Exhaused of the snarky and snide remarks for SD
Sorry to say, but I am just completed tired and utter exhausted of the snarky, snide and rude comments. How do you handle the remarks and comments... I feel my blood boil and have to get up and walk away.
Last night I received a text message from a colleague who needed my help in assembling and issuing certificates first thing this morning and my phone was down to 6% charge. Unknowing how long and detailed of a conversation this was going to be, I stated to my DH that I was going to have to move from the couch, where we were sitting over to the chair where my SD was sitting, as there was a phone charger over there. My DH stated to my SD to come sit over on the couch so I could sit in the chair. My SD then stated... oh you want to sit in this chair and use MY CHARGER? I said, no... I have my own charger upstairs, and upstairs I went and never returned by downstairs until after she went to bed.
In reality I just wanted to say, get out of my damn chair, take your stupid charger up with you that is plugged into my wall using my electric and oh, you are using my insurance for those damn braces on your ugly a*s teeth...
I wasn't rude.... I just got
I wasn't rude.... I just got up and walked away. I wanted to be as rude to her as she is to me, but sometimes you have to be the bigger person when you can not control your feelings once you open your mouth.
Was her charger plugged in to
Was her charger plugged in to your wall that you pay electricity for? Why not remind her of this fact?
it is useless. I could yell
it is useless. I could yell and scream my head off and tell her all about herself and she would just sit there and stare at me with a blank face like a psychopath.
My husband usually takes yell for a moment then kisses up to the perfect little snowflake.
I figure at this point the less I am involved the better. I will no longer contribute to anything.. I can not wait until November when I am taking her off my insurance. I honestly don't care if we both are paying for family insurance plans. She is not deserving of one cent of the money I earn. He is responsible for not me and god knows her BM isn't contribute to her life.
The next few months are going to be interesting... her attitude sucks and I will get up every time she is rude and walk away and use that as my reason to do nothing for the little witch.
I would have sent her to her
I would have sent her to her room.
My SD13 is very arrogant and condescending, oddly she has been as long as I've known her since 5. I ignore some of the snarky comments, like about how much thicker her hair is than mine and whatnot, because I feel like she is really quite pathetically insecure about her appearance, whilst I am not. I'm really quite attractive, and she can never hope to look as good as me.
But rude, entitled behavior like this incident, I wouldn't have given her the satisfaction of seeing me angry, but also I would not give her the power of sending an adult to her room. Other than "go to your room" there would be no need to say anything else. I know what you mean, I do avoid my SD a lot by staying in my room, but only because her non-stop neediness and pouty, sulky, seething rage face irritate me so much, but she has no proof I am avoiding her. She hates the idea that someone might dislike her or find her irritating, not because she craves attachment at all, but because she is a mini-narcissist.
Her mother is a psychopath, and I don't know if it is genetic or environmental, but most of the time she has the same unemotional staring face you describe. It is really very creepy.
Agreed. I did that for her...
Agreed. I did that for her... there is no need her belongs need to be left downstairs.
She will understand when she finds that on the bed.
Personal junk left in the
Personal junk left in the commons area can be thrown in the trash.
Would normal parents ask to
Would normal parents ask to borrow something they paid for and that I assume SD was not using at the time? I don't know?
I would think "normal parents" might say, "Honey, could you move out of that chair so I can use the charger?" Probably then met by eye rolls, but then it would be done after asking the second or third time. Not sure what would happen if a SM would have asked it that way: "Honey, could you move out of that chair so I can use the charger?" Things are always 20x more complicated for steps, it seems.
Yes, and children often do
Yes, and children often do so.
I am not going to be insuring
I am not going to be insuring her next open enrollment. I need to fully disengage.
Yesterday my DD had a soccer game at 10:30am. My DS went to support her and after we went to my parents. She choose not to come and was irritated when we got back around 4pm. That set the tone for the day.
Earlier in the night, she
Earlier in the night, she said out loud, who names their kid 'Lane', like a lane in the road? My son, responded, who names their kid (her name)? The parent that likes that name, that's who. She proceeded to flip him off. And sat the rest of the night on the chair with her hand perched up on the side of her head with her middle finger flipping us off.
Not in my house. What did
Not in my house. What did your DH do?
