Double Standards - advice needed please
FDH has 60/40 with his kids, my skids. They are with us 40% of the time. My own bio daughter has now turned 18 and is attending college while living at home because the dorms are so expensive. FDH has always shown signs of double standards for his own kids and mine but since BD turned 18, he is all about "she is an adult and needs to fend for herself". I do expect her to pay for her car insurance, her gas, she has a part time job while going to college. She is not great at helping out around the house and I am working on that, she now does her own laundry. The issue is that from the time we met 6 years ago, FDH constantly gives me lectures on how to raise my kids and then never, EVER practices what he preaches when it comes time for his two kids to reach those same milestones. My bio kids are two years ahead of his. So I know for a fact that when SD reaches 18 next year she wont be thrown out of the house, he is already saving to have her stay in the dorm, fully pay for her etc. I am sick and tired of him getting on to my daughter, this summer she got mono and is exhausted and trying to keep up. Also she has had some anxiety and depression. She lost both her Dad (my late husband) and her favorite aunt (my lovely sister) in sudden accidents within a short space of time and her grief is catching up with her. Yesterday she lay down on the sofa for a nap and FDH spent the entire afternoon bitching about her being lazy. Help!! I am trying to stay objective but it is starting to really get to me now. His darlings can do no wrong and are spoilt, truly lazy and irritating. He says they shouldn't have to do chores because they are "only with us a small amount of time". Almost half the time! The double standards is definitely driving a huge wedge between us.
Thanks Sally! Yep I finally
Thanks Sally! Yep I finally blew up yesterday and told him to Fuck Off. Of course now we are not speaking.
I would not live with a man
I would not live with a man who had such double standards and treated my kid like this. We would live apart until the kids were on their own.
I am in your same boat
I am in your same boat Anna21!
I have the oldest child too, and DH used to RIDE MY ASS about his phases and behavior. BUT when his son started that phase/that behavior, he was BLIND to it!
He is currently doing the same with SD, My daughter is older than SD, so she goes through the phases first and he dishes out all the parenting advise a person can handle, BUT doesn't hold his own kid to the same expectations.
I pointed it out to DH, it resulted in a fight, because he is both defensive and passive aggressive, but eventually the behavior of the kids gets corrected the same as he expected me to do with my kids.
I tell him I will NOT have exclusive special expectations and privileges kids and wicked step children living under the same roof. And we have worked it out over the years.
Wish I had more/better advise for you
You're not married. I would
You're not married. I would seriously consider that step because this will likely never change. I imagine he will have no problem telling you your kid should pay for her own wedding while he gives thousands of dollars for his kids. Telling you what a terrible parent your child is to grandkids while his have heathens that destroy your house or public places and "are just being kids".
You can try the you do your kids and I'll do mine approach, but he may not be able to keep his mouth shut. You can try the good for the goose good for the gander approach and lecture him on how to raise his kids but that will likely be stressful and cause fights and resentment. I would personally have difficulty staying with a guy that obviously viewed me as so incompetent that he lectured me, but then I'd be shutting the lecture crap down. You can always walk away or tell him that you didn't ask for his opinion. Or (as long as it's true) tell him that you don't tell him how to raise his kids and he should give you the same courtesy. Or you could always pull out the old bio parent stand by and accuse him of hating your daughter, though I don't really recommend that...
I have tried the "talk"
I have tried the "talk" discussions over and over and he always agrees to treat them all the same........and then does not change. Since BD turned 18 a few months ago, it is now unbearable. I have learned never, ever to interfere with his kids. BM goes more crazy than normal and FDH does not like it either. Neither do I have a say in how he spends his money on them, and I don't try anyhow.
Thank you! Sometimes I start
Thank you! Sometimes I start to believe the "you are being ridiculous" + "you are too sensitive" crap that he dishes out. We are supposed to marry in November. I told him last night no effing way until he starts to treat my kid like he does his own. I have raised my two by myself being widowed and I have never expected FDH to pay anything for my kids, I work hard and pay half of the household expenses and saved for my kid's college tuition, prepaid state college plan when they were born. I am tired of him lecturing on parenting stuff AND how I choose to spend my own money. My daughter is thinking of doing a double major and he is already quizzing me on who will pay. As I say, meanwhile he is helping his own kid apply for the expensive dorm at the expensive school. I do agree, what the hell am I doing here?? Yesterday he was harassing my kid and I am not doing anything constructive. NO more.
