I just don't know what to do

Forums:

I posted this as a reply in another thread but am reposting as a topic because I am at my wits end and need advice on how to cope before I ruin my m. I am at the end of my rope.

My situation is that my Dh's 27 y.o daughter is the only child and was treated like part of the three musketeers growing up rather than a child and a couple.

Yesterday I found out that his yearly trip from work (this is the first year I could go) is scheduled and he is taking DD, not me.

He says it is once a year that they go. But it is also one or two dinners a week, Saturday breakfast and whatever else she needs, including calling at 2 a.m. to pick her drunk as s up from the bar. She doesn't care if she wakes us all up. She won't I interact with me or look at me in the eye and we have almost no interaction.

DH can't figure out why I am upset. I am to the point of disengaging from him because I am tired of coming last.

I don't know if I am ready to

I don't know if I am ready to move on yet. I have considered it. Part of moving on is that I have 4 kids that adore him and it would kill them. But really, what does that matter if their mother is unhappy?

What is so difficult is that he is really good to me 85% of the time. The last two days since I found out I cant be nice. I don't really speak to him unless I have to and I haven't looked at him one time.

When I told him she should not be going he stone walled me. Then he tried to be super sweet all day. I ignored him.

Give him an ultimatum AND

Give him an ultimatum AND tell that stupid bitch ass SD off! I did. It worked like magic. I can't stand his entire rude self entitled family. Hate the jealous, self entitled bitch of a SD and told her to fuck off. My health and happiness comes first and so should yours. Life is too short to put someone else's happiness before yours! I'm older so I no longer give a shit. It's my life and my right to be happy with my man. If he doesn't like it - I told him to step and go live with his shitty old ex family again. I deserve better and so does he. We no longer really speak with his asshole family!

This is exactly what I did;

This is exactly what I did; except I didn't give him an ultimatum; when I was backed into the corner, I had Law Enforcement move DH to SD's. SIL wasn't happy, but not my problem.

DH didn't like that situation for the weeks I had a Court Order for him to not contact me; I also had a Court Ordered Property Possession; DH couldn't step foot on the property, he couldn't take anything but clothing and his toothbrush, if I permitted, and he could not contact me in any way, even third party contact.

We are doing much better and DH is living back home.

It's difficult, but it does work, when you stand up for yourself and continue to stand your ground.

I believe she said she needs

I believe she said she needs him to provide for her four kids because she gets no cs.

Nothing to do with money.

But in a previous post you

But in a previous post you complained about him spending money, when you have four minor kids to raise. You implied you needed his funds.

https://www.steptalk.org/node

https://www.steptalk.org/node/228620

I will be clear. He makes a

I will be clear. He makes a substantial amount of money eyes. It is a great perk. But I don't spend a lot of it, and I could take care of my kids and me if I decided to leave. I don't want to leave, I want him to get his sh+t together and put me first.

Agreed

That's great! Then your

That's great! Then your choices are to accept his relationship as he has shown zero interest in changing or leave.

Lol. I know.

Tbh I don't know what he

Tbh I don't know what he thinks. He does it every year so most of the people know her. Last year it was a cruise. Year before, Bahamas, Italy, the list goes on.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel unloved.

It's really no different than

It's really no different than if you took your own kids to Disney or a water park resort and didn't include him. He's taken her for years. But the year you are free to go, now you think it's a bad thing. Where are your bio-kids this time that you're free to go? IDR if they have an active bio-dad.

Plan a trip with your herd of kids and go do something fun. Nothing says you must sit home.

He used to go with his ex and

He used to go with his ex and daughter. Now he just goes with her. His excuse for not taking me was that I could not go until we had been married for a certain amount of time. Now that we have it is the same. We don't do romantic things. All the fun stuff he does with his daughter. I don't do things with my kids because it is expensive. I try not to waste money. Th point is it is the romantic trip of a lifetime and I am stuck home. Again. As usual. Always.

He won a cooking class for an evening with a famous chef. All the other people took their partners. He took his daughter. They made Canoli, chocolate covered strawberries, fondue. Sound like a daddy daughter date? Happens all the time. Concerts in the park, wine tastings.

If it were one thing that would be different but it isn't.

Wow. Just wow. And you're

Wow. Just wow. And you're still there.

So basically she's his

So basically she's his compannion and emotional partner. You're just there for sex since he can't get that with her.

I am. Everyone asks why he

I am. Everyone asks why he doesn't take me. I have no answer.

I would tell him to make

I would tell him to make arrangements to spend time with her "once a year" when you are unable to go. I know it probably won't work, but have an honest talk with how you feel about her being first, instead of you.

I finally had a talk with DH about the similar treatment; it helped. He still spends time with his kids, and that is as it should be, without me. But his priority 90% of the time is "me". That's all I ask for; my DH spend quality time with me, as well as his grown children.

I don't want to spend time with grown SD and SGD, because they are extremely rude to me; so I'm happy to let DH go it alone. He doesn't like to go without me, that's the major problem. I tell him the cold truth; I don't feel comfortable around them and I want him to enjoy them, so I find something else to do. His visits, now, are far and few between, because I backed off, but set boundaries for our marriage. He is free to do as he pleases, just as I am free to visit my family any time.

Hope you can work this vacation out. Keep us posted.

I am supportive of his

I am supportive of his relationship with his daughter as long as I am the primary recipient t of his affection. As it is I come in third and maybe fourth. I don't go with him when he sees her either.

I really can relate to this.