To the finger nothing... to
To the finger nothing...
to the comment, he told her to appolgize ... she didn't, she said she was joking.
He doesn't want to be the bad guy...to the rest of us he is a push over and my kids show him respect, but don't respect the way he parents her.
When I went upstairs, I heard
When I went upstairs, I heard him say to apologize and she said, I was only joking... she never apologized and I stayed upstairs.
He has consisted allowed her to talk to him and me like that since day one. Nothing is going to change now, I just don't want to fight anymore with him about her. I am too tired of all the negative tension. I just walk away to keep my blood pressure down and keep what is left of our relationship steady.
4 and a half more years.
Kenciso - it doesn't end at
Kenciso - it doesn't end at 18 - unfortunately that is DH's flesh and blood - and he always takes her side - therefore count on precious snowflake being around looooooonger....
Kenciso - I read your blog to
Kenciso - I read your blog to find out age of this creature who disrespects you, and to see what the background is. SD13 - well, I came into Winona SD17's life at around 14/15, and lets just say that it does not get better. I have seen folks comment that even bio-kids are bad during the teen years, but she seems like shes over the top. Same here. My SD17 has been snotty to her parents and snotty to me and the boyfriend of BM. She has even punched boyfriend. Shes rude, crude, dirty, lazy, mean and no one gives repercussions.
I read that your DD was injured by SD. That's pretty serious. Her continued rudeness, and physical abuse of DD calls for complete disengagement, in my opinion.
I started disengagement a few months ago. I do not do her dishes, I do not include her in outings, I do not say anything to her except for "good morning" "Good evening", "hello/goodbye".
You have exactly zero requirements to do anything for her. She already has TWO parents. Just like I have exactly zero responsibility to my SD17. She graduates soon after her birthday, and then all bets are off.
If you do not disengage completely, I would recommend boxing gloves and punching bag, because yelling is not doing you any good. Find reasons to go on outings with DD, spend your resources where it will do the most good. Bad character only gets worse with age. Example, when I first met SD17, she would yell and scream at her father every morning when he would get her up to take her to school. Whenever I asked her to do something (like wash her own dishes), or asked her not to do something, she would lash out at me. But she eats food I buy, prepare and cook - without thank you.
This has not changed - she still yells at her father and argues constantly about everything possible. She is still dirty and gross. And she will be 18 soon. So - I think that you have a choice here - disengage, or divorce.
Sorry that you are going through this!!!! It sux.
When we first got together I
When we first got together I did my very best to make everything equal for my SD. I have given her far more than she ever had before. If my DD got an American Girl, I got her an American Girl too... I made excuses at first like, give her time to adjust to a family, as she was an only child. But the toothbrushes got thrown away, Jesus was removed from the manger and jewelry boxes were glued shut. CD's were ruined, clothes were taken, money was stolen and life as a whole really sucked for my children and I began to regret every walking in the door. Here we are 5 years later, and while the shenanigans are less frequent the attitude is far worse. I am exhausted mentally from the entire situation
My husband is a nice guy, too nice. Gets walked all over by my SD, BM and his family as a whole. There comes a time everyday where I dread going home from work. I honestly did not sign up for being housekeeper, laundry service, interior designer, cook, taxi cab driver, school clothes buyer, Santa Claus and pin cushion. He doesn't stand up for himself and certainly never stands up for me. I am tired of taking the stand and being the bad guy all time. I am tired of him being hurt and feeling badly for him. I am tire of feeling badly for her... I don't feel bad for her anymore. She is a nasty little kid that uses and manipulates everyone in her path to get what she wants because her mother never does anything for her and yet she feels as if I owe her something because I provided for my own bio-kids.
The worst part is I flip out...it takes a while but when I do, its bad. I have been trying to keep calm and just walk away from the drama to refrain from the issues spreading to me and my husband, BUT as much as I can't stand her, her mother, his family... I am beginning to really dislike him too. I know she will not every truly be gone, but in a long 4.5 years from now, she will be 18 and she will not have to be in my home regularly and I pray she hates me so very badly that she won't come back!
