Any options other than leaving or withholding money?
It's been a while since I've been on the forums. My DH had finally kicked his 19YO son out of the house for threatening him and reacting violently to pretty much any situation. We have lots of holes in our walls as reminders. Now he's back, with his girlfriend. Apparently, his mom kicked him out and my DH let him back in. (Apparently he said all the right things to Daddy, "I'll do whatever you want, I'll get a job, I'll pay rent...") I told all of them that I would not allow any violence in my house and that if he chose to be violent, I would immediately call the police and ask both of them to leave. I also told them that this is not a house where they can just hang out and do nothing all day, that they absolutely need to get jobs and pay rent. The problem is that DH doesn't seem to be in any hurry to make them do that. He's still in what he calls his "observation phase," where he wants to see if they do what they say they're going to do. (Yeah, I rolled my eyes too.) I told him at the very beginning that I wasn't going to put up with SS's s*it anymore, and that I wasn't going to pay half the bills just to have them sit around and watch TV all day. DH got really mad, but of course didn't really do anything. They've been here two weeks with no job prospects.
My question is, are there any other steps I can take before stopping paying half the bills? It's really a huge threat since DH can't pay the bills on his own, and I know SS would never be able to cover the rest. I know that a huge threat will probably be the only thing that gets through to him, but I'm wondering if any of you have had successes with anything else. In all honestly, this will probably break us, and maybe I'm just hesitant because I'll have to go through the process of leaving (again). The only thing that got DH to do anything last time was something major, maybe I should pray for SS to get violent again. So sad that my mind is thinking that way.
I should also mention that my
I should also mention that my stress level is through the roof already since I just had surgery for breast cancer and am now waiting for final results to figure out the rest of my treatment. I don't have time to deal with this skid s*it, but I'm letting it affect me to the point where I'm losing sleep, along with my ever-loving mind. Oh, and SS17 is now officially doing cocaine and not just marijuana. At least we don't have him living with us. Wow, life with skids is so awesome!!!! (Dripping sarcasm.)
A man who lets a violent
A man who lets a violent asshole back into your home under any circumstances is an asshole not worth staying with.
My DH kicked his son out for being violent (before I met him). SS has been evicted and ended up homeless on several occasions since DH and I have been together. DH has never even hinted that we let SS stay for even a night.
The first time it happened I said something to DH about SS not being able to stay with us - and DH adamantly stated that he would never let SS stay in our home. Some of the time our condo was sitting empty for months while we were in another state. But SS has a history of violent rage where he destroys everything in sight - so he has to live with no help because of his actions.
BM no longer allows him in her home either. I don't know if that's her or her DH. Her DH is protective of her (as he should be) and knows SS's history of hurting his mother and destroying everything he touches.
Even if the two user/losers get jobs - do you really want these slugs living with you? You need to have a calm but deadly discussion with your DH about why he is willing to put you in danger. There is no answer to that except that he doesn't give a shit about you. Are you willing to stay (and finance) a man who doesn't care?
You have power - use it. Your DH has a choice to make - he can either live with you or with his son and the GF. Don't let him dictate to you that you must give him your money to be treated like shit.
The sad part is that the GF's
The sad part is that the GF's foster parents kicked her out and her real mom is not in the picture. That's the whole reason SS had her come live with him, while he was at his mom's house. BM let him get away with it, and now it looks like my DH is too.
Thanks for the positive thoughts; I'm having tests to see if I carry the gene and if it's super aggressive. If so, double mastectomy or chemo. If not, then it's just radiation. I swear, though, and this is 100% honest, step kids, and teenagers in general, are more stressful than cancer.
You're right, thanks
You're right, thanks everyone. I know that it's really not an option to just stay in this pattern and that I have to just tell DH that I'm only going to pay a fourth of the bills and tell SS and GF to get jobs. Why, o why, can't bios deal with their own kids?
