The psychiatrist really wants to prepare SD for life outside the clinic because she's being discharged on Friday. She'll be going back to school on Monday the 29th and keep in mind she's been out since December 22nd, so she's understandably nervous about the stress of returning. The psychiatrist asked "do you know who you can call if you're in a crisis with your parents?" (Knowing that by "parents", she means "mother" because she's never had a crisis with anyone other than BM, but in the interest of remaining objective... you get the idea!) SD said she could call her grandfather or me, which I thought was really sweet. The psychiatrist then gave her a card with their 24-hour hotline, her office line for 9-5, her social worker's number, her regular therapist's number, etc for any emergencies. I hope hope hope that SD will use this card the next time she wants to throw herself out a window because things are so out of control at BM's.

We are all immensely relieved that Family Based Therapy will be in their home 2-3 times per week and the psychiatrist was very clear to say that this was therapy for the WHOLE FAMILY, not just for SD. She said that BM needs a support system so she can stop relying on SD, and FBT can provide that support. When asked earlier in the session what adults BM had in her life for support, SD thought about it for a long time and said "no one." The social worker asked about her grandfather (BM's father, who lives nextdoor) and SD said that he's 80 years old and it's a lot to ask of him and it hurts him. (What about she's 11 years old and it's too much to ask of her and it hurts HER?!?) So at this point in the conversation, the psychiatrist said that FBT could be that support and it won't hurt them.

This woman is all about solutions! I love her!

As for getting back into the swing of things at school, SD did speak with one of her teachers who told her she had nothing to worry about, that she didn't miss much. Phew! I'm so glad he was able to make her feel a little better about it. The psychiatrist just reminded her to take one thing at a time and to know that she has support. Hell, I used to teach and tutor - if BM would allow it, I'd be there every day to help her with her makeup work! Instead, BM wants to hire a $50/session tutor twice a week and tells us we need to pay for it. Guess what - we can't afford a $400/month bill! We need to find another solution. But this is what she does, she racks up horrendous bills and then presents them to us months later. She did that with the therapy bill - 7 months into it, she gave us a $3500 bill and told us to take care of it. She never takes responsibility for anything. She chose an expensive therapist who doesn't accept insurance and expects us to take care of it. But I digress.

Any suggestions from you fine people on what to do about getting SD back up to speed with her schoolwork after being out for over a month? I'm thinking there must be a program at the school that's free.

How could I forget?

During the session, SD shared that BM told her not to hurt herself because the courts would take her away from her. (GASP!) WTF? You tell your daughter to stop attempting suicide so you won't lose custody?! Not because life is precious and when you have problems you should seek support instead of inflicting injury upon yourself? Not because your health and wellbeing are very serious matters and we would all be devastated if something happened to you? This kind of tells you where BM's head is. I was really appalled to hear this.

Speaking of custody, when the social worker met with the grandfather, he stated that we were going to pursue custody, trying to bait the social worker to say, "yes I'm aware of that" or something. Well, she went to bat for us and said "oh no, not that I know of," to which he replied, "yes, they are!"

She asked us if we had made any mention of this, and we of course have not. We haven't let on to anyone except for SD's mental health team that this is what we plan to do. I guess it's just that obvious even to BM and BM's own father that she's unfit. I know they're scared. And they should be! It's only a matter of time.

Well, my fiance and I were pleased to hear from BM last night. She just called to keep him up to speed on SD's return to school. No fights, no accusations, just an update. If only it could always be like this!

It turns out that BM spoke with the teachers and they decided together that SD should meet with them after school Monday (last night) and discuss the "game plan", rather than sitting through all her classes on Monday, panicking about the missed work. So she did not attend school yesterday, but as far as I know right now, she is back today.

A new marking period starts today, so she can start fresh with the other students. Things like math, which build on the prior material, will be tough, but overall she'll just pick up right from the start today with everyone else. They decided to give her zeroes for her missed work because doing all the makeup work from the past month will never allow her to get the current work done. Her report card won't be the usual A's and B's, but her teachers assured her that her college career will not be jeopardized. (She's only in the 6th grade.) Everyone was happy with this decision.

I think BM was so agreeable last night because my fiance agreed to go to the parent/teacher conference with her next week. Since she banned me from the school, the teachers have no choice but to exclude me from the meeting and he really doesn't have another way to get there and he really wants to (must!!) be involved, so he just didn't feel like rocking the boat to make a separate appointment. I don't either. I have my pregnancy to worry about, we don't need the added stress. Do you think this was the right decision? We don't like her controlling everything, but we're just picking our battles.

One thing we really need to stick to our guns on is this tutoring idea she's insisting upon. The school offers tremendous amounts of help for SD to get back on track. For FREE. But no, BM wants to hire the best tutors to help SD, knowing that a)she can't afford it, and b)we can't afford it. She found a program that costs $50/hour and she wants to use them twice a week. We don't have $400-500/month to cover this. Her reply? "Well, you need to get a better-paying job." If she wants a damn tutor, then maybe she could get a job! She hides behind her mental illness, saying she can't handle the stress of a job. She obviously can't handle the stress of raising a child either, so let SD live with us and we'll help her with her homework every night.

BM made an appointment with the tutoring company for tomorrow at 4:00 and asked my fiance to attend. It's hard for him to leave work 2 hours early for this and he's afraid she'll somehow force him to take financial responsibility, so we're thinking maybe he shouldn't go. Does this make him look like a deadbeat dad who doesn't care about his child's education? He does care! He just knows that free help is abundantly available. If we had the money, it may be a different story. But we don't, so we need to look for another solution and BM refuses. We're not legally required to pay, so it's her problem -- right?

So BM emailed my fiance this morning and very clearly stated in bold and underlined text that she still expected him to pay for the tutoring. (At least this time, she's implying that they'd share the expense. Up until now, she's been insisting that he pay for it entirely.) She even CC'd SD's therapist, as though she's going to get her support on this.

Dear M,

I am canceling today's (Wednesday, January 31, 2007) interview with the tutor due to SD's science project. I hope to reschedule for next week and will try to time it so you can come after work. I will let you know. I still maintain that financially supporting SD's tutoring is our responsibility.

Cordially,
L

The fact remains that the money isn't there. After paying out child support, alimony, health insurance for himself and SD, plus all the medical bills coming in for SD's treatment, my fiance is so far in the hole it isn't even funny. His take home pay is below the federal poverty level. The only reason he has a roof over his head is because I pay for everything in our household. Yes, everything.

His response was simply:

Neither you nor I can afford $400.00 per month. The school has many resources for helping students with schoolwork. If we had the money I would be happy to help pay for this. But we don’t have the money.

I think he needs to be clearer and say that he will not be held financially responsible for her poor decision making, spending money that they don't have. That expensive tutoring is not the answer when there are plentiful resources to help SD get caught up that don't cost a dime. I just don't want it to appear that he's refusing to pay for something that is necessary. This is an unnecessary expense. I wish she would stop being unreasonable. (That'll be the day!)