Why do adults get the kids involved??
I've been posting A LOT in the last few days. I'm just so frustrated.
Here's yet another issue...
BM proposed the holiday schedule in November and we accepted. She now has changed her mind after she supposedly only just realized that we had multiple weekends in a row (which she couldn't figure out in November when SHE proposed it??). She claims the skids were upset to be missing her BF's kids and asked for a swap in days. We have holiday plans, BUT in case the skids were legitimately upset, we looked at our plans and offered a split of the weekend - ie we have Saturday and she take Sunday (in exchange for another day). She refused the quite logical and more than reasonable compromise (because we were within our rights to tell her to F*** off) and threw a giant tantrum.
DH picked up the skids yesterday for the start of our weekend and ss9 immediately started giving him grief IN THE DAYCARE about taking BM's weekend and using BM's words verbatim. DH pulled him aside and told him, as we do, that this was not a matter for kids and for the adults to handle. He also said that ss's attitude is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. DH got attitude until he got home and then they were relatively normal.
Ss said NOTHING about the BF's kids, but he did say "you better be taking us to see Star Wars because Mommy was!". I really wanted to get a refund on our tickets when I heard that. How dare he DEMAND we take him to something that was supposed to be a nice pre-Christmas treat. If they were refundable, I'd take them back!
And THAT - Star Wars - is exactly what DH and I thought. It had NOTHING to do with the BF's kids, they have yet to be mentioned by the skids. She just wanted to take them to Star Wars ahead of us. Really???? BM asks us to rearrange our plans then throws a giant tantrum over a movie (and I'm a full-fledged nerd/geek). Unbelievable!!!!
They're always rude and full of attitude and back-talk on the first night back from BM. This is typical, but it was a bit beyond normal. They were really bad at dinner and sd6 through a fit at bedtime not wanting to go to sleep.
On school day mornings I sleep in, it's just easier than fighting for the bathroom and I have a very relaxed work schedule. I woke up to a boyish squeal from the bathroom and DH putting Sd in time-out. The crying ensued. I rolled over but could hear her crying and DH talking to her and then she started to get louder. I got up to see what was going on, I thought she was just upset with being caught pinching her brother and not wanting to wear her "crazy holiday" outfit for the school party. I asked DH if I could do anything and he said no and the left.
DH tells me after he finally got them out to daycare and back that everything was fine until sd6 asked if they were going with BM tonight and then it all started again. The belligerent attitude, the repeating what BM had said, telling DH he was doing something wrong and being mean to BM. Here I thought it was just a normal temper tantrum.
Why do people talk about the other parent/family in front of the kids?!?!?!
These kids ONLY act like this when BM doesn't get her way. We know when it's coming and we're ready for it, but why are you doing this to your kids?!?!?! Are you that self-absorbed that you can't see the emotional damage you're causing your children?!?!?!?!
It makes me so mad. It's gonna be a long weekend.
(In the end, DH changed out of her holiday sweater at daycare and suddenly she was fine, but wouldn't let him go. This happens most mornings when the skids are going back to BM, the daycare workers have to pull her off of DH.)
And to add to that... DH just
And to add to that... DH just texted me to say that the skids have been fine until BM texted to say she'd like to talk to them and then within seconds of telling them she was calling ss had a meltdown. I wish she could she what she's doing to these kids??
And DH could hear her ask ss if we were going to Star Wars. Ss asked DH and DH said we'd see. WTF?
Oh Hell no! I would take the
Oh Hell no! I would take the Star Wars tickets and give them to the first person I saw. It drives me crazy that people reward SKids bad behavior.
Unfortunately, I bought the
Unfortunately, I bought the tickets for dh, myself, ss, sd, gm & gp. It's a whole family affair. gm and gp are almost more excited to watch the skids watch the movie than to watch the movie itself.
But here's the thing (now that I'm home from work) skids are normal. They're happy, well-behaved and polite.
Apart from ss meltdown when bm called, they're back to the good kids we normally have.
It's so frustrating!
