Advice Please.....
My DH and I are going through a very difficult time. My 2 year old SS came home from BM's house and he had been beaten.... we took him to the doctor and had everything documented and the doctor took pics and filed a CPS report.... we got a Temporary Order for Protection against her and everything.
Within the 2 week timeframe before the hearing on the Order for Protection BM has been vehemently denying that this happened at her house and accusing me of beating my SS. The police and CPS cannot seem to determine where he was hurt and so now the State has taken the kids into protective custody in which myself, DH, and BM are not allowed any contact with the kids until an investigation is completed. It looks like they are not going to be able to figure out where my SS was hurt... it looks like SS could have been hurt in either home because if the marks he came home with happened in a 24 hour time frame then he was in both homes....
Here is the advice part... with all of this going on my DH is shutting me out.... he spends more time on the phone talking to everyone else about what is going on instead of me. I feel totally alone. I would think that because we are both going through this together then we would lean on each other and figure things out together.... Instead he is shutting me out.... why? what do I do? I want to be there for him but this is happening to me too. I am very vocal... I will tell you what I need and want and I lay it all out there.... but my DH seems to pull away and even when I ask him how I can be there for him he just says he needs space.... why does he need space from me? I don't get it.
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Men are different from us
Men are different from us and therefore they handle situations differently. He may need you to be an outlet that he can spend some time with to shut off everything that is going on with the kids. Just let him know you are there for him in whatever way he needs and give him the space he is asking for. You may find that he will in turn open up to you more. It's hard but hang in there and good luck.
ungrateful
I may be off here, but the exact same thing has happened to me (see blog) and I think the extra care we've given these girls has somehow made them feel entitled. I know mine does. I've tried the ignoring, tonight when she comes to dinner (i haven't cooked for her since her stunt) I'm going to try Sweetness's way and see what comes of it...I'll let you know.
Sometimes Guys just need to detach from Our SO,
to deal with things. He may just not want to show Weakness to You. Another factor that You didn't mention, Who made the decision to take the kid to the Doctor, etc. and Who was the First to Bring It Up?
Steve
First
I am very sorry your ss is being abused. That is just horrific! And for a child to be intentionally hurt by his own mother will leave scars that are just unimagineable. My heart is hurting for this little boy.
For the advice part, you are in a terrible position. CPS workers are usually going to look down on step-parents, so I have been told by my own therapist. We step-parents are carrying a stereotype of being evil, and unloving therefore we are the candidates first looked at.
If I were in your situation, I would go see a therapist immediately to get not only advice from that person on how to handle this situation, but also to vent your feelings of rejection from your dh. When I read your blog, my first reaction to your post is that your dh may have some doubt or may question whether or not you could be capable of doing this type of harm to his child. He isn't shutting out other people, so that leaves me to feel that he isn't really sure who did this.
If you go see a therapist, that person can really help guide you through your feelings of rejection, and also if your dh goes, that therapist can help confirm to your dh that you are incapable of doing such harm to a child.
I think that when we are faced with really bad situations, especially when our children are invovled, we get scared, and we don't know what to think, or who to trust. I personally can't imagine how you both are feeling, and my heart goes out to you and your family.
I hope that I helped.
Candice
i don't think he is angry at
i don't think he is angry at you. he is just upset that this child is in protective custody and worried that he might lose his son. give him space and time to adjust. just let him know that you are there if he needs you.
-happy mom
Speaking from experience on
Speaking from experience on this one.....I have been investigated..although my kids were never taken(Thank God), and I am so sorry yours were. My oldest volunteerily lived with her dad and it killed me to give her up.
Any way back to the subject, My ex-husband was accused of abusing my daughter and I know that he and I had already had many differences and disagreements regarding boundaries and discipline with the kids.....Sooooo.... I was confused and hurt and scared for my child. I wanted so badly to believe that the man I loved could never hurt my child and I also wanted to believe that my daughter would never make such horrible accusations if they were false.
My trust and faith in him/us/me/my judgement of everything and my parenting skils was badly shaken.
In all of the confusion I had to try to make sense of it all and clear my head and do what was best for my child/children while trying to maintain what was left of my marriage, and for that matter try to decide if I should even try to save a marriage with a man who could be so cruel according to my child.
It is such a hard place to be, especially if the child can't talk yet...like your 2yr old.
Your husband may or may not be questioning your guilt but I can guarentee he is beating himself up emotionally for allowing this to happen, whether he did it or not, He still feels guilt.He is probably questioning his self worth as a parent/husband/and father.
He is stating that he needs the time to think and be alone.
Give it to him.
That is the only way he will be able to process it and hopefully get through it WITH you.
Turn to a counselor, pastor, trusted friend, this site, whatever you have to so you can vent and be supported.Be careful who you turn to though...families and close friends tend to hold grudges for you long after you let go of them.
Tell him that you believe that the truth will be found and the two of will regain custody.
Let him know that you understand how confused and hurt he is and that while this is happening and when it is all over you still love him and think that this is just one of those many difficult times that the two of you will weather together and be stronger for.
Hopefully you have some kind of spiritual faith, it helps more than anyone can know in times like this.
One thing you do have going for you is the fact that you are the one who reported it. It doesn't make any sense to report something if you could be blamed for it. Cps is usually pretty good about figuring these things out, but it's hard and takes time and a lot of legal B.S.
