Want my stepson out !!!!
I have had it up to my eyeballs with this kid. I met his mom 4 years ago, after dating for about 2 years we were married, I love her very much, but I cannot stand her son. Silly me for thinking that time would change things between him and I.
He is now 18, almost 19. His day consists of laying on his lazy ass until 2 or 3 in the afternoon, playing video games watching TV etc... He does absolutely nothing to help in the household, when told to do something it is always a fight or argument. His mom for some reason just lets him get away with everything, he has no accountability, no responsibility and no respect for anyone, including her ! He destroys property just because he is bored, picks on anyone that he thinks he can intimidate, is a disgusting slob and generally doesn't give a shit about anything. He has no plans to do anything with his life beside sponge off of us for as long as we will let him as far as I can see.
His last job he quit because he just didn't like getting up in the morning and working all day, over the summer for some reason he got some initiative and joined the marines and he went off to Marine boot camp, . Well that lasted about 5 weeks ( god it was nice! ), then he got himself kicked out on purpose, he started saying stupid shit just so he would get out on a psych discharge.
His dad is a good for nothing dope addict and wife beater, and the son is following in his footsteps. We started testing him for pot once a month about 2 months ago ( after finding out that his dad gave him some when he was visiting him) and he hasn't tested clean once, the last time I told him if he comes up dirty one more time he will have to find a new place to live. I don't care if his mom likes it or not, and I'm sure she won't.
We are what is called a blended family I guess, she has two children, 18 and 17 and I have one that is 8. I don't want my son growing up to be like this loser ! I don't feel this way about her daughter, even though she is no angel, she at least is respectful and does what she is told without starting a war.
The only time my wife and I argue is when it involves him, typically the way it starts is he will do something stupid or destructive, I get pissed at him for doing it and she gets pissed at me for being pissed at him !
I'm getting to the breaking point, about a week ago he came home obviously high, bloodshot eyes, talking like he was half asleep..., we asked him if he had been smoking pot, he said no I haven't, then mom says ok if thats the truth. I was so flabbergasted, three people commented on his condition, one of them a freind of hers and she just takes his word for it?, well we will know for sure in about another week, he is due for another drug test and this time if it's hot he is gone, gone gone. Consequences be damned ! I can't put up with it anymore !
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I don't blame you!! Part of
I don't blame you!!
Part of me feels like I will be dealing with the same thing as you....but in 10 years!
Your wife, as wonderful as she is, is babying her son. She is doing nothing for him by allowing him to live his life the way he is. He needs treatment and or a swift kick out the front door. I got the kick out the front door on my 18th birthday because "I thought I knew everything!", and it was a sure eye opener for me.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It seems as though you have hit your boiling point, so maybe it's time for you to put your final foot down. She is not helping him by allowing this behavior.
Have you thought of making an appointment with a counselor so you can confront her (your wife) while having a therapist with you? She needs to hear the truth.
Good luck to you!
Want my stepson out !
Yep, been down the therapy path with her, and him. His mom acknowledges all the problems, he flat out told the counseler that he didn't care what anybody thinks about him and she said that if he can't see that what he is doing is wrong then she can't help us..., end of counseling.
I have tried to get him set up with counseling for himself, but he won't go because he " just doesn't like talking to people", and since he is 18 I can't make him go if he doesn't want to.
18...
That's a good point. He's 18 and you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. His mom is also of age and you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to. Unless she's a major cradle-robber, you are also over 18... but why is it YOU have to do what YOU don't want to do, i.e. living with a substance user and submitting your much younger child to that influence? Why can they do whatever they want, but YOU can't do what YOU want, namely kicking his ass out? I can see how frustrating that must be!
I think you're stuck in a vicious cycle that isn't going to change until either she gets on board with straightening this kid out or you get fed up enough to kick him out or leave yourself. That's tough... it doesn't leave you with many palatable options, does it? Stick to your guns and lose the woman you love or leave her to continue enabling her son and still lose the woman you love. Is there anyone she is close to, maybe a trusted friend or family member outside the household with whom you could talk to find support in approaching her about this? Maybe she needs to hear it from someone else, someone who can be objective, but still get through to her. Have you thought about Al-Anon or anything like that? Even just visiting their website might give you some good ideas on how to approach this with her.
