BM is mentally torturing my SD, and is an unfit parent
Let me begin by stating my SD is birthday is tomorrow. My issues with my SD I believe are the aftermath of the drama of her day to day life.
Since May, BM has neglected my SD something terribly. BM, quit her part time job a little over a year ago to go back to school, then dropped before Christmas. Since then she hasn't worked. BM's parents have a camp and from May to the end of July, BM has just stayed at the Camp with her 2 dogs in her parents camper for two months. From May to the end of July she made every excuse under the sun to not return home for her custodial time with SD. In fact, she only had her for 28 out of the 92 days from May to July, when my DH and BM have shared custody and due to her little to non existent finances he pays CS to her. BM makes every possible excuse not to take the SD, she has to paint the deck, she has to clean the camper, didn't even spend Mother's day with her. She told her to just stay with us. She recently has returned from camp because her newer boyfriend and DH cousin moved out of her house.
This past weekend my SD was to be on the BM custodial time. SD told us that she was going to camp (she loves it there) and was going to celebrate her birthday with camp friends. BM struck again and decided wasn't going to spend her custodial time with her and didn't go camp. She didn't go to celebrate her daughters birthday with her on her custodial time. She sent my SD, my SD's friend with her grandparents to camp and made the excuse that she couldn't find anyone to watch the dogs. At 3pm, the Grandparents drove back half way and met BM to bring her back home, because SD was due back to us last night at 8pm. Returned home and no gift from BM... not even school clothes that could double as a birthday gift.
At 6pm my DH receives a text from BM and it says "just to let you know she is coming back early cause I can't stand her mouth" and BOOM I turn around and she is standing there, right behind me in the game room. I screamed because she startled me, and she smirked but SD had tears in her eyes welling up. Both DH and I said, what happened... she proceed to tell us that everything was ok in the car, because her friend was there but after they dropped the friend off they went back home. BM was texting and ignoring her and SD's dog was snuggling up to her and there was mail on the couch. The dog sat on the couch where the mail was and SD picked up the mail and BM said that isn't for you, so SD tossed it over to BM. BM called her a brat and said to her why don't you just go to your Dad's early (been with BM for all of 3 hours total) and SD said, ok and went to her room to get her stuff. When she came back down BM said, you are a brat and when you come back we may not go out for your birthday dinner. SD said she responded, ok. And then BM said, well I hope you know when you come back, your dog won't be here. (that dog is her everything) and SD said, well I won't be here then either... and left to walk to our house.
It is constant threats with BM. She doesn't provide much for her, doesn't work to be able to. I truly believe that my DH should file for full custody, but he said only if SD is fully on board with it. He doesn't want take her from her mother and doesn't want SD to blame him down the road for doing it.
Meanwhile this child is depressed and these situations are weighting on her mentally ... she is going to suffer for a long time over this. No child should breakdown all the time ... and my SD does. I worry about her.
be careful - if it really
be careful - if it really bothered SD she would've talked to you and SO demanding to change custody, but she's not....
been there got the t-shirt... you will have your hands full with SD when she's 16+
Not all children will speak
Not all children will speak up because they fear hurting their parents or facing rejection.
SD did express she was upset but that doesn't mean she wants to give up on her mom. Even abused children will fight to stay with their parents because the bond is so strong. They maintain hope that they parent will suddenly be better. Otherwise they have to face hard facts and many will blame themselves. "Mommy doesn't want me, I must be bad." It's hard for a child to understand what's best for them and why adults behave the way they do.
This is exactly what she is
This is exactly what she is going through. She desperately wants her mother's love and attention. She doesn't want to give up on her. It is her Mom.
She is 14. She knows deep down that she is not her mother's number one priority, but she is just a kid and I really feel badly for her this time... especially over the last several months.
She needs her dad to step up
She needs her dad to step up and do what's best for her. I know it's hard and even if she knows it's for the best she will not admit it. She needs to be able to "blame" him for it because it's not good for her to blame herself. She's already probably feeling like she's not enough because why else would mom be ignoring her.
She needs one parent to step up and say "I love you and you matter. I'm going to protect and support you." You DH's actions will do this.
Plus like I said. Just because he gets full custody doesn't mean she doesn't get to see mom. BM could still have every other weekend as stated in a custody agreement or if she still can't do that then he gets complete say. The idea is for her to actually use the time she is given.
