Respecting my husband's parenting "style"
Hi folks.
I just found this website, and I've never 'posted' anything before. I'm hoping to get some very hands-on feedback, about how to respond to my situation with my husband and step-daughter.
I have given a LOT of thought over the past 12 years (my entire married life) about how to be a step-mom. I have been a full time step mother (meaning, her father has full custody, mother is only an intermittent/disruptive presence) since she was 7, and she's 19 now. I always felt that I could be a good person in her life, and I unfortunately harbored some serious 'rescue fantasies' about how I could heal their troubled past, and provide a loving, thoughtful, steady influence as a sane professional woman who could put her needs first (unlike her mother) and put my husband's needs first (unlike his ex).
OK, now you can predict what I'm going to say next, right?
As many step-mothers have said in other posts, I have come to see my step-daughter as manipulative, disrespectful, and self-centered, and I see my husband's responses to her personality and actual transgressions (e.g., alcohol, going behind our backs on various things, as well as her self-centeredness and mouthy/sassy/entitled attitude) as "weak" parenting. He feels so deeply guilty about her early life (traumatic, disastrous, painful) that he continues to indulge her, he fears her, and he gives in to her on a regular basis. He agrees that he does this, but then gets angry and claims it's just a "different" parenting style. He accuses me of being too harsh and rigid, feeling that I would treat my own children differently. (BTW, I have 2 children with him, and they are well-behaved, well-liked, respectful kids - they get consequences for bad behavior, but rarely exhibit any - sounds biased, but their teachers & coaches comment on this all the time).
I am wise enough to understand that my Step-daughter is motivated by very complex and unresolved early childhood issues. Nonetheless, my marriage is suffering.
I feel that her behavior prevails in the house, since my husband is more "laid back" and doesn't really care if she does nothing to help or pull her weight a little around the house, or doesn't clean up after herself,etc. I have gone from being the enforcer, to asking him to be the enforcer and set/follow-through with limits, to shutting up altogether and feeling deeply resentful of both of them, and losing respect (and attraction, and...) for him. My husband feels in the middle of trying to "please" two women.
I don't know where to stand, how to be, how much to do for her (thus far, I'd done everything from buying her tampons, to back-to-school shopping, to being her confidante when she chose to confide in me, to getting her birth control pills, etc.). People say "don't do anything for her until she shows respect". Easier said than done. Then I look like the cold, withdrawn wicked step-mother.
HELP!!!
Thanks for your thoughts,
LKSM
Stuck in despair and disrespect
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your reply. What is a DH?
Ok, thanks. I know there is
Ok, thanks. I know there is no easy answer. The hardest part is the effect the whole thing has on my feelings toward my husband. It's a real downer. Appreciate your support and comments.
LKSM
I am also a newby on this
I am also a newby on this site and had the same situation where the step daughter(s) lived full time with us. All the problems you posted were the same. DH would be the wonderful daddy to them and to my children he would act as if they were the scum of the earth. He would leave the room and not engage when my children were around. They are all grown - in their twenties and now my husband can see what he did back then. I had to just endure - God only knows how i got threw it. But the resentment did cause me to loose my affection toward him for a very long time. Hang in there - I'm here to say that they someday they all move out of the house and you will become like newly weds again. Forgiveness happens. And the bad memories fade.
"He feels so deeply guilty
"He feels so deeply guilty about her early life (traumatic, disastrous, painful) that he continues to indulge her, he fears her, and he gives in to her on a regular basis. He agrees that he does this, but then gets angry and claims it's just a "different" parenting style."
This is my DH exactly. He is so scared that the skids will "leave" him for BM (they are 19 and 17) that there are no guidelines, rules etc in our house unless I make them. You have to seriously pull back and disengage as best you can. I still care for SS17 (SD is out of the house) but I'm not as involved as I used to be. Got tired of being the "bad guy" while DH catered to the skids every need. Every single discussion about the skids was DH saying his parenting style was just "different" than mine. He can't see the forest through the trees. Therefore, his kids, his problem.
Perfect reply, thanks so
Perfect reply, thanks so much!
When I bring things up to discuss with him, he just gets quiet, and "lets me" talk. Then he has nothing to add to the discussion. I know that if I care enough about the boundary I need to set, then I'll have to do it or learn to not care.
Lately, SD has been texting my 20 hour/week sitter (who takes care of my 2 younger daughters), trying to find out when I'm out of the house, and saying nasty things about how awful I am. The sitter is afraid to ask her to stop, because she says "I don't want her wrath" when they are both in the house. I tried to talk with DH about this, and her fear of SD's "wrath," and sitter's request that WE put a stop to it, and he just says "all right... anything else happen today, anything big?" He can't handle it. It's enraging!
LKSM
Wow..I think I'd take the
Wow..I think I'd take the babysitter's phone, sit the SD down alongside your hubby and read her nasty ass comments. Then tell her to explain each and every one of them..detail by detail. Say it with a smile as you read those nasty things she's saying about you. Then ask "What do you mean by that?" with the smile in tact.
Kind of how I'd do it, but maybe some wouldn't...just sounds like a bunch of childish bullshit to me. This is an adult woman and your hubby needs to see that. While he can't change her - he CAN change the way he reacts to her. Once Princess sees her daddy won't put up with her nastiness maybe she'll learn.
I'm in your shoes to a "T"...main reason I can be such a smartass. }:)
I also have a 19 yo SD who feels she's done nothing wrong and her unresolved childhood/parents divorcing issues are way out of control. She needs therapy in a major way and was told once if she went to the hospital one more time with one of her fake complaints she would be put in the mental ward. They were also tired of her idiocy.
She said on Facebook that she lost her dad because of some 'girl'. Didn't mention my name but was in a conversation on how her mother is with a jealous man and she feels she has to beg to have time for her mother..she's lost her father and doesn't want to lose her mother. The man her mother is with is having problems because he's caught the crackwhore cheating on him numerous times. He's an idiot and really doesn't see his GF is a whore.
But that's beside the point...
Anyway...I know how you feel. All too well.