Hitting 18 is huge and people view it with either enthusiasm to be starting their adult life or with panic that they now have to fend for themselves. You raise them up the best you can, then at 18 you throw them out there and they either sink or swim on their own. If they are playing by the rules, furthering their education and working towards independence, then of course you help them out as much as you can to achieve their goals. But if all they are doing is being huge, food-eating, mess-making, irresponsible sponges, well, it's time for them to learn how to find their own food, clean up their own messes and be responsible for their own lives.
~ Anne ~
Ya its not their
Ya its not their fault.
Thanks,
John K
e cigarette, e cigarettes
Why is she babying him...
Why is she babying him? If he doesn't go to school, then he should have a job. I don't blame you for not wanting your son around him. I think you need to stick to your guns, and if he tests positive - he's out, and if he doesn't, give him a timeframe to get a job or he's out. Your wife has to understand this..she can't possibly think it's okay for him to continue this way.
I know it's hard..that's why they call it 'tough love'. I swear these kids these days, we did something wrong along the way in preparing them to be on their own. My daughter is 26, just married, and she still wants help from me financially. Everyone telle me to but them off, even my therapist, and I'm doing better, but I know it is so hard!
Maybe you and your wife should get counseling, and forget about sending ss for counseling, he doesn't want it and won't appreciate it. Maybe a counselor can help your wife she is not helping her son..she is enabling him!
Good Luck
V
I agree
You should probably send him packing immediately or back with the dad. Put your son first and don't have that influence in your home. I'm afraid he's too far gone and will always be a bad seed.
I'm sorry to hear that...I
I'm sorry to hear that...
I think she's helping his behavior, not trying to change it. I hope you feel better having some place to go to vent and get it off your chest.
Unless she decideds to show him the door or get him in therapy, he will not change. If he is smoking pot and getting away with it, he will not want to change...it's up to her. And, since he's 18...it sounds so logical to tell him to do it on his own.
I'm sort of strict I would say, or I just feel that children need to either be in college at 18, or working full time and helping towards the houshold in order to be under the parents roof. He's doing neither........
Have a better day
What kind of therapist is that?!?!?
WOW... I think you need to reevaluate who you saw, that's for sure.
He needs to be signed up for rehab treatment program- pronto. Not just counseling... be sure to find a good psychiatrist in this area.
If he breaks other people's things, does he own anything? Just curious, might be time to remove those objects. If he plays video games all day, take the video game console out of your home. If he watches TV all day, guess what... remove the tv. Unfortunately, the whole house will suffer for his consequences, but consequences need to be set up in this case. It's obvious he has no responsibility for anything, and does he have an anger control issue? Just curious.
I think you are right in
putting your foot down also. If he tests positive I would tell him if he wants to smoke pot he can do it in his own place around his own people. He should be thinking about his future at this point anyway-not wasteing away at your place. In my opinion the best thing you could do for him is to send him on his way. I once knew a guy who did this same thing and his parents were going through what you are and you know what--he is now almost 30 and still doesn't know how to take care of himself. He's still smoking pot, can't hold down a job, drinks excessively has mulitiple DUI"s is not allowed to drive and guess what---his momma is still bailing him out. Point being if you don't make him do it on his own now that he is an adult he never will. He's not momma's baby any more--it's time your wife starts seeing him as a man--then maybe he'll start acting like one.
Alisha
Alisha
Blow up last night
Well it looks like things finally came to a head last night. SS started his crap, went into his sisters room and started trashing stuff, throwing things at her etc..., she yelled and screamed at him and threw him out of her room. He spent an hour or so saying what a bitch she was and that he wasn't doing anything, totally inoccent, yea right..., a little while later he goes back into her room and I heard her yelling at him for SPITTING ON THE FLOOR !!! at this point wife comes down stairs and starts yelling at daughter for being such a bitch, I stick up for daughter, wife and I get into a huge argument with her saying how I just pick on SS all the time, that I hate him and just want him out. I said did you hear her say that he was SPITTING ON THE FLOOR? she says yes I did, so what?
I can't do this anymore, I am taking my son today after work and we are leaving for a while. What else can I do?, my fear is what will happen to my house while I am gone?, but then again, I don't really care anymore, I'm sick of the whole mess...
I am sorry to hear this.I
I am sorry to hear this.
