Custody Change
I have sd 6 who is having a hard time with the current custody schedule and has been for some time. She sees a therapist and the therapist thinks we should fight for full custody. Currently we hold primary custody for school jurisdiction. It is 2-2-3 schedule and we get her usually every morning before school and every afternoon after school. but she has always struggled with having to leave our house to go to her mothers house which she calls Kirks house (which is her mothers husband). Now her mother is about to add another girl to the mix in may. She is pregnant and sd does not want that child. She talks about how she hates the idea of having that child and the therapist is trying to work with her but not making any progress and is very nervous about the child being born and the transition for sd. We have been waiting to even discuss the idea of getting child full time because well she needs her mother in her life and lets be honest not a lot of judges are going to think that a 6 year old knows what she wants and that a father is a better choice for a girl at that age.
I am just looking for input we have tried working with the other household in making things similar, but that only last for a few days and we don't have the problems with homework, her health or stress at our house. I feel we provide the more stable household and i am sure many people will bash me for that because I am just a step parent, but I am a bio mom to two children as well. My ex knows that my 5 year old daughter is better off with me because I provide the stable house and he doesn't fight it plus she isn't a priority in his life. She is thriving with my husband as her "real" dad. (her words).
My sd 6 asks her father why he can't make things better and have her at her real home all the time. She tells her dad for all holidays that she wants is to live with us all the time. She even tells the therapist, but we are at a loss because we don't want to waste money, our time or stress the sd out even more by going through a court battle that we will mostly lose and just end up with the same custody schedule we have now.
This is kind of rant rather than a question. But has anyone ever gotten full custody of their child because of the child being extremely stressed, having trouble with the schedule and its affecting school and health. She doesn't have friends because she is so stressed the therapist said that she can't think about anything else but the schedule. We just don't like having her upset because of the schedule.
This kiddo sounds like she's
This kiddo sounds like she's stuck in a major loyalty conflict. I'm surprised that the therapist isn't working on that with her. Is there abuse or something at the other house that's making her feel so bad about being at her mother's and/or that's causing her to reject the concept of the new sibling?
Have you considered modifying to a schedule that isn't 2-2-3-3, but still allows her to be 50/50 with her parents?
I agree with this suggestion.
I agree with this suggestion. I know two families this works well for. One week on one week off. Sunday to Sunday. Sunday afternoon before dinner is exchange for both daughters. Whoever has the child for that week is responsible for every single thing. Proving lunches for school, doing homework, drop offs pick ups, medical care if needed, speaking to teachers if needed.
she won't consider it. She
she won't consider it. She has filed twice for full custody and lost both times.
We would give the mother EOW
We would give the mother EOW keeping her current weekends now so weekend plans won't change. And holiday schedule can stay the same. and we would offer mid week dinners.
I can't tell you what happens at the other house I just know she doesn't want that sibling, she doesn't like being there and I know that she always does really well with us at our house. The therapist said that we need to try and get her excited about their new baby and continue to do what we are doing at our house, but show extra support for that house to help her. But we have three kids and we are running our house we don't have time to support another house especially if our daughter is so against that house. We want her to feel like she has an outlet with us and can talk to us about everything which she does but I don't want that to change because we are pushing the other house on her
What does SD's therapist say
What does SD's therapist say when you start with the "our daughter " ?
Perhaps why the therapist recommends you be more supportive of BM's home.
my husband has called his
my husband has called his lawyer today and is scheduling a sit down then we have to schedule mediation before we can file an amendment. but is it bad that i hope she folds in mediation. because this is what is better for the child. stability and somewhere she wants to be
I can't help but feel like
I can't help but feel like there's more to this story... BM has petitioned for full custody twice and now you all are wanting to get full custody for yourselves with an every other weekend schedule for BM? And all of this because a 6 year old hates the idea of getting a sibling and "needs stability?"
I'm not hearing that there's even a suspicion of abuse or mistreatment. You've referenced instability at BM's, but you haven't given any information about it. And there's clearly not PA happening at BM's, or she would be stressed at your house instead of the other way around.
I'm sorry, but I'm just not seeing cause for a change. Maybe she'll "fold" in mediation as you say, but the whole thing smells off to me.
I'm just going to throw it
I'm just going to throw it out there that if a therapist says your DH should go for full custody because a six year old doesn't like the idea of a new sibling you need to fire her. That's life and she needs to accept it and move on. A new sibling is not something you can get full custody for and a judge will be pissed if this is what you bring him. Maybe try going to mediation to switch the schedule to less movement but same time ratio.
If there's more to it than "sd doesn't like going over there" then I suggest going to a 5 and 2 schedule. Weeks with dad and weekends with mom. You say y'all don't have trouble with homework. Fine. Do it. Or even go for 5 and 2 with BM getting Wednesday afternoons for a couple of hours plus weekends. That's pretty fair.
The 2-2-3 schedule was
The 2-2-3 schedule was suggested by the lawyers and the guardian and the parents thought that would be best since before that the mother never had the child because she was too busy with her new bf . which they are now married.
