I am with Sally. It takes time to make peace with it. I've been here almost a year now. I only do for my H and I only engage when it impacts me or my daughters. For motivation I read that link weekly. It's how I eventually got to a place of peace with my SS.

why does the OP feel that way ? Is your Partner/ DH making you feel guilty ?

I felt bad at first and I still feel bad once in awhile. But then I just remind myself that I stopped doing as much for SD7 as I used to because both of her parents made it very clear that they didn't want me involved. Then I feel better about it.

It does take awhile to get used to, but it's made my life easier for the most part.

When I stopped caring, I mean "I don't care", I felt like a bad person. After six years of disengagement, I am at peace.

My marriage and my life has changed with DH. When I chose disengagement, to give myself some peace and privacy, I knew I was opening the door of revenge.

My Skids are grown and it is much easier for me. I can't say what I would do with small children or teens. It would be difficult for sure.

I like the article and I believe Dad's just don't get it, when a SM is really trying.

I used to feel guilty but I am now over that.
I felt guilty, helped with something, it would backfire and I'd be mad and frustrated again. THAT is what I couldn't take any more.

I've been so much more happy and relaxed this past month, and I know DP has noticed.

It's hard sometimes to not say anything...when SD12 leaves stuff all over the kitchen and I have to wait until DP gets home and have HIM clean it.
Or see SD9 come upstairs dressed for school in the exact same clothes she's been wearing for days, including socks, AGAIN (this happened again today, all last week and the last time they were with us too, she's putting on pjs at night, but putting on the clothes she wore the day before instead of clean clothing, which she has). But DP needs to recognize this, not me.

Basically my SDs are old enough to know how to take care of themselves, if they've been taught how. If they haven't then that's on the parents and is not my problem to solve.

I'm with you, the full disengaging is not quite working in my situation. The problem is that my SKIDS are nice boys and that they love me. Even though SS10 is very hard to love because of his issues, I feel like we've worked so hard to get to this point, that I value these relationships.

The other problem is that I have other kids in the house that are of similar ages, and it's really hard to parent people differently. I think I've been successful by treating everyone the same way and making them feel like they're all part of a unified family, so I don't want to mess that up.

So, I'm doing a modified disengaging.
1. I've COMPLETELY disengaged from BM. I was still communicating with her new partner and doing some exchanges. I've dropped that entirely, and that's good for me.
2. I'm disengaging from MIL as much as possible. This is my second un-loving, un-gratefful MIL and I refuse to go through this again. She really was making me feel criticized and unappreciated, so I'm done with her. Makes DH sad, but she sabotaged marriage 1 and he knows he can't let her sabotage marriage 2.
3.I'm pushing more parenting onto DH as far as my SKIDS. I don't automatically do their laundry, I don't auutomatically pick them up, I ingore homework, I ignore school paperwork... within reason. I still want to be DH's partner, and help him the way he helps me, so if I see important paperwork that's needed for school, or if I notice that someone's PE shirt is dirty, and they need it, I will alert him. And he's very grateful, so that's ok.
4. I stopped (or am trying to stop) being the bad guy as far as the SKIDS are concerned. These guilty dads put us in the bad cop role and I hate it. So... I'm pretending to be more of a grandparent figure. Lot's of hugs, and "good job!".

That said, I can't ignore all bad behavior because I have other kids in the house... I focus on "these are the rules for everyone" so that my youngest doesn't emulate bad behavior.

I don't feel bad about modifying the disengaging technique. In the end it's supposed to make us feel better. If it's making us feel worse (and guilt sucks), then it's ok to modify it.

I think wth all techniques (diet, exercise, etc), there's never a one-size-fits-all solution. In the end, find what works best for you.

I only got to the third paragraph in the link Sally posted before I got pissed off! While I don't disagree with the essay's core meaning of disengaging, I do whole hardheartedly disagree with saying that men and women convey different facets of life to their children. Women tend to be concerned with socialization: manners, morals, respect, appreciation, cleanliness, thoughtfulness, etc., as well as physical and emotional health.

Well that’s some BS! I’m a man and maybe the minority here by calling myself a real man if that’s what other men do. If that’s the case, they don’t even deserve to be called men, maybe man/child? But who's fault is that? You ladies married them. I expect every last one of those things and many more from my kids and my SD. I have a buddy who has a son and remarried but he’s like me, he’d choke slam his son before he ever let him disrespect his SM or anyone else for that matter. So no, real men are not inept and only think about touchdowns, batting averages, spelling bees, "accomplishments".

I know that if were to end up divorced and remarried, I wouldn’t hesitate to have a come to Jesus with my kids. Which would include loosing personal items, a spanking and whatever else I want to throw in there if my DD’s EVER disrespected their SM. And I love my kids more than life itself, but that’s just me.

I think and I dare say its bio’s in general that don’t uphold those expectations in blended families. Because they’re afraid of hurting their kids feeling when they think they’ve already gone through enough and we as steps don’t have a bio feeling towards their troubled kids like they do. We expect them to be model citizens just like we do from our kids. It’s our stupid fault for marrying into this mess and we’re solely here to be doormats by shitty troubled kids regardless how awesome you are.

Which has lead me to my own variation of disengagement. My super special SD has decided to throw the, you’re not my dad and I shouldn’t have to listen to you BS at me the other day. That was the final straw for me. I do so much for that little shit, she can suck it! I refuse to extend a helping hand to a child that disrespects me when I’m the one raising her to be a good kid. I took her in, gave her a great life and I’m helping her mother pick up the mess her sperm donor left in his wake.

Yet, for whatever reason, I’m a second class citizen in my own house. My DW isn’t any less supportive than what’s expected, minus a well-deserved slap to the mouth and butt on SD here & there. It’s these freaking kids! It doesn’t seem to do any good to talk to them, you have to tear them down, repress them a little and rebuild them together. We need to save these kids, our society is already screwed up enough as it is and with so many blended families out there that end in failure, the cycle of troubled people keeps overlapping.