I do agree that maybe a weekend away is a very good idea. Your son might need this time with his dad. I make sure to spend quality time with my 7 year old daughter whenever things get crazy with the step-children in this house. My daughter is shy, and the skids are definately not. So enjoy some time with him.
I would probably tell her exactly what your thoughts are when you decide to leave for a while. Let her know that you aren't sure when you will be back and your reason for this is because you need peace and sensibility to come back into the household. I would politely ask her to make sure your house it respected while you are away. I hope she comes to her senses.
Maybe trying one last time with a marriage counselor would be a good idea. Appt. for monday morning?
I don't blame you one bit
I have just signed up for this website and read a little bit about your situation. I too have a pain in the ass stepson and I too am sick of him. I have had to live with him since he was 15, he's now 22. He is lazy, disrespectful, a huge slob, does nothing but eat, sleep and watch tv. His Dad can't understand why I don't try to be the bigger person and overlook his imperfections??????????? What????
I could go on and on about the things he has done and what I've had to put up with. Huge party's every time we would go out of town even though I threatened him each time. Dad never did anything about it. We went through the drug situation too, Dad never did anything. And he wonders why I don't want to go on trips anymore?? Bottom line, I am sick of him. Worst of all, he has a medical condition. Every time something comes up, they play the Medical condition card. Oh, he can't mow the grass because he has this. He can't empty the dishwasher or vacuum or anything because he has this. But, he can go out partying all night with his friends and he can play baseball in the heat all day. the condition is not a problem as long as he has something fun to do. Hmm. His condition is very much under control, but he uses it to his advantage as often as he can. Like you, his Dad and I fight over the shit he does or doesn't do. I am always wrong. Both his father and his mother baby him and wait on him hand and foot. I think when you are 22 and your Dad is ironing and cooking for you, it's pretty sad. He is going to college and almost through. I am afraid he will never go out on his own even after he graduates. Don't think his Dad will make him. Guess I'm going to have to kick them both out or move myself.......I just needed to vent and I totally understand your situation. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy!!!
I think that's a good move
I think that's a good move at this point...but I have to say....
Legally I think there might be some ramifications if YOU leave the house. You might want to look into that so you don't have any 'surprises' down the road.
I would probably be going to jail if I were you right now... because I probably would have gone off on that little bastard for being such an asshole...splitting on the floor..!!!! THAT"S DISGUSTING!!!!!!
You can't have your 8 year old living in that kind of environment. You are his 'protector' and the environment you subject him too can change 'who he is'....
She needs to wake up!!! She's creating a monster!!!
I feel bad for you & your son......
I guess it's over
She just came to where I work, threw her wedding rings, checkbook, credit cards, car keys, etc... on my desk and said " there I'll save you some time"
I almost feel like this is what I want, but if so, why do I feel like shit?
Dear Steamed
First I just want to say that I am sorry for your situation right now. No one get's married and plans to divorce, and failure is no fun.
Yes, you probably do want out, and you should b/c you can not work with this woman. She letting a child of hers "run the show" when she should be "running the show" with you. She is working the cart in front of the horse, rather than the other way around. And you feel miserable b/c you can't make a marriage with her successful. Let me tell you my friend, it takes two to make a marriage work, and in this case, only you are working with any sense. As long as she is going to let this young man run her life, there will be no room for a husband in her life.
My question for you is, why should you leave? I think you should keep your child and your house, and make mom and ss leave. Since sd sounds responsible and respectful, I would let her stay, but I don't believe you should be the one leaving.
If you do leave, make sure you do take your son with YOU. If you have her leave, make sure you keep your son with YOU. In the eyes of the courts, if the father allows bm to take child with her, then he is allowing her to have custody of the child. If you fight from the get-go, that is your only chance of showing the courts you truly want custody to raise the child, and not just avoid having to pay child support.
Also, file immediately temporary custody. Go to an attorney, pay the retainer, and file immeidately temporary custody for your son. The first one to the courts is the winner (in my experience) so if you need to take a day off of work, you should do so.
Bests,
Candice
DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!!
