Your SD sounds selfish and toxic. That is so sad and I'm sure terrible for your DH. You are fortunate that you and your DH do have a solid partnership.

But you can't control her. She will either decide to have a relationship with her father, or not. I hope your DH doesn't chase her, but will otherwise keep the door open in case she grows up and does want a relationship with him.

But I doubt YOU will ever have a relationship with her. You can treat her as you would a stranger on the street -- polite if your paths cross but otherwise nothing.

My own SD begged her father not to marry me. SHE would take care of him in his old age. DH was mid-50s at the time, active, good health, didn't need a caretaker and still doesn't. SD has come to see that her father is happy. She and I have a cordial relationship, occasionally even friendly, and that makes it a lot easier.

I'd like to see the reaction of a daughter like that when asked:

"Who do you think you are, demanding a married man leave his wife for you? His mistress? Do you have feelings for your father? Seems like you want to be the one he shares his life with... kinda gross..."

Does your SD normally hang out in a mental ward as a patient?

It strikes me as typical that she would want Daddeeee when he has money. What happens when she has the SUV or Daddeee has no more money? She going to turf him out?? Send him back to you?

Thankfully you and your husband saw through this mental patient masquerading as a daughter. I would cut off contact with both the aunt and the nutcase daughter.What ever relationship your husband wants to have with them is fine, but they would be dead to me.

This ---- SPOUSES/MARRIAGES MUST COME FIRST!! We share our lives with our children yes, but they shouldn't own our lives, dictate our lives, or demand we give up our lives for them. ---- is a really super way to phrase this sentiment! I'm totally going to borrow it tomorrow night when I talk with my SO. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm thankful you have a supportive and loving husband. I hope for his sake, his daughter's heart softens up a bit with time and they can restore their relationship.

"doesn't your spouse come before me, because he should" This is what I wish my DH had said to my SD. As with so many DHs, my DH didn't have the courage to do so and our marriage has never been the same. You are very fortunate in that your DH places his marriage as his top priority. Good for him and you. As other posters have suggested. Treat her as you would a stranger on the street. You do not owe the loss of your dignity to anyone - no matter the situation or family relationship. This goes for your DH too. Looks like you DH is handling this situation perfectly. Go on and enjoy your beautiful marriage. Let DH deal with SD if he chooses to.

For an adult to act like she is acting, that is beyond disturbing. I’m glad your husband is setting boundaries.

What a bunch of creeps.
This is a good example of why you should have a professionally drafted, completely explicit living trust set up (if you don't already).
While I hope you both live long and happy lives together, you can bet your last dollar based upon the behavior you have just experienced, these cretins will come knocking at the door for "their fair share" in the event one of you passes away. Living trusts are even better than wills if set up properly, because they hold assets in perpetuity for distribution to only those you designate as beneficiaries and can't be diverted to their spouses if the language is right.

Wow. So let me get this straight....Your DH has been divorced for over 20 years and his 2 adult kids only contact him when the want something. Suddenly he comes into some cash and now they now want to dictate how he lives his life. Wow, again. If I was your DH I would set them straight immediately. This is way beyond normal or acceptable behavior. They need to be told in no uncertain terms, that he runs his life, not them. And, by the way, quit calling him for money.

MSD made the same demand to DH. Basically as long as he was married to me, then she wasn't going to speak to him and keep his grandchild from him.

Bye MSD!

My favorite saying is "Not my circus, not my monkeys".

Does it suck that SD is out for you? Sure.
Should it take any space in your head? No.

You and your husband have a solid marriage and relationship. He also sees the fault in his own kids. Don't put a magnifying glass on the situation. Just let it roll of your back. This will do two things: 1.) She will continue to villainize herself, all by herself and you, who has done nothing wrong, will continue to live in peace all the while not giving any credence to her craziness. more often than not big reactions to this type of thing lead to problems in a previously problem free situation.

Wow...well maybe one day one of her own children will do the same to her.

The important thing is that you are united in this. But you are disappointed because the dream of being a blended family does not look like it's going to happen.

I get it; my OSD has behaved the same way. She was already middle-aged when she did this, and she was an adult when her parents were divorced. But she identified herself as a daddy's girl when I first met her, marking her territory. She views her father as her possession, and me being there is a problem for her. Too bad. She is also married with beautiful children, but needs to be #1 in daddy's life also. We have dealt with these issues and usually have a good marriage. The fact that her father is happy means nothing to her.

Google histrionic personality disorder and see if that resonates.

My OSD has punished him ever since. It's also common for mom's kids to be much more accepting of stepdad than dad's kids are of stepmom.

As far as what should you do? Continue to have a relationship with the children of yours who are respectful. Ignore then ones who aren't. And thank your DH for having your back...it's a rarity in this site otherwise so many of us would not be here.

oh can i relate.

bm kicked each of her children out in turn as soon as they turned 18. it was clear she only wanted the cs money. she spend it all on the married man she cheated with and eventually married. bm was a home wrecker. the skids were all preschool when their mother decided to leave their father.

where did they all come to stay? with dh and me. of course dh was all too happy to accept them and cater to every whim because he did not have custody of them and had major guilty dad syndrome. no parenting no discipline and they walked all over him. of course they thought they could also use me as their doormat.

finally one of the adult sds (college age) raged at me for trying to impose house rules. for instance she never locked door or windows when she left the house. too busy thinking of boys she was hooking up with. takes after her mother.

in a "meeting" with her father over all the unfairness, sd looks at her father and says he is supposed to love his daughters more than he loves his wife. in what universe? then she demanded her father divorce me. it did not help the other skids agreed with her and they all wanted their father to divorce me.

that did not happen. dh actually found some of his balls and used a small amount of discipline. they laughed at him and made a fool of him. too little and too late. they did not respect him.

one sd even had the nerve to threaten me with violence until a strategic insult put her in her place. people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.

