Fights for rights with SD?
I am having an issue with my SD's bm. Every year my SD (11) is involved in a dance class after school. SD lives about an hour away from us, so bm is the one who enrolls her in it. Every year at the end of the school year the studio puts on a big dance production for all of the friends and family. It is a pretty big deal. Her Dad and I usually just end up going to the show and give her a hug and kiss at the end and leave. This year, however, the recital falls on her weekend with us. BM called and asked if we wanted to switch her weekends or if we could commit to having her there that weekend. (out of town). We told her that we were going to take care of her. My husband told her to make sure that she had her costume when she dropped her off and we would make sure that she got to her show on time and get her ready, etc. At that point bm threw a fit and said that we should drop sd off at her house so that she could get her ready and that we could just see her after the show. My husband told her that it was our weekend with sd and that we wanted the resposibility. I was thrilled to help her get dressed up and do her "show" makeup. We are torn right now because we never get to be apart of things like this for her and we were so excited. Her bm made the comment that we should enroll her in something, and then we could take her. My husband about lost it because we only get her every other weekend and four weeks in the summer (split up, not at once) so we don't get the opportunity to do stuff like this with her. Part of me wants to tell her too bad, but I also understand that she probably wants her bm there too. Any advise? Are we being selfish to tell her bm "no, its our weekend, therefore our responsibility"?
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I think..
I think if you had 50/50 custody, it might be a different scenario.. but as you see her so rarely, I think that BM will just have to get over "sharing" her. You get so few of these opprotunities, and she's had several over the years.. so why not allow you to do this. I'm not sure if this is the "hill you want to die on" and as we all know, the step world is all about picking your battles. But it might be worth explaining it to her just like you did us.. "we don't get to do these things with her because we don't have a lot of time.. you've done this with her before and we'd like the same opprotunities.. and since it's our weekend, we'd really like to share this time with her.." see where it gets you. You aren't trying to take anything from her, but you are trying to share something with SD.. and that's important too.
If she won't budge, then you have to decide if this is a battle you want to fight. Only you and DH will know that.
Stepup
Your weekend is your weekend
Mic and I just had a lesson in this last week. Switch weekends? You'd better get it in writing, if that's what you decide to do. I wouldn't though. Just something to think about: Mic and I were supposed to have ss for Christmas Eve/ morning. First we get a call about is he/ isn't he going to be with us for Christmas Eve. Mic said, yes, we would have him (they switch holidays every year-it's his year). Then an 7-yr old busts out with "Oh, I won't get to see my little brother open his Christmas presents". 1. This kid can't think about consequences five minutes into the future, let alone 2 weeks. This was something his mother told him. 2. Little brother was about 9 months old at the time. So I guess he meant that he couldn't watch his mom open his little brother's presents. He came with us, had a great time, and couldn't have cared less about all the bs his mom tried to put into his head.
The point of the story is that moms want to be part of their children's milestones, and understandably so. But when you share custody, you have to accept that 1 parent will miss out on one thing or the other. Did your sk's bm care about all the milestones your significant other missed? Of course not.
Personally, I would return the favor. I'm sure your stepkid would appreciate having dad be a part of things for a change.
Okay..here goes..
Hi Steph,
Please don't take this wrong and understand that I am not trying to offend you or be disagreeable. It sounds like your a great SM and your SD is luckey to have you!
But what does SD want? How does she feel about it?? Is it a big deal to SD who helps her get ready for the performance??? Does SD want to come to your house that weekend and have you help her get ready? Is it no big deal to her who helps her get ready? Or would she rather that her mom help her get ready??
As Step Mom's we have to pick our battles wisely..Meaning that if SD would rather that her mom help her get ready and you force the issue of her being there on DH's weekend and YOU helping her get ready. You very well could be setting yourself up for resentment from your SD and further hard feelings between DH and BM and you and BM...
While I understand and totally agree that it's important for DH to share in his daughters milestones. Who would be helping SD get ready for the performance, hair, make up ect at your house? DH or YOU? Is DH the one that wants her at your house so he can help her get ready for the dance performance and so DH can help her do her hair and her make up..ect..Or is it you?
