Get together with your wife and agree on some rules for the house. Then present the rules to the stepkids. They won't like it, but they won't have a choice. But your wife has to back you up on this.

I understand your frustration. I have been dealing with these same issues for 6 years. My step kids age 16 and 13, both boys, were brought up to do NOTHING around the house or for themselves. It's even a struggle to get the 13 year old to make his own food when he is hungry. I deal with laziness all of the time. No accountability from either. Basically their only responsibility is to eat, sleep and use the bath room. Half the time I am picking up tissue off the floor in the bathroom because they can not manage to throw their tissue in the garbage can. The only this my husband and I fight about (for the most part) is our kids (I also have two of my own, but they are with us less often, his kids are with us 100% of the time). My husband will tell them to clean up, but even if they do the effort they put into it is so minimal, it wasn't even worth the time it took to put in the minimal effort. There is no discipline or punishment if they are messy/lazy. Just a reminder over and over again. I know there are worse things that could happen, but it frustrates me so much sometimes I just go in a room and cry. My step kids won't listen to me, I really have no control over the situation. There are more issues other than the laziness (the fact they are disrespectful as well), but all I ask is to keep their room clean, that's it. They don't like going to their Mom's because it's so "dirty" yet they choose to be dirty here and expect me to clean up the mess. I have decided to choose my battles. I am no longer going to clean up their room, fold their clothes, etc. I will let their room get as dirty and disorganized as they want with out saying a word, I am done with it. The food wrappers, soda cans, garbage they leave around the house will stay there. It will drive me crazy, but I have realized I have to let this issue go in order to maintain my sanity.

I am going through the same with and 18 yo sd. I cant stand it. Tried to disengage, but I just cant stand living in a filthy house while my husband could give two shits as long as SHE (the princess) isnt bitching, but it's ok for me 2 b so unhappy and stressed out that my dr gave me xanax. I fucking hate my life right now and I cant help but to take it out on him. He has no spine when it comes to her. She talks to him like he's a retard and comes up to him with her palm out and he fills it up while im working 40-50 hours per week and we have a 9 m/o together. fucking hate this.

Just found this site tonight and am lying in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks as I feel I have finally found somewhere that shows me I am not alone. I am at my wits end, feel so alone and that my DH feels like I a constantly picking on them (girls 12 and 14) when I the only thing I ask is for them to clean their rooms once a week before they go back to their BM. I know exactly how you feel.

Hi. I can sympathize...I have two twin fifteen year old step daughters who have to be constantly prodded to clean up after themselves. Things I have learned are that divorced bio parents sometimes fall into that trap where they want to be the "good guy" so they don't raise their children that certain things are expected, one of those being accountability for helping maintain a home. When I first entered my now husband's home, one look was all I needed to show me that his 3 children weren't expected to help him at all. So I went into this relationship eyes wide open on this.....When they first came to my home the eldest said uh oh...that's because my house was clean. After we all started living together it was a constant battle on my part..I was working myself to death. The most important thing, if this is going to change for you is you and your partner have to get together somehow on this. If you don't it won't ever work. My husband and I did not agree on this at first, I think kids should have chores, he says he agrees but his kids never had them. Our oldest is now away at college so his entire time spent living with me he had no regular household responsibilities. Our girls are with us half time....are totally overbooked with a variety of sports activities etc, I finally have my DH attention that just because they are busy and don't live with us full time is not justification for them having no responsibilities, What we have agreed to do is come up with a list of chores and a reasonable load for them,..so that they can start being more responsible. We have an 18 month old together, and not only can I not keep up by myself, it isn't fair to ask that of me and it really does the children no favors to let them just skate by helping take care of the home in which they live. I would suggest a coming together meeting between the parents, and then come up with something doable for the kids. I suggest not paying per chore, but paying by the week some reasonable amount for the adult inspected and confirmed completion of all chores. No partials....all or nothing. I think if the kid's have a reasonable set of expectations, and the new program is initiated and followed through with, everyone in the family will feel more respected and things will run much more smoothly. If you want to read about some of my experiences please take a look at my blog goodstepmom.com. Good luck...hope the advise helps!

