SD holiday drama
I really need to vent. Each year when it gets close to the holidays, I initially have hope that this year will be better than the last. Then my adult SD does something to start up a new drama.
This year she texted my husband to ask him for a suggestion of what I might like for Christmas. He responded to her that since I have a sewing hobby, a Joann Fabrics gift card might be nice. (My SD has been giving us gift cards for years, and this would be one I could really enjoy.) My SD responded to him that she is getting away from giving gift cards since she considers them to be 'impersonal'. He didn't have any other gift suggestions, not having spoken to me, but we did discuss limiting our spending earlier, so he responded to SD that since money is always tough this time of year (he is on disability and I still work full time and am getting closer to retirement) could we set a $25 price limit on gifts between adults this year. She responded by saying it is too late for that (the $ limit on gifts) and she has decided to just make a donation to a dog rescue this year in both mine and my husband's names.
So he showed the text conversation to me, and i felt upset; my blood pressure went up and I had an immediate headache. I told him to text her to ask which charity she would like us to make a donation to in her name, and he refused, pretending what she suggested was ok. Later, he admitted that he knows she has 'issues', but the donation idea wasn't meant in a mean way. I responded that I had never discussed donating to a dog rescue or anything about dog rescues with her before, so that made her gift idea even less personal.
He did text her later, telling her he thought a donation is a very impersonal gift, to which she replied, "there are two schools of thought on this; lesson learned."
And that is where they left it. i have decided I've had enough. She will come to our house, and I will not open that envelop in her presence. After 17 years of marriage, she still treats me badly, and I would rather disengage. SS has already disengaged all year long, but conveniently makes contact around his birthday and Christmas to receive his gifts.
I love your "Friends don't
I love your "Friends don't let friends marry men with daughters" saying!
She just doesn't want to give me anything. I've tried to make excuses for her, but I'm done now.
My SD25 doesn't give me or
My SD25 doesn't give me or her own father anything, ever. Not even a card when she knows we are coming over specifically to give her and her kids Christmas gifts.
I'm done with the whole thing this year (and so is my DH).
Omg. I get it. Last two years
Omg. I get it. Last two years there have been gifts from SD to everyone but me. I was not included in h's gift (an ornament with a saying about always being in his heart which seemed both egocentric and girlfriend-ish). I let him deal with it and am not dealing with her at all.
How do you not deal with her
How do you not deal with her at all? That's what I need to do with my SD, for my own sanity.
I am still figuring it out.
I am still figuring it out. We had a weird thing happen on Thanksgiving and since then I hAve told my h he is on his own from now on, as for the presents, when I got her gifts and was excluded in receiving I just told him he could deal with her gifts.
I am still trying to deal
I am still trying to deal with the disengagement part.
I got my first Mother's Day
I got my first Mother's Day card from my SD when I was pregnant with my son. Been with her dad 10 years at that point! I was really upset and angry that she took that privilege from my baby and then we all got Xmas gifts from her last year. I think because she wanted to
Buy for her brother and dad she didn't want to leave me out. Then when dad gave her £20 to get her mums gift she kicked offf because all our gifts came to more then that. We said it doesn't matter how much you spend!
Sounds to me like asking your
Sounds to me like asking your DH what you would want as a gift was nothing more than a show to make herself look good.
If her interest in giving you something YOU wanted was genuine, she would have happily taken your DH's suggestion for a Joann Fabric card. She could have purchased a small sewing item as a "gift" (something to open) and then added the gift card.
I think she probably already had plans to give the donation to the animal shelter. Maybe it is HER favorite charity or she is trying to make points with the organization?
In any case, a gift's purpose is supposed to please the receiver, with them in mind ...not the giver.
This is how I'm viewing it,
This is how I'm viewing it, too. Why even bother to ask my husband, if her intention was not to follow through? To make herself look good to her dad!
I know what you mean about
I know what you mean about all that immature attention getting behavior and special 'daddy and me' photo mementos. My SD made those exclusionary 'family' photo based gifts for my DH for years. We have a cupboard in the basement where he stores it all.
She used to actively try to break us up, and we went for marriage counseling. He stopped confiding in her, and she could no longer get between us as she did before. And he's respecting my privacy with regard to her. She used to think it was ok to go in another room with him to talk about me and pick me apart. I felt so betrayed by DH, I was ready to leave. It is taking years to heal from it. If I could have had several years without her sh.. I would be much happier.
