He left.
On our anniversary no less. What a peach right? This weekend I had made no plans. Things have been difficult between us. We wake up and somehow decided to cut the grass and work on the garden. He refused to help me cut the grass. Stood over me and was dictating what I should do in terms of checking oil, etc. he was his usual controlling self and I reacted with a tude. Yes I did. I didn't fasten the oil cap tightly enough and it leaked. The machine started smoking. He ran after me screaming harshly. He was so mean. Got it fixed and finished and I came inside. I did tell him he wouldn't speak to his daughters like that. He followed me in an hour later. Sat down and told me that I was right. He doesn't talk like this to anyone but me so therefore he is leaving. ( not hard because he still has his own house). He makes sure to pack up everything and stuffs his car and leaves. On our wedding anniversary. He did call after 5 minutes asking if I would trot out and talk at a diner. I declined. I think that is best that he plays this out.
Clearly there are huge issues here. I DO think that it is pretty shitty on his part to do this on our anniversary. And this is someone who always claims to be such a rower, so involved, blah blah blah. What consideration.
So a glass or two of wine sounds great right now.
It still hurts. Someone leaving you on your anniversary.
I'm so sorry, at least you
I'm so sorry, at least you can enjoy the rest of the day without being shouted at. Indulge yourself, pamper yourself and enjoy the peace. Maybe it is the best anniversary present he could have given you?
What a complete bio polar
What a complete bio polar tool he is.
You sound like you're okay under the circumstances. It's been a long time coming, hasn't it?
I can't understand him packing and leaving, only to asked you to break bread with him afterwards. You're right - his choice, his consequence. I think I'd get the locks changed, transfer half the $$ out of your joint accounts, and go no contact.
Ask for CASH at the bank
Ask for CASH at the bank tomorrow morning (not a minute later), any other kind of transaction he can get his hands on beforehand, stop you, etc. by tomorrow afternoon. Even if the bank is inconvenienced, they have to give you cash if you make the request. You may have to sit there a while for the bank to gather all the cash for you, but he'll be unable to stop your transaction-- only if you demand cash from the bank. Go put the money only in your name in some other bank for your future needs.
Best advice a banker gave me one day! Back in those days I had nothing in any account but our joint account, and needed money for an attorney.
Do not delay, be the first one in the bank in the morning. Say nothing to nobody about your plans, and if you are asked you are going to work. I recommend NOT going to work until this task is fully completed.
You will not regret it, but might seriously regret you did not do it or waited.
Just saying.....
If it were me I would NEVER
If it were me I would NEVER speak to him again. I'd let my lawyer handle everything. And never acknowledge his existence on the face of this earth.
Or else take a contract out on him. }:)
I'm so sorry this is
I'm so sorry this is happening to you but it's very telling that he admitted that he only speaks this way with you, very telling.
You are going to have to make some hard decisions in the next bit and I wish you all the strength to choose the right path for your future.
I am very sorry for the bad
I am very sorry for the bad treatment. What a nasty, ugly thing to do to you, whether it was an anniversary or not.
Sorry it was you anniversary, it hurts more when someone is so insensitive.
:O
I went to the bank just an
I went to the bank just an hour before I had DH booted to SD's house. Be sure and get on top of it ASAP.
Stick to your guns and wait
Stick to your guns and wait him out too.
He left... call your
He left... call your attorney. Strike first, take it all. Enjoy the new phase of your life adventure.
Take care of you... let him speak sweetly to his daughters.
He left... call your
He left... call your attorney. Strike first, take it all. Enjoy the new phase of your life adventure.
Take care of you... let him speak sweetly to his daughters.
Separations and divorce are
Separations and divorce are really difficult. It sounds as if this was planned and not an impulsive move on his part. Who leaves because of a lawnmower? I just went through this and I believe that my ex actions prior to our separation were carefully choregraphed to elicit the response in me to shift blame. He had planned everything out and I never suspected anything.
The fact that it is your anniversary and it is you cutting the grass and the yelling at you. Go through your mind and look at each scenario and see if it was staged and planned so that he would have an excuse to leave. "You made him angry" through your actions and therefore he is justified in leaving.
