Wait, what??? You're saying that 4 children conceived over the span of 10 years to the same man are all results of rape?

Popcorn

It sounds like your partner was indeed raped. This isn't the 1950s when prevailing wisdom held that married women couldn't be raped. That said, you have to disengage from her kids. It sounds like you have helped her do so much, now it's her job to nag the kids not yours. If she won't do this and if you don't disengage, the relationship will not work. Maybe the healthiest thing for you would be to leave. You can't spend the next ten years in your room. If you are not ready to leave, then try counseling. She is right that she could lose the kids. My husband chose to stay with me and be my partner, and his daughter has indeed left our family.

Their feelings nor the why of their feelings matter. What the do and how they behave is what matters. The behavior is what you have to address. You .... and your partner. That means you are going to have to confront her on her issues in all of this, inform her that if you are to be equity life partners that you are also going to have to be equity parents to any spawn in your joint home regardless of the biological relationships of the spawn and make the relationship contingent on her participation in this absolute requirement.

Then you have to set the standards of acceptable behavior in your home and enforce those rules and apply appropriate consequences when the spawn fail to meet those standards. Your partner must enforce the standards and if she doesn't then you must. She can step up and take care of it before you have to or she can STFU and support you while you do it.

No quarter, no deviation, lather, rinse, repeat.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I think maybe just channel your energy into being a good partner, rather than being a parent. Remove your expectations about the children and things are then given the space to develop naturally with the children. Trying to parent other people's children almost never meets our expectations. Take a step back

Look, no matter what the people here say, it's your partners story and whether or not her thoughts are clear she believes she was raped. It's her story. I would encourage you to decipher what's really clear and what may be distortions so you can begin to help her see that she has a great deal more control than she thinks she does. Sometimes in life our experiences make us feel helpless, when in reality more assertiveness will forever change the rest of the story. She does not have to be a victim but no one ever modeled another way of life for her. If you're really committed, this relationship might work but you need to know from the get go that it's going to be a hell of a lot of work. And you cannot be willing to play victim or allow her to play victim.
The first thing she needs is to learn how to set and maintain boundaries to keep herself safe. The second thing she needs to do is set and maintain boundaries for and with her kids to keep them safe. They have never experienced boundaries and at their ages, they aren't going to like them, but they will probably adjust so long as they have the supportive environment to do it in. Your role is not the enforcer. She is the enforcer, you are her support. If she's not committed, you're fighting a losing battle. She's never seen a boundaried world so this is kindergarten for grown ups. And it's kindergarten for the kids who have never known this way of life. I'm not kidding when I say it's going to be a ton of work.
Together you decide what the house rules are and the appropriate consequences for violations. As a unified front-you two sitting next to each other-she talks, you nod... present the rules to the kids. Let them know there are consequences for violations. As soon as that conversation ends the work begins. Consistency is key. No one gets away with not following house rules. Not even once. Remember, you're not the enforcer...you might even have to be the helper. Say one of the kids doesn't take well to cleaning up the kitchen, you choose a part of the job and "help" that kid complete his task. Or perhaps you can make it a game, "if we get this done in four minutes I'll take you downtown for an ice cream cone" (or something else that child might like to do).
If your partner is too tired or burdened with her stuff to begin the boundaried way of life, you will have a very difficult life with her. Her children will never take to you and will always see you in a negative light. Your life will always be a disarray and you will spend more time than you want to holed up in your room. Think long and hard before you commit to this love...her giving and kindness is a byproduct of the suffering she has endured. It's a coping mechanism that may prevent her from being a boundaried woman.
Finally, I hope that the story of being raped by their father has never been shared or even overheard by the children. They are not capable
Of processing that information, and while he may not be a nice man, he is still their father. He has his own background which may have lent to his methods. If the children have heard the story as "rape" I encourage your partner to get those kids some counseling to unravel the reality of their own lives.
Best to you!!

Welcome to step-parenting, whether it be straight, lesbian or bisexual! You have Disney Mom instead of Disney Dad. Kids are spoiled and have no rules. Us second wives walk into a situation that has been in place for years, then are baffled why we are miserable and kids are distant-disrespectful and our partner's have a deaf ear.

You aren't in that long and might want to think about finding a partner without so much baggage. You've been warned. I'm in 7 years, 1 year of child psychotherapy, 1 year of parenting classes (jointly) a psycho Birth Mother who wages war on us in life, by manipulating the children and in court. I'm also in 14k of my retirement money to supplement a losing custody battle to get the kids away from a mentally ill mother. You start off in love, they are the best thing you ever encountered and the most giving, loving people you ever met. Seven years later you are arguing over the laundry because they haven't changed their lax parenting ways, their inability, or unwillingness to fight the abusive ex-wife, husband, whatever. They stick up for their kids against you and you are bewildered when you have given your heart, soul and money to them. My DH is also an abuse victim, whatever that means. I believe it's a personality trait. She is still abusing him and he is still running. He ran to me. Now I have to fight for him and you will have to fight for her-and you will lose. The judges will make sure of that.

Everyone is debating the rape issue. Sometimes marriage is like that. Kids, jobs, housework, animals... Sex is late, quick and exhausted. Everyone has work in the morning. She is calling it rape because she didn't want it or didn't like it, but sex is a part of marriage and frankly, expected. They had four kids. Don't believe the feminist nonsense (I'm a feminist and women's studies major) that just because you say no it means rape. In a marriage we all sometimes say no and the partner is insistent. If she was really raped, kicking, screaming yelling, well, then she should have gotten help before 4 children and that is what people are trying to tell you.

Unless your partner is willing to participate in some serious counseling and set up household rules and boundaries-and be ready to enforce them-you'll be on the hamster wheel like the rest of us. Kids are work and kids from dysfunctional families are trouble-and FOUR of them? I'd go for the auntie role but you are going to need mom's vigilance, and I don't believe you'll get it. If you are the strong one (like me) she will look to you to do it and the kids will always rebel. This is a full time job with no perks, no pay and no days off.

P.S. The final stage of this story is everyone resenting you, not the certificate of appreciation you were hoping for. Trust me on this one. For this to work, seriously, you need counseling now and mom has to set up and enforce the rules. I'd be in a lot better place if I had realized that early on. Weak partners gravitate toward strong ones and they expect us to fix everything, even their kids. Then they resent you for the most menial of requests-like cleaning your damn room and brushing your damn teeth. Get where I'm going with this?