Wow. It is good to hear that their are others out there with a similar situation.

I have no biological children (though I very much want to have one). I live with 2 SD full time (their BM has a multitude of issues). One of them makes it known to me what her ideas of a family are. There is a part inside of me that wants to tell her that I didnt do anything wrong, I waited to find the man I loved before considering having a child and I happened to find a wonderful man who already has two children and it could happen to her one day that the man of her dreams may be divorced and have children, but it is a fleeting feeling. I feel badly that they have to go thru so much with their BM who will never put them first or even love them unconditionally. I do everything for them that their BM will not, somtimes I feel like the person hired to take care of everyone because the kids and I dont have emotional bonds. Most of what I say to them goes in one ear and out of the other.

The family cat has become my baby. I talk about her like she is my child with my partner. I play with her and picture playing with my future child.

Well,here's my story. I've been married to my husband for 2 years, we've been together 5. Well from the beginning I knew he had an "illegitmate" child. The mother never wanted him to have anything to do with the child and she was married to someone else and wanted that man as the father. My husband, who was only 21 at the time, agreed. Well now, 9 years later, the mother is divorcing her husband and calls my husband up out of the blue for ANOTHER paternity test because i assume she wants child support. My husband and I have no problem with this. He also told her he wants to have something to do with the child. Well here's my problem. We've been trying to get pregnant for nearly 4 years with no luck. I know I just sound jealous, but it hurts me so bad to know that he has a child with someone else. I want him to know his son, but I also want a child of my own. He says this will be my child to, but I told him that's not how it works. I highly doubt this 9 year old boy will want anything to do with me, or him for that matter. I can tell that he is really excited about this. When he was only 21 he thought that doing what the mother wanted was the right thing, but he now knows it's not and he wants to try to do things right from now on. I'm very very very hurt on the other hand. I knew this day would probably happen, but I didn't realize it would hurt so much. The past 2 years I've had a lot of health problems (i have cystic fibrosis). I already feel like a burden on him, and I know this sounds selfish, but I'm thinking about leaving. I don't want to come in between him and his son. He's gonna have a child to worry about now without having a sick wife to deal with. I guess I'm just rambling.

It's tough being a stepmom without biological children. We thought 3 of his' was enough. Had there been our own production might affect the existing ones negativelly. Now, here are the stages I have experimented so far:
1) You are not their mother. Don't try to be. (And I didn't!)
2) Give the best of yourself to them. You will get from them as much as you put in. (So I did!)
3)Have ownership of what is yours. They are your children too, after all, you are their father's wife: you are a role model whether you want to be one or not. (So I called them "my girls").
4)"Well, your children are not really yours. When you have a child of your own it is a completelly different story. There is an unexplainable bond." (OK. They are not really mine, and when push comes to shove, I am at best their stepmom. Otherwise I am their dad's wife.)

In short: I am at a loss. I can't relate to anyone. If I socialize with friends I hear comments like " Oh, change the subject. Enough of Child Talk. Mary has arrived ( I am Marry)." Otherwise I dont have friends. There simply isn't room for stepmothers without children in society. There are no church programs for child free stepmothers (that does sound contradictory, doesn't it?). I have not spotted a corner where I feel normal.I feel very very lonely. What keeps me going is the adoration that I have for my husband, the determination to follow through with my commitments (also, the kids are fun), and the faith that God has a purpose for everyone, and that if he allowed me to be where I am, that is because He has a plan for me. Because I am His, I move forward confident that I will find out what my purpose is at some point in the future. In the mean time, I move forward because only crabs walk backwards (and I am not one!). Is there another stepmom out there feeling something similar?

I am 40 and have met the love of my life with two kids. He wants no more. I really do love him and feel at my age, the chances are very slim of conceiving. I love the skids but, feel resentment sometimes. Also, everyone in his family has kids and it's all a bout the kids...I feel like I am useless since I didn't procreate. No one understands I was waiting for right person/situation and I wasn't as lucky as 99% of the world to find true love before childbearing years are nil. It's a lonely feeling.

I was previously married to a DM with a boy and a girl. I have chosen not to have children of my own. His children where robots to their BM to the point where they were incapable of bonding with me. Nor would she allow it. Of course, that cause great disruption in our home and lead to my second divorce. He did not support my parental decisions nor did he agree with my parenting style.