Doesn't matter whose name it's in, just don't leave. Ask her to leave, ask him to leave. If your name is on the deed/mortgage and he's 18 and won't leave if you ask him to leave, then call the police and have him escorted out. But don't you dare leave your house, because she could have the locks changed and there wouldn't be a thing you could do to get back in, except go through the courts. Trust me, I know. I was 5 months pregnant with my son when my husband and I had an argument. I went spent that day at my parents' house, letting things settle down. By the time I came home, he'd had the locks changed and I couldn't get back in. He also had taken me off the bank accounts. (And I was the one with the high-paying job!) I actually had to retain a lawyer and go through the courts just to get my clothing and personal belongings out of the house. Even then, he just moved everything out into the driveway for me to pick up, so I had to go back to court for another order allowing me a chance to walk-through and get anything he'd missed. So don't leave. Throw HIM out and she can follow if she doesn't want to be married to you. People who love you don't treat you like this. You deserve better and so does your small one. Please keep us posted!
~ Anne ~
P.S. You feel like shit because you've been treated like shit and you're in a shitty situation. Even when it's what you want or what you think you want, it hurts. Allow yourself that. It WILL get better!
Again, I am sorry. Anyone
Again, I am sorry. Anyone would feel like shit with this situation. It's a marriage!
Does that mean that she is moving out of your house? I hope she left the house keys so her son can't damage anything. How sad for her daughter...
Has this ever happened before? A big blowout?
Want my Stepson Out !!!!!!!!
She left the second vehicle here at my job, started walking the 15 miles back to the house, called me on her cell and said she would appreciate it if I could pick her up so she didn't have to walk the last 10 miles. I left work to pick her up, when she got in the vehicle I told her you didn't have to walk back, she said F-U and I drove her the rest of the way home in silence.
I drove back to work and had a friend follow me home with the vehicle since I now had two vehicles at work, parked it in the garage, went in the house and SS is painting his room like nothing has happened ( big surprise ), SD has our wedding pictures on the table, along with a long note to both of us and wife is locked in the bedroom. I left the vehicle and the keys and came back to work.
I don't know what to do from here, I want to just get out for the weekend but am afraid of what will happen to the house, I own the house, bought before we were married, both vehicles too. I think at this point I will just take my son to grandma's for the weekend and go back home to protect the house and see what happens.
No need to file for custody, she is stepmom to my son, his BM has removed herself from his life, I have full custody.
I still feel like a shitheel, I didn't want us to end like this
It might not be an ending, but a real beginning.
Sometimes you have to have that big, eye-opening moment. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to really know whether or not this is the real deal or just the current deal. You guys are at a real defining moment in your relationship and where it goes from here depends on how you both handle it. If she loves you and wants to stay married to you, then she needs to be a grown-up about dealing with her adult son. This isn't the time for temper tantrums, it's the time to look the problem square in the face and come up with some viable solutions. If you want to stay married to her, then you need to find some options that you can live with so that she doesn't feel like she's throwing her firstborn to the wolves. Would you feel comfortable giving him one month to find a job and a place to live, then giving him some starting out money or maybe helping him obtain transportation so that he can get back and forth to work? She needs to respect YOU, too, and appreciate all you've done for her and her children. Maybe you should take your son to grandma's and maybe send the other two off to spend the night with friends or family or wherever so that you can have time alone to work it out. Would she even be willing to try to see your side of this? I don't think you're a bad person for this. The mere fact that this kid is a substance user would prevent me from allowing his shadow to cross my doorstep. You have a very young, very impressionable child that doesn't need that influence and you are well within your rights to either have the drug use stop and the behavior improve or to remove this adult from your home. He may be her child, but he's an adult. It's your house. Your rights take precedence. Hang in there.
~ Anne ~
Want My Stepson out !!!
Yes, I think I had that eye opening moment last week, my son the 8 yr old did something very stupid, he cut open a squishy ball to see what was inside. The result- blue goo all over the kitchen counters and cabinets. I made him clean up the mess, grounded him to his room for a day and gave him a stern talking too. The part that opened my eyes was that SS came into the kitchen while my son was cleaning up the mess with me supervising and wanted to know what happened, I told him and his comment was to laugh and say wow, he's acting more and more like me every day, that's something I would do.
That hit me right between the eyes like a freight train...
You were holding YOUR son accountable
Why doesn't your wife do this with HER son?
All is not lost.
I agree with Anne, but I do think it's time for some major major action.