Hi. I can sympathize...I have two twin fifteen year old step daughters who have to be constantly prodded to clean up after themselves. Things I have learned are that divorced bio parents sometimes fall into that trap where they want to be the "good guy" so they don't raise their children that certain things are expected, one of those being accountability for helping maintain a home. When I first entered my now husband's home, one look was all I needed to show me that his 3 children weren't expected to help him at all. So I went into this relationship eyes wide open on this.....When they first came to my home the eldest said uh oh...that's because my house was clean. After we all started living together it was a constant battle on my part..I was working myself to death. The most important thing, if this is going to change for you is you and your partner have to get together somehow on this. If you don't it won't ever work. My husband and I did not agree on this at first, I think kids should have chores, he says he agrees but his kids never had them. Our oldest is now away at college so his entire time spent living with me he had no regular household responsibilities. Our girls are with us half time....are totally overbooked with a variety of sports activities etc, I finally have my DH attention that just because they are busy and don't live with us full time is not justification for them having no responsibilities, What we have agreed to do is come up with a list of chores and a reasonable load for them,..so that they can start being more responsible. We have an 18 month old together, and not only can I not keep up by myself, it isn't fair to ask that of me and it really does the children no favors to let them just skate by helping take care of the home in which they live. I would suggest a coming together meeting between the parents, and then come up with something doable for the kids. I suggest not paying per chore, but paying by the week some reasonable amount for the adult inspected and confirmed completion of all chores. No partials....all or nothing. I think if the kid's have a reasonable set of expectations, and the new program is initiated and followed through with, everyone in the family will feel more respected and things will run much more smoothly. If you want to read about some of my experiences please take a look at my blog goodstepmom.com. Good luck...hope the advise helps!

bronte 74 & autumnanjel....I know how you feel. If you say anything, you're "being a bitch" or "picking on his kids". I get tired of having to politely smile while my lazy, worthless SS24 gets away with being lazy and disrespectful. "He's had a hard life". Yeah, give me a break! I know many people who had parents who got freakin' divorced, and they're doing okay!

Finally I don't feel so alone. My SD is 14 and have been with her BD for 7 years. Luckily she is only over every other weekend. But she is so lazy. When she leaves I have to walk around the house and pick up wherever she was at in the house. My husband definitely has weekend dad syndrome and doesn't want to make her life rough or unbearable since he doesn't get to see her all the time. It is so frustrating to see him wait on her hand and foot and then me having to clean up after her. I wish I could enforce some house rules, but I have been put in my place and told that I'm not allowed to do that.

