SS23 is back
Please bear with me. I am SO unhappy today. Dh is yet AGAIN going to get SS23 from yet another stint at rehab to come live with us and I hate it. I disengaged 2 years ago from his kid and let dh deal with him on his own. After 3 years of dealing with his poor choices in life, I was done. Now, here I am again. Not one bit happy. The ONLY reason I tolerate this person is out of love for my husband. That's it. If anything happened to dh, I'd never see his kid again and would be happy for it. He has caused too much drama and chaos in our lives and seeing my beloved get suckered back into his crap time and time again has been awful. He always says "You hate my kid." Not true. He's just not someone I care to have in my life. He's done nothing with his life for 5 years and every time he falls, Daddy to the rescue. It's disgusting. I want to yell at him to GROW UP and be a man! But, I stay silent knowing he'd "boo hoo" to his father and then I'd be in trouble. Ugh
Someone else said they THINK they love their SS23. I can tell you with all certainty, that I do not. I HAVE 4 adult daughters. I know what love is and what I feel for him , isn’t it. I care about what happens to him, but, since he doesn't seem to care about himself, I've given enough up. He is also (as dh puts it) dumb as a box of rocks. He ONLY graduated from high school at 19 because he lived with us and dh drove him to and from school every day and monitored his progress. Having someone in your home who has no ambition and no motivation and who lays around, invades your privacy and leaves his trash around, etc...who would want that??
Thanks for listening. I'm just so not happy about this and just hope dh makes sure he gets into a halfway house ASAP. Apparently, there's a 2 month waiting list, so I get to endure his presence for that long. Dh says he really thinks he's serious about his sobriety this time and is talking about helping him get his license back and supporting him if he chooses to take a trade program (which I seriously doubt he could do considering his lack of intelligence). I just hate seeing dh getting suckered back into believing his son is "cured" and finally going to get his life together. Of course I would love that to be true,but after the last 5 years, you'll have to excuse my skepticism.
And to make matters worse, dh wants me to make his son feel "welcome". Seriously? This adult person who's been a thorn in our side for 5 years? Don't think so. I keep my distance from him and just wish he'd do the same. He tries to engage me in conversation and I wish he wouldn't. Not interested. When the day comes, he has an actual job, his own place and is actually doing something with his life, then I will welcome him into my home (to visit ). The day he is no longer dependant on his father, will I make nice with him. I know dh hates the way I am with his son, but as I told him, this is my way of coping with his son's crap.
The last 2 years, he has lived in a halfway house and then in an apartment while going through 3 different jobs waiting tables (getting fired from each one). It'seen a peaceful time for me...Dh visiting his son alone, out of our home and not involving me. It's been nice. Now he's right back in my face and in my home.
I am going to visit 2 of my daughters who live in Maui this year and dh actually said something about me not going due to having to help SS23. I told him my trip will cost by far less than his "helping" his son who he's talking about buying a car (granted...it won't be much as we are not rich people) and supporting him if he chooses to take a trade program. If he thought for a minute I'd give up seeing my girls whom I haven't seen in a year for HIS wayward son, he was sadly mistaken. No way THAT was going to happen.
The only thing I have to hang onto is that dh told SS23 that this is THE LAST TIME he will help him and I know my dh. He means it. His older sons went through drug use and he cut them off, so I know he means it.
As much as I love my dh, I do wish I had married someone with normal kids like mine. I just wish SS23 would stay clear of me when I am around. Thank GOD I work full time.
I call bullshit on YOU for
I call bullshit on YOU for this crap. Quit tolerating it out of a misinterpreted sense of "love". You are not only facilitating this but by not ending it immediately you are welcoming it.
So here is a recommended script.
You: DH, he cannot ever enter our home again for anything longer than a short visit. By short I mean no more than a few hours. I do not hate your son. I hate his behavior and I will no longer tolerate his behavior in my home. I will no longer allow his toxic presence and behavior to come between us, to interfere with our marriage, or disrupt our home. If that means his presence in my home will no longer be tolerated then it is what it is. As my husband I require that you put us as your priority and make protecting our marriage your priority. That includes anything regarding your son and his proven history of continued toxic behavior. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and your son, and you, have proven that this does not work. I am ending this cycle now. I love you, I want your son to succeed, but most of all I want him to stop breaking your heart and for you stop letting him break your heart. Hold him accountable, send him out to live his life and deal with it just like everyone else has to figure out for themselves.
Or something along these lines.
End of discussion. Lather, rinse, repeat. It is time for both DH and his son to quit telling you that things have changed and to start showing you they have changed.
