...GROSS....
So I don't take care of SDs bathroom.
DP is supposed to be teaching them to clean it (which has happend only ONE time, with SD9, SD11 refused to help)...he's only cleaned it himself before we have guests and I demand it.
I had to go in there yesterday. OMG.
* Toilet is brown. Utterly horrifying. We had a plumber over recently and cannot fathom that DP didn't think this was something to clean up.
* There's tissues and things all over the floor around the almost full trash container. I am dreading the "women's products" on floor when that time comes.
* There's NO TP on the roll (it holds 4 rolls at one time). No TP under sink. Obviously no one is using TP.
* Dirty towels hanging on the towel hooks/bars and on the counter(hey, not on the floor!).
* Empty paper towel roll on counter still (it's been since August I think).
* Bathtub has hair "flung" all over the wall and old soap disintegrating.
* The new shampoo bottle is just left out (the one SD11 requested specifically several weeks ago and still obviously hasn't used).
* SD9 did request that I clean her auto-toothbrush recently, so hers is taken care of. BUT SD11's toothbrush was BROWN. Covered in mold. And obviously not used for a long time ("Yes daddy, I brush my teeth." says SD11 in a sweet voice).
I walked away, just really, really bad. It hasn't started smelling yet but when it does I'll come down on DP hard and stand there while he cleans every freaking inch of it.
That is disgusting and
That is disgusting and inexcusable. They are old enough to know better and do better.
Horrible! What piggies!
Horrible! What piggies!
Good grief, that's
Good grief, that's disgusting! You should video it, then show it to your DP and ask him what he thinks CPS would have to say about it.
I had the same issue when SD
I had the same issue when SD 19 and SS15 were living under my roof in my home...it was disgusting and instead of insisting that they take responsibility for cleaning it, DH would clean it after I got sick of the state of the bathroom....what is it and DH's guilty parenting? How on earth are skids ever going to learn to take responsibility for them selves? Its always someone elses problem!! Im a teacher and Ive raised my kids to be genuine and caring who take pride in their homes or rooms.....as soon as his skids moved back in with him I(we are now living separately after 6 months of being married) SS16 is a pig again in his fathers kitchen (not that Ive seen for myself but DH has told me)....well his kids are taught that there is always someone else to clean up after them....why change now? Why would they want to?.
Bingo. This is what I am
Bingo. This is what I am dealing with.
SD11's room is in a similar state.
I don't go in there any more.
SD9 is the neat freak and I am betting she doesn't like it but she's also the least likely to say anything (except for her toothbrush issue which she received much praise for letting me know - and it was obvious she did clean it herself at some point). She's got to learn to ASK (working on this slowly when appropriate for me to do so).
I can relate exactly to the
I can relate exactly to the bathroom and bedroom disasters. I don't even go into that bathroom it's so disgusting, and the rare occasion that I ever have to go into one of my teenage SD's bedrooms they may be worse- food left out, empty glasses, water bottles, used plates, clothes so deep across the room that seeing the actual floor is a distant memory. Beds never made and covered in everything imaginable- they just shove stuff aside to make a place to sleep. The bathroom toilet is as you described- along with hair, dirty clothes, towels, used feminine products on the floor next to the overflowing trash can they never empty. The bathroom sounds as you described. I don't know how they can live like that, but they were allowed to for 10-15 years before me so I can't really change much now I guess. They will clean up if they know we're having company and they're told to- but I don't think they would care one bit if someone stopped in, needed to use that bathroom, and all of their personal stuff was everywhere- bras hanging from everything, dirty underwear on the floor- everything you can imagine. DW just makes them keep the door closed, but won't make them continue to keep it clean. It makes me sick- I hate clutter and disorganized filth.
Teach her with love!! Maybe
Teach her with love!! Maybe she is not getting what she needs to know better at BM's house.
I do to the extent I
I do to the extent I can.
There is a clear boundary I cannot cross with DP and the SDs with cleaning.
I have flat rules set down for common living areas and they abide by them (or lose their stuff) but I cannot teach them EVERYTHING. That's up to mom/dad to do and me to assist. Great resentment was made just over a year ago due to my stepping in and resulted in me coming here.