so I am a fairly new stepfather to a 9 year old and an 8 year old. they are both boys and will be turning 9 and 10 in the next 2 months. The problem I have is their lack of responsibilities. I grew up in a home with 3 younger brothers. So having younger boys around is something I am very used to. The main issue for me though is that they don't do anything. When my brothers and I were at that age, we were expected to do simple things around the house. we cleaned the bathroom, picked up our toys, kept our rooms clean, and did small tasks for ourselves such as (taking a bath, getting a glass of juice, or grabbing a snack out of the pantry.) in addition to that we also had a list of chores on the fridge that must be completed by the time we went to bed Ie; I vacuumed the living room, another brother dusted all the shelves, etc. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about here is a typical day:
They wake up and watch tv in the living room, while my wife or I make them breakfast and bring it to them. Then we make their lunch and pack it in their backpacks. We set out all their clothes for them, and pick up all their toys in the living room. (all while they watch tv) then they dress and go to school, my wife expects me to refill their drinks, or get whatever else they need in the morning. when they get home from school they watch tv and play with toys, and we again make them a snack and bring it to them along with their beverages. My wife goes upstairs and cleans their room, makes their beds, and brings their laundry downstairs. They continue to play and watch tv from the time they come home from school until they go to bed at 9. All the while, making messes that my wife and I clean up. we make dinner and bring it to them, and they are very picky. If they eat fruit it has to be cut and peeled, bread must have the crust removed, pizza needs to have the topping picked off, and if anything looks slightly burnt or different to them they will not eat it. I made them noodles last night and I was told I need to cut the noodles or they wont eat them. so I cut them, and the boys said I cut them to short so they refused to eat and dumped their food in the garbage. I then made more for them, but it was to spicy (even though they didn't taste it) and dumped them out again. so I just gave up and told my wife you cook for them, they wont eat anything I make. we start there baths for them, and dry them off when they come out. we clean their ears, wash their face, etc.
Its driving me nuts. Every time I talk to my wife about them having responsibilities, she says I just don't want to take care of them cause their not my own kids. With both of us working full time jobs its very difficult to get alone time. now she told me "promise me you will take them fishing every weekend that they are at our house" I wouldn't mind if they were behaved, but they don't listen to me and taking them anywhere is miserable. They stay with us for 2 weeks and then their fathers house for 1 week. Their father is very wealthy so he buys them all the toys they want. so many that he will have to go through there room every few weeks and take full garbage bags of toys to goodwill. They have a ps3, xbox, wii, Ipads, Ipods, and Gameboys. They also have a nanny at their fathers house who does all chores, and meal prep for them. Whenever we go to the store they beg us to buy toys, and throw a fit if we do not.
as for personal space, I have non. I told my wife I though our room should be off-limits to the children, and she said that would be too mean. I then set up an office in our basement, and lock the doors when i'm working in there. They would pick the lock with a butter knife and run in and start playing and making noise. I then switched to a regular door nob with a key lock, bt they will sit outside of the door and nock on it for hours asking for snacks, beverages, etc......all of which they could easily grab themselves. I have only been married for a year but its really starting to bother me. Lately after work, I have been fishing, hiking, driving around, walking, etc. anything to avoid being home with them for extended periods of time. My wife works 10-7 during the day, and I work a night shift from 6:00pm to 2am. I usually wake up around 8 and try to get out of the house before they wake up (summer break rite now). How should I deal with this. I love my wife and leaving her or moving out is not an option. But I definitely find myself desperately needing alone time, and get very frustrated with the childrens lack of doing anything.

Society is a huge part of the problem. You add lazy or "guilt" parenting to that, and you have a recipe for disaster! I get that folks want better for their children than they had, but that doesn't mean you have to drown them with gifts and whatever else they want.

SD15 is a product of this recipe! You have BM who is a lazy parent, and DH who is the "Disney Dad" guilt parent. Add to that the fact that BM totally subscribes to the entitlement society! What does that mean? It means, whatever princess wants, princess gets...but because BM is to lazy to get off of her butt an work, that means that she guilts DH into giving SD15 whatever she asks for. She wanted a $70 dress for a color guard officer trying that was about 5 minutes of performance, BM pulled out the all the tricks to get DH to buy it! You know where that dress is now? In a ball on the floor of her room somewhere! No, she can't take care of it for next year's tryouts (I mean, why should she ever have to wear anything twice), she can't consider consigning it, etc. $200 in makeup...constant electronic/device replacement (I'm seriously surprised that she has been made to endure a cracked screen for as long as she has this time)...more clothing that all the other people in the household put together...etc. Thankfully, I've put an end to most of the bleeding of the finances, and boy, is SD15 making sure I know she is not happy with me for it (how dare I tell DH he cannot spend MY money on her when his money is gone).

Chores? What are those? I mean, why should we ask them to do anything! How dare we! Aren't we supposed to clean up after them?

People don't realize they aren't doing these kids any favors, and I'm seriously scared of what society will be in 10-20 years!