Sometimes I start to believe
Sometimes I start to believe the "you are being ridiculous" + "you are too sensitive" crap that he dishes out.
This right here, what he's saying, is called gaslighting. Look it up, it's not pretty. And then, leave.
he always agrees to treat
he always agrees to treat them all the same
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This may be where you are getting hung up. He will fight against that because he is certainly not going to treat any other kids like his own. Will not happen.
Tell him he just needs to keep his opinions and verbal vomit to himself. He is allowed to feel the way he feels, but he needs to tone it down with your kid. He needs to worry about his kids and you will worry about yours. Period. If he can not agree to that, then you need to think about moving until your DD is out of college.
You are getting married in
You are getting married in November.
You need to iron out financial issues now.
As hard as it is to do now, it will be much harder after marriage.
You need to consult a lawyer about the inheritance laws in your state. You want items left to you by your deceased husband to go to your kids and not the skids. You need to check the state rules for IRAs and the federal rules for 401k, if you have any.
Seriously think of a prenuptial. I asked for one before I remarried. No way SDs, who barely talk to their dad, are getting any of the money left to me by my first husband. DH had no problem with the prenuptial.
If your future husband is planning to pay for his child's expensive school and board, and is not considering his retirement, you may be setting yourself up for future financial difficulties.
I've had mono. OMG it is
I've had mono. OMG it is terrible and really, it never leaves you. I had it as a teenager and I'm 40 now. Sometimes if my immune system is weak or if I am super stressed, I feel like the virus reimerges from my spine, or something, because I will just go through another period where I just have to sleep, sleep, sleep and it's exhausting to brush my hair. When I had it, I slept the entire bus ride to school. I slept on my lunch. I slept during study hall. I slept the bus ride home. I got home and did homework and that's right.. went to sleep and would sometimes sleep the entire from 3 pm until 6 am the next day. I've never had cancer or chemo, but I imagine that's how it would feel.. chemo, that is.
Your husband is being a giant A hole and I hope he gets mono one day to see what its like.
Thanks so much. My brother
Thanks so much. My brother had it also when he was younger and he says the same, that his energy never went back to 100%. I think my daughter is great to have continued on with summer classes and have mono. FDH is indeed being a giant A Hole. Its all about his own daughter who was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and of course that is so much worse in his opinion. She is playing that card for all its worth.
Right now I am so disgusted
Right now I am so disgusted by his behavior that I would rather be run over by a bus than marry him. He is refusing to have premarital counseling which is foolish and now I definitely want that or its no deal. Yes if we do go through with it, I also want a prenup........I will inherit property when my parents pass (hope its years into the future) and I want everything to go to my own children.
He is refusing to have
He is refusing to have premarital counseling
Oh, boy. Doubt he'll go for the prenup, either.
Men are usually on their best
Men are usually on their best behaviour before the wedding. So if he is acting like this when you are not even married, you are in for a wild ride starting before the ink dries on your marriage certificate.
Leave now.
Maybe if you think of it like
Maybe if you think of it like this. Your daughter is getting married soon to a guy who sometimes blatantly favors his kids over your grandchildren. You think he is too tough on them but your daughter says she talked with him and he's really going to try to be more fair with the kids. When you mention doing some couples counseling to her she says he refused.
Would you want your daughter to be with someone like that? What do you think her kids would go through with him as their father?
If you wouldn't want your daughter to have a life with that kind of husband then don't settle for that kind of husband for you. Your daughter is special right? She deserves a partner someday who loves her unconditionally, is fair, kind, and willing to do whatever it takes to work through problems together? (I'm assuming you agree with me on this.) So you are just as special and deserve just as much as your daughter. Don't settle for less out of a partner because you and your children deserve to be treated with honesty and fairness always.