Exactly, I am bottling up all
Exactly, I am bottling up all of my frustrations. I let loose every once in a while, but nothing changes. He apologizes and says he realizes how much I have given up and sacrificed but continues to do the same thing over and over. I didn't realize the complete and utter exhaustion was going to last this long. Somehow I had some fabricated idea that we were all going to be a happy family, that I was going to be happy. Instead I have a husband who is never around, and when he is he is on FB or doing something for the community. I have a little entitled brat of a SD and two Bios that have morphed into teens and forgot about our fun family things because it is just not fun anymore. Instead I ended up miserable.
Have you ever considered
Have you ever considered Living Apart Together? LAT couples remain married, but maintain separate residences. Some members of ST have done this, with mixed results.
How are your children doing in the midst of all this warfare? As a mother you must be concerned about the effect all this negativity is having on your bios.
No, I have not considered
No, I have not considered that... I do no think that would work. At least not for me. What do you do stay together on the no children days? Who gets the house, the furnishings? I think if I was to do all that, divorce would be underway.
My bios are strong, well adjusted, intelligent children, who know right from wrong and are intensely active in sports (Soccer, softball, swimming and TKD. Mind you they are teens BS16 & BD14, so they have their moments but even they see and feel the tension in the house, however they do get a break by spending 50% of their time with their Dad. We have a lot of closed door and quiet conversations, we spend a good amount of time alone together, with out my SD and my husband is rarely home W-SUN...so we have a good amount of time together, but nothing like we used to. I know they felt the suffering of this relationship and I often wonder what will our relationship be once they are out on their own. Will they want to come home to visit and have to spend yet another moment or holiday with my DH and SD? My BD stated she didn't want to have a graduation party, knowing her and my SD both graduate from the same school the same year. She doesn't want to share as they have different friends and doesn't want to mix families together. She stated she would rather have a large sweet 16, and the money for school or senior trip abroad. My BS luckily has the age lifestyle difference to keep them vastly different, however we will see if that remains the same as my SD expressed the interest of taking up swimming at the suggestion of my DH, and my son swims competitively for the HS.
YOU SOUND LIKE ME 4 YEARS
YOU SOUND LIKE ME 4 YEARS AGO..... I fully disengaged thanks to this site....
this was the link they send to me, I never talked to SO about it, I simply started doing it.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I moved out, but I am in the position of having my own house and furniture, thus never worried about money. My son was send to boarding school due to him being a little bratty snot age 15.... BM was not involved in Aergia's life for 2 years, then one day out of the blue BM steps back in and Aergia called me a whore and told me to get out of her house, cause I'm not her mother(age 13) SO did nothing, he's like your DH.... I stopped everything for Aergia, if SO asked me to do something I smiled and say I'm not her mother... if Aergia asked me something, I said I'm not your mother ask her.... after 4 years of being totally disengaged snowflake hides in her room if I'm there, she was a couple off times rude to me and very disrespectful, I simply put a for sale board on the lawn, SO was shocked and I said, well I'm not welcome in my own home, I want out, either you pay my share out (50/50) or we sell... SO asked where would they live..
I smiled and said well you can always move in with me and Aergia to BM.... (SO has full custody, BM signed all parental rights over to him with no CS)
I do not tolerate her shit, she also tried the It was a joke a couple off times in her life, I simply would look at her with my bitch face and say, I'm not your friend why would you try and make jokes with me?
I do not clean after her, SO does and he makes sure the house is clean, if her shit is all over the house, I simply pick it up and trash it, my house and my rules. I do not care what she does, if I want to do something with my bio, I do it, I ignore her like she's not there... SO does nothing with her and she complains about it, I keep telling her - Ask your mother... I stopped buying her anything, not for her birthday not for Christmas, not even easter eggs...
but my own bio gets everything....
SO was angry last year with her birthday cause I bought her nothing, she cried... I simply said... fine SO, wtf did you buy my bio during the past 12 years for his birthday, while we are on the topic when's Deigma's birthday - SO does not know... I kept on going.. what did Aergia get me the past 12 years for my birthday - crickets and the last thing I asked... WTF did BM and SF got Aergia for the past 12 years..(nothing and that I know for a fact)
My motto is treat people like they treat you... if your SD is rude be rude back by simply ignoring her...
It took me 5 years to wake up
It took me 5 years to wake up and smell the bulshit. The gaslighting..passive aggressiveness..is now crystal clear and Im done. Comments like "I was only joking" comes out when they've been caught out on their viciousness. Saying they were joking makes it seem like you're the one being childish. Its NOT a joke when its hurtful.
