happy holidays and the spirit of giving
after more than 20 years of marriage dh is finally saying cheerfully that his days of buying expensive gifts for every one are over and that the true meaning of christmas - giving to others - should be observed.
usually a stingy man like his father (who never gave anything of value to his mother in more than 50 years of marriage including mile stone wedding anniversaries), dh is only in the "spirit of giving" since the company where his perfect daughter works is taking donations of a rescue mission soup kitchen. then he went over board in his donation and was caught up in the spirit of "giving." he does not normally get this crazy with giving away money to charities of any kind.
now the children are grown and married he announced that he is no longer interested in luxury gifts. for me that is. he said from now on we should give nice donations to charities at christmas time as we really dont need to gift each other any more.
oh i get it. from the time the skids were small children until they were almost 30 he went nuts with expensive vacations, watches, spending money, cel phones, computers and designer hand bags and clothing for the skids while i got only cheapies from dh. his excuse was "why do you put a price tag on everything? its the thought that counts." in other words his daughters got one thousand dllr handbags and ski vacations while my gifts did not cost nearly half that much. now all the skids have left the nest and its only his wife who is around so he is thinking he does not need to buy gifts any more at all.
charity donations is his way of being cheap with his own wife.
happy holidays (hell-idays) everyone!
I'm sorry to hear this Sugar-
I'm sorry to hear this Sugar- a long time ago I learned to buy myself presents- at least I knew I would always get something I liked!
DH is the same with me- I have no idea what I am going to get, if anything, but I hope he will be happy with the gifts I've bought him. I am taking the moral high ground this year but I'm not sure if it will mean anything to him at all.
For me Christmas is about spending time with my loved ones and not about the gifts.
My DH and I (both retired)
My DH and I (both retired) don't need much these days. I have more jewelry than I will ever wear. What we want we pretty much just get when we need it.
What I've done the past couple of years is to buy myself something, wrap it up and the surprise for DH on Christmas is "what he got me". This year it's a Vera Bradley purse with my college logo on it. He tried to get me to buy it at DisneyWorld earlier this year. I wasn't sure which one I wanted - so I ordered it later.
DH laughs that I buy him stuff all fall and say "that's an early Christmas present".
Dh has gotten me some great things in the past. One time he went to about 5 stores and picked out things that I'd expressed an interest in like special teas, candy, perfume, etc. and had it all wrapped up in a a basket. I was amazed at how much he'd paid attention to things that I said I'd liked.
But I am not a big "gift" person. Valentine's Day, Anniversaries, and birthdays are just not a big deal to me. I love that DH treats me like a queen just about every day. He buys me flowers just about every time he goes to the grocery store. He doesn't need to give me overpriced roses on Valentine's Day.
notasm, thats just it. your
notasm, thats just it. your dh treat you like a queen so you dont need the gifts.
dh is not into flowers and only buys them on "occasions" like anniversary or valentine day.
that being said dh needs to show me through gifts to show i am important to him, and he falls on his face doing even that.
as they say "put your money where your mouth is."
So Sugar do you buy him gifts
So Sugar do you buy him gifts ? Don’t he’s transparent, you’re not worth keeping happy, Kiss my holiday ass
lol! the point again is not
lol! the point again is not the gifts or the cost of them.
its just that for 20 years he went bat crazy for this children and then spent pennies on me with the excuse "its not about the money but the thought."
odd coincidence that all of the skids gifts were expensive and mine werent.
Yes it’s very unfair and
Yes it’s very unfair and you’ve been mistreated, I now understand the point
i agree that christmas is not
i agree that christmas is not about being crazy with gifts. the point is that he went crazy for years with expensive (guiilty) gifts for the skids while spending very little on me. now they are grown he is cutting back to no gifts at all.
i also give myself nice things. whenever dh does something to really anger me (even things not involving the skids) i treat myself with something nice. i also dont play second fiddle to any one.
Did you speak to him when
Did you speak to him when this was going on at the time ?
yes i did and he gave me the
yes i did and he gave me the b&ll shirt answer that "its the thought that counts." pure bs.
he was lying then and he’s
he was lying then and he’s lying now, the spirit of giving is faulty in him
One of the first red flags I
One of the first red flags I had from DH was when we discussed Christmas- I explained how money was often tight when I was married and that I used to make a budget and stick to it. My kids were never spoiled at Christmas and they had to learn (as I did) that Santa doesn't always get you what you want. When I said to DH that he was probably the same he said, 'No- they tell me what they want and I give it to them.' That told me a lot about the kind of indulgent parent he was. I have never bought for my skids, as they get expensive stuff from DH, and tatty gifts from BM. They really do get far too much.
I know that DH has spent a lot of money again this Christmas, but I don't have to see them open them knowing they often don't get played with and will be up for sale in a few months.
For me, my own grandchildren will provide the love and joy this Christmas. They are coming to stay for 3 days and I can't wait.
That sucks. He needs a 20
That sucks. He needs a 20 pound bag of coal for Christmas. Big ol' poopie head.
DH and I have always been in
DH and I have always been in agreement that we spend more on eachother than the kids, even before we had our baby this year when it was just his daughter living with us. We always bought her some great gifts of course but we set aside much more for our shopping for one another because we're the ones who work hard throughout the year to earn that money.
Christmas is about the kids, of course, but personally I think it's important to raise kids that are happy with what they get - meaning a few toys should be enough and if my SD ever complained about that, I'd remind her that when she gets older and works hard, she can buy whatever she wants. Kids don't need hundreds or thousands of dollars spent on them to be happy.
I totally get where you're coming from and "it's the thought that counts" is bull considering he's spending way more on them than you. If it's the thought that counts, why is his children's gifts expensive instead of thoughtful? Sorry your DH doesn't get it.
SugarSpice: I get what you
SugarSpice: I get what you are saying. My DH was playing this same game to begin with, when SD56 made the decision, no more gifts for adults at Christmas, just a token gift under the tree. I ignored it all (5 years ago) and turned their gift giving decisions over to the two of them. I made it clear, DH and I would give to each other as we had always done.
My DH is not a gift giver on special occasions, and really has never been. He always wanted gifts for his grown kids and grandkids, but didn't want to bother buying, wrapping, etc. I helped him for years.
I just posted on 2Tired4Drama's similar post here. The gift giving in our case turned into a competition issue with grown SD56 and BM. DH shut it down 30+ years ago, because these two women were in competition on the price tags and we didn't want to spend, spend, and spend more. We were too busy paying our own bills and recovering from our divorces.
Of course it was my fault, in SD's mind, that DH no longer spent, like when he was married to BM. We all know BM was the spender, because my DH is frugal, putting it mildly.
I like the arrangement that SD56 set up, now she doesn't like it, but DH says we are sticking to it. My DH gives me anything I need or want. I am spoiled in that area. Therefore, the fact that he doesn't buy on occasion doesn't bother me; he comes up with something nice, with no reason at all.
Grown SD and grown SGD (mother/daughter) were using this gift giving as a controlling tool; but now that is not working for them.
We are doing an "no gift giving" open house for family and friends, in our new home, this year. Open invitation, back to the ole' fashion Christmas with neighbors, which I intend to continue from now on.
(((hugs)))
Happy New Year 2018
thank you sammi as you always
thank you sammi as you always have a way of giving a truthful answer.
the truth is that dh is very stingy like his father. his father is a cheap man who never gave anything to his wife. the only jewellery she had when she died was the wedding band from when she married 50 years earlier. he was very generous to himself however with sporting goods and luxury trips by himself with his male buddies.
i do spoil my self as dh is too stingy. i am really wondering what i am getting for christmas but i am sure to buy myself something nice.