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Desperately wanting our OWN life

DanielleRenee1987's picture

I am a new step mom of 3+ years. I have two step children who are now 15 and 12. I met them after I started dating my current husband. He asked them how they like me, they said I was fun. Then we sat them down a couple mos later and told them we were getting married. Radio silence. I met the ex several times at sporting events of the kids and after she met me the whole atmosphere changed, I am 12 years younger than my husband. She started telling the kids that I should be their sister not their step-mom. When my husband and I got married, they did NOT accept me in any way and things continued to get worse. He had every other weekend visitation, so they would come stay with us. They started making it so uncomfortable that I felt like a stranger in my own home. I would walk into a room, they would walk out. I would try to start a conversation and they would pretend I wasn't speaking to them. They would talk about me to my husband (in front of me!)and tell him things like I was the spawn of satan and not their family and that their mom said they didn't have to be nice to me. It became so stressful that both of us would do nothing but fight the whole week before they came over. They told him they didn't want to see him anymore unless I wasn't there so I needed to go away the weekends they were there. My husband stood his ground and told them that we were a family now, that they had two separate families and I was his wife now and their step mom and they needed to show me respect. They refused. We tried everything from telling them they had the option to come over and didn't have to if they didn't want to, we tried just offering to take them for the day so they didn't have to spend the night, we tried just my husband taking them out for dinner, they wanted nothing unless I was completely out of the picture. So my husband told them until they decided to grow up and accept me as part of the family, they were not welcome in our home, but that if they ever changed their minds, our door was always open to them. My husband has talked to them several times a week on the phone and they all text regularly, but we haven't seen them now for 2 1/2 years. Life has become stress free & we are so in love & happy. I am 8 mos pregnant and we told them on Father's Day that we were expecting a baby. The response was that they wanted to start seeing us again now. I am afraid to let them back into our lives when they wreaked so much havoc and tried to get us to divorce the first time. I don't mean to be mean, but I want NOTHING to do with them. I had hoped they would contact us after they had grown up and were 18 and no longer manipulated by the vindictive and jealous ex. Their actions hurt me in so many ways. And now that Mark and I moved on and are starting a new family I feel like they are only wanting to get back in to ensure they remain the center of attention. but I will NOT let them treat our child like they treated me. Please help! I want to be a supportive wife to the man I love with all my heart, but I don't think I can emotionally deal with the stress, anger and hurt that I have towards those two brats.

jssdallas's picture

I cannot imagine how you must be feeling! What a difficult time. They very well may be trying to be manipulative with their sudden new interest in their lives, but pretty hard to treat a baby like they would treat you. I have watched my step-children be absolute joys with our daughter and it has been something that we can connect on. BUT I didn't have the behaviors that you did. I am sure that you are totally feeling overwhelmed by their return. Understandably so. I think that you should just maybe test the waters before it all goes back hunky dory. Maybe now that some time has passed you all could go to a family counselor together to see if you can openly communicate about things. Maybe they have been getting some help on their own, they are older, and maybe better able and ready to deal with the changes? UGH. I DO NOT BLAME OYU FOR HOW YOU FEEL AT ALL. And I will say this-I was a MAMA bear deluxe with my baby with the step-kids. Partially b/c they weren't mature enough to do the things they wanted to be doing with an infant, but also b/c you just love your child like nothing else on this earth. I try very hard when I feel frustrated with my step-kids to remember that they are somebodies little babies that they love more than anything and how would I want someone to treat my baby if the tables were turned. I fail more than I succeed but I do try. FEELING for you.

peacemaker's picture

Be honest with your dh...tell him how you feel..It doesn't matter if your feelings are popular with anyone else...it is where you are at right now...Especially being pregnant...You do not need to expose yourself to the complex trauma they keep imposing on you and your dh...

Now is the time for you dh to insist on real change of their treatment of you...he has stood their test of time...They may have to overcome bm loyalty obstacles,,,She may be coaching them just out of curiosity since she has not been allowed access to your relationship with er directly or indirectly (through her children reporting back),,,And, well, now that you are going to have a baby...that takes this to a whole new level....

I would have clear set boundaries in place for a while until hey can learn new life patterns that engage a blended family....

The whole dichotomy of the relationship with them has changed...i would take your time (pregnancy can be quite emotional)...and I would stay true to yourself until you are absolutely convinced they are being honest regarding the relationship with you....

If they are...tell you dh "thank you " from the rest of us here for being the example of standing up for his spouse and being the leader of his family...So many step moms can only imagine how different our lives would have been if our dh's would have just done that....You are one fortunate woman...and God bless you, and your new baby!...peace