I really can relate to this. SD is an only child, raised as the most intelligent, most beautiful, the sweetest, the most everything. I guess beauty, intelligence and graciousness are in the eyes of the beholder - mainly the parents. I can remember going on vacations with SD and DH when they would walk in ahead of me on the sidewalk like a couple, I was totally invisible. SD and her Husband never paid for anything but would order the most expensive thing on the menu. I was stupid enough to pay for 1/2 of everything. DH would pull out his wallet like HE was paying for it all - the big shot. When I suggested DH pay for his family and I pay for mine I noticed a strong decline in vacations with SD. Sorry, I got all caught up my experience but one thing I want you to know is I waited WAAAYYY too long to put my foot down.

Your DH is treating SD like a mini-wife - you are just a room mate. Disconnecting from your DH and SD will only make it more convenient for the continuation of their present relationship as it is. He needs to be reminded that YOU are his wife, and you deserve respect as his wife. Start documenting how many times he goes out with SD vs. how many times he goes out with you, also every time SD calls between 10 pm and 8 am. Do this for a specified time. Present the list to him, then tell him you are ready to discuss each others' expectations for the marriage possibly with a marriage counselor. If he will not go with you go by yourself so you can build up self-esteem and confidence enough to insist your DH treat you like his wife or look for the better life you deserve.
»

Every single example you gave

Every single example you gave I have experienced as well. We have talked about his relationship with her and he just sits silently. He has been trying to be nice to me today and make up for it by being talkative to me and nice to the kids and for me that is not fostering any kind of couples relationship. He just lumps me in with ' the family' and his personal relationship is with her.

I have pointed out how often he is with her, how often she wakes us. How couples activities are done with her and not me. I just don't see it changing. If I outright asked him to cancel the trip and use the cash for the house he is buying her he would say no.

You deserve better than

You deserve better than "being talkative and nice to the kids." Is he using your money to pay for her house? It's like she's a 'kept woman'. If you do not see it changing start saving up and planning for an exit plan. You didn't say how old your kids are but do you want them to assume this is a typical relationship between a Husband and Wife? That this is what they should expect from marriage? THEY deserve better too!

Every single example you gave

He's buying her a house?

He's buying her a house? She's 27? Does she have a job? A boyfriend?

I can not imagine my DH treating me like this. I think personal counseling would be beneficial for you. You deserve to be treated as an equal partner that is cherished.

He is giving her a

He is giving her a substantial down payment(30%) so the mortgage will be low enough for her to afford.

Again... I know she is spoilt. But I want them to have a relationship. I just don't want to come in a distant fourth.

I have raised my children to be responsible and not need me as adults. He has done the opposite.

Also, his dd had a boyfriend for five years but he caught her texting other guys and dumped her. He said she was impossible to deal with.

"He has done the

"He has done the opposite."

Because this is the relationship he wants with her. He enjoys her being his mini wife.

You are just there because he can't have sex with her. Sorry, I know that's harsh but can you really say it's not true?

Well ew.

I said that exact comment to

I said that exact comment to my exh. I'm only here because it's illegal for you to have sex with her. And I filed for divorce. Nasty ass idiot men.

Yes, ew! Think about it for a

Yes, ew!

Think about it for a moment, or read your posts.
Whenever a fun, romantic, bonding opportunity comes up he shares it with his daughter. What does he share with you?

Find some hunky guy "friend"

Find some hunky guy "friend" to go on vacation and spend time with. Are you really going to stay home and pine for him while he goes on yet another vacation/date/honeymoon with his daughter?! What a waste of life.

I won't pine for him. I will

I won't pine for him. I will live my life. But I fear my resentment will grow to be unmanageable.

Because this is the

Because this is the relationship he wants with her. He enjoys her being his mini wife.

You are just there because he can't have sex with her. Sorry, I know that's harsh but can you really say it's not true?

This is exactly what I was thinking. You are nothing but someone to have sex with. If you do leave (and I think you should) he will just find another cook,maid sex doll to live with all the while giving all the other 'wife' duties/bonuses (like his job perks) to his daughter.

I don't think this is true.

That's because it grosses you

That's because it grosses you out.

It may not be true but from what you've posted here he is having the relationship that you want with him, with his daughter.
For us reading it he would rather spent his vacation time with his daughter than you. And his other free time as well, the cooking class.
His emotional and social needs are met by her. You fulfill his sexual needs. He thinks his life is perfect.

If this was a secretary or business associate or close friend you'd be worried that he was having an affair. The fact is, if it was any woman other than his daughter he probably would be sleeping with her.

Definitely something I hadn't

Definitely something I hadn't thought of, very insightful and something to consider.

I don't think this is true.

After reading all these

After reading all these responses made me more upset and confused than I was before but I appreciate the thoughtful replies.

So, he prefers the company of

So, he prefers the company of his grown daughter over his wife, and takes the daughter to do couple things, while leaving the wife to sit at home. I would have a real problem with this.

The problem I have with it is

The problem I have with it is huge. I just don't know what I will do about it yet. It really makes me feel like I am wasting my time.

I am all for him doing things

I am all for him doing things with his daughter. But all the things he does with her could be and should be for us because they could be romantic bonding opportunities that go to her and not us. He should be fostering our relationship as a. Couple. Instead it is maybe a camping weekend with the kids here and there but never EVER anything for just the two of us. I would go ANYWHERE with him, my work is flexible. I don't even work summer. If we have a disagreement or I ask him we go to dinner alone for an hour. I wouldn't mind if he took her on big trips if I got anywhere near the consideration she does but I don't and that is the problem. He lumps me in with the kids.

I don't plan big things because he had money coming in and I don't. I could support myself but not much more. I also do little sweet things all the time and it is not reciprocated. I deserve to feel like our relationship is a priority rather than an afterthought.

You are here

I just don't know what to do