Going to be a step-grandma at age 29...and not even remotely happy
A bit of backstory since it's been a very long time since I've been on this board: My fiance and I have been together about 4 years now. He is 10 years older than me and has 4 kids. His oldest son is about 11 years younger than me. The son lives quite some distance from us with his mom, so we don't see him very often, but we stay in touch and I've always gotten along with him pretty well.
We just found out last week that his girlfriend is pregnant. He's a couple months shy of being 19, and his girlfriend is 17 and a senior in high school. Thankfully, she will have graduated by the time she has the baby. But that's really the only upside to this.
My fiance is happy about it. He is disappointed given how young they are, but is mostly happy and embracing his new "grandpa" title. I, on the other hand, am not happy about it. Part of the problem (and I'm sure some people will tell me I'm horrible for saying this) is that I have no desire to be "grandma" at 29 years old. I think it's important to point out that his children don't call me mom, but it wouldn't bother me at all if they did. So it has nothing to do with not wanting to take on a motherly role. His oldest does call me mom on occasion, but it's more to be funny just because of how close in age we are and that it's odd for me to be a "mom" to him. But even when it is in seriousness, it doesn't bother me at all. However, "grandma" is a whole other story.
But that's just a minor part of the problem for me. My biggest problem is that she is 17 and he is 18, and everyone is acting excited and happy like it's the greatest thing in the world. Neither one of them are mature enough to handle something like this, and I don't think they even tried to prevent it from happening. She had a pregnancy "scare" a year ago, and was sending him pictures of her holding her "baby bump" and acting all excited about it. Which to me just sent the message that she doesn't even understand the responsibilities involved in having a child. I told him then that she was too excited when they didn't even know if she was actually pregnant or not, and that all it would do was give her "baby fever" and make her want to have one if it turned out she wasn't pregnant. And here we are now...
I've never been in this situation and I don't know how to handle it. My reaction is anger and refusal to take part in any of it. By not taking part, I mean I will not "congratulate" them, I will not act like I'm excited about it when I'm not, etc. I have not said anything to his son since I found out. My fiance put up a Facebook post announcing that he's going to be a grandpa, and I can't bring myself to even pretend to be happy for them.
I understand that what's done is done, and I'm in no way saying I think she should get an abortion or give it up for adoption. But I'm just so bothered by how everyone is handling this and acting like it's okay when it's not. When my sister found out about it, she told me "it could be a lot worse," which is pretty much true in most situations, but that doesn't make this okay.
The son and girlfriend had previously talked about moving closer to where we live once she graduated high school. Now that she's pregnant, I don't know if they still will or not but I wouldn't be surprised if they do. When we discussed it before, my fiance and I both said that they would not be allowed to move in with us. It's great if they want to move closer, but they need to get themselves in a position to do so before moving. Now that she's pregnant, moving in is absolutely not an option anymore because we will not raise their child for them. I reiterated that to my fiance after we found out, but I don't know that he still feels that way.
Another thing that worries me is that the girlfriend is close with my fiance's daughter, who is 14 1/2. My fear is that the girlfriend is going to glorify her pregnancy and send the wrong message to his daughter. What should we do to make sure she understands that this is not okay in any way, and it is not an example she needs to follow?
I feel like I'm being a complete b*tch, and I'm sure someone here will probably agree with that. But for anyone who doesn't just want to tell me I'm a terrible person, I would appreciate some advice on how to handle this. Has anyone been in this situation? Am I completely out of line for being as angry as I am? I'm sure I'll come around to the "grandma" thing eventually, but I cannot get myself to accept that she's pregnant and that this is actually happening. 
How does it not affect me? I
How does it not affect me? I am involved in the kids' lives. I do more for them than he even does. We are a team, so if it affects my fiance, it affects me. I would think that would be the case for any stepparent.
I supposed I could be the kind of person who says "not my kid, not my problem" but that's not how I am.
Well it's happening and there
Well it's happening and there is nothing you can do about it. I think most grandparents in this situation feel the same way. Disappointed that their young children are pregnant but realize it's out of their control. Once the baby comes, they love the baby anyways.
How is this going to affect you? Will you have to pay for the baby? Will you have to babysit?
