Awhile back there was a post about a DH paying for BM's meal and I can't find it again, but that and other posts have me thinking about the following: we all have different boundaries and what is "minor" to some may be "major" to others depending on a whole host of other circumstances. But whether an incident or issue is major or minor, for my part the single biggest factor in whether the thing continues to bug me is my DH's reaction.

If I raise a so-called "minor" issue and express hurt or frustration--let's use the meal-paying example--what I would really want him to do is say something like "you know, I felt like it was my only choice at the time, it was really more about me being a good person than me trying to make some overture toward her, personally. But, I understand how complicated this is for you and how it might make you feel, and I'm sorry that the circumstances resulted in any bad feeling on your part. Thank you for being at the meal with me, I recognize that's hard in and of itself. I appreciate that you stand by me, and I'm on your side". SOMETHING like that. When I hear that from my DH, the issue is pretty much over. But when he reacts defensively and says "stop being so petty, you nutcase", well, the issue is NOT over. At least for me. Do people agree and, more importantly, are any DH's out there paying attention? Is mine?