A motel with kitchenettes and
A motel with kitchenettes and great weekly rates may be an option until DH's testicles descend. Sometimes it's necessary to just step away from the drama for a bit and take a break especially with all you're going through. I had a stay all lined up for myself when ss30 was trying to move back in. I told DH that the second he moves in I'll be driving to the motel and then be looking for a place of my own. DH wisely decided against letting ss30 stay here.
my only concern if you stop
my only concern if you stop paying bills would be your credit.
That's a good point, but
That's a good point, but luckily, most of the bills are in his name, since he was in the house before me. And I don't have my name on the house, specifically for this type of crap. Other than a car that we have both our names on, I can completely separate myself from him. Wait, if I have a credit card where he is the primary cardholder, does that count? I think it's just that he got an extra card for me, not that I have any responsibility tied to it. Hmmm.... better look into that.
She definitely shows more
She definitely shows more promise than SS. In fact, BM told them that she could stay when she kicked out her son! I'm hoping she'll be a decent influence on him, and she at least cleans up after herself. In fact, she does a lot of the house cleaning. I just don't want her to think that's all she needs to do.
I am in the US, and she says
I am in the US, and she says she wants to go to school, but I think they're both just lost right now. That's the only reason I didn't move out immediately upon hearing that they wanted to move back in, because I think they both might have potential if they had some structure and someone in their corner pushing them. I think DH thinks the same thing, he just can't seem to get his shit together enough to be that strong force. I honestly don't know if I have the energy to pull both of them along myself, but she's really had a tough life and honestly doesn't have anywhere else to go. Of course, you would think that the threat of homelessness would spark a fire under their butt, but they know DH isn't going to do anything. We had a family meeting at the beginning, where everyone promised to do what they were supposed to do, and of course, it hasn't happened yet. Any family meeting that takes place will have to be run by me, and I just wish DH would step up. Because at the family meeting I can say "You get a job or get out," but DH really has final say. So I guess I have to change it to, "Get a job or I get out."
And yes, they are using birth control. We were adamant about that, and told them everything would be a million times harder if they were to add a kid to the mix. God help them all if they do, because I'm outta there if that happens.
Thanks, just did! Any
Thanks, just did! Any suggestions are greatly appreciated, as I've tried to navigate CC for the SS in the past, with not so great results.
I think you should divide all
I think you should divide all the bills four ways then pay 1/4. DH, SS, and GF are each responsible for their 1/4. Your DH is responsible for collecting their 1/4
I agree with the others that
I agree with the others that you should pay 1/4. I'm amazed your DH would consider stressing you further than you are with your health issues.
My SD24 has been violent in the past, but nothing that DH thinks is worth being upset about. Even though he doesn't think much of the incidents, he still won't let her spend a single night in our house, and especially not with a boyfriend! He told her that she is an adult, so she needs to figure it out for herself. He did give her money to stay in a hotel for 2 nights when BM had kicked her out, but that's all he would do. Once they're in, it's very hard to get them out.
If it has "only" been two weeks, I would change the locks asap. You don't want them establishing residency with you because then you will have a difficult time to legally get rid of them without their consent, regardless if they are paying or not.
When you are undergoing any
When you are undergoing any kind of cancer treatment you have to take care of yourself. Stress is as bad as not eating right. You should not have any extra stress in your life right now - cancer itself provides more than enough stress. If DH won't take care of you, then you need to do it yourself.
Neither of the kids are your problem. It sounds like the girlfriend has it rough, but she is not your responsibility.
If DH won't make them meet your standards - then he needs to make them move out. If that doesn't happen, you might consider moving out yourself.
Your DH should be protecting
Your DH should be protecting and looking out for YOU. If he is not doing this, then he is failing you as a husband. Since his "kid" has a history of violence, DH should be right up his ass about gaining independence ASAP.
Both "kids" need to be put on a time line. Let them know that they have until (for e.g.) the end of September to have jobs or be enrolled full time in school/college. Give them lists of chores to do and make sure DH enforces it. DH should also monitor them regarding their applicatios - check to make sure they are being proactive and vigorously looking for work.
Most importantly - cut your contribution down to 1/4. DH can make up the difference since he's enabling both "kids".