Thank you Morgan, this is an
Thank you Morgan, this is an excellent way to look at things. My best friend says that to me all the time. Treat "me" as I treat my daughter, I have suffered from low self esteem all my life but in the past year having been working hard on this and making strides. Probably not enough strides but his behavior to my daughter this weekend was unacceptable. The mother hen comes out in me.
How long have you two been
How long have you two been together? Is it your house?
What was his reason for not wanting to do counselling?
He sounds like my exh... He claimed he was happy and fine when I approached him 10 years into the marriage about "being unhappy" and needing to work on us.... And he ignored me and said he was fine and seeing I was the unhappy one, for me to leave as he was fine.... 14 years later I did leave.
When you have an issue in your relationship, you both have an issue in my opinion... and him opting out without thinking of you and your relationship is a red flag in my opinion.
This whole thing has occupied
This whole thing has occupied my mind all day. We are together 6 years, living together for three of them. We both own the house together. We have had our ups and downs and so far have worked things out. Been to hell and back with BM and her custody battle. However a lot of the time, it is me compromising or learning to detach from the skids, or keeping quiet when I am boiling inside. I know one thing for sure, I will not marry without premarital counseling where we can talk these things out with a professional, third party there. He has many good qualities but it seems that when it comes to my kids, he does not do well. He does prefer to be a Disney Dad and having my daughter living with us full time definitely irritates him. He once said to me "If you love me, then you have to love my kids" (when I was detaching and wanting to not spend time with them). Its the same thing here, if he loves me unconditionally he will love my kids and treat them with respect and kindness. Thanks for everyone's advice, I will update soon.
Your DD has had some blows,
Your DD has had some blows, some losses, then she has him on her back. Let me tell you I was her position at 18, she CAN hear the names he calls her and she DOES know he doesn't like her. You've got some decisions to make. I'm 51- aforementioned stepfather just hung up on me the other day when I was trying to get ahold of my mom. We live several states away and I was checking on her since they broke down on the road and she called me crying- I'm hardly a meddling adult skid. We talk 2-3 times a month, almost never see each other. He just dislikes me, and it's affected my relationship with my mom, who I love very, very much, in a fatal way. You have some thinking to do.
Update......ok I calmed down
Update......ok I calmed down enough to talk to FDH without yelling and have told him no way will he treat my daughter like this again. I am insisting on premarital counseling and a prenup or no marriage ceremony in November. FDH now says ok and as long as the counselor is not religious. Ok. I want to have all these things discussed out in the open with an objective third party before we even think of marrying. DD is still tired from the mono and so far FDH is keeping his mouth shut. I told him its a deal breaker for me. I also told him to focus instead on his own kid's issues, and to NEVER interfere with how I handle my own money. I had slept on the sofa-bed for two nights so FDH knew I was very, very serious. That is the first time in 6 years that I have refused to sleep in the same room as him, never mind the same bed.
why are you on the sofa bed?
why are you on the sofa bed?
I hate to be the bearer of
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your story sounds very similar to mine (second marriage) and i feel duped into reconnecting and later marrying my now DH. We broke up approx 2 years ago when my then fiance decided (without consulting me) to give away a valuable asset of his (a car) to his daughter who was living with us FT and who was unemployed and not looking for work whilst living in my house and her two horses using all my facilities including free feeding of her horses. She was given it so she could sell it to raise funds so she could continue living the life of Larry. I would come home from work and find her asleep on the couch, and my kitchen trashed. I felt used by both of them, he blew up at me for daring to be upset with them both, he cracked it some more and I asked them both to leave and broke off our engagement. Looking back I see how he "loved bombed me" and said all the things I wanted him to say (but clearly didnt mean) as here we are again, in my house and he has recently thrown me under the bus in favor of his daughter who dosent even live with us!! He didnt mean a word he said then (about supporting me/us) and clearly did it to win me back.
The resentment now is HUGE!!!
So being married and having the status of being his wife means NOTHING!!