OP is certainly blessed to have a husband who stands up and gives his marriage the priority it deserves. He is a real husband and father, yes, odd to hear about on this site.

"I'm guessing she wishes him to give up whatever joy and happiness he has with me and our life together, to serve her and be at her beck and call. She has a family of her own, and when my husband said "doesn't your spouse come before me, because he should", she estranged herself, said ugly things to him and said she has nothing to say to him ever again. They haven't spoken since."

Hahahaha! You're guessing wrong. SD doesn't want Daddy at her beck and call, she wants his money. Being she can't flat out demand he hand the wad over, she wants Daddy close so she can get bits a little at a time and to supervise what remains and how it's spent. After-all, this is HER future inheritance (in her greedy little mind).

If he ditches you, lives by her and she meddles so no other woman will marry him after your removal, she has a better chance of getting more more more. Daddy inheritance is not considered marriage funds/property in a divorce.

My advice? Thank your husband for not being one of 'those' fathers who actually are afraid of their adult children and for risking his daughters estrangement to protect his marriage and woman he loves. Some men are very intimidated by their adult children and thoughts of grandchildren being withheld.

So SD's not talking to Daddy? Meh, stay out of it and go about your daily life guilt free. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it and it's not personal... it's all about money. And as to your SIL? Watch your back. Aunt is out to protect your Dh's inheritance and any of his own assets for the next generation aka to protect them from you possibly getting your husband's money and not his children.

I can relate to many aspects of your situation.

My husband and I are also a very tight unit. He was a noncustodial father who never established much of an emotional bond with either of his daughters; consequently they see him only as an ATM. DH was brought up in a dynamic where girls were spoilt and enabled while he as the eldest and only boy was held to far stricter standards. The result is he is extremely passive and conflict avoidant with his (mostly female) family of origin. His daughters are adults who continue to see men primarily as cash cows, devoid of feelings; the eldest in particular is a narcissist with strange ideas about what is due to her from her father. Sadly common stuff with CODs.

I tried for years to assimilate into this dysfunctional family before I finally disengaged from the SDs. This led to meddling and manipulation from DH's sisters. They essentially went to war against me, and even tried to drive a wedge in my marriage. DH was angry with me when he wasn't burying his head in the sand. A lot of pressure was put on me to conform to their crazy and go back to accepting mistreatment, but I stood firm.

The result? I am disengaged from all of them. DH is responsible for his own relationships. With me out of the equation, he got the full effect of his daughters' nastiness and his sisters' machinations - and didn't like it one bit. These past years since I stepped back have been the most peaceful of our three decades together.

You didn't break these people, remember this. We just married into dysfunction, and our DHs are paying the price for mistakes they made in the past. It's great that your DH has clarity, has put up boundaries, and puts your marriage first. The sadness? You're mourning what could have been if dysfunction hadn't been present looong before you came along. You're bound to feel raw for a while, but focus on yourself and your marriage. You deserve to be happy.

You have nothing to complain about ....

Imagine your husband jumping when his daughter demanded, now that would be normal in my life, give your husband a big hug and say : You know I love you and you are the best husband ever.

Then forget about this entitled brat called SD, do not even think about her, she's a money grabbing cow, she wants Daddy to leave you cause she wants all his money, too bloody lazy to work for herself and in your shoes I would ghost the SIL as well, she has no right discussing money with her brothers children, she seems like a shit stirrer.

Between the 6 children, only one is a brat, count your lucky stars

You can't make this sh*t up! Welcome to StepHell }:)

Boy this sounds a lot like my life....my OSD once giving DH the same ultimatum, and my SIL (her Aunt) fully encouraging her hatred of me

My DH was similar to yours in that he set his daughter straight, made it clear that he was not going to leave me "for her" or at all

Your SD will get the message...she may even make attempts to accept it.

But be prepared that she will forever look at you as the "home wrecker" who took away her relationship with her Dad

My OSD now puts on a show of accepting our relationship but is absolutely brutal....goes through cycles of hate/acceptance....right on schedule right now actually we're back to the hate cycle - so I've got about four years of dealing with her at her worst - and then she'll start acting like she's okay with everything

I guess what I'm trying to say is your SD losing this most recent 'war' with you may not be as bad as you fear, but never be lulled into thinking it's okay, because it will always linger in the background, and rear it's ugly head when you least expect it!

When my husband I were first married we said the kids come first. Looking back that was the dumbest statement we made. I have learned over the years, just like in the initial family the parents bond came first with each other and then with the children. Why would it be any different from a blended family? Putting the marital relationship first, then the kids second is the best way to go.

As parents we already love our children unconditionally, most step parents try to bond with their skids. Sometimes it works and other times it does not. But at the end of the day, the kids are with you for 18 -24 years tops before they make their own way. The spouse is usually there much, much longer. Of course that does not mean neglect your children, but I have learned to ask for an understanding with the kids and skids.