Maybe. I'd have to be stupid
Maybe. I'd have to be stupid to think the possibility wasn't there. What happens when they can't afford what the child needs? Out of all the parents, we're the only ones with any type of stability. The girlfriend has one in jail and one who's a drug addict. The son's mom is more of a story than I have time for, but basically is a pothead who cares more about her boyfriend (who's in jail) than she does her own children. So they have this baby and hit a rough spot where they need help (which is almost inevitable in this situation), who do you think they'll turn to?
Discuss boundaries and
Discuss boundaries and expectations with DH beforehand. And you may be getting ahead of yourself. You may find that you bond with the baby and fall in love and want to help them. Or they may succeed and do really well on their own and not even need your help.
Just because they are young doesn't mean they are going to fail.
My sister got pregnant at 16. She was a wild child. Running the streets, delinquent.
She is now co-owner of a business that brings in close to a million dollars.
I agree, and I don't think
I agree, and I don't think their age automatically means they will fail. But it would be stupid to not expect some type of struggle on their end given where they are at now. If they don't struggle and never ask for a thing from us, then that's great!
I'm not saying I don't think I'll like the baby or anything like that. I just don't see myself as a grandma, and can't imagine taking on that role with the child at this point.
Technically at age 35 I am
Technically at age 35 I am step grandma to 4 (and 1 more on the way) grand kids.
And I have a great niece who is a year and half.
I don't let it make me feel old.
When I do see the gskids I play with them and am nice but that is as far as it needs to go.
Being a grandma doesn't mean that you are "old" or have to do "grandma" things. My sister is a Grandma at 38. She just does for her grandbaby what she wants. Enjoys her time with her and sends her home. And my sister still does everything else she was doing before she became a Grandma. She's still hip and cool.
Thanks! I'm not worried about
Thanks! I'm not worried about not being hip and cool - I never have been either one lol
Your fiance struck gold. He
Your fiance struck gold. He gets to sleep with the babysitter/maid.
Why are you with a man that doesn't do more for his kids than you do? You're not their mother. You are dad's girlfriend. Doesn't sound like much of a team if you're doing more work than your teammate.
I'm not a babysitter or maid,
I'm not a babysitter or maid, but thanks. My point in saying that I do more was to point out that why wouldn't I be involved in this when I'm just as involved in their life as he is.
You are not a terrible
You are not a terrible person. Your position is the sane one.
You have inadvertently associated yourself with a bunch of immature people. At the very least, you are finding they do not share your values. Your very sane, reasonable, wise values.
In my experience, 29 is a time when you really start coming in to your own, feeling your own opinions more confidently and less concerned about them not meshing with the opinions of other people, people whom you thought respected. That's a good thing.
I would use this incident to really re-evaluate what I want out of life. What I want my family to look like. You are correct that the family response to this pg is likely to have quite an influence on your younger skids. Are you wanting a house full of stepgrandbabies by the time you are 35?
What about your own eventual children? Are you going to have any? Will dad be willing when he's already supporting some grandbabies and their still dependent parents (skids)? What influence will all this have on your own kids (you know the answer to that)?
You are not yet married. I recommend taking a step back. At 29 you can still easily find a man who has your values, would react the same in this situation, and doesn't yet have kids. You may find that would be the best course to take.
I know it's not what you wanted to hear. But this is one of Life's Big Tests. How is it working for you? Is it really what you want out of life?
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. He can't have anymore children so we won't be having any together. We did split up for a while, but ultimately I realized that I do love him, I love his kids, love his family, and want to remain a part of it. I've known he can't have kids since I've met him, and I've accepted that I probably won't have any of my own and I'm okay with it. We had talked about exploring alternative options to have one, but it's all very costly and not even 100% guaranteed. We decided that we'd rather look at becoming foster parents. If we can't have kids that are biologically both of ours, why go through all that when there are plenty of children out there who already need help.
The grandchild part is throwing a wrench into it, but I can't justify leaving him over something he can't really do anything about.
DH already had a vasectomy
DH already had a vasectomy when we met. He said that he would get a reversal if I wanted more kids, which I did. I have one of my own. We fell in love. Over the course of time I realized- oh hell no. He's a good husband but not a good dad. We would not be on the same page.
It still hurt and I still mourn over it sometimes.
