Q. Stepson: I am married with two small children, and I am also stepmother to my husband's 14-year-old from his first marriage. My stepson "Jeremiah" is a good kid, has been accepting of me, and appears to love his younger siblings. However, lately he has been moody, sullen, and generally just a teenager. However, things have recently taken a turn for the worse. He refuses to clean up his room, and since it was smelly, I decided to clean it after he returned to his mother's last week. I found piles of clothes I had forgotten he even had, rotten food, and he has apparently been too tired or lazy to go to the bathroom, as I found two “refilled” soda bottles. I haven't spoken to his father, my husband, yet, as I don't want to seem to be a wicked stepmother. His ex hates me and I doubt she would take kindly to me suggesting that her son has a problem. I am really concerned about his influence in this state around my young kids. Please tell me what I should do next.

A: You’re not a wicked stepmother for refusing to let your home become a Superfund site. But it's odd that you would write to me before alerting your husband to your concerns. You have some plain facts to convey to him, which you have to do so in a caring but not melodramatic way. Describe the scene, show him the soda bottles/chamber pots, and say you're worried that Jeremiah is experiencing something more than the normal teenage angst. Do not go nuclear and say you don’t want him influencing your own children. Let's say Jeremiah was your child, not your husband's. You surely wouldn't be musing about getting him out of the house. His father should then take action and find out what’s going on, including whether his son is drinking or taking drugs. When Jeremiah comes over next you can tell him his room has sunk below acceptable teenage standards and that you've got to set up some rules for picking up clothes and keeping food out of the bedroom. But probably you don’t want to tell him it’s time he started vacuuming.