For one thing, I think it's time for a serious look into Rehab. That's the only way I'd go, if he remained in my home, he has to agree to Rehab, anger management control, and counseling- PERIOD. Otherwise, it the road Jack and don't come back. Seriously, I would be putting my foot down, and if your wife doesn't want to look at it for what it is, then she too needs counseling. I'd be dragging her in, I tell you! LOL...
I can tell you she's resisting probably because she feels guilty for her own relationship woes, and his own father. It's those unresolved issues which now have manifested repercussions. Therefore, she certainly overcompensates so that 'she's the good parent, the friend'.
Sadly, it's now taken it's toll, and instead of dealing with the issues head on, she's deflecting them.
If I were you, I'd put a lock on each of the bedrooms, have a master key to all of those, and when he goes on these rants, such as yelling at SD, which she kicked him out, she could have locked her door from him backlashing at her. Then at least, the other kids can feel somewhat safer. It by no means is a solution, but it is something to think about. And if you have a master key, then at least the others kids can't use 'locking the door' to shut you out during their own disgruntled issues as kids do, if you know what I mean.
Other than that, pretty much everything has been said. I hope all goes well, keep us updated.
Want stepson out !!!
Locked doors don't work, he gets pissed off enough he just kicks them down, already happened...
Then you need to call the
Then you need to call the police...
Just call the police...
the reason your ss kicks down doors is b/c there is no ramifications to his actions. Let him be arrested for trespassing, and vandalism, go spend the night in jail, his mother can worry about bail, and he will then have time to think about his actions, and actually pay a penalty for his distruction.
Unfortunately, you are going to have to take action on ss b/c he doesn't respect your boundaries. He has never been required to. Call the police, and kick everyone out. This is your property and you have every right to protect it.
Your ss sounds really crazy for painting his room like nothing ever happened...that sounds really strange to me.
Good luck, keep us posted,
Candice
If only it were that easy
All of these ideas are great but we can never know why kids do the things that they do. As well, parents are not always responsible for all of the less favorable things that they do anymore than they are for the good things that they do.
This person has problems...no doubt. Why is difficult to know but the most important thing is getting counseling for you so that you have some tools to cope. You can drag others to counseling but if they don't want to go, how effective will it be. From experience, all of this is easier said than done....take care of your own personal coping.
Steamed...
Well, how is your weekend going? Any resolutions? Keep us posted!
~ Anne ~
Want my stepson out !!
We decided to discuss the whole sorry mess instead of her or I leaving. First thing we did was make it an alone weekend for her and I. I took my son to his grandmothers, SD went to boyfriends house and SS was told that he needed to stay somewhere else for the weekend and that he needed to do some serious thinking about his attitude about life and the direction that he was going ( this came from mom, not me )
After much, yelling, screaming, crying, and talking we have agreed on a few major things.
1. She has guilt in relation to what her kids were put through when she was with her ex, ( drug use, watching him physically abuse her, alchoholism etc...) and feels that she failed her kids by not leaving him sooner than she did.
2. Her enabling behavior to SS is a direct result of this guilt.
3. I don't like SS, and would be much happier if he were out of the house.
4. SS has no direction, no motivation and no initiative.
SS spent the weekend at his grandmothers house, it just so happens that his uncle was also there for the weekend, Uncle and I are good friends and he knows the way I feel about SS and agrees with me. He spent both days talking with SS, I guess he really let him have it with both barrels. They had some tears and screaming of their own. His observations were:
1. SS doesn't like himself
2. SS has some anger toward his mom because he feels that she is the reason that he failed in the Marines. She was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease while he was in boot camp and her letters to him about this were the reason that he felt he had to come home.
3. He is afraid of me because I am a quiet person ( I admit that I am, I'm a better listener than a talker )and he doesn't know how to approach me or start a conversation with me. He feels that we have nothing in common.
Uncle told SS a few things that have needed to be said for a long time also, that my wife and I love each other very much, that I am the closest thing to a dad that SS has ever had, that he should wake up every day thanking the lord that I came into their lives and that SS has been royally F*CKING it up since day one.
Wife and I sat down with SS last night to talk, he said that he knows his attitude stinks, that he doesn't know why and that he will work on it. Also said that he wants to go to a technical school that is near Uncle's house, ( I gotta shake uncle's hand for that one ) uncle has offered to let him stay with him while he is going to school. However uncle has also said that he will get a part time job while in school, he will be given random drug tests and basically uncle will be up his ass every single day.