The therapist isn't telling the father to go for full custody just because of the child. that is just been the main topic of discussion lately for the sd. Its too much bouncing around for the child and The therapist thinks the mother and sf don't put the child first or think of the child when making decisions. and she could tell that when she met with each set of households. and has been seeing the child since Aug and sd tells her things about each house and why she wants to be at one house more than the other etc.
She never discusses the child at our house. we bring the new baby and tell her we could go shopping for the new baby for the baby shower etc and she doesn't answer us and says she doesn't want to talk about it. so its now our new baby its her mothers and we told her she should be excited since she will have siblings at both houses. She has told the therapist she is afraid of being forgotten.
The mother has moved 3 times in 3 years. On the mothers days. the child bounces from the sf parents, to the nana to the sf. They never have just one person watch her if she is out of school and they are working. (I am a stay at home mom so yes I am always available, but she would rather have her child jump from person to person and end up staying with three people in one day).
she requests our house do homework because she doesn't have time for it at her house. the child doesn't take her medicine regularly over there or the vitamins that have been prescribed for her. She has a constipation problem and has for year. she doesn't have bowel movements over at that house for whatever reason. She wakes up at 530 which would be fine if it was her normal schedule. but at our house she doesn't get up until 730. The responsibilities (yes even for a young child) are completely different at each house. We have them at our house even though we have tried to work together on that. She was even baffled that we made our children have chores. S
It does sound like stress to
It does sound like stress to me. I had a foster child once with extreme constipation, he was holding it for control. After seeing a counsellor and therapist is was the reason I was told. He had no control over his life, no control in anything except when he could poop or not. It is damaging. It still is on going and he is nine.However, a judge is not going to automatically place full custody in your spouses care without better reasoning. Family courts look at both sides of stories and yes they only think about the child not what the parents feel. They expect evidence. Always keep this in mind when presenting your case in court -always in the best interest of the child, not you or your spouse. You also do not want to give the courts any reason that you do not support the biological mother as a judge may suspect your spouse and yourself are alienating the mother from her child and this is now under abuse at least in Canada. Also the idea of a new sibling being born is apart of life, anyone will feel this way. The child needs the therapist to help her deal with these emotions she is experiencing, jealousy, spite, anger, fear. The biological mother and step dad also need to be involved with how to deal with this -not so much yourself and your spouse. tHe therapist is right though about having yourself and your spouse supporting the child and the sibling . If the child feels or assumes and negative impression from the two of you regarding this child, a the child will feed off that. She needs to know that a sibling is not going to take away her biological mothers love for her, or you'd and your spouses love for her that.
She needs to see that all of you support her and work together for her best interest. The custody arrangements sound ridiculous in my opinion but then again I don't work in family law. Even if you do not end up with full custody, sounds like you can advocate for a better access agreement plan for the child, and make sure you advocate for the child and that the two of you are a big support in her life.
Let's say dad is rewarded
Let's say dad is rewarded full custody. What happens in a few years when the kid hates being at dad's house and says she wants to live with mom full time? Will dad agree to change custody because that is what b will make the kid happy?
Six year olds don't get to dictate where they live. The 2-2-3 schedule is nuts. 50/50 be better.
I don't agree with this, at
I don't agree with this, at all. We have this schedule and it works very well for us. In fact we have this schedule because the kids asked for it, they didn't want to be separated from either parent for too many days at a stretch. They were older though, 10 and 12 when the Schedule was changed (their mother used to have full custody, we fought for 50/50 as the kids wanted to spend more time with us).
Let's be honest, even in the best of cases divorce is awful for a child - there's no escaping that to see one parent they have to leave another. And don't even get me started on PAS, abuse from one parent to another, etc etc etc. Sadly it's always going to be a compromise for the children, never an ideal situation.
Your children were ten and
Your children were ten and twelve and old enough to have a voice about their situation. This step daughter is only six and the courts don't really take in consideration or hear a child that young unfortunately. child at age twelve can choose which parent they want to live with legally, and the courts 9/10 times will grant that parent custody unless that parent is deemed unfit - drug abuse/addiction alcoholism sexual abuse or history of multiple prison time. One of the only ways for s child that young is if the ministry was involved, meaning some sort of abuse was happening and social seizes stepped in and in that case they legally have to advocate for the best interest of the child, that is there job but we all know that doesn't always end up being good. However even if a child over the age of 12 (teenage years ) still wants to live with an unfit parent and the courts did not grant that wish, that child can easily run away to that parents home even if it is an unhealthy life style and the law cannot do much about it. Sure you can get the police involved to bring the child back but they only do that so many times. Youth foster children are run always ALL the time (usually back to unfit bio parents) and social workers/ministry cannot do much about it but provide some sort of support or safe housing (youth shelter) If things get rough. They cannot force a youth to stay at a home they do not want. I worked in the ministry and seen this happen lots. Our job was just to make sure the youth was getting food clothing and shelter didn't matter where. In my opinion society has made it where parents don't have much control over their youth children once they become teenagers they can almost do whatever they want.