Do what the others have told you and get cash and change the locks. Nothing else needs to be done immediately. Try to remove the emotion from what is going on and what you need to do. Money, lawyers, house are all business transactions. That you can handle. In terms of your emotions, find ways to soothe yourself and do not contact him. He will be expecting you to come to him since it is you that made him angry. You need to change that dynamic that it is your fault. It is not, he had this planned to look that way.
abusive men act in cycles and
abusive men act in cycles and its not usually the wifes fault but some sort of trigger. all of it stems from him being insecure.
in this case it was probably the anniversary that made him feel trapped.
do not respond to his need to contact you. its only a control tactic. he wants out, so let him get out. there is nothing to talk about. hed probably blame you anyway.
Sorry your DH decided to
Sorry your DH decided to leave you on your anniversary. Bad timing on his part but he really did you a favor and you will be thankful for it in the future. It seems as if it has been coming for quite a while anyway. Now you can get on with your life. Do not say one more word to him. Let him deal with your lawyer. What he just did to you - especially on your anniversary was cruel. He wanted you to talk to him at the diner because he was hoping you would cave in and go back to life as usual. You do not need this in your life anymore. Please stay strong.
As others have suggested, get the money and see a lawyer ASAP If you have banking online, and you have your own account, you can transfer the money into your account now. In the morning, take the money out and deposit it in a different bank. If the money was partly his, you will eventually have to pay him back part of it, but better YOU have the money for a lawyer.
I'm sorry this happened.
I'm sorry this happened. You're not alone. My cousin's ex-DH had her served with divorce papers on their anniversary.
Definitely contact an attorney. It's always good to have accurate legal advice, even if you decide to hold off.
Marriage counseling might help. My husband has no respect for therapists, and yet it did help us a little bit.
Hang in there!
Congratulations on getting
Congratulations on getting rid of 220lbs of mean drunk. This has been building for a long time. If I remember correctly, you've been regretting this relationship for months.
So, see an attorney ... lock down the bank accounts until the court can place an order ... change the locks on your house tomorrow. He's gone and he needs to stay gone.
Care for yourself and enjoy this new chapter of your Life.
It took me a long time to
It took me a long time to shut it all down (30+ years). It is even more difficult to get a handle on it, when it is let go for so long (my fault).
Now I call my DH on all of his control issues and keep myself in line too.
I set boundaries for myself, DH, and SD56. It is not easy yet, but I will not back track and I should have acted years ago. I knew I should, but never had the "girl gonads". When I had enough, it just came unglued and I acted out of instinct.
I hope forward motion goes into high gear here.
totally agree on this. the
totally agree on this. the man sounds like a narcisist. you will feel better when he is gone.
men like this love their children more than their spouse. this is esp true of steps.
move on and you will feel better. you dont need this abuse.
it could be he is blowing off steam but its abusive anyway. abusive men always threaten to leave. it a trick to try to get the upper hand and make themselfs feel better. he is just an insecure man and you dont need this.
I know my DH and SD are
I know my DH and SD are narcissists; it took me way too long to realize how much they were undermining me.
I was busy with my career and supplying health insurance for us, keeping house, doing yard work, going to events that the narcissist family planned; but in the end I did nothing right; now that I have stood my ground. I am the one that caused it all, I'm not a sane person, on and on; you name it and I'm to blame.
I know better and WILL move forward without this treatment. Oh it's hell to pay now. I'm not saying a word and planning every day. They don't need to know right now; they'll find out soon enough. }:) When a good woman is scorned, there is a price to pay down the road.
Oh Sammi it sounds like you
Oh Sammi it sounds like you have hit your breaking point.
*hugs* for you.
Yes, I hit my breaking point
Yes, I hit my breaking point about a year ago. I have had a rough year, because I set boundaries for myself that has been very difficult to stick to. It's like setting financial goals and then the frig breaks; but it is falling into place.
I will never let my guard down and my SD hasn't seen me mad yet, she just thinks she has; with that said, I've never responded or had words with her. If SD leaves me alone and stays away from me, we're good. If she steps, one time, out of line, with me, she's in for the shock of her life. She will be looking out from behind bars; that is a promise, not a threat. I have the wheels in motion with my attorney and SD and DH have been warned.
I had to protect myself and they just wouldn't take a hint and back off.
I've always been a person who does what I say I will do; consider it done if I say I will do it.
good for you sammi. if they
good for you sammi. if they are so madly stuck on each other and think the bond between a man and his wife is not sacred, let them have each other.
i have some irons in the fire
i have some irons in the fire now. when the time is right and my threshold has been reached, i will make my move. i have an attorney and she is ready to draw up and serve papers.
sd and sd will them deserve each other.
gah - I have no words Hon,
gah - I have no words Hon, just sending you bear hugs..... so sorry it happened on a day that was suppose to be special.