Right now daughter knows she's suppose to be with mom x time and mom isn't doing it. If there's less time there's less chances to feel disappointment.
Dad tells her all the time
Dad tells her all the time how much she means to him and how difficult it is for him to watch her be hurt my her mother day in and day out. He has told her many times how he would love to have her with us daily but it is her decision. She is old enough to make the decision and the courts will consider her voice in this matter. So as for right now and until she is comfortable stating, I want to live with Dad full time, this is what is going to be.
Now, I must admit, if the BM does get rid of the dog, that might actually push her over the edge. I swear the dog is the only reason she really goes there.
She just told us that we she went to the house earlier today to grab her jeans, BM took her TV that the grandparents purchased for her out of her room and put it in the BM's bedroom... due to the fact the boyfriend moved out and took the bedroom tv with him. Who does this stuff? Who takes someone else belongings as their own?
oh, my hands have been full
oh, my hands have been full for some time now. There is a fine line drawn between worry about her and ranting about her. But that being said, she has had a terrible few months courtesy of her BM. I am not saying I am perfect, but her BM really has given her the raw end of the stick.
I do my best for her, without trying to step on BM toes. It is difficult, I have children of my own and I try to treat SD the same as I do my Bios. It is challenging, blending is challenging. But having to pick up the broken pieces of you SD heart, whose heart is broken all the time by the BM is like walking a tight rope. One tiny step and you have gone too far.
Do nothing and I am just as negligent as the person doing the hurt.
Your DH could go for full
Your DH could go for full anyways. That doesn't mean that her mother can't see her. He could still allow mom to see her every single day if he wanted but it would provide stability for you SD. It would also mean your DH isn't paying money to BM to support his daughter while he has her anyways. He could then use that money in his own home to provide for his daughter as well as the rest of his family.
Basically full would mean less opportunities for mom to screw up and in turn hurt SD. Right now she has time with SD and isn't using it. That's cruel to SD.
My thoughts exactly. She is
My thoughts exactly. She is terribly cruel to her. Pushes off on her elderly parents all the time. The poor grandparents pay for everything my SD wants or needs down to her tampons at BM house... at least that is what SD says.
All she wants is the BM to pay attention to her, spend time with her, and feel like she loves her.
My DH is taking her shopping today for her birthday and also to get her some new fall school clothes... you know a young girl starting high school wants to look extra special. Well, I said make sure she tries on her jeans so you know what size she is and about how many pants you need to purchase. He calls me and says, She said she didn't have any jean at our house? I said, wait, yes she does, several pairs.
Well, actually she didn't. BM hasn't purchased clothes for her in years. No joke, years. It's either the grandparents or hand me downs for god only knows who... and that is what you get. Well, she had taken some of her clothes from our house down to her moms. DH drove her to BM house just a little bit ago and he made her get her jeans that we bought. BM was still in bed. When she left BM messaged her and said, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? Then called her while SD was in the car with DH and asked, What were you doing here? SD replied getting my clothes. BM said, what don't you have clothes at your Dad's. SD said, no I do, but the jeans that Daddy bought were at your house. .... oh.
Nothing like feeling completely unwelcome... who says to your child that you never see, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING HERE?"
With her being 14 I wouldn't
With her being 14 I wouldn't worry to much about her taking clothes from house to house since she can be responsible. Just make sure she knows your buying x amount of clothing and it's her responsibility to make sure she has what she needs where she is. Don't feel she has to have two pairs just so one can be at moms. You can even plan for her to run by mom's to pick up her clothes after school between changes if she doesn't want to bring them to school. Really that's the only reason the kids do have clothes with us. We don't want them to have to carry a speical bag every other week. We like them getting to be "normal" and not having to sorry about it but at her age and with these circumstances I think she can handle it.
Right now BM is taking money that is meant to support the child and it doesn't seem she is. If grandparents are buying everything and the girl isn't staying at her mom's then BM doesn't need the money. It's given to her for the child. Not herself. If your DH took full he could keep that money to use on daughter be it buying her more clothing or other necessities or paying extra on home bills since he has her home more and that cost more.
