Wondering is it all worth it

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Hi All,

New to this so please bear with me.

I dont really know where to turn as I do not want to really involve my own family as do not want them to worry etc

So I am with my boyfriend 5 years, we are engaged, living together very happily etc. He has a 12 year daugther. Things are strained between him and his childs mother, she calls all the shots, under strict time schedule etc but from day 1 i have accepted his child and treated her as I do my own nieces / nephews....

Heres where it has all gone wrong...

Boyfriend had a major op, out of work for 8 months.... his daughther visited him in hospital with his mam and dad, my OH asked did she want a bag or crisps she said no then 10/15 mins later she has can she have the popcorn I said have a bag of crisps instead leave the popcorn for your dad as thats the only thing he specfically asked for while in hospital. She went home crying to her mother said I gave out to her and now doesnt want me picking her up.... Some of you might not agree with but I dont think I done anything wrong, if it had of been my own niece / nephew id have told them the same. THis is after her grandad already have her 20 pound and bought her stuff in the shop prior to hospital.

This has hurt me greatly as I am very good to her and all his family say the same, I organse cakes for her bday, treat her to days out, make a fuss of her when she comes over, nice dinners etc as I do my own family.

I just dont know where to go from here... I dont even know if I am looking for advice or just to get this off my chest

Welcome gertie, technically

Welcome gertie, technically you did nothing wrong. In the eyes of a tween you committed a cardinal sin. Ignore it and carry on regardless.

Okay well this is a complex

Okay well this is a complex one. I hope your partner is recovering.

If you stay you need to go into this with eyes WIDE OPEN. You need to recognise mom is a control freak who has your partner by the short and curlies and will attempt to swing every decision in her favour.
You also need to recognise that you will be the bad guy just because it is convient for people to put the blame on you. BM is most likely poisoning her daughter against you and teens are a rocky place to start from.

Now I need you to be honest with yourself for one minute- your partner in hospital, your stressed, etc- where you sharper with her than normal because of this stress? It can happen to anyone and doesn't make you a bad person but it may be something to acknowledge if it happened. If you were perfectly normal voiced, then I have to say what the hell? Okay it's stressful when dad in hospital but she got plenty money and treats and plenty support at the hospital. It can be scary to see her dad in hospital but this seems like a mix of pure toddler and teenage angst - however she would be under stress with dad in hospital and if you got on well before this may be s one time thing

You say your partner has surgery 8 months ago? Has she held this popcorn grudge for 8 months? Is it just your not allowed to pick her up yet she is fine with you when she is there? If it is the latter, then I suspect this may be more BM not wanting you to pick up her precious commodity and is using this as another way to control your partner.

I would also tell you this: all the nice things you do for her don't count, you see that now in how you are taken to task of the minute. If you stay, you would have to stop doing everything for her. This could cause everyone to turn on you for not catering to her needs as you have.

So these are the harsh truths I can give you; it's not easy by a long shot and you mostly end up the villain. If your young I say get out.
If you love him so much that you feel you must stay then you must
- explain to partner you won't be held to ransom and he needs speak to sd about it
-stop doing anything for her but accept there will be backlash
- stop involving yourself in custody arrangement etc
- try to run errands go out on day she is over
If you have a partner willing to stand up to daughter for you maybe stay
But what you see in the aftermath of this event- if she gets away with this behaviour if dh just folds and makes excuses then this will be it forever
This event is minor but it sets the precedent for everything else from now on
And there will be other events like this. And it will be like a court of law- follow the prescedent and not common sense

He is just 5 weeks after

He is just 5 weeks after surgery and we have not seen her since, she has been busy! Her mother did have a problem with my OH not being able to pay her full maintenace while he is out of work so we think that is also why we have not seen her. His daughter forgot her Dad was in hospital and didnt even ring him / text him to say hope all is ok.

I know I wasnt sharp with her as we were all in the room all was ok at the time her father remembers the incident and says she is being ridiculous and she is very spoilt always has been by the mother.