But it still bugs me when I see his kids having more kids (at young age) and when they are on welfare, etc. Like how do these people have kids that they can't even take care of and then there's me and it's not really an option (smart option) for me.??? It's like a catch 22 of sorts.
Do you think that is why you are so bothered by it?
I have considered that, yes.
I have considered that, yes. And it probably does have some factor into it. We could end up helping them take care of this baby, which doesn't seem fair considering I never got to do it for my own.
Good for your sister! I never
Good for your sister! I never said they were doomed because they're young. I don't know your sister but it sounds like she did a great job taking care of her son. Everyone is different, so just because your sister handled it doesn't mean every other 17 year old can handle it.
As noted in the subject, I will be a step-grandma. So call it what you want, that's what it is. I'm sorry for caring about his children to the point where what they do affects me.
My sister was 25 when she
My sister was 25 when she became a step grandmother. She married a man about 15 years older than her. To my knowledge, her stepdaughter does not call her mom and the daughter's kid does not call her grandma. I think they both call her by her first name. I admit, I think it's hilarious that she was a grandmother in her mid 20s and I teased her endlessly about it. But that's what she gets for marrying an older man that has been married several times and has kids with several different women.
Prepare for a battle. I'm sure your step son and his girlfriend will be looking for a free place to stay and a free babysitter. If you don't want to provide either one of those things, you'll have some decisions to make.
Do you want kids of your own
Do you want kids of your own and does it bother you that she is having a kid and you are not?
I am more than double your
I am more than double your age. My SS is 30 and his GF is 25 or 26. And they live very close to us.
But I still made a decision not to be a grandparent to their child. I've held it a couple of times - but I have zero emotional ties to the baby. I hope he has a good life, but I wish that for any baby.
I have not posted one thing on FB about the child, nor can I imagine ever doing so. I bought a baby present when he was born - for DH to drop off. Mainly so DH wouldn't spend too much money. His first birthday party was last weekend - I conveniently managed to be out of town - but sent DH with a cute outfit as a gift.
Of course it is STUPID as **** for two kids that young to have a baby on purpose. But you do not have to let it affect your life. I hope you can tame your anger (which only hurts you) and strive for indifference.
Thanks. I am trying to tame
Thanks. I am trying to tame my anger since I know there's no benefit. That's why I've kept my mouth shut for the most part and just haven't said anything.
Anger isn't going to do
Anger isn't going to do anything for you, trust me.
Make sure that you and your fiance are still on, and stay on, the same page as far as not letting them move in with you. This is a MUST.
Other than that, you don't have to be a grandma, you don't have to be excited about this pregnancy, and you don't have to take part it in. I've never congratulated my SD for getting pregnant.
My SD is 25, now, but she was 17 when she got pregnant, her boyfriend was 18. They got married (she was 18, by then) and had another kid almost exactly a year after the first. Oh, good, 'cuz if you can't afford one kid, please have another. They are now divorced, by the way.
I have had very little to do with any of it and do not feel grandmotherly towards them at all. I don't feel bad about it, either.
Thank you. I think part of
Thank you. I think part of the problem is that a lot of people keep calling me "grandma" and pointing out the humor in it given my age. I don't want to come off as an unsupportive b*tch by saying "I'm not a grandma."
Of course they're going to
Of course they're going to tease you. No one becomes a grandmother before the age of 30 except teen moms who spawn other teen moms. It's funny in a Jerry Springer kind of way.
Oh here's how to get around
Oh here's how to get around that. Defer to the bio-grandmothers. Just tell people that you don't want to step on their toes - as those are the "real" grandmothers.
Good point! I just feel like
Good point! I just feel like there's a stigma with saying "it's not my child/grandchild" when I'm in a role that's supposed to take on his kids as if they were my own.
I know I'm not technically
I know I'm not technically step anything, but since we've been together for 4 years and are getting married, it's generally easier to say "stepchildren" than "my fiance's kids." At this point, his kids refer to me as a stepmom and that's what I am to them. Not having it be legally "official" doesn't really matter.
Yep.
Yep.
Living with him sets a bad
Living with him sets a bad example for his kids? Are you kidding me?
Fruity, she's one of those
Fruity, she's one of those that doesn't realize that she is marrying the man and not his almost grown children. She has already admitted that she does more than the kids' father. She is setting herself up for step hell.
