Am I wrong?
Hello Everyone,
I'm seeking insight on an issue I have with my husband and the mother of his child. My stepson is 9 years old. Biomom is still very bitter that my husband and I have been married for 5 years. I know that my husband had a short relationship with her and he was not in a relationship with her when she had their son. He pays child support and has court ordered visitation. She never got over him and she makes it very difficult for him when ever something comes up with scouts, basketball practice, baseball games, vacation time, holidays, pretty much everything is a battle.
Throughout our relationship when there has been times when they have argued, my husband is quick to apologize to her for not being with her and for treating her wrong when they were together. Ok I understand that he may feel bad for past wrongs when she tells him that he left her for another woman. He apologizes to her when there is nothing to apologize for and this has been going on for years.
So she now has another child that she paid for and had through fertilization and as she says she was given "Baby Seeds." She kept this a secret until well after the baby was born. Even my ss didn't tell us about the baby and we found out by accident. My husband asked her why she kept the new baby a secret and she said it was none of his business. She said she didn't wish to have another baby daddy and she didn't want my husband as one either. She went on to say she wanted a family and was a more than capable mother.
My husband apologized to this woman AGAIN!!! He apologized to her for her making the decision to have a child with a sperm donor IF he was the reason she chose to do this!!!! He then went on to tell her that he would help her with this sperm donor child. It's been nine years since they were together why is he apologizing to her yet again!!! She made that decision on her own and now she has to raise this child with no financial help and no father that will be present. Why in the heck is my husband apologizing to her AGAIN and offering to help her with a child that isn't his??????????????
I was so angry and hurt when I read this text. When I confronted him about this he said apologizing to her was the Godly thing to do and that he didn't really mean he would help her with this child. So I asked him why would he say this to her then. Needless to say we argued about this and I was told, "So what he apologized and if I didn't like it so be it." I asked him if he felt like he owed her something, he said no. He said he had no guilt on his conscience because he has apologized. He also said telling her that he would help her with the 'Seed Baby' was a chess move and it could lead to her being less hostile in the future if she believe that he was willing to be nice and help. He said he has no intentions on helping her with that child his only concern is with his son and making sure the new baby and her choice on conception doesn't adversely affect him.
BS, BS, BS, BS!!! I'm still mad!! My argument is and always will be... IT'S BEEN 9 FREAKING YEARS, WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO KEEP APOLOGIZING TO THIS WOMAN??? And I'm truly insulted that he would offer to help her with a child that is NOT his whether he meant it or not!!! He should not have said this to this woman. So this makes me feel like he has regrets and maybe he still has a hole in his heart for this woman that gives him nothing but grief when it comes to co-parenting his son! He pays child support and we have regular visitation there is no reason for him to keep apologizing to her or to offer to help with the 'Seed Baby' whether he meant it or not. I don't believe him.
So folks, is it me and I'm wrong to feel the way I do about this situation???
~Writermom
Good question!
Good question!
For this man to keep
For this man to keep apologizing like this,I think it is safe to assume that he some nasty shit to BM and the guilt is eating him up inside.
You say that BM never got over him, but it sounds like he isn't over her either.
We've had that argument
We've had that argument too--his non feelings for her. His argument is that he married me and that if he wanted to be with her he would have stayed with her and for me to believe that he wants her is not logical. Well to me, words and actions don't match. He married me but for him to keep apologizing to her after nine years is a direct slap in my face and it does make me think that he caters to her feelings and cares wayyyyyyy too much about the feelings of a woman he left nine years ago and claims he doesn't care about and that creates drama in our lives. Seems to still have a space in his heart for her. I'm pissed! And his logic makes no sense and it's BS!
Marrying one person doesn't
Marrying one person doesn't mean you are over another.
It's possible BM loved him but ended their relationship over whatever he keeps apologizing for. He may have "moved on" simply because BM refused to take him back.
Exactly what I've told my
Exactly what I've told my husband. BM's drama never ends.
Exactly! Mind is lost and my
Exactly! Mind is lost and my patience for this foolishness.
Golly, my first thought was
Golly, my first thought was that maybe there were no "baby seeds" but there were DH seeds ... the secrecy of the baby, the continual apologizing and offers to help her smack of way more than appears on the surface.
Not meaning any offense, just that's how it sounds on first read-through. Good luck
We don't know if the OP was
We don't know if the OP was the other woman. But something YUGE had to happen for this man to be still be apologizing 9 years later.
I was not the other woman.
I was not the other woman. This happened before me but I'm being affected by it. DH and BM were not married when she was pregnant.
Thank you sueu2. You are
Thank you sueu2. You are absolutely right. I really appreciate you telling me this and telling me the truth about myself and this situation. Everything you said is on point and makes me look at myself, my husband and BM as it is. Therapy is definitely needed by not just him but me too. We've been to therapy but clearly there is more work to do, if I want to get past this and not allow it to continue to affect me and my marriage negatively. I appreciate your insight and for being honest with me.
Have a good day.
Writermom
I believe a husband (or a
I believe a husband (or a wife) owes the best of themselves to their spouse. While being polite and civil is always a good policy,to give intimate thoughts or promises to another is destructive, and not at all what they (you) signed up for in your vows. I think your feelings are justified. You are not responsible for his inability to keep both feet firmly planted in his current relationship. Best of luck to you.
When I was younger I was
When I was younger I was often an unwilling participant in situations like this. Not to say that I "accepted" it - but there were no real consequences for my partner - except for me being pissed.
Maybe because I was happily single with a great life for many years - I now refuse to accept the "unacceptable". I LOVE the fact that I do not have to accept ANYTHING that I don't want to deal with.
I adore my DH - but I am not willing to accept any crap. I will be happier not dealing with crap like this and being alone than accepting crap.