Venting about his holiday attitude!
I am disengaged from SD27 for about two years which includes NOT spending any real time or energy on Christmas gifts for her anymore. SS30 is completely out of the picture and has been no-contact for many years now.
By way of background, my SO has always been gung-ho about having all kinds of gifts under the tree for the skids to unwrap, even after they reached adulthood. For more than 10 years, I helped him pick out gifts, wrap gifts, do the big Christmas dinner, etc. It was his somewhat feeble attempt at making Christmas "merry and bright" despite all the disfunction.
I wracked my brain and helped my SO every year trying to figure out thoughtful gifts for the skids, which were always met with a generic "Thanks..." response when they were opened. Usually, you never saw any use of the item or further comment about it whether it was expensive jewelry or clothing, or gift certificates for services like expensive hair salons, subscriptions/memberships, etc.
We are now permanently relocated to our retirement home. This also happens to be the same town where what's left of my family (siblings) live. This is the first Christmas I get to spend with ALL my remaining family members together, and I've been looking forward to it for more than twenty years! It is my family tradition to do gift exchanges. My SO has always received gifts from them and I've helped him choose gifts for them, too.
I've usually had to do my family's gifts by mail in previous years because of course, we had to stick around to be available to spend whatever scraps of time the SKIDS had on Christmas!
SD and her new hubby live in our old town far away, so this is the first year that she won't be part of the holiday and there's no need to put on the Christmas dog and pony show for her. Last year, I got her then-fiance a few small gifts (related to his hobby) even though I had only met him twice. I figured her relationship with him might be a turning point with her but no such luck. I've since learned he is as self-absorbed and selfish as she is.
About a month ago, SO announced that he really hates to get gifts for people because he never knows what to get so he doesn't want to buy any gifts for anyone - including me. He also said, that in fairness, he really doesn't want anyone to give him anything either. Nonetheless, I am quite certain the SD and her husband will get a nice fat check from him.
So after all these years of considerable cost and energy on my part to make a "nice" Christmas for his kids, my SO has decided that giving gifts at Christmas (at least with just me and my family) is not worthwhile.
Convenient, isn't it, that now skids are no longer recipients of the thoughtful gift-giving process, he's become Scrooge!
Fine. By. Me.
I told my family he said not to get him anything this year because they won't be getting anything from him. WE WILL, however, have a nice dinner here, exchange gifts among ourselves, and he can sit there and watch us. My sister was somewhat miffed because she had already gotten him something, but she has since given it to a charity. Good for her.
It goes without saying that I won't let his attitude ruin my Christmas with my family but I am sure most of you Steptalkers can understand I have a nice simmering case of resentment towards my SO and his new holiday attitude!
F*ck him ... he's going to get what he wants. Which is nothing much. Including any genuine attention or well-wishes from his beloved long-distance spawn.
You are being punished for
You are being punished for not being your usual doormat self. How dare you not do all of the foot work so HE has a merry little time with the skids. I foresee he might leave the celebration or refuse to take part because things are not going his way - a tantrum. Good for you. If I were in your shoes, I would be determined to have a good time with my family and tell him you are honoring his wishes. Funny how they don't mind looking like a jerk to the SM but is more concerned about his image to other people. I'll bet though that before Christmas he has a change of heart rather than looking like an a$$ to everyone else.
Sandy, you are right that I
Sandy, you are right that I am fully planning on having a blast with my family members! And SO can't refuse to participate because it's here at our house!
I came home yesterday with a small gift I had gotten one of my siblings, was all excited about it and showed it to SO. I hope it hit home to him that he is NOT going to be the recipient of any thoughtful gift-giving this year, because that is what he asked for and it's exactly what he's getting.
As for his image to others, he's already blown it with my family members. They've been including him in our gift-giving tradition since the first year I was with him, and having him make his "announcement" that he doesn't want to do it anymore already makes him look like an a$$hat.
While I don't think he'll have a tantrum, I do think he will be all maudlin and moody by the end of the night. Oh well. If you say you no longer want to participate in an activity with people who CARE ABOUT YOU ... see how that goes for you! }:)
This just happened to
This just happened to SugarSpice, it's on the forum general discussion, 18th December. I'm very grateful when this information gets posted because it really does help me learn a better way of life.
I just read Sugar's post!
I just read Sugar's post! Yep, sounds like the same crappy attitude. If there are no skids involved, then no more thought to the holiday is necessary.
My DH still does the big gift
My DH still does the big gift exchange with his adult kids, and even his siblings and their kids (who we never see or even hear from). That's his tradition, so fine, but totally contrary to my views of what Christmas is. But that's their thing and I'd be wrong to try to change it. We do try to set a budget, and DH sometimes pays attention to that, sometimes not.
Anyway, he got grumpy with me when I wanted to buy gifts for my bio's pets. Which is MY tradition. Pets are family. They get gifts at Christmas. His $500 tradition is apparently ok, but my $50 tradition is not. (I bought the pets something anyway.)
See, Merry, this is
See, Merry, this is fundamentally the same issue. You are supportive of HIS traditions even though you are not necessarily in agreement with them, but he balks at YOURS!
Right. You get it. And his
Right. You get it. And his has a much, much higher price tag. But it's not even the money. It's the assumption that DH family is right and the Merry family is just being silly. Did I ask DH to buy a gift for the pets? No. Do I expect DH family to buy gifts for MY pets? No. Of course not. But if I want to buy a gift for my own bio's dogs (or my own dogs for that matter), then I will do so thankyouverymuch.
