Need advice please..... don't know how to deal with this
I'm new to this site..... I had to have someplace to turn before I ruin my marriage. My DH has two daughters, the oldest of which did not "approve" of our marriage. This child is a saint in everyone's eyes. Don't get me wrong, she's a great child, but she's not completely incapable of being manipulative and selfish (just as any child can be.) NO ONE sees this though and, from the moment I entered the picture, my DH and I can do nothing right and the ex and SD1 have whined and cried so much that even DH's family has turned against us. We are expected to do anything the BM asks of us, or give any amount of money without question....... and if it is something we don't agree with or we simply don't HAVE the money, world war 3 commences. Child support is always given on time, we pay for most of the medical expenses and give extra for anything else that we can. We just can't do it all. My children get told "no, we don't have the money for that" frequently and accept that. His daughters, and ex, and family, can't accept that answer at all.
The ex is completely nasty to us by text and phone, but we have chosen not to stoop to her level and broadcast the family business to everyone. We did not want to put anyone in the middle. Apparently that backfired because now DH's family has sided with the ex....... or rather SD1. Funny, they often forget they have other grandchildren. We are no longer on speaking terms with these family members and yet we get to watch them sit with the ex at dance recitals, etc. How do I handle this? I try so hard not to care what they think, but I can't seem to get past it. It is just so unfair to my children and my DH and I cannot understand how anyone in this world can be so mean-spirited! Does anyone have advice on how I can cope?I've truly just been hurt by the situation one too many times and I'm at the end of my rope. Thanks!
LOL at Foxie! My kids are
LOL at Foxie! My kids are the ones being shorted, though I have to say that his younger daughter is as well. My husband has tried to say "hey this should come out of the child support" or teach SD1 that she has to have some responsibility of her own but then the ex and grandparents bad mouth him and turn the kids against him. How awful we are for not being rich! How dare we! lol It hurts so much because of how it has affected his relationship with his girls. It is awful. I know I am overly sensitive to it but the whole situation just has me crying and depressed all of the time. Never has anyone made me feel like such an awful piece of crap. And yes, I know they can't make me feel that way if I don't let them, but it HURTS! Anyhow, yeah, if we refuse money, the BM will get the girls riled up and then they refuse to come stay with us. My DH gets hurt because he wants to see his kids and he gives in.
Tough situations like that
Tough situations like that require tough love - not more money. :jawdrop:
I agree with that
I agree with that completely...as does my husband. But he feels he has no control over the situation, that the ex just manipulates everything to be her way and if she doesn't get things the way she wants them, she sets about trash talking us to anyone who will listen, especially the kids. They are kids. Of course if they hear other adults saying that we don't care about them because we aren't spending more money on them..... of course they will believe that. It's not about not wanting them to have things....but it's about learning that you don't get everything in life you want, you have to work hard to earn what you do get and money does not grow on trees! Sometimes we JUST DON'T have the money! I think the hardest thing is the grandparents........ they don't even know the full story and automatically side with the ex instead of their own child. He was told "poor girl didn't even get _______. How could you have let that happen".. Come to find out it was something we had offered to pay for and the BM told us to stay out of it. But the grandparents don't HEAR that when they are told....... they just move on to the next thing we "didn't do"
The girls are both teenagers,
The girls are both teenagers, as are my children. I do make sure my kids know they are loved..... just pisses me off because my youngest is so trusting and was so excited to have more family to love..... and it just isn't turning out that way. I'm with you...... I can't imagine not having any family loyalty, but the only thing I can think is that they are afraid that the ex will keep the girls away from them if they don't side with her. Considering she has way more time with the kids than we do, of course the grandparents can see them more when they are with her. I just don't know. I can't imagine anything like this happening in my family. I think the shock of it all is what keeps hurting me. I just keep getting caught off guard by the craziness of it all. Trust me, I could tell stories for days of the mean and vindictive things the ex has done, yet no one seems to see it........ how is that?
Thanks to
Thanks to all.....
Beaccountable, he did call a meeting with his parents, only I wasn't invited. I think he didn't want to subject me to more hurt, but I thought I should have been there. That is the official point when they stopped talking to us. Apparently it got very nasty. Again, I wish I had been there because there were so many answers that he didn't think of to things they accused us of....but oh well.
I just never in my life thought I could feel this much hurt, rejection, hate... I've always been such a happy person.
I guess on a bright note.... loving the fact that BM stands for Biological Mother and also Bowel Movement. It's the small things, ya know?
Not wanting to play devils
Not wanting to play devils advocate BUT.....
Is it remotely possible that the family is seeing you and DH "As a couple" having more money because of your income, therefore they feel it should be easy for the two of you to fund these extra goods?
Something just isn't adding up, and I hate to say it, but I bet to an outsider there is something that appears amiss. Family doesn't walk around and call a CS paying Dad a cheapskate or a deadbeat if he actually is paying what he can.
Are you sitting in a big house, driving a fancy car, yet crying poor?
I agree with every comment.
I agree with every comment. If my soon to be in laws sided with BM FDH would cut his ties with them. He has shunned them for smaller things. If he's paying CS then there is no reason for him to be shoveling out more $ for SD. FDH doesn't pay CS (we have SD a majority of the time, and BM signed a letter saying she can't ask for CS for 8yrs) we buy what SD needs when she is home and BM gets her what she needs when she is with her. CS should cover everything your SD1 needs.
You don't need people in your life dragging you down. There is enough put down just being a SM. Cut your ties, and enjoy the drama free time with your kids. When SD1 asks for some money, or something she wants, it's not in the budget, or just a simple NO should suffice. Who cares what BM says, chances are she'll never get the sick out of her ass!