They don't get any cleaning instruction at BMs either. BM either does it herself or lets it go. SD11 recently commented to me that my kitchen was much cleaner than at "mommies."
Nope, you are right. No one
Nope, you are right.
No one taught him.
We've had this discussion before - he doesn't realize how messy HE is either.
He's better, but I've had to tread gently. He thinks I am over-board sometimes, and then I'm picking on the SDs. So it must be his idea.
I made it clear when we moved into the new house, and the SDs would have their own rooms and bathrooms, that I would not be cleaning them, period. That he would need to step in and teach them, and that if he needed help he ask me. He went over it ONE time with SD9.
Good luck - SD11 knows her
Good luck - SD11 knows her room is messy but doesn't care. Only cleans it if she's got a friend coming over, then once the friend leaves, won't clean up. She's had two major tanturms when DP has insisted she clean her room (2x in the past year). She loves how clean the house is in general, but does that matter? No. She avoids "work" of any sort or asking for help with anything. Her new wall mirror has been leaning against her wall for a month now, still in cardboard, because she hasn't asked either of us to help her hang it (oh, we've offered but she's 'too busy').
There's no way in hell I would put new carpeting in her room at this point.
Her sister's room is always neat and clean, before she goes to bed and before she leaves our place. So influence is nill.
LOL - DP once said, in defense of not teaching SDs about cleaning..."You know, they will just KNOW how to do it when they are ready." WTF?
I sort of solved part of this
I sort of solved part of this problem by making the rule that anything left on her bedroom floor each week when she leaves for her mother's house will be gone when she returns. It's taken her a while (and the loss of several bags of clothing) to finally get it. I found it necessary to take this step because I could not tolerate the disgusting stuff that she was leaving all over her room. However, she still won't flush the toilet or do a single other chore. She and I no longer interact. She thinks it's her father who is enforcing the rule and getting rid of her stuff. Ha!
Does anybody else have a
Does anybody else have a problem with a SK writing on the walls? She wrote all over her bedroom walls!! I was so mad when I saw it!
How old is the budding
How old is the budding Picasso??
Take a pic on your phone and
Take a pic on your phone and text a photo message to DP informing that the SKIDS clean it NOW or DP and the toxic spawn are gone immediately. If DP cleans it , they are all gone immediately.
I would not tolerate that ...... shit :sick: ..... were I you.
Take care of you and make sure to keep your HAZMAT suit handy.
The budding Picasso is 14
The budding Picasso is 14 years old. When I moved in four years ago, there was already writing all over her bedroom wall. I didn't say anything about it back then. Last year, she moved into a new bedroom and started writing all over the walls. This kid has zero respect for our home. I told her I didn't want to see any more writing on the walls and that she was trashing our house. She stopped writing on the walls, but then I found writing on her furniture, including her mattress. I think it's very weird.
Immediate, direct, and
Immediate, direct, and completely unpleasant consequences for her choices. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Yep. That's what I would do,
Yep. That's what I would do, if I hadn't disengaged. Her father doesn't say a word to her about it. I guess the furniture will go out to the curb for trash pick up, when she moves out in a few years. None if it is furniture I care about or want. And she WILL move out after graduation, because I won't live with her after that .
Bathroom still not cleaned,
Bathroom still not cleaned, nor is SD11s room.
I had to go in there yesterday to update an electrical issue (cause you know I don't want the house to burn down). Just shoved piles aside with my foot to get where I needed to reach.
...any bets on how long this will go on?
I felt bad recently for SD9 (the clean one). She asked for help cleaning out the bottom of the tub so she could shower (yes she does!)....spilled shampoo from SD11 and wet tissue in tub, WTF? DP wasn't home so I assisted her since she WANTED to shower and it wasn't her mess.
And SD11 is getting nothing from me for Xmas that needs to be cared for since all her stuff, ALL of it is on the floor or her bed. Empty closet and empty dresser, doors and drawers open...for no reason...
DUPE
DUPE
Take all of the crap thrown
Take all of the crap thrown around her room and all of her crap from the bathroom, box it up without cleaning or folding it, wrap it, put it under the tree, and give it to her for Christmas. Dirty clothes, used tampons (if I recall correctly you at some point you mentioned sanitary products), dirty dishes, garbage, etc ... everything. All wadded up and crammed in as many boxes as it takes. When she asks where her crap is between now and Christmas morning tell her, not your shit, not your problem.