If it hurts, then they get consequences. Allowing the snowflakes to get away with it only guarantees that they will get worse, not better.
Only you can decide if you really really REALLY wanna live like this.
I must have heard "they were
I must have heard "they were only joking" only about one million times myself.....too bad, the joke was completely on me by ALL OF THEM.
That is how people turn out to be who they are...what is accepted by the parent and what is not...
The only thing that works if you are dealing with a woosie daddeee is to--- stay away people who insult you.
It would not matter who; right? So why do we put ourselves through this abuse? You just have to know when to throw in the towel, and most of us wasted years "trying" to make it work when the whole situation was hopeless to begin with...LOL.
you ignored it? WTF woman, I
you ignored it? WTF woman, I would've snapped
Please don't ignore that kind
Please don't ignore that kind of thing!!!!! She will get worse, not better, and your life will get exponentially worse!!!
Say something clever back, like "but you are the queen of annoying!" or "Do respect me in my home. Go to your room without electronics, because that is not how a child will talk to an adult in this house."
Or something...
Holy crap I would have lost
Holy crap I would have lost it!!!! :jawdrop:
exactly why you should've
exactly why you should've snapped at her for being rude and then turn on STBEx DH for not parenting his little precious snow flake....
you always could've blamed it on being tired and stressed from work and gave a half ass apology later }:)
Then simply tell her - Well I
Then simply tell her - Well I was not joking either you talk to be with respect or you go to your room
What was his reaction? And
What was his reaction?
And are you seriously considering it?
This site has brought so much
This site has brought so much clarity to my life. I thought I was alone living in the hells of the earth with rude comments that only I can hear and only I am bothered by.
This morning I got into the shower and there was no shampoo... I know my DH didn't take a shower last night, he took one this morning after I did... however there was no shampoo for me. So I said to my SD did you shower last night? Her response was yes, I said, did you wash your hair? She said yes. I responded, did you realize that there is no shampoo left in the bottle? She said, yes. DH said, that is my fault, I forgot to put the new shampoo in the shower. I looked at him and said, really? you are standing in front of me with wet hair and taking the blame for something someone did last night? I look at him in disgust and walked away.
Going forward I will no longer be leaving my shampoo in the shower. It will be like old times when I was in college and took my toiletries back and forth from my room to the bathroom. Everyone can suffer, because I am fed up.
Trained monkeys can do simple things!
My SD17 story: this weekend
My SD17 story: this weekend was "our time" and SD17 was on her period. So I was in cleaning mode and God help me if I ever expected precious snowflake to help clean a bathroom we BOTH use. I like the shower part better than the master bath. So I ask daughter dearest to please clean out any trash she has in there and any empty bottles from shower caddy and anything from drawer. Took 3 hours and 4 different requests. And her comment when there were things in the drawer that were not hers and were not mine was "well those aren't mine you should throw them away" a terse response from me, and I look in trash can - full of used unwrapped pads. Ugh. I almost tossed my cookies.
I clean the bathroom AFTER the SDs leave so I can enjoy it. I have told SD17 to keep her stuff in shower caddy and put her used wet rags in laundry bin. Takes more than once, or twice.
You should be more confrontational with SD. I know that I will be very soon when she turns 18 and wants to stay with us full time, because her mother is idiot alcoholic.
I have found that when I
I have found that when I confront her I feel worse. I feel physically worse. I can feel my blood pressure rise in my body, I can hear my heart pounding in my head. I get so very mad that my DH and I scream at each other and it cause so much strain out house my bios get involved in the screaming and the little snowflake SD sits there silently, with absolutely no expression on her face when her Dad is around. It is like she is a psychopath, that has no expression and stares right through you.
What I do not is I get up and walk away from the things I no longer like. It may seem as if I am letting her get away with it, but in reality I am just letting him deal with it. For as long as we have been together I have been the one who has taken care of everything, dealt with the issues and took care of her. I am just exhausted from the strain of this life that it is weighing my well being. I feel exhausted, completely spent from the BS of his overall baggage. Last night I just sat and was on Pinterest for hours because she was sitting with us. I kept myself preoccupied with my phone and said literally nothing all night. With removing myself seemingly from involvement in her life requires him to step up and actually do something for her, and in turn gives me a break or some relief. I actually am excited to be able to go get a dress fro the dance with my BD, alone. I honestly do not want to hear him say are you taking her? She has a mom, grandmothers, a father... I am not taking her to get something like I have done in the past, when all I get is shit on.
