Afraid to say anything for fear of a fight.
This is my first post but I’ve gotten a lot of help reading other posts on this site. Thank You.
My wife always gets defensive and argumentative when I say anything about her kids. We’ve been living together for 9 months and we’ve been married for just over 4 months. Our family consists of me, her and her 4 boys, ages 11, 13, 16 and 20. We also have a baby on the way…ooops. I have two adult kids who are moved out and have families or there own. I’ve had to make the rules of the house because when we first moved in together the kids ran the house and did whatever they wanted. They still kind of do but if they want the internet to work they are required to clean up after themselves and put away there toys and clothes and other personal items before they go to bed. I’m not crazy strict so if there are a couple things left out I don’t say anything. My wife doesn’t want to be an “enforcer” so they have never had rules to follow.
So my latest problem is this. My wife was getting ready for work and I was going to put a lunch together for her to take to work. I got the leftovers out and went to the cupboard to get a container to put her lunch in. There weren’t any. Granted they are just the cheap plastic containers but we should have at least 16 of them. I wouldn’t get upset about that as much if we weren’t also missing 5 forks (I bought a 8 serving set when we moved in together, so now we have 3 forks for 6 of us) and about 10 drinking cups are also missing. All of that is irritating but the bad part is I say something about it to my wife and she says “You’re always upset about something”. Hmm? I’m actually a pretty laid back guy. I only complain about things her kids do when they do or don’t do things that most parents expect from kids. I’m I asking too much for her to talk to me and not instantly make me feel like the enemy of her family (the family I’m supposed to be a part of) whenever I get irritated or have an opinion?
Go buy 6 forks and assign one
Go buy 6 forks and assign one to each person. Mark them with tape or buy them in different colors, styles etc. You could even etch a name on them.
Everybody gets a fork - ONE. No replacements.
But more importantly does she have ANY plans for these cretins to ever launch?
I have the same problem. This
I have the same problem.
This year I told DH, if things "disappear" I am not replacing them.
Period.
If I don't break it or lose it myself, not my responsibility to replace.
There's a Thrift store near us, so if he needs something he can go get it.
A friend gave us a bunch of little mugs (from those German mustard containers) recently and I put all of them in the cupboard. No more complaining that there's no glasses - lord knows how many of those have gone missing.
Glasses, bowls, forks, dessert plates, one good serving bowl (PO'd about that one), coffee mugs, plastic cups, tupperware/storage containers...I ignore. I have been known to put things in ziplock bags due to lack of tupperware. Not my issue if we don't have any.
My problem with this is the downright disrespect for everyone else in the house. For example: so SD12 has 4 of the 5 existing cereal bowls in her room (don't get me started on this one) - shows disrespect for everyone else in the house who may want to use one.
I started discussing it in these terms with DH who suddenly "got it" once he figured out it was about respect, not about my annoyance.
LOL - the towels! Same thing.
LOL - the towels!
Same thing. I bought nice towels for the master bath and everyone was using them willy-nilly when I had them in the linen closet (random towels and SD towels and bedding on one shelf our towels and our bedding on another shelf - how hard is this?). Found on floor, in ramdom places and DH was using them for sweat towels after bike riding. NO!!
I moved them all to my side of the closet - along with my good blankets.
The lack of respect and understanding how to take care of nice things is just totally absent.
Because what that other
Because what that other person/parent doesn't understand that the dirty floor, the filthy counter (with food remains on both), the dishes in the sink, the dirty socks in the living room, etc. add up to another 30 minutes of my time to clean up if I do it, after being away (yes, a sometimes stressful job) from the house for 12 hrs a day. Sometimes I do nitpick because it all adds up (usually around PMS time). And how can anyone else not notice the mess? All people in my house are old enough to clean up after themselves.
I try my best to walk away or ask DH to do it, but 9 times out of 10 he says ok then doesn't do it. I refuse to walk on dried spaghetti in my kitchen. So if I do that, maybe I don't make the coffee in the morning. I do this, then I won't do that.
Thanks for all the input.
Thanks for all the input. It’s good to know I’m not alone in the struggle. I never had this problem with my kids, but I only had 2. I just wish I was not alone in my own house when it comes to things like this. I can handle the missing stuff, it’s very irritating that it’s happening, but my biggest issue is that my wife doesn’t care at all and is more bothered by the fact that I’m irritated by it.
The relationship I have with her kids has suffered because I’ve had to make the rules. When we first moved in together I interacted with the kids and treated them like my own. We would talk and play games and go places together. I knew moving in together was a big change for them too so I observed and tried to learn how they lived and what there routines were. This is going back a ways but have you seen the movie Animal House? I kept expecting there mom to make some rules and enforce some boundaries but she didn’t. The first time I said anything was our first real fight. I understand she will always be protective of her kids, that’s understandable. But to be instantly defensive and argumentative when what I say makes perfect sense to any other parent I know is ridiculous. If she had said something like ”I know things are disappearing and it irritates me too but what can we do?” That would have been sooo much better than “You’re always upset about something”.
I think when we said “I do” it made her my first concern and it made me her first concern. Is that not what “forsaking all others” means? Her kids are coming between us, not because they are completely unruly but because she always puts them before me.
Time to give the bride and
Time to give the bride and each of her spawn a dog bowl complete with each of their names on their kibble bowl and lock everything else up. They can eat out of their dog bowl with their hands and fingers and you can use the dishes and utensils.
That might make the point in a rather innovative way.
Okay, if you don't like that one.... go to disposable paper and plastic.
I would not tolerate the satus quo if I were you though.
Good luck.
I have gone through all of
I have gone through all of those problems and still do.
However you started out saying you were afraid of a fight, I understand not wanting to rock the boat but fight is a part of marriage, constructively fighting, arguing etc can lead to positive change, right now you are just wishing it would get better, you need to express yourself before it worse because it will not get better on it's own.
This is extremely common in
This is extremely common in step families when one or both parents have the permissive parenting style or other family dysfunction (enmeshment/codependency/neglect/etc)
"I think when we said “I do” it made her my first concern and it made me her first concern. Is that not what “forsaking all others” means? Her kids are coming between us, not because they are completely unruly but because she always puts them before me."
Stand up for yourself. Do not accept that blame she threw at you, that you're "always upset" or whatever. Throw it right back at her. "I'm expressing a concern or revealing my feelings and you're just going to attack me?" Or something like that that feels accurate and natural to you. Do NOT let her make it about you and your alleged "fussiness."
You are asking for basic standards of behavior and housekeeping. You are in the right.
It is true you are "the enemy" in your own home. If your marriage is to survive and thrive you have to nip that dynamic in the bud right now and keep it well in hand for years to come because it's like a snaky dragon swimming around the house, very persistent little devil. You're supposed to be her partner, an adult in your own right, a homeowner, and an asset to the family. Do not accept the role of enemy. Call her out on it.