Now I ask him questions like, were you ever like that with your mom and dad? Did your parents do this or that? Did your parents allow you to do this or that? He grew up like I did; parents respected each other and acted as a team. Kids didn't try to break them up. This step family dysfunction is HORRIBLE!
If I am going to give to
If I am going to give to charity instead of give gifts to adults, I make it clear to my adult family members (or whoever) that they should do that too, instead of buying for me. I doubt they do it, but that is on them.
I give to charities all year long but not buying Christmas gifts for adults (who need nothing, anyway) frees up more of my money to give more to charity at this time of year.
I don't see what is personal about giving money to charity in your name if she doesn't even know if that's important to you or not. The gift card would have been more personal, since it would have been for something you enjoy. I would rather get (or give) a gift card than a gift that will sit in a closet.
Personally, I would not get your SD a damn thing.
She has been intentionally
She has been intentionally snubbing me for years. She used to mail Christmas cards to our house, addressed just to her dad, until he told her to stop. She usually buys her dad nice gifts and usually gives me a gift card. When his kids were younger, my husband used to give them each a pile of presents, but now they are in their 30's and can buy what they want for themselves. We have been living on reduced income for years due to his needing to be on disability...we want to cut back on adult gifts and spend a little more on our granddaughter, SD's daughter.
My mother died this past summer, and my husband asked SD to come after Christmas, so we could help my elderly father through his first Christmas without my mom. He doesn't know my husband's kids well, he's 92 and can't handle too much going on. SD may be angry about it, but she has a SO and a baby, they live in a different state, and they will spend Christmas with her SO's mother before they drive here midweek right after Christmas.
My husband and I have always had purebred dogs from show breeders as pets, it's something we enjoy (we're not snobby about it), and I was involved in showing dogs a little for a few years. SD co-owns a dog from a rescue with a friend; they used to be roommates. SD has never been involved in dog rescue and neither have I, so I don't know where she got the idea....I think her idea is to give me a non-gift, really.
It sucks to be in this same holiday predicament year after year. I have to stop expecting anything pleasant from skids, you're right.
You are exactly right about
You are exactly right about the non-gift.
My SD texts most photos to
My SD texts most photos to DH, but every now and then she will include me. For months and months I never saw a photo of the baby granddaughter. Sadly, I haven't really had a chance to bond with SD's daughter, and don't feel like I am a real grandmother. If I comment on a photo, it is ignored.
DH told her not to send holiday cards just addressed to him. He said if it wasn't addressed to both of us he would pitch it.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. My husband seems to try to use the 'gaslighting' technique on me to try to convince me that she doesn't intend to be mean. I know she tried to win points from her father for appearing to care what I'd like, but then she quickly decided on a non-gift.
Without fail, she starts a war between us every year. I'm truly sick of it, and I'm going to be out doing therapeutic window shopping while she's visiting.
It might have been better if
It might have been better if he'd handled it that way...Except I'm glad for the 'heads up' about her. I prefer to know where I stand with people, and I wouldn't appreciate my husband keeping me in the dark, creating a false reality. SD is in her 30's, not a child.
Good for you for not falling
Good for you for not falling for the gaslighting. They try to justify their bad behavior, pretend not to hear the slights, all that garbage because they don't want to deal with it head-on. His opportunity to push back on the fake donation has come and gone. I would not participate in any gift exchanges with the family again. And he has to be strong enough to say that. Use the fixed income thing. You will feel less resentful when you don't feel taken advantage of. She will always find a way to get around truly making you happy. She will never get you want you want. No cheese at the end of that tunnel for her. She wants to continue to make you miserable for marrying her dad. My best day was after a decade of realizing that it starts with me. I can't change someone else's behavior. Just how I respond to it. So (and this is a biggie), I stopped expecting. No more fruitless hoping that things will get better. They won't. No more wishing for that perfect holiday. Because it just isn't happening and it will never will. When you reduce your expectations to zero, it's really freeing. Maybe make a New Year's resolution to work on wanting things to be different than what they are. That's where alot of the stress comes from, I've found. Good luck!
Lesson learned, you now know
Lesson learned, you now know what to get her on her birthday and next Christmas.
A donation to the same dog rescue place in her name!
I think it's a great thing!
I think it's a great thing! The animals benefit and SD can't say anything bad about her gift.