Your attorneys are not going to do anything and the judge will not rule in favor of contempt. That's a waste of time.

Your BM pulled the same words from our BM's mouth. The issue is that your DH is being wishy washy with his communication with BM. My DH did this and it caused us major issues in court because it showed inconsistency. Your DH picked his weeks, there is no changing it. BM doesn't get to weasel her way to change it. Unfortunately, your DH has fallen down the BM rabbit hole and tried to "cooperate" with her, so it may be too late for this summer. He made the communication muddy and played right into BM's hand. It is a normal PAS tactic to tell skids about something before communicating with DH about it. Our BM did this. We still took the visitation and if SS missed out, too bad, that's life. Kids don't get everything they want. SS has never seemed greatly impacted by what he misses out on. 

Our BM promised SS a Christmas party with friends for the same date and time DH and I were picking SS up to take him on vacation to Disney World. We had confirmed dates and times in April of that year so 8 months before the trip. BM only promised this party because she was mad that we took her to court. She pulled the same wording "SS is so excited about this. Please let him do this. It's in his best interest and your choices are hurting him." Seriously?! A children's Christmas party over Disney World?! Total PAS tactic. We took BM to court over it and the judge ruled SS could attend the party for 1 hour. BM was thrilled because she thought it derailed our trip. Jokes on her, SS forgot about the party the second we hit the road and we had a wonderful time! 

Going forward, you need to demand that the CO sets specific dates for summer. Our BM tried to move visitation around and we had our CO state "DH will exercise summer parenting time in two two week blocks, with the first block starting the first Saturday of SS' summer break at noon and ending at noon 14 days later. DH will exercise his second block starting the fifth Saturday of SS' summer break at noon and ending at noon 14 days later. The official school calendar dictates start dates for summer visitation." The judge in our case added a stipulation that BM can move the dates around to accomodate sports (she has to provide notice at least one week in advance of first scheduled visitation), but that DH has to maintain the two week blocks in their entirety, so they cannot be broken down into single days or weeks here or there. 

Your DH needs to set the standard going forward that the days he picks (or the CO dictates) are firm and he is not flexing for BM. It is not DH's problem if BM booked a vacation or is having family visit during DH's time. That's her problem. You cannot flex with women like this. Our CO clearly spells out every visitation with dates and times and BM does not fight those because they are set. Flexibility is not your friend when dealing with HCBMs. If you flex once, you'll be flexing forever. Been there, done that, learned from it. Once this gets set in stone, DH's default response needs to be: "Per the CO, my visitation occurs x date/time to x date/time. I will be exercising my visitation as the CO states. Going forward, please do not schedule (vacations, family visits, parties, etc.) during my visitation. It is not in the best interest of our coparenting relationship." I think once you establish a pattern of following the CO and refusing BM's requests, you will see her start to calm down because she knows she can't manipulate and get her way. 

"BM, the kids miss things at our house during their time with you.  It's happens.  Parenting time is important.  I will no longer entertain your scheduling things during my parenting time.  Stop putting the kids in the middle by complaining to them.  You are upsetting them."

Then ignore all of it.  She's going to PAS them regardless of what you do.  And no, the courts will never help you.

The response needs to be:

"Our CO/agreement states I have skids every other weekend from x time to x time. You emailed me on x date requesting flexibility on x weekend. I informed you that I could not accomodate your request for as we had already made plans for that weekend. I did not receive a response from you. Now, you are stating that you have already informed skids of plans you have made during my parenting time, when I did not agree to a switch. This is not in the best interest of our coparenting relationship. Since I did not agree to the switch, and you disregarded it, I will be exercising my parenting time as stated in our CO/agreement. I look forward to seeing skids on x date at x time."

Stick to the facts and only use facts that you can back up with email evidence, timestamped texts, etc. 

As far as picking weeks for summer, DH picks his weeks. BM doesn't get to tell DH no to his selection. Who gives a flying F if Skids have activities or if family is visiting, DH gets to pick the weeks. If she fights it, the comment is: "Per our CO/agreement, I am entitled to pick two weeks of summer visitation. I have selected x weeks from x date to date." Let BM freak out. The response is "My visitation dates are not up for discussion." THEN IGNORE and pick up kids on the dates you chose. 

Ultimately, get a CO that has established dates so DH isn't in the position to pick or negotiate with BM.

What can the attorney do if your husband is agreeing to her requests and demands?  He needs to stick to the court order.

Either your DH has a horrible attorney who doesn't understand high conflict exes, or your DH is being vague with his attorney and not expressing there is no working with BM.

In this case he had something already planned when she asked. Please explain to me how the kids spending time with their father is hurting them? 

She'll just have to better organize her family's visits better in the future... so that they fall on HER time. 

So they are going to trial? Or have they not even had mediation yet? I'm not sure how your state works, but here in CA you go through mediation first, if neither party agrees then they go before a judge who will make a ruling. Most times there is never a trial because the judge usually rules based off the recommendation of the mediator.

