NEED ADVICE!
I have been married for only a year but dated my husband for 3 years before the big day. He has two children currently ss7 and sd9. Together we have a 3 year old son. The children's mother is EXTREMELY difficult to deal with and believes yelling resolves everything. To top it off, my stepson was diagnosed with a mild form of autism/Aspberger's this last year w/ ADHD. He seems to be the opposite of what most autistic children are. He's overly touchy, kisses EVERYONE, is very loud and embarrassing (as bad as this sounds). I have learned some about autism, but again, he seems to be opposite of the "normal" diagnosed child. This has taken a HUGE toll on my marriage. I admit I have pulled myself away and avoid public places where people will assume they're my children. I do feel horrible for this, but this is where I need the advice. I try to discipline the kids, and they do listen, but they have horrible disgusting habits from their mother that I just simply would rather walk away and avoid hurting my husband's feelings by saying something I may regret later. Additionally, I suffer from a thyroid disorder and am all out of control w/ my emotions. I am to the point where I've been saying exactly what's on my mind about my step kids and this has caused a problem too. so my question is this: Is it better to lie about liking my husband's children, or tell him how I really feel whether he's hurt or not?
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I feel about the same way
I feel about the same way what im going through. my husband went through a nasty divorce with 2 kids they both have alot of bad habits im not liking. my daughter has adhd. they all think she is annoying my whole family fights all the time we dont get along his kids are lazy messy rude disrespectful they dont listen to me they hate being punished cause of their real mom she let them do whatever they want. there rude to me my daughter their father. they talk crap about my family sometimes. their always at our door. when i want to spend time with my husband. i keep my distance. his kids want him all the time. half the time he think its ok their kids the rest of the time he gets mad at them i feel like they are always up his ass all the time im scared to say anything to my husband cause we fight and i end up saying sorry to him for saying something. we went to counseling it helped for a little bit now its getting worse. i could write a book about all this.
Firstly, when is lying ever
Firstly, when is lying ever really beneficial to anyone? There's a way to say not-so-pleasant things, even under emotional duress. How does DH feel about the kids acting up in public? I'm sure he's quietly livid. Men look like they don't see or hear it - my DH pretends like nothing's wrong when my teen SDs are screaming at each other like their banshee mother in public, but I know he's quietly wishing he could disappear. During a quiet moment with DH, try saying something like, "you know, I was thinking when SD and SS do [undesirable action], wouldn't it be better they do [desired action] instead?" then see how he reacts. It's less threatening than saying "Your kids are out of control". If you really can't speak to DH no matter how gentle the appraoch, that's an entirely different matter, and the problem isn't so much the kids...
Sorry to hear about your thyroid disorder, it's prevalent in my family, too, so I know the emotional roller-coaster it causes. Hope you have a good treatment for it.
My brother is autistic, and people have become more understanding if you explain it to them when SS gets overly affectionate. Your skids are still young enough to be taught differently, however if you feel that it's not yoir job (and to an extent, you're right, it's DH's), then disengage by saying things to DH like, "SS is doing [undesirable behaviour], how would you handle it?" then invite him to do so.
Easier said than done, but I hope any of this helped...
Good luck
thank you both for the
thank you both for the replies! sadly, when I do speak to my DH I will start off w/ something like "I'm not trying to be a bi*%h or attack you, but your kids...." But in the end what I was trying to avoid turns into an argument. I hate confrontations but I also hate being looked at as if they're my kids that I can't control. It reflects all of us and that's what drives me nuts!
As far as me feeling it's not my job, well, that's a whole new argument too. I have told him it's not my job to an extent to deal and he simply throws at me, "Isn't that why we're married, to help each other?" Geez, of course but I'm not a glorified babysitter either. My parents are divorced and I had and still have a hard time w/ it. I'm 27 by the way. And to see the kids act out in a way I would have NEVER thought to as a child really drives me insane. My parents don't even want us over some of the time since my younger siblings don't get along w/ the skids. It's a vicious cycle. Counseling was working for a while, then we both graduated from our colleges and weren't eligible for free services any longer.
Thank you for your advice!