For example when the kids here are with SO for more than 2 weeks his child support is half because the cost to support them more in our home goes up and in BM's it goes down. We have to pay more for food, electric, water, and entertainment while BM pays less.
BM's behavior shows she shouldn't be responsible for daughter so much. If she's acting this way now I only see it getting worse and daughter paying for it. She needs safety and security.
I would like to agree however
I would like to agree however even as a 14yo, SD takes clothing we purchase to BM and doesn't return with them. Reason being, she doesn't get new things from BM. He already pays CS, we buy clothes for our house/time... it is not our responsibility to buy everything all the time for every possible location, our house, BM house, Grandparents house and camp. After all she does receive CS, whether or not she chooses to use it for the SD is not something we can control. If BM chooses to send SD to her grandparents house on her custodial time so she can go bowling on her CS dime, it is what it is.
We are not going to run back and forth from BM house to gather dirty clothes from her house, it is wasteful time and effort on our part. Instead DH instilled a rule today that is what you wear from BM is what you wear going back to BM. This doesn't look to friends as if she is wearing the same items twice in one week as her transfer days are Saturday mornings or Sunday evenings. Plus this gives me the opportunity to launder the clothing since BM is not the tidiest. If 14 SD can not manage that and all her clothing ends up at BM to never be worn back and she has nothing to wear to... should I run out and buy new clothes? I think not. Like you said, she is 14 and we think she is old enough to be respectful of what we provide for her. Believe me, she knows who does what for her. She knows if she wants something who to ask for it, us or the grandparents. She just recently told us that she was asked to join the traveling team for softball but declined knowing BM would object to getting her there, she gave her a hard time about taking and picking her up at school for the regular softball season.
I do agree that BM should not need the CS monies if the child is not with her or being supported by her and the money could be put into some kind of fund for her.
This situation has been going on for years, but now SD is seeing it and is truly be affected by it. All is good in the world when you are little and are sent of to grammy's house to stay over night, but when you finally grow old enough to realize that your mother doesn't really care if she spends time with you are not, that begins to weigh on a fragile child. The self worth and esteem gets worn down and this is where we are.
I guess one thing I might
I guess one thing I might want to say is that at the heart of it, a guy can't dictate and "make" his ex spend support on the kid's clothing. So, ultimately, it can turn out that one household ends up buying the clothes to be used at both. Is this fair? no. But who is doing the wrong thing and who is suffering the consequence if dad doesn't pitch in more. If mom won't buy her child clothing the child suffers by having to wear old, torn, worn handmedowns. So the person doing wrong is the BM, but the child suffers. I don't know a lot of men that truly want to punish their child for their mother's transgression... so in the end, this is why a lot of guys end up spending more on extras because their EX isn't carrying the load and spending support on other things.
So, I don't think I would have the heart to not let my stepchild take clothing to their mother's house if I knew the reason was because mom didn't have anything for them.
In fact, we let my DH's girls take things with them. They lived there more than with us, so we would keep a few "spares" on hand, but let them take most things with them to their mom.
She doesn't necessarily go
She doesn't necessarily go without. Her grandparents purchase for her. For example last week the grandmother took her school shopping and she said if grammy didn't take her, she wouldn't have gotten anything down there. I have two kids of my own, if we fund SD's closet at BM's house then we need to fund BD and BS at my ex's house.
The BM just gets away with it. She works the system, her parents, DH and SD with the sob story I can't afford it BS... which is no more than I choose not to work and provide for myself and my child.
Honestly it burns me up but it inside being a Bio Mom my self but whatever... she is laying the ground work for her relationship with her daughter for the rest of their lives.
My issue is not the clothes but the fact that she is just a terrible mother, alienate her child, pushes her away and off on anyone and everyone and now SD is realizing it. It is negatively affecting SD and this is the real issue. It is going to follow her for years to come. It is the one gift her mother will continue to give her for years to come. It will affect multiple relationships and her mental self worth. This is the issue.
I'm glad her grandma can
I'm glad her grandma can pitch in and fill some of the void. I'm not saying I wouldn't be po'ed if our BM didn't provide for the girls (because she didn't and I was..lol) but as long as the girl isn't being made to suffer for it, then I understand fully not being able to bankroll everything.
My point was in a situation where dad was all that the girl had to bridge the gap, I wouldn't resent the child for her mother's stupidity.