Good luck.
What they said. I was the
What they said. I was the one who said I "think" I love my ss23. Right now, I'm pretty sure I don't. I certainly don't like him, and I really dislike his choices and behaviors. Like you, if something happened to dh (god forbid) I doubt I would see ss23 again except perhaps at his wedding or something.
I kind of had it forced on me to let him live with us the first three months, as he was going to grad school in the fall and was working at the same company with dh - so it had a quick expiration date, but grad school got postponed, and now it's almost a year - so if I were you, I'd nip this in the bud right now while you still have a chance! It has been absolute hell for me - no privacy, no quiet time, just awful. I too adore my dh, and I would never "get in trouble" if I said something - that doesn't seem right.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your support and advice.
Unfortunately, dh's ex is mentally ill (think DNA passed down) and lives in another state, so is of no help whatsoever. Dh won full custody of his 3 sons in 1997 due to her mental illness which didn't show up until her late twenties. (It was a "have to" marriage at age 19.) So, SS23 was 4 when dh became the sole parent.
SS34 (dh's oldest son) IS totally mentally ill (Addict) and dh went to all those support groups, etc going through all this with him...and he started this behavior in his early teens! He sent him to a teen boot camp, made him join the army at 18 which he was discharged a year later due to substance abuse. DH took him to his mother and said, "I've done all I can. Your turn." and 2 years later had to go get his son as he was almost dead of alcohol/drug use. He admitted him into a hospital here, got a good psychiatrist involved and took him to court and got him put on disability for mental illness. A doctor actually told dh when this son was 15 that he had never seen such a bad addiction problem...that he lacked whatever chemical in the brain to stop. Dh estranged from him 2 years ago and we see him once a year on Christmas...only because dh would feel guilty if he didn't. Dh knows he only comes to get his gifts as after a few hours, he asks to be taken home (probably needs a drink or a fix). So, after all that, he's tried a different tactic with this son, but still...nothing works. Dh said when we first met 7 years ago that the next thing he would do for his oldest son would be to bury him. He's surprised he's made it this far.
So...last night (SS23's first night back with us), he comes into the kitchen, opens up the fridge (like he owns the place) and says to me, "Do you notice anything different? I've put on weight and have been working out." I responded, "That's good." THEN, he says, "I'm going to look into getting a Y membership." I almost choked, glared at him and said, "You do understand that a membership takes MONEY and a JOB." Wow. The look on his face was priceless...like he was a 5 year old who I had just told he couldn't have a birthday party. SERIOUSLY! He left and went back down to the basement. Later, he came back, asked me a couple questions to which, I didn't even look at him and answered with one word responses. I think that did it. He has avoided me and not spoken to me since. Job done. What I saw and heard out of him last night just cements what I think...that he does not have what it takes to remain sober. I have disengaged entirely and I feel dh has accepted it. I'm glad dh did not offer to take SS23 to an AA meeting last night. In the past, dh has given him rides to work, to run errands, bought him food, etc..., but just by him not offering him a ride to a meeting was good. And, dh knows better than to EVER ask ME to give his kid a ride anywhere. Been there, done that. DONE.
So, this morning, someone was coming to pick up SS23 at 7:30 am. Probably his AA buddy (which is good). Dh and I were sitting on the couch while SS23 was watching for his ride. He said goodbye. I said not a word. Dh and I basically have a don't ask/don't tell policy. I don't ask about SS23 and he doesn't tell...unless it's something positive he knows I'd like to hear...like he's moving out or getting a job. Something like that. I told dh not long ago that this is how I cope in regards to his son and he has seem to accepted it. Tonight, dh may be gone overnight for work at which time I WILL have a talk with SS23 about what I expect during his time living with us and let him know that it is a PRIVILEGE, not a right to be in our home. He is not a guest as a guest is someone who lives elsewhere and comes to visit. He is NOT that, so he will follow our rules and yes...if broken...he will be gone. However, I know dh...he lets little things slide and the only deal-breaker for HIM is alcohol/drug abuse. He has kicked his son out for that before and wouldn't hesitate to do it again. However, I do get bothered by him being in our basement and not keeping it neat or clean and not working...depending on US for everything.
As for money, dh and I have always had a joint account, but he makes much more than I do, so I look at it as HIS money being spent on his son as that kind of money, I couldn't afford alone.
As for Maui, that's a non-issue. Dh KNOWS I'm going, regardless of what he thinks. End of story.
As for SS23, I do believe he's gotten the message from me...loud and clear.