OMG, I will not do anything else for SD!
I don't know how many of you remember that I posted about making SD (11) a dress for her end of year dance. Well, it turned out awesome, everyone loved it, SD even thanked me 3 times.
I worked extra hard on it as I knew BM would be inspecting it and I made sure every seam and stich was perfect. I spent twice as long as I did on my own and my daughters dresses.
She did not come this weekend as BM is mad about the whole counselling thing (last blog). DH did call her and ask how the dance was and SD said it was great and everyone loved the dress I made her.
I just looked up BM's facebook to see if there were any pictures and guess what she is wearing a different dress! OMG, I'm mad, if she didn't like it I could have worn it myself, it was an awesome dress.
I think I'll ask her about it whenever she decides to come visit again.
She probably doesn't know that I saw the picture as BM has me blocked but there really is no way to hide on facebook, I just logged in under a different account and looked at it that way.
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That is messed up!!!!!!!!
:jawdrop: That is messed up!!!!!!!! When you see SD you should ask her personally about the dress, and then point out that you learned from "someone" that she was wearing another dress instead. Fer facial expressions will tell you everything you need to know
Even if she lies, and says "it ripped, so I had to change" or (if she had more than one performance) "That was in another performance" or "it was too tight/loose" etc... you get it...
What does your DH have to say about it?
Oh and by the way, I would also suggest you disengage, however, have in mind that it could have been product of her mother's venom, you should express to SD how unfair that was to you, and how you won't be doing much for her.
Oh and by the way, the reason
Oh and by the way, the reason why you should ask her straight up is because in the phone convo SD had with DH seems like she is saying a "half truth". Everybody could have loved the dress ( which is what she said), that doesn't mean she actually WORE the dress. So ask her that specific question in person, "Did you wear the dress I made you, for the dance?" and do it in front of your husband.
Am I trying to prove to DH
Am I trying to prove to DH that SD is a lier by doing this? He already knows that so it wouldn't be a surprise. I think I will ask her though, I'd like to see her explaination it'll be a bit of entertainment for next weekend.
DH does not know yet. I am at
DH does not know yet. I am at work and logged on facebook here to see if there were any pictures yet. I don't want to call and tell him as I will take out my frusterations on him and it's certainly not his fault. I copied the pictures as well as the one I took of her in the dress and sent them to our home computer. I plan to just open the email and tell him to look at it. I'm sure he'll be mad that she lied but now we know not to do it again. I say we as DH is the one that took her to the fabric store and helped her decide which fabric. That is not an easy task with an 11 year old, lol, I didn't want that job.
I've been where you are. I
I've been where you are. I promise this is good advise. Stop checking her facebook. Why put yourself through that? I understand the rationalization of looking out for your stepdaughter or trying to catch BM before she does something. But all you are doing is feeding into the drama by allowing it into your home.
You can't control BM. You can't control what your stepdaughter does when she is with her mother. You can control what you allow into your home.
I know exactly how you feel. But try to look at it from your SD's perspective. If wearing the dress causes huge drama in her life, can you understand why she wouldn't want that? Maybe mom is making her feel guilty. Maybe mom wouldn't allow her to wear the dress. It's an impossible position for an 11 year old to be in. She knows that you took the time to make a beautiful dress for her and in the end, that is all that will matter.
I've said this so many times...focus on the relationship 5 or 10 years down the road. Kids figure this stuff out.
Step back. Don't allow yourself to check her facebook page anymore.
"I know exactly how you feel.
"I know exactly how you feel. But try to look at it from your SD's perspective. If wearing the dress causes huge drama in her life, can you understand why she wouldn't want that? Maybe mom is making her feel guilty. Maybe mom wouldn't allow her to wear the dress. It's an impossible position for an 11 year old to be in. She knows that you took the time to make a beautiful dress for her and in the end, that is all that will matter."
I like this advice the best I think
I do think she should have told DH the truth though.
