Step child with autism
I am a 27 year old woman that is about to become the step mother to two wonderful kids. The eldest is a 12 year old boy with high functioning autism, and the youngest is a beautiful little girl of 1 1/2. They both have different mothers. I have been with the father for 15 months and we are getting married next summer. I have fallen in love with both of his children, and over time have begun to experience the ups and downs of being the SO and soon to be step mom
I get along great with both kids, and having both a mother and a sister that work with developmental disabilities has been extremely beneficial in understanding some of the things that come along with a child with autism.
My problem is that I myself suffer from a neurological condition known as misophonia, or selective sound sensitivity syndrome. Basically, the wiring in my brain is off and I have a painful reaction to many "triggering" sounds and sounds that are too loud. The whole "nails on a chalkboard" thing people talk about applies to many every down sounds most people are blessed to be able to filter out and ignore. I cannot.
Now bring in a 12 year old boy with autism that vocalizes his every thought and that has very loud swimming sounds, and you have a recipe for much discomfort, frustration, and sadness.
I have been to an audiologist for my condition (which has only been recognized as a medical condition within the last ten years) and there is nothing that can be done. There is no "cure," only therapy. I am more than willing to participate in therapy for this, but only so much can be achieved.
My loving SO knows all about my misophonia and is very sensitive to it, which is wonderful considering not very many people would be. I think having a son with autism that includes some sensory issues makes him a little more in tune with what I am trying to live with. But how on earth do I navigate the waters of having a step child that is very loud VERY often and cannot simply be told "stop that?"
I do not feel it is my place to tell this boy to please be still or quiet, which is for one out of his control, and for two, not something I feel comfortable doing considering I am not his biological mother. But if I don't find a happy medium somehow, I fear for our future as a family with me in it. He cannot control his sounds anymore than I can control my sensitivity to them.
Any advice would be much appreciated, or if ANYONE out there in the internet world happens to be dealing with a similar situation, I would LOVE to discuss what it has been like for you and what you have done. To simply not feel completely alone would be a huge help.
Thanks
Stimming, NOT swimming...
Stimming, NOT swimming... stupid auto correct...
Unless you want to live with
Unless you want to live with headphones or earplugs this situation is not going to work well for you. You do sound like a nice person but it just is not a good mix for comfort. Some kids with autism when they hit adolescence also have more symptoms that present themselves. You are smart in realizing his stimming is not likely to be easily controlled. I assume he is getting treatments and therapy also to be the best he can be.
My SD also has high
My SD also has high functioning autism - aka Aspergers. She also has sensory issues. If your SS is 12 and seeing an OT and having various other therapies, he should be well on the road to being able to control some of his behaviour.
There's lots of ways around this - the two of you can work out a "code word" for example, when he's being too loud so he can then tone it down a bit. You'll both need to compromise - at times you may need to wear ear plugs or headphones, at other times he will.
This can be a bonding experience if you let it, it doesn't need to be the end of your relationship.
My ss15 is autistic. He will
My ss15 is autistic. He will use a high-pitched toddler-like voice and whine (cuz thanks bm). But at our house and at school we tell him "6th grade voice, ss," "7th grade voice, ss" and so on as he progresses through school. This works quite well.
Once in awhile I have to tell him, "I can't understand you when you talk like that so when you're ready to use your 8th grade voice I can help you." This will typically get him to speak normally right away as well as calm him down.
However, I don't know that I've had to say that in a very long time. As he has gotten older, he has calmed down wonderfully. We see this with all his spectrum friends, too. We've watched them from age 10 to now and just yesterday, at a birthday party, we were saying how they've all matured. Stims under vastly more control, great voice modulation, answering in complete sentences, responding at a higher rate, and being cooperative and even initiating proper interactions. These kids ranged from 12-17 at yesterday's party. It was awesome.
Once in awhile my ss has had a terrible tantrum or, you know, meltdown. I have told him he can go in his room and cry and when he's done crying we can talk. This usually involves something he wants so the calming down doesn't take long. He will come out a few minutes later, apologize, and then we can get him what he wants or he can do the thing he doesn't want (chores or homework).
My relationship with him has been very rewarding. I encourage you to find ways to work with the boy's abilities. Each kid is different. But the point is you may be able to find ways that work for both you and him.
I also have misophonia and
I also have misophonia and both of my stepkids are autistic and CONSTANTLY make repetitive annoying sounds. The youngest squeals like a hamster that sucked on helium. The older one always has to be making some irritating sound and enjoys making other people uncomfortable so he will continue to do it even when asked to stop. Actually they both continue to do it. I have to yell at them about 100 times a day to stop making that sound and they just keep doing it. It causes me to go into rages. I get so anxiety ridden that I snap and have to leave the house and refuse to come back home until they are gone.
I can SO relate to this. I
I can SO relate to this. I too have misophonia and I almost yank out every strand of hair on my head when my SD makes annoying sounds 24/7. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!
I have a stepson that's 5
I have a stepson that's 5 with supposedly high functioning autism. I'm honestly not sure he's high functioning. Tayside just what I've been told. His mom honestly doesn't tell my husband much about where he's at EXACTLY on the spectrum. Also, he exhibits behaviors that make me think he may also have adhd. But I don't know how to address that with his father.
And he's very loud. He hates loud noises, but yet doesn't realize howhat loud he is. I have a 5 month old daughter and he is constantly disrupting her sleep. He is here just for the summer but his presence disrupts mine and my baby's lives and his dad says "just deal." I'm a out to lose it. Help...