I use the word "assimilate" when I describe how I feel about the holidays when it comes to his family. I also tell him that there is no oxygen left in the room for me. And I just refuse to let go of the things that are fun and meaningful for me.
"I just refuse to let go of
"I just refuse to let go of the things that are fun and meaningful for me"
Keep that as your mantra! And that's exactly what I'm doing. When he said he wanted to dispense with Christmas gifts this year, I think he stupidly thought that I'd go along with it COMPLETELY - meaning, I wouldn't do it with my family either. Bull.
With whatever time I have left on this earth, I am going to spend it (and my cash) doing things with and for those I love and who love me. That doesn't include skids. And it may not include SO if the winds blow that way ...
I am in the last phase of my life and it is going by much too fast. I'll be damned if I let a petulant Disney Daddy or his ungrateful offspring spoil any of it for me from now on.
So, you helped SO gift give
So, you helped SO gift give for Christmas while his kids were around but as soon as skids are far away he suddenly doesn't want to gift give anymore. The first year you are actually able to visit your family in 20 years because his kids have always come first. So essentially Christmas revolves around his kids and too bad for everybody else. He is being childish with this as it is now his turn to support you and your family.
If it was me, I would pack him off to visit the center of his universe (with no gifts from you) and enjoy your wonderful family! Hope you have a Merry Christmas
That's pretty much it in a
That's pretty much it in a nutshell, Valkyrie! Of course, if he were confronted with this fact he would vehemently deny it.
And don't worry - my family and I will thoroughly enjoy each other's company and we WILL have a Merry Christmas!
Maybe the holidays have lost
Maybe the holidays have lost their lustre since he won't be spending them doting on his ungrateful kids.
Or maybe he is like DH and I have been for several years.....trying to GET RID OF STUFF......even threatening the other one to not get us anything unless some of the existing stuff goes out the door.
But your approach is correct.....don't let his scroogeness spoil your holidays. If he complains about it not being special tell him next year he is welcome to visit his children giving them things they don't appreciate. You've wait for years to spend time with your family, and he is not ruining it for you.
Lamb, I agree that we don't
Lamb, I agree that we don't absolutely "need" anything at this point in our lives. We've already downsized quite a bit, but (like most people!
could do more.
In the past, we've been big about giving each other experience gifts - activities, concerts, etc. We will actually wrap up a small box or package just for the fun factor, with the certificate inside.
He evidently finds that too much of a stretch anymore. Not my problem. I've decided to give my siblings a few experiences this year, and I will thoroughly enjoy going on the activities with THEM. It's my small attempt at trying to make up for all those lost years they were on the holiday back burner, primarily because of HIS kids.
I am so happy that you are
I am so happy that you are finally getting to have the Christmas you wanted with your family. It seems to be a long time coming. That is what is going to make it so special for you. You will have the love of your family, good conversations, laughter, smiles, a dinner and drinks. How your SO feels at this point is not your concern. You enjoy every moment with your family. Out with the old traditions and in with the new. Wishing you and your family a wonderful holiday.
read this that i
read this that i posted:
https://www.steptalk.org/node/242682
my dh has the same poor attitude of gift giving now that the skids are grown and he is no longer going nuts with the gifts.
Yes, I did! We both seem to
Yes, I did! We both seem to be in a similar situation. I've chosen to go ahead and celebrate (including gift giving) with my own family and am hosting them here so I can do a big dinner, etc.
I also thought it was interesting that your DH was so generous with a gift donation to SD's charity. That is also a gift for HIM since he can claim that donation on his taxes! How thoughtful and generous of him ...
Gifts to his wife, are too much trouble of course. (Sarcasm)
How about we take your DH and my SO and ship them off somewhere for the holidays?
If anyone on ST has novel ideas for dealing with spouses/partners who are skinflint cheapskates, I'm all ears!
2Tired4Drama: Every post on
2Tired4Drama: Every post on here hit home. Very good advice here.
SD's Decision: SD announced she didn't want to exchange gifts any longer with adults, just a token gift under the tree. It sounded good to me, due to the fact that for years DH and I put a great deal of effort into gift giving for every occasion, especially Christmas. Skids and Sgrandkids always thanked DH and never acknowledged my hand made quilts, etc. anyway.
MY Reason: At this point, I had discovered DH had betrayed me to SD. SD had increasingly become rude to me and hardly spoke to me anyway. DH and SD were having their fun and I was the target and had been for about 10 years. Well, you have read the rest of my story here before. My SD56 thought I would not like her decision and it back fired on her.
My Decision: I turned all the gift buying and shopping over to my DH. DH is not a shopper, plus he is a cheap shopper. So, for the past 5 years, there are online food orders (popcorn cans) that he does to his grown kids. There are small gift cards to 3 grown grandkids, and small deposits made to the ggrandkid's accounts. He takes care of it all; it has made SD so mad that she gives us a yard sale small basket every Christmas (Of course it is my fault). I don't care, but I noticed DH doesn't think much of her gifts.
Final Gift Giving: I have always made something nice for my Niece and family and Nephew and family, as one family gift. My gift giving has not changed. I get DH something he wants and he gives a nice gift to me. I am happy with the arrangement that SD56 came up with. DH seems to be happy with it too. }:)
I love the holidays and am having open house this year for family and friends. The invitations are all open as well. DH's family and my family are all welcome. No gifts, just fun food and drinks. I love old fashion Christmas celebrations and I've decided this is the route for families at our house.
Merry Christmas
(((hugs)))