Yes she is fine with me when she is with us, we get on well chatty, gives me hugs when she leaves etc so I am wondering where has this all stemmed from and it is very upsetting for me.

His family have told me to not do things for you no more they know she is a difficult child and a very difficult situation.

I am 33 and deeply love him but I just am so tired of all the hassle there is always something every few weeks with "you are 5 mins late" "you owe me this" etc etc

Yes it is only minor but the way I see it if we let her win / away with his behaviour it sets the stage for her to know she will always have the upper hand.

He is just 5 weeks after

Yes she is fine with me when she is with us, we get on well chatty, gives me hugs when she leaves etc so I am wondering where has this all stemmed from and it is very upsetting for me.

His family have told me to not do things for you no more they know she is a difficult child and a very difficult situation.

I am 33 and deeply love him but I just am so tired of all the hassle there is always something every few weeks with "you are 5 mins late" "you owe me this" etc etc

Yes it is only minor but the way I see it if we let her win / away with his behaviour it sets the stage for her to know she will always have the upper hand.

I completely agree and I just

I completely agree and I just read your #4 link and thank you, thank you, thank you. It totally helps to read what you wrote!

Thanks all. I never talk to

Thanks all.

I never talk to BM anyway... new to this so just looked up what some of the lingo means lol
She has never made the effort anyway I dont know why she is since married and has 2 other kids.

Ok I will do that, I dont want this coming between us.

Yes I agree she is not an easy child to get on with and also has very little relationship with her Aunts we have told me they find it hard to talk with her etc.

What is COD?

I will have a read of the link, thanks

I am feling a little better now.

COD - child of divorce aka

COD - child of divorce aka speshul snowflake

Ha ha thanks guys... I have

Ha ha thanks guys...

I have called her a few choice words over the past few days!

They sure do know how to manipulate especially at such a young age but then again she is like a 16 year old.

I have told my SO that I will have no involvement anymore... I will not ruch home from work when she is with us during week for family dinner time or on a Saturday I will not be the one rushing home from my day with friends/family to make dinner etc... She has her confirmation soon I will not organise the meal out, cake, card, present or anything as I did for previous occassion, birthdays / christmas I will not be making sure she has a cake card present...

Maybe she will realise maybe she wont but I dont care anymore...

Ha ha I have thought alot

Ha ha

I have thought alot over few days since this came to our knowledge that she went crying to BM...

And after all the helpful replies I realised I am not alone in thinking or being treating like this...

I can be very evil and I will be... I will bring my nieces / nephews out and leave her behind with her Dad and then she will realise...

Please don't think this will

Please don't think this will change her behaviour. It doesn't usually work like that. Do not set yourself up for another disappointment. Additionally can I ask you to rethink being "evil". It's one thing to disengage and let nature take it's course. It's another to purposefully choose to alienate and antagonize another person.

No I wont be deliberate evil.

No I wont be deliberate evil. I have read the article in the early post about dis engaging and that is exactly what I will do it is the best option.

Oh I wont do anything on

Oh I wont do anything on purpose but I am not going to cut short days out because she has to be home at a certain time as I have done before I will simply just do things without her.

It isnt really in me to be evil but I will certainly not go out of my way to make sure she is included in things anymore change days / times etc to suit her it will simply be a case if you cant go today or need to be home at X time I am sorry but we are going without you.

Now I am sitting here

Now I am sitting here wondering how I got myself in this situation?

I have accepted SOD since day 1, have always been nice too her, etc etc and now I am being made to be the baddie...

My SO agrees that she cant get away with this and that if each time she doesnt get want she wants she cant go crying to BM even when he puts his foot down.

Just finding it hard as the day sets in and I sit her thinking

Save yourself all the

Save yourself all the thinking, gertie.

To answer your "wondering" in your original post:

99% of stepkids are NOT worth it, so give your attention, love and energy to people who are. <3

^Sadly this is true. Not

^Sadly this is true. Not because they are inherently horrible; but because of the drama, manipulation and PASing that comes with divorce.