When she opens the box of nasty dirty shit tell her ... if it lands on the floor ever again it goes in the garbage. If your room or any space you are responsible for is ever that dirty again you lose the door to your room, then your bed, then your curtains, and she will not get them back until every square inch of the entire home is cleaned, scrubbed, polished dusted, and sanitized by her own hands to YOUR satisfaction for as long as it take for YOU to feel that it will never again be an issue.
Toxic crap needs direct, immediate, long term, and totally unpleasant consequence. Particularly when it is a feral spawn marking their territory and thinking that they are the king or queen of the realm. This is a pre-teen not a 6yo. Bring the pain. And most of all, have fun bringing the consequences. }:)
If she fails to learn from the regifting Christmas then take a paddle and light her ass up. She is not too old or too young for a spanking.
I am thinking of the stuff
I am thinking of the stuff disappearing, especially after having seen the room. No sanitary products yet but I am concerned about that at any time. If DP isn't taking care of it then it looks like I'm going to have to. It's my house too and damned if it's going to be ruined. I'm just so thankful that we didn't put new carpet down before we no moved in and that is NOT going to happen now.
I'll also be making sure that all food is upstairs each night before I go to bed and all glasses upstairs (usually there 5 or so mostly full water glasses all over). And her trash is taken out before she leaves for BMs on our off week.
And that bathroom? If clean it DP makes me dinner for a week. No extra work for Cover. You don't want to clean bathroom then Cover has to? Then something gives and that's my cooking.
I don't want to engage here but I am losing my mind over this one.
I like your mom. She reminds
I like your mom. She reminds me of my own.
It is a great thing to win
It is a great thing to win the parent lottery. I did on both sides of my gene pool so I can't complain a bit. My parents are both wonderful and kind people though neither will tolerate much crap from anyone including their own children.
I love that idea of making
I love that idea of making them do a chore for each item they want to earn back! I also like the idea of getting rid of anything that hasn't been earned back within a month. Currently, I have her bags of things (the ones that haven't gone to the dumpster) hidden from both her and DH. He was being a sucker and giving some things back if she whined enough. So now he doesn't know where her stuff is either. He actually thanked me for holding his feet to the fire on this issue.
Ok, after a short talk with
Ok, after a short talk with DP last night I am totally disengaged from both of them on this issue.
DP mentioned he had cleaned the toilet, but nothing else.
I let him know that if that entire bathroom wasn't cleaned, including the filthy floor, by the time I get home Tuesday I will do it "and you don't want me to start doing that" and that if SD11s room wasn't cleaned by the time she leaves on Sunday I will do it "...and you don't want me doing that either."
His response?1) he will clean bath today and 2) he will help SD11 clean her room.
WTF?!
He's back to the "she had a hard time due to divorce" and "no one can tell her what to do because she's so headstrong" and "she doesn't have the skills." Double WTF?!
My response, rather heated, was 1) she's almost 12, divorce was 6 years ago and she seems fine but for not doing anything but creating a mess 2) yes you CAN tell her what to do, set down rules and ramifications....he actually blanched at this! And 3) she'll never learn if you do it for her! Then he says to me..."I understand your concern...we will figure this out." WE? Oh no. I didn't respond to this cause it's no longer about me but about DP avoiding confrontation and SD11 entitled laziness because she can!
So I am done done done done. If those things aren't clean I then do it with clean sweeps. I don't give a shit any more. I wont have moldy hot chocolate and half eaten candy and popcorn scattered in a bedroom. I won't buy anything that will be left in a floor to be walked on.
Done. If that room isn't clean on Sunday night (darn it I just threw two empty boxes from cupboard into her room last week too...both DP and her also ignore my requests to take care of that shit too). Monday I will go down with a trash bag.
I'll let you all know what happens...
Hi Sally! I suspect that DP
Hi Sally!
I suspect that DP will step up and take care of it.
He knows my warnings ARE serious.
I don't think I'll actually have to go in there and trash bag it up...but it's a nice fantasy...
And a good vent!