I told him that I thought that it was a great idea, it would get him out in the world and gain him some independence. However, while he is living in my house, he will respect the other people that live there, he will be tested regularly for drugs and the first time it comes back positive he will be asked to leave.
Now , thinking about how I feel about all of this...., I really don't want to get my hopes up, we have had these kind of talks with him before and he makes plans and sets goals that he never puts the effort into to achieve. I hope that the school thing works out and that he follows through, I think it will be good for him to get away from his mom and her enabling behavior, and that uncle won't put up with his BS, I guess time will tell..., I am researching the school he wants to go to today, getting info on the school, finacial aid and student loans for him. From there I guess it's up to him... I'm keeping my fingers crossed...
This is good news. You had
This is good news. You had me and I'm sure a lot of other people here worried this weekend. I'm very glad that you were able to have a weekend to "work things out". I'm also happy that "Uncle" was there for the SS to talk to. It's amazing how much better a person feels when they can get thoughts, words, and messy stuff off their chest.
I'm sure that SS has needed to talk for a while, and needed that soft place to fall. Definately, his uncle was that person. I was in a rough spot for about 3 years, and it was hard to talk to people because I was so dissappointed in myself that it was easier to just keep everything inside. My behavior was not worthy of much, but after a while, I straightened out. This was 13 years ago, and much of what I experienced I use now to teach my children, and also use it to display how to be a good person, and how to go about handling life after high school.
Again, this is a great step in the right direction. Communication will be top on the importance list right now for you and your wife. Keep the lines open and give each other LOTS of hugs.
Have a great day!
I called the college, got in
I called the college, got in touch with the representative in my area and set up an appt for him to come to our house and talk to SS and us. I hope, hope, hope that he will take this seriously and not embarrass me. After all the ranting and raving is done, I do care about this young man and what he does with his life, I just get very frustrated and angry when he passes up so many opportunities for no good reason.
Also, in reading over my posts I have realized that I never once thanked anyone for their suggestions and support. It really helps me to have a place to go to vent and hear that others agree with my thinking. For all of you that offered your support, THANK YOU !
Absolutely great news...
you are most certainly on the right path, but I won't stop with attempting to repair the bridge and even seeking counseling while everyone is calm and talking. Communication from here on out is a big part of this healing. Way to go!
I absolutely think that this is a great development. Believe us, some of us have been in your shoes before in similar situations, therefore, don't hesitate on coming back, and giving us updates.
Crisis averted but still a hard situation
So the immediate crisis is averted, but you still have to figure out a long term resolution. I have been exactly in your shoes. Some advice I have is this:
1. Do not move out. If it suggested that either you or your wife move out, make sure it is her and she takes stepson with her. Put in this situation, I guarantee that she and stepson will not live happily ever after. She will struggle trying to pay her rent and make ends meet, and she will very quickly tire of coming home from work and finding him laying around high. She will get angry just like you are and a little lightbulb will go off in her head and she will understand your feelings SO much better.
2. Set timelines and get him OUT. Even if he starts school or quits with drugs, he will find other ways to drive a wedge between you and your wife. He wants her - so far in life she is the provider and defender of his drug taking, selfish, lazy "It's all about me enjoying getting high" lifestyle. I suggest no longer than a month. Get some other schmuck to take him in and refuse to take him back.
Glad to hear it, Steamed!
I know it's hard to be too overjoyed, since history has a way of repeating itself someteimes, but maybe a little cautious optimism is in order. Maybe this kid just needs a mentor who has expectations and encourages him to meet them. If he's intimidated by you, not that it's anything you've done or not done, maybe the uncle is a good choice for that. I have an uncle with Parkinson's and I know how that illness can progress and the toll it can take on families, but I also know from my husband what boot camp was like and let me tell you as the wife of a retired Marine, his failure was HIS failure and not your wife's. He just may not have been cut out for it. Hopefully, he'll start school and find out what he IS cut out for and become everything he should be in life. Maybe then he'll have a reason to be proud of himself, stop blaming others and start liking himself a little more. Maybe then you'll start liking him a little more, too. It might not happen tomorrow or the next day, but maybe there is a happy ending in it for you if you hang in there. And if not, well, you know where to find us!
~ Anne ~
Steamed..
