I snooped through his phone :(
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Me and my SO just took an amazing vacation which I paid for. It is SDs school break this week and we are getting home today and he will spend the weekend with her. Unfortunately I found texts he sent to BM lamentinf that he couldn’t spend more time with her over this break and telling her don’t worry I took off during her spring break followed by “I didn’t wanna be away this week but the trip was paid for for me” what do I do
Guess you found out where all
Guess you found out where all his money is going.
Wow.
Wow.
Hmm, well, you shouldn't have been snooping, BUT, you found out info you have to address with him, I think.
You do mean that he was lamenting that he couldn't spend time with SD, not with BM, right?
Yes
Yes
Does he have a history of
Does he have a history of feeling "stuck in the middle", ie, trying to please both you and BM? So he really did have a good time, but doesn't want BM riding him about not seeing SD, so he lies?
(Still not acceptable).
He bends over backwards for
He bends over backwards for her (did when they were still married as well) however she is honestly pretty easygoing, doesn’t give us much of a hard time about anything and is very flexible with a schedule as she is self-employed and works from home. She didn’t give him a hard time about the trip at all nor was she during the text exchange. He just offered this, for some reason
I don't want to
I don't want to read something in that is not there since I don't know the people involved but on the surface that does not sound right. What do you think it means that he volunteered that kind of statement?
He offered it because that is
He offered it because that is how he was feeling. It sounds like he would rather spend ALL of his free time with SD. Which, it's his kid, so if that is what he wants, then that should be what he does.
BUT, if that is the case, he shouldn't be in a relationship with someone that is also not willing to spend all of their time with and catering to his kid. Also, I feel like he crossed a line saying that to bm. He basically said he "had to be with you because you paid for the vacation already". Kind of TMI for his ex imho.
If I was in your shoes I would be rethinking the relationship.
Did he even want to go? Or
Did he even want to go? Or you just bought the trip and he kinda didn’t have a say?
Husband messaging saying he didn’t want to be away
confirms that he wasn’t enjoying this trip and didn’t want to be away from her.
if my husband were messaging his exwife like this, i’d be out the door as there are some unresolved feelings here still
Seems as if there is a disconnect of expectations
Your vacation was planned, paid for and taken during one of SO's visitation weeks. Did you two discuss it first? Was it your "treat" --- a fabulous vacation? Is SO typically passive?
To me, it sounds more as if SO is expressing the mild regret of missing time spent with his child. Nothing against you or that he didn't enjoy the experience.
Reading past blogs, I wonder at the seeming disconnect between your experience of the relationship and your SO's experience in the same relationship. Perhaps that is more at the root of your "snooping" and upset. You want ring, wedding, babies, future. You are quite clear in your expectations. SO appears to not be on the same page at this time. He hasn't saved money for a ring and a future even though you have tried hard to create a situation where he could. Seems as if you are more into SO and your fantasized future than he is into you and your current life.
Could be misreading things here, maybe I'm missing it .... imo, the text did not sound horrific. ("Hey, have you seen my undies?" would have been a horrific text.)
I feel the need to say that
I feel the need to say that this is not SO’s visitation week. It is a schoolbreak, which he would get half of (4 days) and he’s getting 2. I’m employed by a school district and so I don’t have any vacation times that aren’t school breaks. So our vacations are always going to be on SDs breaks
Well, SO got 1/2 of a school break and then
he took 1/2 of that .... Parents can be weird. A difference of +/- 2 days can be a big deal to some folk.
I'm sorry that your work vacations coincide with your SO's likely anticipated time with his daughter. Most of us struggle a bit with the mismatch of work shifts, days-off, vacation time with our partner's children and our own children's schedules. Step-parenting is not easy and scheduling calendars can take on rubric cube patterns.
I still wouldn't take what you report as SO's text, too personally.
Just shows that Step parents
Get no real respect. Your DH still have a connection with BM. He has to justify his actions not to hurt BM. As in telling her, he rather be playing with his wife then taking care of his DD. Like BO HU, SM made me go. On vacation, she made me have a fun time.
This will never change with him. He will always be connected to BM.
He strikes me as a
He strikes me as a manipulative person who thinks he can say one thing but do another and no one will notice. I guess you won't ever know for sure what he meant by the text, but it does tell you a few things about him...
Basically, what he really told his ex was: I didn't want to go, but I couldn't turn it down because it was a free trip. What an insult to you AND his kid. And in and of itself, the statement is crap. It says nothing if you think about it:
So...if he had to pay for the trip, he would not have gone. So he took a free trip over time with his kid. That's fine - I would have too. But he wants credit from BM for being the kind of dad who would turn down a free trip for his kid...except he's not -- he took the trip. That makes him exactly the opposite of what he's claiming to be. What a flake.
I think it's kind of sneaky that he's acting as if he had no choice in the matter. If he didn't want to be away, he wouldn't have been away. He wanted to take the trip -- he just doesn't want BM to think he wanted to take the trip. I'm not sure why what BM thinks is so important to him.
I don't know what's worse: thinking he has to justify being away from the kid for one break...or...thinking he can snow everyone into believing what he says rather than what he does.
You can do better.
@marblefawn
You are my hero.
So, you learned that you are
So, you learned that you are his beck&call girl/sugar mama.
is that what you want to be for the rest of your life?
Dump this turd of a non man and put he and his shallow and polluted gene pool in your past for good.
Well here’s a flag for the
Well here’s a flag for the next time you want to give him an all expense paid trip...Actually see if he wants to go. Also passively he is telling BM that while he did go on this trip you, his daughter is his where his allegiance lies. Hopefully there won’t be any her vs me moments but I’m willing to bet they aren’t far off if they haven’t already.
Just an update
I packed my things and left our apartment. When I spoke to him he called me crazy and said I am attaching meaning where there is none. For once I stood my ground and told him he was gaslighting me because he got caught.
You go sister! Good for you
You go sister! Good for you for not putting up with crap.
There are conquests for getting divorce
One of them is you don’t see your kid all the time. When you go into a new relationship, you have to spend time working on that relationship. What is going away with out your kid or kids. Other thing is to cut all ties with the EX.
He is not ready for a relationship. He still has to talk to his EX. He’s upset that he went away without DD, But He pick To be in relationship with a woman who gets off the same time as his DD. So only time she can get away is when DD is off also. He kinder made his own problems.