His children aren't all
His children aren't all almost grown. As I said, he has four and I've only said the age of two of them, so don't comment on something that you don't actually know about. I do know that I'm marrying him and not his kids. Is it seriously that terrible for me to do things for them and care about them?? I had a stepmother who treated me like I was her maid and never acted like she cared. I have a mom and didn't need a second one, but a little more kindness and appreciation from her would've been nice to have. She's still married to my dad and I still can't stand her to this day. Why would I want to create that kind of a relationship with my fiance's children?
Thank you! I can't understand
Thank you! I can't understand all of the people on here who are saying this doesn't affect me. I almost feel sorry for their stepchildren if that's how they treat them...
I have been through the rethinking process already...called it off once but realized I did want to be with him. I gave up having my own kids from day one when I got involved with him. It's a battle we've tackled and I truly am fine with how it will be. Yes, I do think some part of me is perhaps jealous or thinks it's unfair that they're having a kid and I don't get to, but I know I won't feel that way forever.
Of course, it affects you,
Of course, it affects you, and your fiance's actions regarding this will affect you, also. Which is why I said you need to make sure you two are on the same page as far as them living with you.
I purposely did not have kids, I certainly wasn't going to raise my SD's kids.
Maybe they should move in
Maybe they should move in with you and your boyfriend. You can help support your boyfriends first grandchild. They will need financial assistance for the doctors bills, diapers. You can suggest taking his girlfriend to Social services and she can get WIC if she doesn't BF the infant.
Miss by the way, the step parents (term you get when your married) on here are the most kind, caring, smart, loving step parents out there. WE can smell trolls within 2 sentences of a post. We have nurses, teachers, social workers and stay at home moms.
Frankly WE have done more for our step kids then most will ever think to do. Most certainly we would never use our own bios for personal gain like many bio parents do.
Best wishes to you, your boyfriend and his kids and Grandchild. Hope it all works out for you.
Why should they move in with
Why should they move in with us exactly? And as far as getting the term "stepparent" when you're married, get real. The only thing that will change for us when we're married is my name. We already co-exist as if we were married, why would the paper make a difference? I do everything a technical "stepmom" would do and then some, so please tell me how not having it on paper means I'm not a stepparent?
Saying that the stepparents in this forum are all kind and caring is ridiculous. I've read through plenty of the forums on here and am shocked at how people treat their stepchildren.
I'm really not following a lot of your comments...what does "smelling trolls" have to do with my post? If you're suggesting I'm here to troll people, you're highly mistaken. I came here to ask for advice, and everyone just wants to pass judgement. I first came to this site 3 years ago and am starting to remember why I quit using it.
As far as your comment about using bio children for personal gain...no idea where that's coming from. I have no bio children, so if you want to preach about yourself and how great you think you are, take it elsewhere.
Though as parents/Sparents we
Though as parents/Sparents we would be crushed if our son had instigated a teen pregnancy before he was capable of supporting a mate and kid we can't be too hypocritical about it. At least that is the case in our blended family marriage.
My wife had SS-24 when she was 16 (the SpermIdiot was 22). Though for many if not most children who have children this will likely define their lives and limit their opportunities and success, for my mutant bride it was a wake up call. At the time she was working at DQ in her tiny home town. Her bosses at the time commented then and regularly comment now that she went from being a ditzy teen to their best employee literally over night. She did not tell her employers at the time for several months and when she did they commented that they knew something was up.
The HS school administration tried to get her to leave HS and go to the "opportunity" school to finish HS with the other pregnant girls and the semi-delinquents. She refused and stayed in HS with her class. She graduated with her class with honors. All while struggling through a relationship with the SpermIdiot under the constant hairy eyeball of SpermGrandHag. The consistent SpermClan message to my wife at that time was to quit school and stay home to take care of her "husband" (they never married) and her baby. Her message was basically to tell them to FO.
She finally kicked him out shortly after she graduated from HS when my FIL saw him mugging with a 14-ish YO in a mall parking lot one day. Once she booted him out she got an attorney, went to court to obtain full legal and physical custody, and nailed the DipShitIot for CS. Her parents were supportive though not able to do a whole lot to help her financially. What they did do was buy an old travel trailer and set it up next to their home and to wire and plumb it to their house utilities. That is where they lived while she finished HS.