I am in the same shoe you are in at many times.. Just right now my SS is in a dtention center for what was suppose to be 5 months that has now turned into to 7 months. (They took 27 days credited time away and added another 30 to the original 6 months.) Because he flunked a drug test in there.. 1st test.. They are testing him until he is clean now.
I want to say to you..
MY bio father was abusive to my mom, drank a lot, did drugs never wanted to work and he molested two of my sisters. My mom stayed with him for 10 years. I can somewhat understand your wifes guilt but then again I cannot. I have never once said to my mom anything about that situation that would make her feel guilty at all. I did however mention once when a lady we knew for years.. Got her butt kicked literally blood all over knocked out teeth and a hospital trip for 1 week. My mom made a comment of "I feel sorry for her", my response to her was I don't. She has been putting up with the violece for 30 years. It is now her fault. She is still with him today. I told my mom that I blame her for her beatings because she stayed. After the first time all woman should know that its never going to change no matter what they say. My mom has never felt guilty in a sense. I am sure deep down she feels guilty for not knowing about my sisters until a few years later and then she kicked him out.. I remember I was 6 years old, we lived in a house down a long lane in the country, after she kicked him out, he pulled up and with all of us kids standing right behind her in the kitchen she got the shot gun a friend gave her he walked thru the door and she told him to leave and if he did not leave she was shooting, only then did my father realise that he no longer had the power of intimidation. He left, and I think I seen him twice and its been 25 years since I have seen that man. He did a lot of damage. But I am normal. I treat my kids good, my husband and my SK..
Your wife needs to let go of the guilt. She left him and moved on to a better life with you. Her son needs to plain ass grow up. She needs to run her house as though none of that ever happened. With him he needs to respect you and the others, and his mom. Because he is not respecting her when he disrespects you or anyone else in the house. That boy can rule the roost when and only he owns and pays his own way.
Sorry just thought I would share since in a way my story of being a kid was the same as stepsons and all.
Its all about choices and I learned a long time ago to take the fall when I did something. I could definately be an abuser with what I seen but that is just an excuse. Every person on earth has the choice to make there lives what they are. There is not one single person that is totally 100% happy with everything they grew up with.. If there is I would like to meet them. But its about choices and unfortunately we let people do bad things and give them there excuse of well he was molested as a kid or beat or whatever that is why he does it. NO he made the choice just as his father who probably repeated what he had done to him. At some point someone has to say I do not want to be that way and BREAK THE CYCLE...
Sorry..
Happy :o
I'm laughing, but not because I'm happy...
I have a stepson EXACTLY like your's. He's now 23, and has been ejected from our house three times since he was 18, ending up at the homeless shelter. He finds a job, gets his act together, then self-destructs. He's no longer welcome here, by me or his Mom. He's used eery excuse in the book every time...
Be strong, say no when you have to.
For instance, GET A JOB, GO TO COLLEGE, OR LEAVE.
If you give an inch, they'll sleep all day....
don't blame you
I would feel the same with a kid of legal age sitting around doing nothing.
I have a step daughter who is that age who lives with her mother and the mother encourages it, as she wants her daughter to be her best friend ( how dumb)
Recently they are having conflicts over household duties as the place is going downhill big time and step daughter made an effort to come over to my house to see her father
all the while insulting me, telling me it was her house and she could come over and do what she wanted, speaking to me as if I were a 6 year old trying to set up her rules
needless to say, her plan and hopes did not work despite her really giving it her all.
I would not like or want her living with me and my husband and there is really nothing under the sun that could happen to make me change my mind. She has many of the traits you have in your stepson, the difference is my husband is on my side and doesn't want that nonsense in our lives and your spouse seems to not mind.
I'd be sure to make his life hard while he was there, interruptions in the electricty ( turn off power at breakers)
to most everything except maybe the fridge and hot water tank, heat or ac....after 11pm, for starters.
Maybe he will fall asleep... which menas he will maybe wake up early and go look for work. haha
I bet he will sure get sick of no lights after 11pm and start to make plans to move out ( hopefully).
get another fridge and keep it in the garage ( with lock on garage door) so he does not have much to eat, certainly with no food, hot water, electricity after 11pm, he will seek his way out of the house and into his own place
where he can have those things ( get a job)
and live happily everafter !!!