SD moves in - what would you do?
Hi, I'm just joined today because I'm so stressed out. Hopefully, your comments will help me.
I have 2 SD(14 and 11). Their Dad and I have two children together (6 and 1). For the last 4 years, SDs have lived with their maternal grandmother. It took us 2 years to figure out they weren't with their mom ever. My youngest SD begged and pleaded with my DH to live with us. My DH went for custody. He lost, $30,000 later. Both SD lied and said they did live with their Mom. So be it.
BM strongly dislikes DH and I. We have nothing in common.
Since then, both SD acted very disrespectfully - swearing in our home, acting however they wished, calling us both names in front of our DS. We visited a counsellor and he told us that they should not be allowed back in our home until they apologised sincerely. They did.
In October this year, 14 yo SD had a huge fight with her Mom and her Mom said she could no longer live at her grandmother's - either with us or her. SD picked us. She was only supposed to be with us for a month until things calmed down but she is still with us. She won't make a clear choice as to where she is living, but meanwhile DH pays full support - but she is with us all the time.
She is respectful to me, but with conditions. I feel like I am walking on eggshells at times. Honestly, I do not want her to live with us. I know I have to support my DH, but I am miserable. She doesn't do anything around the home. DH makes her lunch every morning while she lies on the couch or reads a book. I feel as though I can't ask her to do anything because "that's not my place".
I don't even want to come home after work anymore. I am going to see a counsellor again tomorrow, but I am almost at the point where I would leave.
Noone asked what I felt about her living with us a month - I didn't have a choice and now I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I wish I could change the way I feel, but I can't. Pretty soon my youngest SD will want to live with us, and I don't want that.
Please help!
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SD moves in
I am also seeing a counsellor, and she told me that you have to know up front if you are with someone who has kids, there is always that possibility that they will end up with you...you get the whole package - sometimes unfortunately. But I like you and probably so many of us...didn't think about that ahead before we fell in love with these guys that have young kids. You two need to have a talk with her and BM and make her make a decision as to who she is living with, or take BM back to court and have child support cut out since she is with you...my bet is BM will have her back in a flash if the money is gone! It is not fair to have her for that length of time and still be paying BM child support. And talk with your husband, he needs to step and give her chores around the house and quit waiting on her..she lives there now...it's not just a weekend thing. Although, I think they should have chores around the house even on weekend visits.
Hope you can work it out with all concerned. I can tell it is driving you crazy!
Thank you.
Thank you - I know that ultimately you are right. When we marry men with children, they come as a package. I had a really good relationship with my SDs, but it basically got sabotaged from BMs jealousy and insecurity. I know that I'm making it sound so stereotypical, but unfortunately that is the way it is.
I have tried so hard with both these girls, but for the past 6 years it has been such a struggle. They have damaged my home, stole from me and lied. It is very hard to get past all of that and just welcome them into your home, even if they are being respectful (conditionally).
I think you are right about the BM wanting the money too. She also gets money from the government for them. I think she will make it very difficult for SD to live with us, but I can't help thinking what if she just says OK? I have to be prepared for that.
Worse case scenario (and I am hoping that seeing the counsellor will give me some strength), DH and I will have to sit down with her and give her some guidelines. If she doesn't like them, then she has to go back to her Moms.
Life is so messy. Thank you for your comments!
Good luck
I have a friend that has married a man with 2 teenage sons. BEfore they came to live with them, they made each of them sign a contract along with the BM stating what they expect from the boys, re: grades, cleanliness, language, family participation, etc...you name it -it was on the agreement. I laughed at first, but it seems to be working for all of them. If they violate the statement in a major way - they will be sent back to BM. This may be an option!