So ungrateful and lazy
I really need to get this off my chest.
I just took my 15yo SD to LA with me a few weeks ago to go see a concert. This was a huge deal to me because it is my favorite band and they were having a memorial concert for their late lead singer. SD is also a fan so she came with. The trip was amazing, mostly because I let a lot of things go and didn't really 'parent' while we were there.
Anyway, we're on the plane headed back home and the topic of chores came up. I had a few drinks on the flight because I was seated next to a man that smelled like he hadn't showered this year. SD starts to talk about how much she hates vacuuming. I told her she is responsible for vacuuming because that's what she agreed to when she wanted to get a dog (which is my dog now because she got bored and didn't want to take care of her). I said something about how she only has a few chores (vacuuming once a week, litter box 3 times a week, and wiping down the table once a week) and that we really aren't asking for much.
That's when she said, "It's not like you do anything around the house." And god as my witness, had we not been surrounded by other people, I'm pretty sure I would have slapped her. That disrespectful little shit seriously just said that to me. I just made this entire trip happe. I paid for everything. I had to talk her dad into letting us go. I also had to cover her housework the week before because she was sick. She seriously had the nerve to say that to me.
Had a not been buzzed, I would have probably been pretty quick to anger. Instead I said something like this isn't about me and what I do, it's about you and how you need to be responsible. I was able to put it aside for the rest of the flight. This was a few weeks ago and it's still festering inside me. I'm not about to explain myself to a teenager. In her defense, she does not see me doing housework. My husband does a lot of the little daily stuff like laundry and taking the garbage out. I am usually the one who does bigger projects like mowing, power washing, vacuuming, deap cleaning the bathrooms, and other more time consuming chores. On top of that I work full time. But still, she is a freaking kid and I would have NEVER said that to my step mom and I hated my step mom.
Ugh! I'm just so annoyed. I already have a little mental speech prepared if she ever says something like that to me again. I wish I would have handled it more harshly before, and for some reason it's on my mind all the time. I've never felt so disrespected in my life.
End rant.
fine it's not like you are
fine it's not like you are doing anything around the house so why should she do anything.....
well why not stop doing anything at all, that includes paying for her stuff, taking her on outings, yes go full on strike, you don't even cook anymore... it's small little things she thinks just happens, hell I even stopped paying the utilities .... and we had no water and electricity for 3 days, did not bother me, I showered at my own place... SO showered at work and never thought about his daughter lol.....
You talk to DH about this, and say, SD is old enough to understand where money comes from and she does not understand why she needs to do chores if we are not doing anything, thus I suggest that we both go on strike, I'm not cooking tonight and neither will you, cooking is my chore and if SD complains there's no meal, smile and say to SD... but SM is only showing you what she does, things you take for granted, and now she's on strike, it's not my duty to cook, guess you will have to eat bread... ramin noodles..... Turn this into a joke sort of thing with DH, get him on bord... seems like he supports you in handing SD chores.... thus make this a learning school and the fact that you can not take anything for granted...
Every time SD complains about something, her bathroom being dirty, smile and say.. oh and guess who cleaned it before, yes I did, you might not have seen me, but seeing your thought I did nothing around the house and that I have no responsibilities... I'm showing you now ...Every one in this house has a couple of chores and responsibilities, we might not like doing it, but for the house to function as a machine we have to do it, like allot of things in life
It's such a relief reading
It's such a relief reading some of these posts, makes me realize that other teenagers have the same bad attitude and don't seem to be bothered about airing their views!
At 15 your SD is old enough to understand that she's expected to help with chores, if she doesn't like it it's tough. Don't do anything for her!! Thanks to the advice here it's what I've done, it's come as quite a revelation to SD14 that I'm not on the planet to run about after her or pay for treats. This has been way more powerful than words - her attitude has improved, although it makes no difference to our relationship now, best of all SO has realized that stepping back wasn't just while I was annoyed after she was playing manipulation games, now I've stopped doing things they're both seeing how much I was doing in the first place.
Good thing for holding your
Good thing for holding your tongue, especially after a good concert, after a few drinks, and on a plane full of people with cell phones. But you can stop now!
You should tell her the truth now because if you don't, that attitude will only get worse. Be gentle and matter of fact: "I wanted to talk to you about what you said because it's still on my mind..." I would tell her *constructively* why she is wrong to say such a thing: you all contribute to the household because you all live in the household. "We all hate doing chores, but that's why we call them 'chores' and not 'parties' or 'languishing on the sofa drinking vodka tonics and not giving a damn.' As you get older, you'll have more and more chores, like your dad and I have. That's part of growing up."
You're right - you don't have to justify what you do that she doesn't see. But you do have to call her out for what she said because that shit will only get worse if you let it go!!! I would mention to her that it was especially hurtful because of all the trouble you'd gone to for the concert - and I would list the steps it took to make that happen. And I'd close with, "How do you think I felt when you said that I don't work after I went to so much trouble to take you with me to the concert?"
In fairness to her, it's hard for kids that age to know what goes into making daily life happen for them. I remember asking my dad why he didn't feel angry that he had to work all day when mom didn't. Thank god I brought that up to him and not my mother!!! My dad set me straight telling me how hard she worked to raise three kids, work part-time, and keep a house, an invalid mother and the dog we all said we wanted but didn't take care of!
Good luck - I really hope you can have a heart-to-heart that makes her think a little.
Just Wanted to point out,
Just Wanted to point out, it's not just the skids, I learned the HARD way from My mom,( won't go in to those awful details) And my own DD made the same inquiry to me (however in a gentler way).
I think all teenagers have trouble picturing how much any parent does around the house or at work, I am DEFINATLY not condoning that behavior. If I had thought about it when mine were younge , I would have been pointing little things out to them all along, during school breaks and summer vacation before they ever questioned it.