No disengaging from SD9 - she's good, usually always is. Just getting away from DP cleaning and SD11.
I don't think SD11 will go back to BMs more, she and her mother have a bit of a tense relationship (reminds me of my mom and me actually) and she's actually spending more time with us. Which IS making DP think about EVERYTHING more, this is a big step for him and for him to be able to even talk about this stuff with me because he's finally SEEING it as a problem because HE is having to do more work due directly to SD11's actions. Period.
Oh, there is a hard deadline
Oh, there is a hard deadline of Sunday night.
I threatened that I would clean ALL of it up Monday night if her room isn't cleaned by Sunday when she goes to bed (meaning it won't be clean by Monday).
"...and you don't want me doing that."
I said this with visions of trash bags in my head...full of dirty clothes, broken pen holders, nasty chewed gum, unwrapped candy, water glasses full of water, cups full of moldy hot chocolate - all in one lovely package.
}:)
I hear ya, sister. We had a
I hear ya, sister. We had a couple of okay weeks, with her picking up her room before leaving for her mother's. But when she left this morning, I stuck my head in her room to check out the situation. It's a total mess. And she did nothing but lie around on her ass for two days, because she rarely leaves her room if I'm here. There's absolutely no reason for the room to be left like that. I really think it's just a big "screw you" aimed at me. So, I'm heading up there now with a garbage bag and I'm throwing everything away. I'm so fed up.
I got a little surprise when
I got a little surprise when I went upstairs to clear out her room. She must have come to the house after school (before I got home from work) and cleaned it up. I'm guessing that her father must have sent her a message to get her butt over here to take care of it, since I sent him an angry text this morning.
DH said she messaged him that
DH said she messaged him that she needed to come over to get her notebooks. He told her she better get her room clean or everything was going in the garbage. But before she could get here, he went in and threw away some of her makeup. Good for him!
Sally has it right. Call
Sally has it right. Call Serve-Pro and schedule a 9 AM monday bagging and sterilization of SD's room. Top to bottom. Have them bag everything up together, trash, clothes, belongings, dirty dishes, bag it, seal the bags and put them on the curb for pickup on Tues AM. When SD and DH get home Monday evening inform them that her shit is on the curb, hand DH the Serve Pro bill, inform them both that if your dishes are picked up on trash day that you are going dish shopping with her money and his, and tell them they can get it dealt with immediately and all night if neccessary but the garbage is picked up on the AM because you have scheduled and prepaid for a pickup with DH's credit card.
Hold them accountable and start picking out new dishes. Have fun!!! }:)
And... lather, rinse, repeat if the first time does not get the message across to both of them.
yep, as of now I am waiting
yep, as of now I am waiting and watching.
I'm glad I'll be gone on Sunday, out with a girlfriend for the day, so I don't have to be there at all! I'm betting it'll either get really nasty with SD11 and DP will give up because it's too hard and nothing will be done, or he'll do it mostly all himself. So it's a 50/50 outcome at this point.
With the bathroom, DP half-heartedly and badly cleaned the toilet. I went down afterwards with gloves on and "cleaned up" everything.
Dirty hairbrush, towels, one slipper, etc. all in trash. Gone.
* All SD11s and DPs slipper. WTH his one slipper was doing on their counter I have no idea...SD9 had her towels and toiletries nicely stored and arranged so I left those.
I'll keep repeating this process as long as I have to. Things will keep going away.
So. SD11 cleaned her room up,
So. SD11 cleaned her room up, or so it looks like.
I am holding my judgement till I get home.
1) She made her bed, but didn't change the bedding. I'll live with that since it's off the floor and I don't have to sleep in it or step on it.
2) She claims to have no idea where the moldy coffee cup went. Yeah, right. I think she may have snuck it into the trash on Friday when she got home (and therefore IS gone) but I need to check her regular "stash" places. I already included a new coffee mug in the list of $ that DP now owes me for SD costs.
3) Her closet doors were suspiciously closed and there was nothing on her desk or her dresser or nightstand. I'm going to open those doors when I get home this evening...I suspect gross mug is in there along with trash.
* She's not using her NEW lamp, stashed in her nightstand drawer for some reason - she BEGGED DP for that lamp. That lamp will disappear tonight and get put in the donation box. I've been wondering where it went for months now.
