Attempt at coparenting or...?
Ok, here's a first. Tonight, BF went to see SD for their weekly Daddy/Daughter dinner and BM made what we suspect to be an attempt at coparenting. We think. She's never done anything like this before so we're suspicious. I guess it's a step in the right direction anyway - maybe family based therapy is working? I have found that every step forward like this is followed very quickly by several steps back, though. We'll see!
Apparently, SD's psychiatrist prescribed an antidepressant for SD. She has been taking an anti-anxiety medication since February 2006 and now her psychiatrist thinks it wise to switch her to an antidepressant. BM has never, ever, ever consulted BF on anything regarding SD's health - mental or physical - education or welfare, and now suddenly she's telling him "well, I didn't want to give Dr. M the go ahead to put SD on this medication without consulting you first." Huh? We're just flabbergasted. I'm glad that she brought it up with him though. He just said that if the doctor prescribed it, then he will trust that it is in SD's best interest to take it because he's not one to interfere with medical advice. (Unlike BM, who has gone against this psychiatrist in the past, if you'll remember when she refused to take SD to the mental hospital that the psychiatrist wanted to admit SD to.)
BM, BF and SD discussed all this openly at the pick-up and there was no drama so it's a good day here. BM may have some strange ulterior motive in this, but we're hoping for the best. She may just be trying to make up for her insane and horrible display of manic nonsense at pick-up two weeks ago.
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Wow.
Cross your fingers! I hope the best for the situation. I'm so sorry she's having to go to the shrink in the first place, but sounds like its helping.
I might suggest - I dont know how well he or you get along with her, but to even thank her for informing you. It could spawn further good deeds.
Hi and welcome!
Thanks for weighing in. I see that you've just joined so I assume you don't know my story. In a nutshell, BM is diagnosed bipolar and suspected by our family therapists to have borderline personality disorder; she is insanely jealous and insecure and uses SD as a pawn to hurt BF and me. SD is her entire life and she constantly shuts BF out and makes unilateral decisions, saying "I'M SD's MOTHER!" as though that excuses her to do whatever she wants without consulting the other parent. SD (age 11) has been driven to several suicide attempts by BM's horrible behavior so we're working on either a) getting BM to change her ways with an intensive in-home 9-month family therapy program or b) taking custody of SD with the therapists' help and recommendation to the court at the end of the program.
BM doesn't get along with us, nor with anyone else for that matter, but BF was sure to thank her for consulting with him. This is the first time in the 4 years since they split up (and frankly, during their 6-year marriage as well) that she has shared something like this with him to make a decision together. We're hoping it will keep happening, but we won't hold our breath! Even the therapists say, "well, you take 2 steps forward with BM and promptly take 5 steps back at the very next meeting. It's frustrating."
Knowing a little of your history...
I'm guessing it's "or...?" rather than an attempt at co-parenting. But I would be thrilled to be proven wrong on that!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I'm with you
That's exactly our viewpoint on this whole thing. Please prove us wrong, BM! Come on, you can do it!
The Devil's Advocate...
and I don't mean to be, but it just came to mind as I was reading the end of your post: Did BF ask what medication it was? You may want to find out, and do a little homework on it, just to cover your bases. Just double check and make sure it's nothing too controversial, especially for teenagers (such as prozac, etc.).
Other wise, expect the worst and hope for the best, in regards to attempts at co-parenting. Good luck!
Good thinking, Batgirl!
That was the first thing he asked. It's Wellbutrin. He actually did some research this morning that was a little unsettling, so he brought it up with the psychiatrist via email. Apparently, there's a study that shows an increase in suicidal thoughts and attempts in children and adolescents and it's generally not indicated for pediatric patients under 18. However, the anti-anxiety medication she had been on for over a year had similar study results and the psychiatrist assured us that the benefits far outweighed the risks. We trust her. She's a good doctor. We'll see what she has to say about this.
More about the "coparenting" conversation
My fiance filled me in a little more about the whole conversation. Now it sounds more like her. Here's how it went.
BM: I didn't want to give the go-ahead with this new regimen until I had discussed it with you and got your ok.
BF: Thank you very much for including me in the decision making. I trust Dr M's judgment and I'm fine with the new medication.
BM: I hope you will agree with this new plan that Dr M I have worked out as this is what is best for SD. (Um, is she deaf?)
BF: I trust Dr M's judgment and I'm fine with the new medication.
BM: I hope you will support SD's doctor in this. (Um, is she DEAF?)
BF: Again, I trust her judgment and I'm fine with the new medication.
BM: Well, I hope that you will go along with this. (Ok, what is this?)
BF: :?
BF was puzzled why she was implying that he wouldn’t agree (not once, but FOUR TIMES!) and was ignoring his assurance that this was fine. Then he realized: BM was trying to make it look like BF was being difficult in front of SD.
Isn't she a cow? Well, at least I don't feel so perplexed about it anymore!
It seemed so out of character - now I get it!
you've probably already
you've probably already thought of all of this, but what if she was trying to make it look like your bf's fault (to your stepdaughter) that she was being forced to take this medication, or that he was overly insistent, so that she can blame him if sd has any problems with the new meds? i don't really know anything about kids taking wellbutrin, but my mom was taking it for a while for ocd/depression. it seemed to help her a great deal- i mean it was amazing, but she had to stop taking it b/c of her blood pressure (she is in her 50's, and i'm sure that makes a big difference). or, maybe she was practicing lines she has learned from coparenting therapy, in order to make it appear that she is trying (to your bf and/or sd), so they might imply to the therapists that she is making progress, or improving, and the therapists might not shoot her down when she starts up w ith the slanders during their sessions. if she can be reasoned with, then maybe what she is saying is reasonable, or she might think that it will appear that way. it sounds like she said the right thing to get your bf to say the right thing to get you to believe for a minute that steps fw were being taken. maybe she is trying. i hope so. good luck with your crazy person!
it's the blame game, alright!
Green stepmommy, you're right on target I think. BM has a history of blaming and accusing and just generally badmouthing my fiance, so I'm sure that she'll use this in her arsenal somehow. She is extremely manipulative, so I wouldn't put it past her that she's trying to appear reasonable just to make it seem like she's making progress in the therapists' eyes, all the while planning her next attack.
Thanks for the good luck - we need all we can get!
Kind words from SD's psychiatrist
My fiance and SD's psychiatrist wrote back and forth to each other about our concerns with Wellbutrin and they happened to discusss how it went down with BM and this is what the good ol' doc had to say. I thought I'd share it with you because it's so nice to have some kind of validation:
I am happy that you are supportive of the medication change in SD, I suspected you would be, and had planned on contacting you to discuss it with you. I am glad that BM shared it with you, and yes I can imagine that BM still likes to try and make you look like the bad guy. I don't think she fools SD though.
I hope you all are well.