A few months after graduation she and the baby moved out of state for her to attend university. That is where we met when she was 18, SS was 15mos old, and I was 29. I returned to school full time after I divorced and sold my business. We met 3yrs after my divorce during the last semester of my 11yr undergrad career and her first semester of college. She went on to graduate with a dual major BS (Mgt/Acctg) with honors, and MBA with honors, and has had a successful career as a CPA.
My point(s) are this. Your SS and his baby mama may be of the rare few who get a killer wake up call from their indiscriminant young breeding activities and step up. Not likely but possible. And ..... don't sweat the age thing. If my bride can be a beautiful successful mom, professional, and wife, you can rock the young grandmother thing.
You and grandpa should set appropriate boundaries on the amount of support and participation you are willing to have and stick to it. Providing moral and emotional support can be priceless while over supporting financially can be detrimental to these young people delivering on their adult and parental responsibilities to their baby.
Congratulations on the baby... Grand-Ma.
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story! Unfortunately, I don't think they're going to be like those rare ones, at least not any time soon (which by the way, MAJOR kudos to your wife!). The girlfriend's thought process is that it's okay that she's pregnant because she'll be done with high school before she has it. So it's not going to affect her in any way... :? While I agree that it's better that she'll be out of high school, that doesn't suddenly mean everything is "okay." Her maturity level is still on par with your typical teenage girl, and it doesn't seem like she's at all grasped the concept of what this truly means for them.
She started sharing "baby bump" photos on her Facebook when she was just 8 weeks along, which is just screaming for attention. I've never been pregnant in my life, but even I know that you don't have a baby bump like that at 8 weeks. That's a burrito bump.
She continuously makes posts that are full of drama, simply to get the attention from it. She got mad at my SS because he wanted to work instead of go to her first doctor's appointment. He does some type of window installation work, which pays decent but isn't stable, so he needs to take up every chance he can to work. So of course, the drama is all over Facebook, and she says "but he promised me he would go..." Thankfully plenty of people commented on it and reminded her that babies cost money, and he needs to work to help support them so she needs to get over it.
Unfortunately, while my SS seems to have at least a little bit more of a grasp on reality than she does, he still doesn't understand what they're getting into. He called my SO and asked him if he knows anywhere where they can buy a horse when they move up here next spring...my SO's response was something like this (paraphrased, but hits the points) "Umm...what? You will have a baby to take care of, you're not going to have the time nor the money to buy a horse." The SS argued that they would save up the money for it, and that the GF really wants a horse. SO's response (again, paraphrased): "You need to save money for your CHILD, not a horse. There are a lot of things you will be giving up now that you're having this baby, and a horse will most certainly need to be one of them." The call ended with SS angry at his dad for treating him like a child and not thinking that they know what they're doing. CLEARLY they don't!
I'm not saying I think they'll completely fail. I truly do hope that once the baby is here, they realize how much work is involved and start to step up their game, act like the mature adults they need to be, and do what they need to do to to provide for their family. SO and I have talked about what we would do for them when they move up here, and we will be more than happy to babysit on occasion, but there will be zero financial support from us. We are in no position to help them even if we wanted to. We have our own bills to pay for, and my other step-children to worry about, and we've already told his SS that so he understands not to count on us as their back-up support plan.
This will definitely be interesting...
Oh yes, it will most
Oh yes, it will most definitely be interesting. I hope for this baby's sake that mommy and daddy can extricate their heads from their sphincters and catch some clarity quickly.
Lots of hate in this
Lots of hate in this comment...
My fiance didn't say he felt his son should be a parent...he's simply excited a the thought of having a grandchild. That being said, he does not approve of them having a child and is simply making the best out of the situation. Me saying that he was "happy about it" was probably a poor choice of words, because no he is not happy they're having a baby.
I think it completely depends
I think it completely depends on how your SS will act as a dad, will he be able to handle all the responsibilities of a dad? If he CAN provide for his new family and won't depend on your financial help then it has nothing to do with you and you are stepping out of line.
But if you CAN'T provide for his new family then it is a completely different deal.
Anyways, what can be done now? You'll have to deal with it anyways. Or just try to persuade him to push for abortion. I think that is not a bad idea at this age.
I'm not sure if you're joking
I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but I would never push them to have an abortion. That's absurd.