...the sad things is...she
...the sad things is...she knows EXACTLY what she is doing....This has nothing to do with loving her children...It has everything to do with pas'ing by their narcissistic mother. She will consume her own children until the bloody end to become the favored parent. it is about making her ex (your dh's) life a living hell and ruining his relationship with his children to pay him back for the divorce. It is about hate and revenge and bitterness...It is way deeper than the symptoms you are seeing in the children...It is about her...her running the show...no low is too low as long as she lands on top. Because she, herself probably has abandonment issues...and when dh left...he triggered something inside of her that existed way before dh came into her life...the undulate with baggage...Usually the issue you see is never the real issue...She leans on her children to fill that void inside of her.
My dh's ex was the same way...as I watched children get into the car kicking and screaming while their mother put on the best performance of compassion I have ever seen...only to later find out that "Mommy was going to take her shoe shopping that day"...(which was his scheduled time to pick her up...It is to make the bm look like the poor victim of the mean dh in front of the children...then the ex would bask in the poor mommy...daddy is so mean to her...self made pity pool...(It wasn't even real pity) she had to conjure it up...The narcissistic spirit inside of her was loving it...
Thirty years later...those same children are stuck in the hate and revenge culture..They have now passed it down to their children...they don't even know why they hate their dad...they just hate because it is what they were taught to do by their bitter mother......they do not know how to do anything else...it is so sad...perhaps when they are standing at the side of his grave sight they will realize the wonderful opportunity they wasted to have an awesome relationship with their dad...but, probably not...
It is frustrating to watch a grown woman do that to her own children...but the truth of the matter is...she gets to choose what she will do to those kids. Pas'ing is now getting more valid attention and some parents have lost their children because of it. They are finally realizing how abusive this behavior really is...
But don't be mistaken...the bm is not thinking of anyone else except herself....see it for what it really is...I do not miss that kind of drama...peace.
Oh yeah, it's totally for
Oh yeah, it's totally for her, to get at DH for not giving her exactly what she wanted - what she thought she was entitled to. She even misquotes the custody agreement to back-up her side. ONLY during the summer are they not allowed multiple weekends in a row, but she was trying to say he was in contempt of the agreement. Like, she can't figure out how a calendar works and she can't suddenly read.
Thing is Peacemaker - she left DH. She was seeing someone else behind his back. She's pissed because DH won't just lay down, give her full custody (more importantly for her full support - see below) and just disappear. She's pissed because he's fighting her tooth and nail to be with the kids equally and she can't get her way. And she despises him for that.
(Our lawyers assistant overheard a discussion between BM and her lawyer when we'd put forth a 45/55 offer to settle years back. None of the conversation was about the kids and whether the offer was good/bad for them, it was purely about how she wanted to drain DH of every penny she could.)
"Are you that self-absorbed
"Are you that self-absorbed that you can't see the emotional damage you're causing your children?!?!?!?!"
I wish I could tattoo this to BM's arm so she can see it and hopefully change her ways.
Often a toxic breeder will
Often a toxic breeder will use their spawn as leverage. We tried very hard to not do that with my SS. What we did do was arrive at the sharing the facts of the Custody/Visitation/Support order and the facts of the SpermIdiot's and the Sperm Clans crap with SS in an age appropriate manner.
No judgements, just presentation of the facts, answering his questions, and working through an analytical process so he could learn for himself how to apply the smell test to their manipulative crap and gain the ability to protect himself from their manipulations when he was on visitation and as he progressed into independent young adulthood.
As SS progressed into his preteens and teens he began to recognize their crap and started doing his own research on things that reaked of the stench of Sperm Clan crap. Often when he returned from a Sperm Land visitation he would dig into our Custody/Visitation/Support files in our home office to determine for himself what the facts were regarding something they told him or claimed.
The best counter to a toxic breeder who uses their children as leverage is to season the children with the facts in an age appropriate manner,keep the children informed, prepare them to protect themselves from the toxic manipulative breeder, and make sure the kid understands that the parent couple in your side of their blended family equation have their best interests at heart and has their back as they deal with the toxic elements of the blended family oppostion.
Believe it or not... this is a very effective formula for having happy Skids in a situation where one or more legs (mom's leg, dad's leg, SM's leg, SD's leg) of the kids blended family is toxic.
I would counsel that it is time to go full forward on the destroy this toxic BM with the facts of her behavior and start educating the kid accordingly. In an age appropriate manner of course.
Rags, " toxic breeder " is
Rags, " toxic breeder " is classic .
I am glad you like it.
I am glad you like it.