Right, it is not SD fault.
Right, it is not SD fault. There was a time she acted and maybe felt like her BM still acts. But I think she has seen through the trees at the actions BM bestows upon her and her grandparents.
I don't resent my SD. I don't necessarily always like the way she acts are treats others but that is a learned behavior. It is all she knows, it is all she has seen, so it is normal to her. But is hardly a normal behavior. I provided for her just as I do my own BIOS. I, not her dad, carry her health, dental, eye and even purchased a WL life insurance policy for her. I do that, because that is what I was doing for my own. We pay for her braces. When she asked to go to the dentist for braces her mother told her no. My kids has braces, which I shared the cost with my ex, but how did we not get them for her? we just got them. BM told us and SD she could not afford her 28% of the monthly payment after insurance of the braces ($23.25 a month). We do what she needs and the extras because it is the right thing to do.
The issue is the BM doesn't and now the SD sees that she is insignificant to her BM ... and it is tearing her apart.
I can't fix that... He Dad can't fix that. Her grandparents can't fix that. She is a 14 year old girl that cries because of her mom.... and that is sad and she is a pathetic mother.
I feel your sorrow. My DH's
I feel your sorrow. My DH's EX wasn't "quite" that bad... but she was a serial disappointer to her children. Way too many promises of shopping sprees and trips that never, ever happened.
Out of all the sad things
Out of all the sad things that have been posted on this thread, the one thing I find the saddest - not to mention meanest and sickest - is BM's threat to get rid of SD's dog. WTF kind of person threatens to give rid of a child's pet, especially if they know how much the pet means to the child? Definitely not a loving, kind parent. That threat, combined the other mental games she plays, really makes me want to slap some sense into BM. If I can't slap some sense into her, I can at least slap her on behalf of SD, and that would give me some small sense of satisfaction.
OP you wrote, "I screamed because she startled me, and she smirked but SD had tears in her eyes welling up." Does that mean BM actually came into your house?
UPDATE*** She went back to
UPDATE***
She went back to BM's today around 12 Noon. At 12:43 DH phoned me at work and told me the SD just called him crying and asked DH to pick her up at BM's after he was done with work.
It is now ten minutes to 2pm and SD is BACK at our house. BM kicked her out and sent her back to us. BM phoned my DH and told her that we can just keep her, she is tired of SD's attitude, and doesn't want CS any longer ... there was more to the conversation but I am not sure what.
I told my DH to contact Domestic Relations and petition for full custody. She has kicked her out twice this week. Neither time was SD with her for an entire day.
SD is home, at our house, unpacking her things. Yesterday was SD's birthday.
Wow, that's horribly sad.
Wow, that's horribly sad.
All you can really do is tell her over and over it's not her fault, she didn't do anything to deserve this, there is nothing she could have done differently to change her mother's behavior, parents are supposed to love and take care of their kids. It will take time, but maybe things will settle down now.
UPDATE**** Bio Mom actually
UPDATE**** Bio Mom actually told her to get the "F" out of her house, shoved her, then packed her clothes in trash bags and dropped them off on our porch.
Then and hour later text messaged her: Good Luck in high school love you
Well it has been a week. Bio
Well it has been a week. Bio Mom requested that she come down to "talk", SD agreed. SD went, they talked. She told her, she wanted her to come back and SD said no. The things she said and did were hurtful but she wanted to work on making their relationship better.
Bio Mom told her she had to go for an physical for a job. According to SD, BM began to sob uncontrollably in the car. When she arrived at the hospital for the job pre-requisite physical, she was still crying and could not complete the paperwork and requested to reschedule the appointment. BM, sat down and in front of SD phoned her friend and told the friend, in front of SD, that she was upset about SD not wanting to come home that she was thinking of killing herself because she didn't want to go back. SD said she could overhear both sides of the conversation and the friend said, didn't you tell her to go live with her dad? BM responded, yes, but that was just words... BM, got off the phone, walked to the ER and told them she was thinking of hurting herself, that her daughter was with her and to call her parents to come and get the daughter. She admitted herself, 201, in front of my SD, the day before her first day of high school.
My SD said to me... she played the victim because I stood up for myself.
My heart breaks for this child. We called the attorney last night.