First, welome. I hope you

First, welome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, pick up some uselful perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.

You did the right thing and handled it well IMHO. As for hurt .... meh. Why let a bratty manipulative kid hurt your feelings?

She is a 12yo kid in the perfect situation to manipulate and play both sides against each other and that is exactly what she is doing. No need to be hurt about it. She won't recognize what you are doing for her at this age anyway. She may realize in hind site when she is older but ... that is not likely given what many people experience with Skids.

Stay focused on the equity partnership between you and your SO and do not let the Skid distract either of you from that sole and unequivocal priority. When that kid is in your home you are an equity parent to her no less than your SO is and far more than the BM is. Quit letting this hell spawn play you.

Take care of you, take care of your relationship with your SO, and good luck.

Thats for all the comments

Thats for all the comments and advice.

I admire you for walking away.... right now that is what I feel like doing...

Luckily for me she doesnt live with us.... I think that is what has saved our relationship so far.

I will see what tomorrow brings. The BM, SO and SD are all having a chat which is long overdue should have happened 12 years ago when they split...
My SO agrees with me that she cant keep running to BM when she doesnt get her own way both with me and her Dad... My SO is not one for confrontation and I guess this is why he has let the BM walk all over him for years aswell... I told him he needs to stand up to her and not bow down to her rules and regulations... he doesnt even know her friends as when he has asked SD does she want to bring friends over / on birthdays out, SD says ask my Mam or Mammy said they dont know you....

This talk will take place in our house on saturday evening... He has made a list of all the things from no involement in school, time restrictions, etc well thats if the brat doesnt kick up a fuss... SO asked will his sister sit in on it but the SD doesnt like talking in front of other people....

I love my SO so much but I am just fed up of it all... there is always some hassle most months with BM on to him about money, texts when hes 2 mins late, it goes on and on.

Fingers crossed all goes ok tomorrow

Ok I will need to step up

Ok I will need to step up myself and be a bitch towards the BM.... we never have had any contact anyway she has never made the effort and suppouse neither have I. I dont want her as a friend so why would I talk to her anyway

I am just worried that SD and BM will start making things up about me while I am not in this meeting to defend myself because I know in my heart of hearts I have always been nice to SD and I know not to rock the boat we both know cos we know she is quizzed after she has been with us and watches and listen to ever word we say and reports back to BM this is not only with us with my SIL says the same.

ok I really am gonna try not

ok I really am gonna try not let it bother me... I have spent the week letting it get to me, arguing with SO, crying, etc

How can a young child be so manipulative... its scary...

Thats exactly what I am

Thats exactly what I am trying to get my SO to do... to believe in himself again... the BM has constantly made him feel worthless and not good enough...

You are very wise Sally, the words of encouragement and advice are helping me alot.

Luckily she is only with us 2

Luckily she is only with us 2 days, mid week then a Saturday, with no sleepovers, I always wanted to be there to create the "family" environment... eat dinner together, catch up, watch TV...

I will be glad to be FREEEEEEEEEE

I was thinking why should I not be in MY house when SD is there but means I will get to spend more time with my own family, people who I actually really love and care about... Right now I couldnt care if i never see the brat again.

gertie should schedule "one

gertie should schedule "one on one" time between her H and SD. During that time, go do your thing. It takes a lot of stress off. You don't have an ours, so there's no conflict or missing out for DH.

I know, really

I know, really stupid...

Thats what I am gonna do... I am for sure gonna do my own thing, I was always the one rushing home but no more...

It will be hard but I definetly think I can do this "disengaging" I have printed the artile Sally including and I will read this regularly.

I have scrolled thru some of the post and reading them makes me see i am not alone.

sounds really good Sally... I

sounds really good Sally... I really am gonna take this advice on board, sure why not... I love a bit of people watching myself

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Wondering is it all worth it