I am now with a wonderful man who grew up with similar style: Kids are kids, they DO NOT make decisions that affect the home or family....it is not their place. The egg donor (BM) does NOT control what goes on in our house and my soon-to-be husband makes THAT very clear. He has a "set", tells HER how it's going to be...sure she pushes back but he is very strong. His kids....are absolutely wonderful...they have strong personalities and basically don't listen to her B.S.. They are loving and I am relaxed and fair with them. The oldest, I believe is much more bonded to me than her own mother simply because the younger one is doted on by the egg donor (my affectionate term for her). It's very pathetic. Do I feel resentment, ya. BUT communication is the key....between you and your spouse and you and your step children. I do NOT change my schedule for them. I am not a live-in or free nanny. I've made that very clear. I work from home and in the summer, they are allowed to stay ONLY if they find stuff to do. I do not pick them up or drop them at school, it's simply not my job. I DID NOT choose to have children because I don't want the responsibility....much like many of you. Stand up for yourself. Make it clear, while you do love the children and you knew the situation when you got into it....it definitely does not mean, you change your whole life to become super mom to someone who made the decision to have children. It was THEIR decision to have children, not yours.

I am here for all of them. I will step in if needed, I go to all the functions because it is important to the kids....but I'm not going to be all to everyone. If I wanted that level of responsibility, I'd have had my own. Joe knows that, respects it, respects my home rules (keep your room clean or there are no riding lessons or no TV or whatever). It is what it is. I don't feel I need to live in a "pit" just because children are there. They thrive on responsibility. Give it to them. Also, be the ALPHA....OR they will take that from you. They need direction and structure...not guilt ridden freedom to do what they want. Do non-split families go to Disney every weekend...no...they paint and do projects around the house, etc. on the weekends. Its important to provide that knowledge to them. Especially if their BM (egg donar) is not providing that. Life isn't games and toys and fun all the time. We work for what we want. We completely stress that to the girls. And, they are MORE than happy to help me around the house because they get $$ for it immediately. They know MY "specs" as I call them and they are structured accordingly. Sounds strong and hard but guess what....they LOVE being at our place more than hers because we also afford them more freedoms because of the chores they do to help the "family" survive.

Most importantly, however, there needs to be a joined front between you and your spouse ...they will feel it, feed off of it if you are separated in your ideas, etc. and boom another divorce. Don't let that happen to you!!! I've been there. I made mistakes. I've learned. I'm not perfect, but I'm learning to not make the same mistakes.....that is why I choose not to be super-stepmom...because I hated it. The kids will pick up on genuine love...not fake. Just like they pick up on resentment. Examine why you feel resentment, and fix it. Are you resentful that you have to leave work early to pick them up from school....tell your DH....make a change. But get rid of the resentment. It'll kill you all.

As far as my personal life goes, when they are there...I do believe it important for them to spend time with their father without me around. AND, it is important for me to continue my girl friend time. You don't need to be inseparable from them. I plan my girl friend activities when they ARE there....not when they are away. Their away time is my relationship bonding time with my fiance. THAT will not change.

I am very very lucky THIS time. I have a wonderful, and understanding fiance and I have two beautiful little girls who ALREADY call me their stepmom. They confide in me. They call me their best friend. I didn't force that, I earned it. I am open and honest with them. If they ask why we don't do this that or the other thing any more, I say "well, I was told you didn't like doing that." They will ask by whom and I'm honest, I'm not going to lie for HER. She lies to us. Believe NONE of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see. The kids will "get it" sooner or later. The eldest who is 9 ALREADY gets it.

Just my thoughts....still lots to learn, still resentment at times, still dread when I'm working and I know its our night with them. But persevere (sp?) and you'll come out like a shining star. Don't give the egg donor any reason to criticize you....give her nothing. Don't talk to her or interact with her. She is not YOUR X...she is his. Let him deal with her. THAT in and of itself will alleviate alot of resentment.

