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Not sure what I need

MamaBass's picture

Submitted by MamaBass on Thu, 10/15/2015 - 5:37pm

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Looking for a little guidance from experienced SMs... I've been with DH for six years, married for three with a BS1. We have dealt with a very high conflict BM, and because of that I have mostly disengaged from SS16 and partially from SS11. In the beginning, I made quite the effort trying to be the good little stepmother, but over time I just got worn down and pretty much gave up. However, I am currently at a point where I'm not really sure I know what I want. I have told my DH in the past that I don't want to know anything in regards to skids, or BM. School, activities, complaints... Nothing. But then I find myself talking to DH's family and realizing they know more about skids that live with me then I do. I'm not sure if it was guilt I felt, embarrassment or I just thought it was funny. And therein lies my problem- how much do I actually want to know? I can't even answer that. When I knew everything I was stressed out to the max and pissed off. When I know nothing, I feel a little out of the loop- especially when BM knows more about DH's schedule ( when it comes to skids) then I seem to. Anyone ever face this dilemma? I am going to schedule something with a therapist, but wanted to ask you ladies too! As I've learned experience FAR outweighs a degree! Smile

No Name's picture

Submitted by No Name on Thu, 10/15/2015 - 5:50pm

Sometimes ignorance is bliss!

Honestly I have been through it all. I was right there in the midst knowing their schedules, checking their grades on line, talking to the school and the skids didn't live with us and then I was discussing my findings with DH. I would have my self so stressed out and worried over poor grades, school lateness, absence, etc. Then I finally talked myself out of it. It was hard not to check on anything but I did not check for long periods of time and honestly when I don't know what is going on with the skids my life has a lot less stress!
I was the one checking on the skids and neither of their parents was doing it. DH was too busy with work and BM was too busy doing what ever (not working). I worked full time, was totally involved in my own kids lives and still checked up on the skids.

I admit that I fall off of the wagon at times but I try not to care so darned much because trust me that don't give two hoots about me!

You have to do what is good for you and what works for you.

Last In Line's picture

Submitted by Last In Line on Thu, 10/15/2015 - 6:02pm

I don't mind feeling out of the loop. If something skiddish is mentioned that I'm unaware of, I just say "I'm really not kept updated on what's going on with skid", shrug my shoulders, and go on. They can think what they want.

stepfrancy's picture

Submitted by stepfrancy on Fri, 10/16/2015 - 4:53am

If I had disengaged myself from my SS as a child he would have had no one. He father didn't really take a serious interest in what was going on but SS never let either of us know much about many school happenings. He was involved in several activities there that I would have loved to have know about and been supportive of but after a certain age he didn't seem to care if either of us knew. His BM never even attempted to know anything after the age of 12 when he moved in with us. He always signed up for summer sports just so he wouldn't have to go visit her. There was a big issue with his SD but he actually never let us know what the real problem was. He is 40 now and his wife is a drama queen and very difficult. Now is my time to disengage. Just can't handle her and have had all I can take. I believe you are doing quite well. My prayer for you is to just take it a day at a time because as they grow and become older it's difficult to disengage with the gchildren and you don't have to worry about that right now. Good Luck!