* I know she still hasn't cleared out two large moving boxes from her closet with misc junk in them. I'll ignore unless all her crap is just stuffed in the closet.
I'm not engaging with DP on this, I'm just doing it. He has forfeited anything about this and that's that. I'm sick of it. And I don't care if anyone's pissed.
For example: DP, today, was reluctant to go into SD9s bedroom to search for the little flashlight he let her use. REALLY? Go freaking GET IT.
SD11 didn't clean her room on
SD11 didn't clean her room on her own. She had a little Cover talking to on Saturday that she took very seriously. }:)
This is EXACTLY my plan.
I didn't tell DP anything about the two large boxes of crap that are now stored in the back of the garage, unlabeled.
- SD11 trashed, somehow, the moldy mug for sure. It's not in the house. She may be able to get over her horror of the trash can in instances like this.
- Her almost new slippers she really, really wanted last year are gone. Funny that she has new slippers on her "wish list" which I promptly deleted from.
- Her clock is missing. Really? I think she's becoming very good at losing things.
- She had the gall last night, we pass by each other on our way from school/to home, to ask me, "Cover, before you vacuum my room, can you take out my very full trash can, it's overflowing." Me, "I will talk with your dad." (Mind you we have a roomba so vacuuming takes me all of one minute of my time).
Talked with DP, he said, "No way."
We agreed to get out a trash bag for her, DP will write her a note and put it in her room instructing her to do it herself.
See, she hates the trash, it's gross, right? (see above, wrong) Her trash is mostly empty cans of lemon soda and paper. Not gross.
- So glad I didn't buy her many xmas gifts. So glad. And nothing I got her is expensive so I could care less if she loses it.
DP left her a note last
DP left her a note last night, along with a trash bag and recycle bag, and told her to take care of it.
My goodness, he parented!
We'll see what happens tonight.
...AND he's going to talk with SD9 about her TF issue, who we think did take something else while she was here (I found the empty box buried and hidden in SD9s closet).
SD11 hasn't said a word about
SD11 hasn't said a word about all the crap in her closet being gone.
Interesting.
Didn't ask DP anything about the trash bags he left SD11. I took in the trash can last night and nothing was in it so I know she didn't take it out.
And...done.
If her room gets to be that messy again, no warning, I'll just go in and clean it all and bag it all up.
I consider this situation resolved for now, since I'm done messing around with it.
No more asking, no more discussion, nothing.
No more cleaning up after SD11 at all. Nothing.
No more cleaning up after DP actually, at all either.
They can both live with their messes - if anyting is left in the living area then I will not ask about it. I'll just either trash it, or throw it downstairs or into DPs closet - I mean everything that's left out. Dirty dishes in living room? Same thing.
I'd like some time off around the holiday and I'm not going to be a maid. And if any crap is left out around Xmas, it's gone baby gone.
Oh yes, I think your advice
Oh yes, I think your advice is good, it's just figuring out HOW to do it and wrap my mind around it being ok.
I haven't done dishes for 5 days now, but for my own; well, I cleaned up dinner dishes last night, but DP had to take care of the mess he made during the day.
We had a good discussion about his office too - it's a pit a lot of the time. We actually discussed what "messy" means. Seriously.
Had to tell him it's trash on the floor and on surfaces, dirty dishes everywhere, things not being put back, his workout gear flung across the chair backs and on floor, etc. Told him that if he wants me to not get anxious about it (i.e. I don't tell him to clean it up) close the freaking door so I don't see it when I walk past. I didn't and won't tell him to clean it up. He then asked me, "But you use the office too, right?" Well, for filing and other misc. stuff but it's essentially his room. So I sort of told him I was disengaging from his cleaning issue and not understanding what "messy" means.
And YES I have been in a good mood! NO more worrying! I'm not even worrying that SDs are with us for the next 10 days. I'll do what I am going to do. DP needs to take care of them and get them appropriate food for the house. I'll help with the holiday meal food shopping but that's it.
Sounds like my skids'
Sounds like my skids' bathroom - right down to the used lady products and flung hair.
I don't lift a finger in that smelly germ breeding hell hole.