I don't blame you - I never
I don't blame you - I never would do anything like this for your SD again either.
Save yourself the trauma as it will never be appreciated, by BM or SD.
Sorry but that is the facts as I see it, but to ME you get tremendous credit for trying. HUGS
I have been checking her
I have been checking her facebook because I wanted to see pictures of her at the dance. I usually don't go on it, she's an idiot but she's smart enough not to publicly bash us. I do agree it's not a good thing to be checking up on them though.
Thanks, I would post a
Thanks, I would post a picture if I could figure out how.
I was thinking of saying "I
I was thinking of saying "I know you didn't wear the dress to the dance and if you don't think you'll be wearing it I'd like it back and I'll wear it. I spent alot of time on it."
I would bet that it is already gone though, BM probably threw it out, or worse. I guess I will just add it to my list of lessons learned.
I told DH before I even started this dress that this was the last time I would put forth effort to be nice. I have tried since day 1 and I have gotten nothing but hatred. I'm done now, it's sort of relieving actually.
I tried to send you a link to
I tried to send you a link to my photobuck. It says you're blocked?? I don't want to post the link here as it has my full name.
lol, it's my son's account. I
lol, it's my son's account. I go on there to make sure he's behaving himself. He gave me his password and knows that I go on and check up on him. I don't think I'm the crazy one, just curious to see pictures of her in the dress. I was going to copy them for DH as I've done in the past. BM never sends us pictures, I should have gone to the school myself to get her picture but I guess that wouldn't have turned out very well when she was wearing a different dress anyway.
yes, it's kinda small but ok,
yes, it's kinda small but ok, I'll do it right now.
Making the dress was a
Making the dress was a lovely, gracious, kind gesture. SD knows that--that's why she told you it was beautiful and everyone loved it. You know the old saying, "it's the thought that counts"? Your SD gets that. Your feelings are hurt, which is easy to understand, and as someone else posted, who knows that your 11 year old SD had to go through with the BM regarding what she wore. This is not a child on whom kindness is wasted--she sees and appreciates every gesture. This is stuff she'll remember for a long time. Nothing you did was wasted--it was the essence of what true kindness is about. The world is in desperate need of this kind of thing--please don't stop.
*LIKE* This rings true to
*LIKE* This rings true to me.
I am a COD. This is the stuff I had to do to make sure everyone was happy.
But, being a kid, you don't realize that you can't make everyone happy.
Your intentions were good, you did a bang-up job, your SD complimented your work, showed appreciation and thanked you. She sounds like a well-mannered, sweet girl.
Don't stop doing nice things for her. You will confuse and alienate her. She will not understand why you have backed away from her. She's only doing what she has to do to maintain her family relationships and make sure that everyone else is happy with her. I imagine she is the type of child who does not want to disappoint anyone. I completely relate to that - I was that girl, too.
There was no need to go looking on Facebook. One can make a lot of assumptions based on things posted on FB... were the pics taken at the dance? Were they taken at home? Is it possible that her Mom bought her another dress and made her feel guilty for not wearing it? Is it possible that her Mom asked her to put it on so she could take some pictures of her in it, then Mom posted those pictures while the child wore the dress you made to the dance? We don't know and shouldn't make judgements about a child's intentions based on assumptions.
And even if we knew all the details, there's no way one can know the dynamics of that child's life at her mother's home. Sometimes kids just do what they have to do to deal. Not with any intention of hurting anyone, just picking the lesser of two evils. I'd rather have my SM mad at me than my Mom. Understand?
Think about what you might do if you were in her shoes...
this is my SD to a T. she
this is my SD to a T. she won't even bring things from out house to her moms, she is so afraid of moms reaction. in the beginning i was upset, but once you realize this is a survival mechanism for the kid and they have no clue how to be assertive against their mom when they are 10ish...they just know "mom will be mad." it is this type of thing that lead my sd to tell her moms he got a pedicure done with her dad. really? i cannot even be angry anymore, it is just so sad.