If you have any questions about what he is feeling as the bio parent under investigation feel free to send me a personal note. I am not shy about sharing experiences since I know my trials and tribulations have helped others when they have faced something similar.
Good luck and God Bless.
Stay Strong there is light at the end and everything really does happen for a reason.
Lisa Dawn
My thoughts and prayers are with you..
I am currently being investiagated by CPS also, So I feel your pain and fear although my children are still in the home. but I understand it is scarey. (Details are in my other blog but the short of it h2b smacked youngest in the mouth for spittting in his face, my ex filed a police report and now of course CPS is not checking us out)
I know ours is not as bad (but could be it isn't over yet)but h2b has had some issues dealing with the whole thing and won't really talk about it to me I think it is a man thing
Hang in there my thoughts and prayers are with you!
UPDATE
We just found out the BM is with the kids! We are frantically trying to figure out what is going on.... I am on hold with CPS and a police officer is on the way over.... Is she violating the order? Did she get the kids back? Was everyone cleared? What is going on!! We have no idea what is going on.... but we are both very scared and no one has called to update us about anything.... I will update as soon as I can.
(I forgot to sign in... Chocoholic....)
How are things going
Do you have an update? Hang in there - it will all work out.
Choco
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'll be thinking of you.
I agree with Steve. It could be guilt or blame because of the consequence of bringing it to the authorities. He doesn't have his son, and must be hurting over it.
My SS hurt my son (won't go into details). I called the police. It was in SS's and my son's best interest to do so and I told dh I was going to call before I did it AND he agreed with me. Although I was right in calling and it was best for everyone involved, it did cause a lot of problems - mostly for SS. DH blamed me and didn't talk to me/gave me the cold shoulder for quite some time. That hurt me.
He now tells me that it was his way of dealing with it. He knows I did the right thing, and says if I hadn't done it, he would have. But he still blamed me for all the trouble it caused. He was hurting too.
I bet your dh is hurting too. Give him a hug. Tell him you love him. Be patient and ready when he's ready to talk about it. It may be awhile.
Btw, you did the RIGHT thing by bringing him to the dr. I pray that everything turns out right and in your SS's best interest.
Not much of an update
Well, we found out that she is back with the kids. My husband has been calling around to find out when we get the kids back too. BUT we did find out that they think it was me.... They think it was me because I won't take a polygraph test.... sorry but I've studied up on them and consulted an attorney and no one in their right mind voluntarily takes a polygraph test (even the innocent).... They are not even admissible in court for God's sake..... My only sense of security is that you can't prove that I did something when I didn't.... We are still trying to get some answers and I promise that I'll let you all know as soon as I learn anything new. Thank you so much for all of your support.
I took a polygraph once
and it cleared me in a case where I was falsely accused of breaking into a car and stealing cash. At first, I was reluctant to take it b/c I was told they aren't admissible, and I was worried that taking it would somehow make me "guilty". I was told by an attorney to not take the test.
Well, I spoke with the investigator, and my command, and I decided to go against the attorney I spoke with, I took the polygraph, and that test totally cleared me of all charges. Had I not taken the test, the situation would have been drawn out for months, rather than weeks.
The test is long, but you only answer yes or no questions. When they are first setting up the baseline of your reactions, they ask you simple questions like your name, the city you were born in, and then they have you intentionally lie on one question so that the polygraph will record your body's reaction when you do lie.
If a polygraph is the only was you can clear your name in an abuse case, then I would consult an attorney and upon what they say, give it some consideration to taking one.
Just know that at least one innocent person took one and was cleared.
Candice
I understand....
and I thank you for your experience..... I am happy to hear that you were cleared, unfortunately that is not always the case.... The "Lie Detector Test" does not 'detect' lies at all... they want you to think that... the "Lie Detector" is a tool used in interrogation and that is all it is. The "Lie Detector" is based on trickery rather than science.
There is so much behind it... for me, it is just not an option.
In other news... My DH called around all day Friday, to the CPS invesgigator, to the CPS investigator's boss, to the Detective... and he was given the run around.... they are stonewalling us in every direction. We are meeting with an attorney on Sunday, the attorney says that CPS is incompetent (I even tried to defend them pointing out that they are bogged down with cases... overworked and under paid... but he said, on they are incompetent). CPS and the Police have NO EVIDENCE (which is why they want the polygraph test).... they cannot keep the kids from us without evidence, and they cannot avoid us all the while keeping the kids from us. The Police say they cannot charge anyone because there is no evidence.... Nonetheless this is likely to get worse before it gets better, but I am confident that we will be cleared in the end.... its hard enough to PROVE when someone really is guilty (OJ Simpson).... and I didn't do anything wrong and therefore am not all that concerned with being conviced or even charged at this point.... this whole thing has just gotten way out of control and a great injustice is taking place against a little boy who was beaten by someone.... they spent so much time looking at me that they failed to look elsewhere and whoever hurt my stepson will get away with it.... and my do it again.... that notion makes my stomach turn.
I will continue to update as soon as I hear anything.
anything?
Haven't seen any personal posts from you lately (just responses), just wondering how you are doing?!
tragic
what a tragic situation! How long have you been married? I know this sounds totally selfish, but since he seems to be shutting you out, maybe you should use this time that you do not have his kids to work on your relationship with him, do you plan on having any kids of your own?
also if cps thinks you are an abuser, why didn't they stop your visitation with your own kids?