Judges/mediators really don't care about the mud slinging, all they see is two parties that they need to help come to "reasonable" agreements. Usually that means neither party fully gets what they want. Showing contempt has to be based on blatant disregards of the law. Since your DH's CO currently is BM gets everything then no she's technically not in contempt.

Life is too short for this shite, seriously. I wouldn't have my kids around this stress. 

A TPA is a court order until there is another order. This is not going to go the way you think it is. Take a look at justmakingthebest's posts. Her BM forged a Dept. Health note and got away with it. Still no contempt. I shudder to think how much her SO has spent of attorney fees for nothing. Her SS is completely PAS's. 

Get on YouTube, and search for family court proceedings. There are many videos, looong boring ones with droning attorneys, falsely patient judges, and little accomplished. 

I'm just going to simplify this and stick to your original question because I feel like this blog got out of control: If BM scheduled a visit with her family after you told her you cannot switch weekends and you do not let the skids go, does it look bad to a judge?

The answer is "No." BM asked for a switch, you took BM's request into consideration and you said "No" because you already had plans. This is completely reasonable. Plus, every time DH asked for his vacation weeks, BM had no problem saying "No" due to x, y, and z that benefits her or her PAS tactic. All you need is the email proof to back it up, which it sounds like you have.

The more you cave, the more BM will play the game. Your BM is an alienator; she will spin anything you do, good or bad, to suit her narrative and win her fight. You fight her and the narrative is "he is impossible to coparent with and unreasonable" or you cave to her and "He gave up time with his kids; he doesn't care." You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

Your attorney sounds like a loser. I would really question whether COVID slowed down your trial or if your attorney effed something up. Over a year without any sort of court date seems weird. Your attorney might be milking you for $$ and sees you as an easy target. The more he can delay, the more money he makes for consulting and coaching you. Attorneys are notorious for dragging things out. You need a shark to combat PAS. If you keep giving into BM to "look good for the judge" you will lose your case because it won't show a pattern of conflict. My DH only gained traction in his case when he started sticking to the CO, fighting BM, and demonstrating that he disagreed with her tactics. 

At the end of the day, you can fight BM to make your lives easier or you can keep going around this ferris wheel of hell that you've been spinning on. You may get a fair judge or you may get a BM favoring judge; both of these things are out of your control. All you can do it document, remain consistent, and fight the fair fight. 

You have control over the abuse. It may feel like you don't, but you do. Our BM sent daily 10 page emails outlining the same things. She used the exact same wordings and manipulation that yours uses. Every response we sent was twisted and misconstrued to continue the drama. Even something as simple as "You said SS is getting sick and he is visiting us in a few days. Can I have your insurance card in case he needs medical attention during our visitation?" became a 3 day fight that led to BM accusing DH of medical insurance fraud... we didn't have her insurance card and SS wasn't even in our care at the time of the fight. She had something to say about every choice we made and things we did, even things that didn't relate to SS. We were questioned on our choices of housing, our wedding details, our relationship, our personal finances, our employment, how we used our PTO, DH being laid off due to COVID19, vacations, spending time with friends or family, etc. It got out of control. BM even let herself into our home and proceeded to access our second story. She filed false allegations of sexual misconduct against my BIL (who she and SS had never even met), used this to receive court permission to attend our wedding to "supervise" SS, and then went to court after claiming that BIL sexually assaulted SS AT OUR WEDDING! BM bullied DH for being laid off during COVID (like half of the country was), calling him a loser and unsuccessful. This layoff didn't prevent BM from getting her CS. BM told DH that SS couldn't be around my family because my mom slipped and said "Shit" once in front of SS. Trust me, I have seen it all. I had similar insecurities and experienced the "crazy making" that BM caused in my life, my marriage, and my household. I was fearful to do anything or live my life due to BM's abuse. I used to experience major anxiety attacks when BM would email. 

Strong boundaries made all the difference. Once DH stopped caving and accepting the abuse, it stopped. DH only replied to necessary emails using the BIFF method, keeping it to one or two sentences. He did not reply to every email. All pick ups, which used to occur at our home, now occur at a neutral public location. DH no longer takes phone calls or texts from BM. Anything not sent by email goes ignored as if it were unreceived. Messages about our personal life, criticisms and anything that does not pertain to SS in regards to school, sports, medical, or confirming CO visitation goes ignored. We went from several emails a day from BM to sending one email every two to three weeks; all emails are now mostly civil and only pertain to factual information such as date, times, locations, etc. Sure we get the occasional dig or snide comment, but it is so minor in comparison to what we experienced before. We made that change happen by implementing strong boundaries. 

It sounds like you need a better attorney. You can stop the abuse, you just have to learn to get over your insecurities about being "bad" or "wrong" because you aren't either of these things. You also can't concern yourself with how this will all look to a judge because you can't base your daily life on a court case. You'll either win or you won't, but how you responded to one email or how you made one choice won't make or break that, especially if those choices don't involve skids. Live your life how you want to live it and to hell with BM.