I have 2 skids and no children of my own. My DH has two kids by different mothers. The oldest son 16, lives with us and I love him most days like my own. The constant disrespect is a real problem. His BM is a total nut case but he still thinks she is coming to rescue him, even after 11yrs. That is easy compared to the SD, who lives with her BM, and comes to spread her misery on holidays and in the summer. The rest of the time the BM is suing and causing as much trouble as she can. I have been married only three years but we have been together six. On the day we got married my SD told me i could not marry her father that he still belonged to her mother, she was 6. Two years ago my DH and i were going through infertility treatments and the BM put a restraining order on my DH and was suing to take away joint custody. She said that DH already had a child and didn't need to upset her by having another. She thought he would never have anymore because she made him have a vasectomy after SD's birth. He reversed and was excited about having a child with me. Since she was causing so much trouble, we had to stop in-vitro and pursue a custody case three states away. We had to move and stay with family because of all the attorney and traveling fees. After that disappointment I could not imagine going through that pain again. So I live with the resentment of this crazy woman and her screwed up kid taking that opportunity away from me. I was so devastated i became angry and didn't understand why God would allow this. This week she has applied for welfare and said we haven't paid child support or insured the SD. Now the state is suing us and we have to again fight another battle, that she has started with lies. She just likes to keep things stirred up, so everyone is as miserable as her. I have so much resentment for this child, I can't stand to look at her. Then I feel guilty because I know this is not what God would want me to do. It is always a battle, when we can see her, how much child support and she doesn't like her father and she definitely hates me. I have tried to do what is right but I am sinking and feel like if I have to look at her for 7 weeks this summer I will go mad! She should just stay where she is at and stop making our family miserable.

I've been married to my husband for almost a year now. He has one daughter who was 6 when we met, and is now going to be 10 this year. She is a nice girl now, but for the first couple of years it was very difficult; she came from a difficult situation and was acting out. I accepted this and we've worked through it, however i have never loved the child, despite being told I should be telling her that. After we married all of a sudden she started calling me mom, which i hate. I am not her mother. Her mother hasn't been in the picture but has resurface recently, and there is reason to hope that she will want to have contact with her. My husband has always had to travel a bit for work, but now he is traveling basically every week. He is gone for 3 nights, 4 days at the minimum most weeks and sometimes works weekends. I am happy to help him with his daughter, but somewhere along the way I have become the primary caregiver, expected to do everything for her from daycare to signing trip sheets to doctor's appointments. Everything. Unless she can do it herself, I have to do it. Even when he is home, I am still expected to pick her up because he has worked so hard throughout the week. I commute 1 hour each way to work, in addition to dropping her off, picking her up and working myself. When i get home i make suppers and try to get her to walk the dogs, which she will often do, so that i may have a few minutes to myself. Last night, i fessed up to all my feelings with my husband of resentment and anger at having to raise someone elses child. I have never wanted children, and I have recently found myself only tolerating her presence; especially as being called mom makes me physically nauseated. I love my husband and do not want to live without him, and i do not mind helping out at all. I am the main point of contact for this girl, and i'm not even related by blood and we've only been together for 4 years. She was already developed in habits by the time I came along. I feel that this is unfair, but i feel guilty that i feel this way. There are a variety of jobs in our hometown that don't require traveling, and I have asked that he switch jobs. I am feeling extremely in the wrong, as he does work hard to provide for us. However, the work is so erratic, and i spend so much time alone that i've been debating divorce, as i realize my best years are going to be spent not with the man that i love, but raising his child so he can build a career; away from us. He constantly complains he hates being away as well, yet makes me feel terrible for asking him to change. He said he will, and i'm glad of that. Am i right in wanting him to help me raise his own child? I do not hate her, and in the past year i've spent a lot of time analyzing and pinpointing my problems. If i weren't around he wouldn't be able to have this job without a live in nanny, or someone to look after her. I love my husband so much, but do not want to fill the role of mother. Please, your comments are welcome.

I was so glad to find this site:)
I am engaged to a man I love, but his daughter (8) is spoiled, manipulative, and lacks manners. (Like her BMom, who still plays the perpetual victim)
It is the toughest thing to establish reasonable house rules when the Bmoms house has zero.

Does anyone else feel like the Bmom still influences the relationships and household activities ?

I met my fiance when his son was only 15 days. The hardest part of our relationship is dealing with my ss's mom, they never got married and their relationship last for 5 months, she is older than him (about ten years). My relationship with my ss is ok, he is 5 years old now and goes to pre-k. When he was 3 years old he had some speech problems and he was Hiper, there was a lot of problems with my fiance back then, because he was in denial. My ss goes to special school (for speech therapy) and I want to know what can I do to start a good relationship with his mother. I've noticed that she doesn't like his son around me at all. I am getting married this year and this is something I want to do for the kid sake.