*hugs* Nobody should be
*hugs*
Nobody should be treated like this. You get to feel loved and cherished.
Take care of you.
Try to keep this image in
Try to keep this image in your mind. In a martial arts class I took decades ago. They taught us that when someone is running towards you to hurt you, stay calm and focused.
When they are close to the point where they are going to make contact, just move to the side, and let their momentum carry them pass you.
When my ex was in his momentum and threatening to divorce me because I put a line in the sand. His anger momentum escalated. In the past I would always appease him. This time I used the lesson I had learned and instead of sacrificing my integrity to try to stop the divorce, as that is what he wanted. I let him keep his momentum and I just let him run with it while I just stepped to side and watched in peace.
That is what your dh is doing at the moment he is running with his anger momentum because he wants you to behave a certain way. You have two choices. One, cave in and sacrifice your integrity, peace, self esteem to please him. Two, let him run with his choices and step to the side in peace and watch as he runs past you, until he realizes he has run to nowhere, as he has not affected you.
i know this tactic well. dh
i know this tactic well.
dh goes into fits of rage when his life is not going well. he is still angry that over 20 years ago bm left him for another man. he projects his anger toward her onto me.
i have also learned to sidestep the rage. when he threatens divorce, i say for him to go ahead.
abusive men usually have a
abusive men usually have a "tension building" stage before they explode that has nothing to do with the wife, who sadly endures the venting.
it can be a bad day at work, it can be his fear of growing old (common with abusive narcisists), or for any other reason.
abusive men often explode to release tension over things they cant control then use their wives as punching bags.
its a defence mechanism of a man who is too cowardly to use his own balls to parent his children and he project his own self hate on his wife.
When I see a marital break
When I see a marital break down here on Steptalk, (so frequently it seems) it always makes me want to say my thoughts and prayers are with you. It can happen so suddenly, that the couple goes from a fight over the lawn mowing, to someone moving out.
A separation and a divorce is not the same thing and I would not rush into moves to making it permanent. Right now it is an injury and not a death. Why bury the man and all the years you've invested together, when he may just need a time out to ponder the reality of losing you? There's truth to the saying, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
Lawyers are only interested in money, for them and for their client (in that order) and they don't want you to work it out. They break it down from what was once a beautiful thing into nothing but cold, hard numbers on paper.
If you don't have insurance to pay for a marriage counselor, then there are free ones available.
My sister has been married 41 yrs. and is a marriage counselor, and even she has had a separation one year and they worked it out and she went on to helping others. She even gives me advice from time to time! She never says to me "pack your bags and leave" or "get a lawyer" She is all about saving and restoring people from what seemed like a lost cause. If I had taken her advice I probably would still be married to my first husband and never had to struggle with being a stepmother. I traded one set of problems for a new set of problems by divorcing and remarrying. IMHO.
it appears OP is in an
it appears OP is in an abusive situation. domestic violence programs offer free legal counseling to those in abusive situations.
you dont need a black eye to prove you are abused. emotional abuse leaves no physical scars but causes damage all the same.
one must take a step back to see if the marriage can be saved and then make the best decisions to protect oneself.
When My ex left me with two
When My ex left me with two kids, no money and no job, I got the best advice ever forma priest who told me to protect myself and the kids first and foremost by filing for a legal separation. It would be nice to assume that counseling could be the answer, and it very well might be the answer - after protecting yourself first.
agree about this. protect
agree about this.
protect yourself first. if the marriage can be saved, thats wonderful.
if no, you would have guarded yourself and can prepared for the financial and emotional effects of the divorce.
A friend's ex husband served
A friend's ex husband served her with divorce papers on her 40th birthday - and then had the nerve to say "but it doesn't mean anything - it's just a formality."
Sure hiring an attorney and filing for divorce didn't mean anything but "Happy 40th Birthday". I still hate him 30 years later.
sounds like a passive
sounds like a passive aggressive move to me.
My ex had asked for a divorce
My ex had asked for a divorce on my 29th birthday - and that was the best freaking birthday present ever! Yes it does hurt but once you get some time and distance from the problem, you start to see things more clearly. He sounds controlling and abusive. Get a lawyer and take care of you!
years ago i had a boyfriend
years ago i had a boyfriend whom i had been with for five years. one day he just up and left me and i never saw him again. it was the best thing he ever did for me. it just so happens he was a little bit too close to his smothering mother, so i was way better off. in time i saw this as a very good thing.