So fed up.
I have reached the end of my rope.
Hanging by a lose thread that us unravelling a little more each day.
Keep thinking mid life crisis has found me, but I realize it is much more.
I am done.
Fed up.
See no reason to go on.
I met a patient today who had tried to end his life, it struck me particularity hard.
Why, because I am done.
I sit here crying alone, not feeling sorry for myself, just taking stock.
I hate my life.
I see no joy, no happiness, no hope.
I vent here.
I read the entries.
I truly believe that my SS and DH have broken me and my DD.
All I have left is apathy towards the next day.
There is no laughter, no fun, no love, no friendships, no respect.
I hate my SS, I dream of his demise.
I have learnt to despise my DH, I hope the phone call from an unknown number is a police officer telling me he has died just so the yelling will stop.
I know my DD needs me right now, but she has seen so much disrespect towards me that she must think it is ok, as she now mimics this behaviour.
I want someone to enfold me in their arms, soothe me, tell me everything will be okay, stand at my back, be my supporter.
No-one would miss me if I was gone.
I am replaceable in my job.
My DH life openly admits he would not stay alone.
I am definitely not needed in my Ss's life.
My parents live half a world away and dote on my older sister, they recently came to visit stayed at my home and spent every minute with her.
My DD will soar without the millstone of my failed relationships, and my apparent over protectiveness and inability to let her make her own mistakes.
I want to run away, to make the pain stop, I see no way out from the responsibilities of job, home, family, bills therefore I feel like my only release will be in death.
Speaking of which i recently found out that I have an anyuerism.
My doctor said let go of the stress, my entire life is stress - nothing more.
So girls and guys....I vent, I cry, I reason myself another day.
Tell me why I should bother!
Not feeling sorry for myself, just resigned that life is not what I want, no brass rings left or the energy to reach them.
Simply B, your DD needs you.
Simply B, your DD needs you. She is 18? She needs your love and your guidance in her life. She needs her mother. Please find the strength to go on for one more night and make tommorrow the first day of your new great life.
Leave your DH if that is the right thing for you to find happiness again. But please, please make a phone call and get help right now if you need it.
I am not in danger of harming
I am not in danger of harming myself, just stuck in drudgery, perpetual and inescapable.
Sorry, turn off the alarm bell. I reread the post, just in a dark place.
SimplyB - you need to find
SimplyB - you need to find some help, now, tonight. Please call the number sanecatlady gave you. There are local suicide prevention hotlines as well. You said a patient tried to commit suicide today - if you are in the medical field is there a help line or support group you can contact?
In one of your previous entries you said you have cut yourself off from your friends. Why don't you try calling one of them? Maybe meet for coffee? Getting yourself out of the house and in different surroundings might help you look at things in a different light.
I know right now you think no one would miss you if you were gone. You think your daughter will be better off without you. Trust me, this is not true. People will miss you and your daughter needs you.
You have a lot of problems to deal with. Do it one step at a time. Right now you need to figure out how to make it through the night. Tomorrow you can decide on one thing to do.
SimplyB.. it does NOT have to
SimplyB.. it does NOT have to be this way.
You need to extricate yourself from this situation. You were not put on this earth to be the virtual punching bag of your DH and SS.
There are worse things than being alone. Sometimes the biggest paralyzer is when we feel helpless and hopeless. But, you DO have options.
You need to figure out how you can move on to a life without your DH. Financially, you may have to compromise.. maybe have a room mate.. you may want to look for a better different job. What do YOU want to do? What do you want out of life? It might not be a 100% fast cut the cord thing, but sometimes just making the plan and putting it in motion can empower us that we are not helpless and just adrift.
Some kind of counseling could help I think. But, taking control by figuring out what you want.. and making a plan to achieve it are good steps that will help to bring you out of your funk.