Unicco,
That might be "The World's Longest Sentence" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Military School!!!!

It worked wonders for my Skid. His mom and I sent him away to military boarding school for his Jr. and Sr. years of high school. In the first 12 weeks he lost 40lbs and went from a slovenly lump/slob to a very together young cadet. His Jr year he was an honor student, a highly awarded Cadet, and a champion athlete.

Then he went back for summer leadership camp and his Sr. year. That, sadly, was a Sperm Idiot caused disaster. For the first semester of his Sr. year his Sperm Idiot hacked the school fire wall and he and SS would spend all night every night playing WoW to the point that SS was comatose in class every day. He failed the only class he needed to graduate. SS was so worn down that ended up with Swine Flu and spent two weeks in the school infirmary. Rather than catch up on his school work he spent that 2wks WoWing with the Sperm Idiot.

We brought him home at Christmas break and enrolled him in our local high school, took him on a tour of the winter homeless camps under the highways in Philly and told him he either graduated on time and we either went to a graduation ceremony or we would drop him off at the homeless camp.

That was the watershed experience for the Skid. He only needed Sr Eng 1&2 to graduate at Military School but needed Sr Eng 1&2, 2 math classes, 2 career track classes, and to complete an 18mo Sr project to graduate from our local HS. That kid busted his ass and graduated on time and with honors terrified the whole time his mom was going to load him in the car and kick him out at the homeless camp. Ha! }:)

If the Sperm Idiot had stayed out of it Military School would have been a complete success for my Skid.

He is now nearly 22 and just completed year 3 of his initial 6 year USAF enlistment. He is working on a BSCS and doing very well. Far better than his worthless POS Sperm Idiot has done in his entire useless life.

Military School worked wonders for my dad, my younger brother, and me too. A great experience and a truly sturdy foundation for a disciplined life.

So glad I found this site. I married a lovely woman that has 2 kids. One is 15 and one is 17. They are lazy and basically clueless about life. They play video games all night on their computer and then sleep all day. They are both total slobs that refuse to clean up after themselves. Their Mother rarely directs them to do any chores or cleaning. When I do, she will either give me a hard time about it or do the job that I asked the kids to do herself. This is beyond annoying. I am a very neat and orderly person by nature. I don't like a mess or clutter. I clean up after myself, but I don't feel the need to clean up after her children.

My Wife claims that she will make the boys move out when they are 18 as she did when she grew up. However, this is beyond unrealistic. The boys are clueless about life. the 17 year old does not have a drivers license and does not want one. My best hope is that they will join the military as they have expressed some interest there.

I was raised to do chores, help out, be productive. I am trying to impart that to the boys by example, however, their mother isn't helping.

And... that is one long ass sentence. Try some periods. It makes things easier to follow.

I too have Lazy Stepchildren. Two - in fact a SD10 1/2 & Sd17 1/2. The teenager, the worst in my opinion, does not want to get a job. Her first job, she lost for some reason after only a few weeks. She makes a little $ here and there babysitting infrequently, or caretaking her old grandma for the DD. However, I am beyond frustrated.

My sweetie does everything for her, and she always has her hands out. She only sais "I love you Daddy" when she wants money or a ride. She needs a ride because she never obtained her permit/license, so she always needs to be shuttled around. To the mall to spend money (when she does a weekend babysitting/grandma sitting). She doesn't think about lifting a finger to help out around the house. She gets out of that duty because she has been shuttled between DD and BM' houses for the past 3 years, as they have 50% custody agreement in place. So its tough to instill a sense of consistency in chores and helping out.

I work to make money, to go shopping for groceries, prepare, chop, slice and cook a wonderful dinner. I will set the table with some of my nice china, and SD17 will have to be called out from her crack-den messy room, asked if she would like some dinner, and she will proceed to help herself, and walk off into the living room, a short "thank you", and off she goes. Slurp slurp, burp, burp, and watching television for the next few hours, while the mess piles around her. Very rarely will DD ask her to help with cleanup and dishes, and never ever will she offer to help.

