Need advice for my DD11 Please.....
My DD11 has been my more "troublesome" child. Lately she has been more frequently lying about the most mundane things even. And even if you have her red handed she will continue to insist she is not lying and start crying and become hysterical. Everything with her is an argument....and I mean everything!! If i ask her to do the dishes immediate "But I did them" etc. I have noticed over the last couple of weeks she becomes so angry with her sister and my SS. She has always fought with her sister, and with my SS he has lived with us for 2 months now so I could see where she may be more comfortable with him to express anger, but last night when she was yelling at ss and my DD14 it was like nashing of teeth vehment anger. And was chasing SS and DD14 aroung with a small wooden stick. I am just at a complete loss at what to do. I usually put her in timeout and ask her to explain to me why she was in timeout but I was so angry with her last night.....I asked her to stop and told her to go to her room for the way she was acting to calm down and she immediately started arguing so I gave her a small pop across her face. I am just at a loss of what to do! I have told my exh in the past I think she needs counseling and he just brushes it off and says "let me talk to her"
And my exh is not much help. I asked him about a schedule change we previously agreed to and his text back to me was:
"DD14 needs to get her chores done at my house first. i'm sick of not having laundry. Both girls are having rouble keeping up with their rooms, too. Unfortunately, I just dont have the time or energy right now to keep on them."
Backstory there is he has a full time job, co-owns a bar with my sister and just bought quite a big electrical service company recently, so essentially 3 jobs. And we share custody week on week off.
I replied to him that i was concerned that his buisness ventures are interferring with his ability to parent effectively. I also pointed out that I am still having issues with DD11 to the point of her getting violent and have told him that i believe we need to get her counselng and he continues to brush it off. I asked if perhaps we need to adjust the parenting plan where they are with me the majority of the time for consistency and to take some pressure off of him....i have recieved no response.
I am so concerned, I am not sure what to do about the situation! Some one please give me your thoughts and advice.
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I think people are quick to
I think people are quick to jump to counseling. While I don't think there is anything wrong with counseling for a child that needs it, personally I wouldn't do it until I had exhausted all other options.
I would first try to understand why your DD is lashing out. When did the behavior start? What are her triggers? What calms her down and is it a healthy solution? (so, if she were throwing a tantrum because she didn't want to take a shower and what calmed her down was you saying she didn't have to, that is not the right solution)
I would try to figure out ways to help her as far as coping mechanisms- breathing, stepping away from the situation, exercise, sports/dance/music/art. Along with this goes proper sleep and diet, even thought it's more noticeable when a 2 year old didn't nap, an 11 year old could still be irritable due to being overtired (even I get irritable when I'm tired/low or high blood sugar)
When those were determined I would get down to business with the discipline. The popular belief is not physical punishments but everyone parents in their own way, the most important part is to be consistent. It's classic conditioning, she gets a punishment EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. if the punishment is sitting on the stairs, going to her room, immediately doing an extra chore or a slap across the face, be consistent. If she gets a punishment every single time she will be more mindful of her actions before she does them. You also need to make sure your other kids/skids are receiving a punishment when they display the same behavior, even if it is a rare occurrence that would normal get a warning.
Some may think 11 is too old for this, but I find that reward systems work well. Every time she has a "good day" give her a sticker. When she gets however many, take her to get ice cream, to the movies, to target whatever. Let her know she is doing well and reward her somehow.
As far as the schedule, I would try to get that changed but it sounds like you are doing everything you can in that regard, just keep on top of it.
I had this happen with my DS.
I had this happen with my DS. He was misdirecting the anger he felt as his dad for not having enough time for him. He took it all out on us, because we allowed it. WHen I finally figured out what was going on, I told him he's allowed to be angry and upset at his dad for ignoring him. He's not allowed to take it out on us, though. WHen he did there woould be consequences. TOTALLY diffused the situation. COuld be a similar thing with you and your DD. Good luck!
Honestly? Some kids need that
Honestly?
Some kids need that pop across the face to realize their parent is DONE.
Talking, grounding, timeouts dont work for some kids.
And some kids it takes one pop from a parent, a single time, for them to realize "oh crap mom means business I am NOT doing that again!"
No we have joint legal and
No we have joint legal and physical custody any major healthcare decisions must be made jointly.
However he has called me and we have discussed this. We have a new game plan in place that we are going to try and if we do not see consistent changes in her behavior in a month we are going to seek family counseling to help us with disciplining appropriatley and to get to the bottom of what may be bothering her.
Research i have done today has shown me that lying in children usually is a poor problem solving technique that needs to be addressed. So we are going to come up with appropriate consequences for the lies depending on the severity and keep the emotion out of it....hopefully.
IMO it is important to
IMO it is important to address it head on but to have more carrot than stick. So give her extra GOOD attention while also making sure you don't let her get by with shit. Call her out directly on lies. Not in a mean way just factual "you said A and did B. Why?"
And counseling doesn't have to be high stress. AND it isn't a bad thing if a parent doesn't have all the tools they need and need the input if a child psych. IMHO, of course.