The silence in her presence is bringing me satisfaction because she doesn't know what to do. I heard her last night say to him, doesn't she ever shut up (I was in the kitchen with my Dog, who I love more than anything... and I sing little songs to him and she can't stand it) then I came into the family room and never spoke another word, unless he addressed me. I caught her glaring at me a few times and I just looked away.
She sounds awful!!!!! My SD17
She sounds awful!!!!!
My SD17 has lots of snark in her too. Its never ending and like you, confronting her makes my heart pound, I get so furious and po'd. So, a few months ago I disengaged and do not really speak to her. She has gotten used to this and now when she asks questions, its either just to her father, or to "the air" everyone one in general.
Last week, when the skids decided to change their visitation schedule from 3 days to 5 days, I decided this was a great time to increase my workouts and their duration. Since I arrived around dinner time, I wasn't around to cook like I normally am. So no pressure there. I chat and laugh with the munchkin SD10, which is in stark contrast with the horrid Winona SD17 (see my blog, its all real!) and I know she sees the difference in me, but doesn't know what to do. SO sees it too, and misses me since I make a point of being gone more. It is very draining having this kind of toxic interaction. I have decided that I am not tiptoeing around any longer. The precious snowflakes will have to deal with me.
My DH is NOT a physical
My DH is NOT a physical person (as far as punishment) and he would have went upside my SD's head had she ever talked like that to either one of us.
I would have to say he is
I would have to say he is terrified of losing her and doesn't think that I will actually leave because my bios are in the same school district and do not want to leave their friends. The town we live in is his and my ex's town, I have no friends or family locally. My son is in 10th grade, I don't want to uproot him now from his HS experience. Waiting until he graduates only put my daughter in the same situation. So that leads me to believe he thinks I would not do anything drastic.
When it is time to go, I will be sure to let everyone one the reason is his utter lack of balls and spine that allows him and everyone else to be treated with disrespect from his child and family. They won't care, SD probably will organize a parade until she realizes there are no more Xmas presents, the selfish little shit.
In the interim, I am going to continue to bitch and moan on this site to other people that are living in the sister hell I am living in.
Kenciso - this is the problem
Kenciso - this is the problem with today's human... since when does a kid call the shots in what school they want to be, or what neighborhood?
I'm sorry but if you feel it's best to move cross country to get away from your situation, the your kids have no say, they are minors and are not financially contributing to the house hold.
If you decide to move out of the house to a new neighborhood, skids does not have a say...
it's that simply, you are the adult and it's your responsibility to do what's best for YOU and then the kids. They can suck it up
I could but I can't not bring
I could but I can't not bring myself to leave my house... it's my house. I bought and paid for it. There is no mortgage. Everything in it is mine. Why am I leaving? And if I did leave, I would take everything, including her mattress and dresser. I bought it. Me, not DH. Why do my kids have to uprooted? Why am I having to sacrifice again and incur an additional cost caused by him and his snowflake? I am not willing to that.
Then tell them to move out.
Then tell them to move out.
His name is on the house
His name is on the house too... my money paid for it, but it is owned by both of us. I would have to buy him out of something I already paid for. And he would absolutely make me do it. His ex took him for more than half of everything. I just need a few more years, until my kids graduate then I can make a move. The last 5 years have gone relatively fast, what is another 4 years of utter misery?
Four years too many.
Four years too many.
I would say it is time for
I would say it is time for you to get a lawyer. I know in some states, the wife is obligated to pay alimony. And you paid for your house, a lawyer can tell you if you have any grounds to get his name off. Question - what benefit did you gain putting his name on the house that you paid for? Was it a symbolic gesture of solidarity? For his good credit? For inheritance should you die first?
Now you are in a bit of a pickle. See a lawyer and find out what your options are in keeping your house. It sounds like a lot of powerplaying and you are seen as the weak link. Be strong!