She rarely cooks for herself, and by cooking I mean re-heating my leftovers, or heating water for instant noodles. She is PROUD of being lazy!!!! The only time we get anything as far as help is if D offers to pay her cell phone bill and gives her direct orders in a very harsh manner.

I do not have any bio kids of my own, but I helped raise my two younger brothers. Before 16, I was washing everyone's clothes, cooking meals, and cleaning/dusting/vacuuming the entire household. I have always worked, since the age of 14 years, always had a job.

So watching as this teenager is about to turn 18 in a few months, and still does not drive, or have any kind of ambition to get a job, its KILLING ME. Inside. Truly killing me, piece by piece. I keep quiet though, and simply laugh it off when it gets ridiculous.

You don't have much time to get them ready to launch.  Set the household standards of behavior, enforce those standards and start lighting the burning platform now so that they will launch as closely as possible to their 18th birthdays.

At some point a parent must shove their spawn out of the nest and it is then up to the kid to finish growing up on their own time and their own dime.  For kids that are reasonably behaved, advancing their lives and education, and making an effort I would set the launch date as later than for kids that are entitlement minded and not making an effort.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck.

I have to admit that I feel for all of you and am also glad to know I am not alone. I have gotten myself into a situation with my common law boyfriend, we have been living together one year now and I am miserable. I have two boys, 16 and 11, and while I certainly know they are not perfect, I have raised them to be respectful and contribute to the household and clean up after themselves (almost always, the odd time they need a reminder). My bf has a 9 yo daughter who has no rules, treats me with disrespect, and makes everyone miserable in my own home. She leaves garbage, food and crap everywhere. Refuses to eat meals with us and just eats cookies and chips all day. Has no bedtime and keeps my younger son up because she's on her tablet or iPad or phone or computer or switch (yes she has all of the above!!!) all night, often yelling at it. We don't do anything together as a family on the weekend  because she sleeps all day since she's up all night. If we wake her up, she's a complete tyrant. She argues with me and my bf does not stick up for me. I'm at my wits end, and I told my bf that I've been thinking of leaving for months now. I've decided to try disengaging but I'm just not sure how this works entirely. So if she or her dad won't clean up her mess (he's messy too), I either have to clean it up myself or live in filth. And I'm angry not only at them, but myself. I had a decent rental house before we moved in together (I'll admit, I feel like I let finances rush me). Now the already impossibly high rental market is even more expensive and I feel hopeless at being able to get another decent place for me and my boys to live. So I feel like we're totally stuck here. Thanks for reading!!!