Because if it's you and not DH that would be helping her get ready..Then one SM to another, If I was in your position, I would bow out gracefully and let my SD and her BM have that time together. Especially if it was important to SD that her BM be the one to help her get ready.
Just my take anyway..
What if it were YOU?
Okay, I've thought about this both ways... what would I want for my BD, if I were the BM, and also what would I want for my SD and DH, if I were the SM. I think you have to ask yourself what if this were YOU and YOUR BD?
Well, obviously, I wouldn't want SD or DH (or me and the rest of the family) to miss out on visitation. We don't see the kids enough, as it is. So I would want her to come, as usual, no trading weekends. I would love to share in that experience with my step-daughters, I would really treasure every moment. But they are not MY daughters, much as I would like them to be, and this is kind of a "mom" thing.
I have a biological daughter and as her mama, I would sooooo want to be the one getting her all dolled up for her big event. That's prime mother/daughter time and I'd not want to give it up, even if it fell on dad's weekend. I was the one who signed her up for it and yes, it is his weekend, but I think this is one of those mother/daughter things that shouldn't be infringed upon by an SM.
I really think that in a perfect world, you guys would find a way to compromise and share this little girl on her big day. Would you be comfortable inviting her mom to come to your house to help her get ready beforehand? Would you be comfortable getting her ready at your house, then dropping her off at her mom's early to put on the final touches? I would try to find a way to compromise so that no one misses out and everyone gets to share in the experience.
I think if it were me, we would find a way to be a part of it without stepping on mom's toes... maybe have a "spa day" or something before you drop her off, complete with beauty treatments, etc. I'm imagining me and my step-daughters in matching white terry cloth robes with mud on our faces, cucumbers on our eyes and our hair wrapped up in towels with a conditioning treatment while hubby paints our toenails. I think that would be so fun! But I'd let mom have the experience of actually getting her ready.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Ann has some great ideas!
I have to say that I agree with Anne and that Anne came up with some great ideas for SM and SD to spend the time before getting ready for the recital. SM and SD could do the pre stuff, day spa or pampering before hand and then BM could do the final getting her ready!
I just wanted to say Great Idea! Anne
Thanks for the insight, Anne
I replied to Steph in another thread on the same subject. I shared how BM freaked out last year over SD's cello recital landing on our weekend and how she steamrolled over us using lies and manipulation so that she would have her to get ready together. Your post helped me gain a little perspective that "this is one of those mother/daughter things that shouldn't be infringed upon by an SM." I really do try to put myself in her shoes as much as I can, but I forgot to do that this time. It's hard when she's just an unreasonable git all the time! Seriously though, thanks for reminding me that sometimes it's a "mom" thing.
It must be frustrating
Caitlin,
I can only imagine how hard that must be. Especially, when the BM is dishonest, lies, and manipulates. It's beyond me why the BM can't just be upfront in a lot of situations and call her XH and say.."Look, this is really important to me and it would mean a lot if we could switch weekends or work something out so that I could get our daughter ready for such and such."
I don't under stand why for some, its so difficult to just be upfront but instead they choose to resort to being manipulative and playing games.
Exactly!
It didn't even OCCUR to me that this might just be one of those things that mother & daughter should share but if she had JUST said that, we would have kindly worked something out with her. We are reasonable people! We just don't like to be trampled on!
Everything has to be such a BATTLE with her. What can I say - she LOVES drama. She's been a manipulative game-player for over half a century, and unfortunately thousands of hours of therapy have been unsuccessful at adjusting her behavior. So what I personally try to do, is translate her out of control behavior into what any reasonable mom might be feeling to try and understand where she is coming from. That's why I so appreciated reading Anne's perspective. A light bulb went off in my head - oh! THAT's why she acted like a lunatic in this case. Next time I'll know and try to be a bit more understanding.
What a shame that this woman is 24 years my senior and I'm the mature one. Just goes to show you that maturity has little to do with age. (I'm 29 and she's 53, if you're wondering. People are always very surprised when I reveal that one!)