I married a man with 3 kids.  They are currently 19, 18, and 14.  Dad has sole custody and mom has visitation which she never used that right until she decided she had time for them.  Mom has constantly abandoned these kids and I have been here every step of the way for them.  From cooking, cleaning, washing their clothes, making sure they had everything that was needed.  My SD one day decided she would go into my jewelry box while I was at work and steal all my rings.  Dad was aware she had them and even saw them and never questioned anything because princess is a princess.  He now talks about how he saw this and didn't realize they were mine.  I had some very expensive rings that meant a lot to me only to have this happen.  I have very different feelings toward her at this point.  My DH really did nothing about it but use his famous line of don't do it again.  They are complete slobs and live like that.  Their mother is a complete slob as well.  DH uses the excuse that is how their mother is so I guess it's fine in his eyes.  I told him they are old enough to get off the video games 24/7 and help.  I am not their slave and DH tells me he thinks differently of me because of that.  When his 17 year old who is now 18 threatened to kill him he called the police which was amazing in itself and had his mom pick him up and live with her.  He now tells him he can come back.  Never consulting me since I live here as well and these kids have zero respect.  I intend on getting out of the relationship if he returns.  My children are grown and my DH never lived with mine and they are not perfect but adults with their own families and life.  Anytime I say anything about his kids not doing something he says and your kids are perfect right?  His daughter spent time with mom during quarantine and very obviously didn't want to return because she has rules here and didn't with mom.  So DH has made it to where he can't do enough for her and now SD has no rules also.  She cooks and just walks away from her mess.  Dishes in sink, food on counters, and food left out .  I have never been one to allow this and would like to keep my home as bug free as possible.  When I get upset about this my DH tells me he is sick of the way I treat them.  Because I want a clean home I am the bad guy now.  His daughter has accused him of bruises and reported things to her school nurse who also involved DCS and the police and when she talked to them she blamed me.  Her brother actually was the culprit due to her stealing money from him.  When the police showed up he admitted to it and they let him know the consequences etc but the fact she blamed me really scares me.  I haven't ever touched her other than helping her brush her hair when she was young.  So now she is the only child at home and DH cannot kiss her feet enough to make her happy and she grins at me like hahaha.  I am completely miserable since a 14 yo runs my life.  I am at my wit's end since talking to my husband only results in him yelling and telling me my kids aren't perfect.  Which makes me angry because he has never lived with my kids and their homes are clean because they were taught these things.  His kids rooms are disgusting and tell them a thousand times no food in their room and at any given time there will be soda bottles, soda cans and wrappers from chips and candy.  They seem to think garbage cans aren't used for that.  I had more food under my table after a meal than a meal with toddlers.  They would never pick it up unless you saw it being dropped and told them to pick it up.  At this point I am made out to be the bad guy they have zero respect for me and their dad but he is to blind to see it.  The funny thing is when the kids are not with us we have zero issues.  He scolds me and talks bad about my kids in front of them also.  His comments are becoming more and more mean towards me and my kids who again never lived with us and are fine with him when they come over with their own families.  He doesn't hesitate to let me know if my grands who are very young don't listen.  I do something about it though is the difference.  When I can have an actual conversation with him and tell him he doesn't hesitate to let me know something about my kids or GK and I act but his kids don't ever listen and all I get is what am I supposed to do you can't spank them.  So he expects others to discipline their children while he just let's his run wild.  I am seriously at my wit's end and actually pulled up divorce papers I am so unhappy and miserable.  Please help with any advice I am open to hearing it.  Sorry if I was all over the place but pretty miserable and thoughts are all over the place.

Wow I see this thread is over ten years old but recent updates! so here's my talk,I FEEL YOU! Except I'm living with an unhygenic disrespectful lazy arssed 28yo SS not a teenager ,SS refuses to clean up after himself,He leaves dirty tissues everywhere,Never empties a bin or helps around the house,Is basically locked himself in his weed smelling dusty messy room 24/7 unless he comes out to ask his Mammy what's for dinner or is dinner ready yet,He's finally landed a job which is good which means he's out of the house more often but yet still is not paying his mother any rent or contributing to bills,He complains about my two children who are noisy or making a mess yet this is the guy who's still awake at 2am blasting his tv while we are trying to sleep,When he does cook his own food he stinks the place out then never washes the frying pan after,He leaves his gym equipment for me or his mother and siblings to trip over,When he does give his mum money he replies with stuff like "you still owe me money from last time" ,He leaves skiddies in the toilet bowl and never flushes when it's yellow,I guess it's all the weed he smokes he's kinda if it's brown flush it down if it's yellow let it mellow,I'm sick of it and over it,I can't stand a dirty house or a dirty person,I mean if he cleaned up after himself I wouldn't mind but I just hate the sense of entitlement as if to say,Clean up after me,I live here f you guys,He's 28 for flupsake surely he needs to be on the verge of moving out and stop living with his mummy and two half brothers and me,I want my boys to grow up being respectful hygienic and not lazy but with a grown man child still hanging around it's hard and draining,I need to vent so thanks and it's good to see others experience this behavior but from a grown man this behavior is surely not acceptable or deemed normal right?