That's way over the top and I wouldn't like it either but if you can live with it, it's better if you never snoop again. It will only make you miserable.

It depends, I agree.
If you can look at them and access them and it ALL kids and nothing more, then its harmless.

Our BM was texting 5-6 a day, NEVER child related.
Sending things like:
I have a coupon for clothes for SD
I saw a sign at the bar and thought of you
I heard a song on the radio and made me think of you
Can you talk today? please?
I saw a penis at work and it made me think of you
I will call later so you don't miss me too much

If he didn't reply, she would start with the "Your a worthless POS" and would beat him down and he would come home feeling worthless and think I didn't love him or I wasn't gonna stick around forever because BM just broke him down and then he would shut me out.

It was a real mess. Its getting better now, but now she just beats him down via email. But they are further and few between.

It can depend on their personalities too...me and ex are both talkers...when we were together the joke was that everyone else would be silent when out with us as we used up all the air! I am trying to be better, but I am still a talker...I am from the why use 10 words when I can use 100000 camp! BS8 is the same!

So, even though I cannot stand ex, and I am sure he feels the same, if we call about something BS8 related we can be on the phone for hours! We rarely get off the topic of BS8, we just talk! We then have to text cos we cannot remember what we talked about. I am sure it is super annoying to anyone we are involved with and we do ebb and flow, going weeks without contact.

If it upset a partner of mine, I would try and stop or at least reduce, and sure ex does too. Often we just discuss things at pick ups. BS8 has been having a few issues recently and so we will make sure to talk in front of him, so he knows we are both aware of school issues and he cannot play us. It works really well. When his (I think now ex) GF got nuts over us talking and we did not, BS8 knew it and would play both sides.

If your DH valued you as much as he values his XW you would hot have felt the need to snoop. Yes, you snooped. However, DH is the root cause.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

BTW, I think your therapist is an idiot.

Take care of yourself.

that many texts in a day is excessive. if the texts are not skid related--period--he is too attached to the ex.

time for you to start moving on as your dh is too clueless to understand what he is doing is inappropriate.

The thing for me is that even though the communication is about the kids, it's too excessive. Shit I don't even talk to my husband about our own kids that much. It sounds like she is reaching out constantly to get attention ( using the skids) and engaging in wanting to continue to interact with her ex husband. I don't think it's about the skids at all but that she is using thus as a way to get attention... From YOUR husband. He is her supply. And he is giving it to her. Seriously, who cares if the kids is upset over Blah blah... Start separating your lives. Nothing to do with you guys what goes on at hers.

I would be pissed at how much time ( thought and attention) ex wife is being shiwn by YOUR husband. It's like he is living two lives and has two wives.

Here is the problem as I see it: You sensed there was something up, your gut TOLD you this. All you did by snooping was verify. No apologies for protecting yourself and your interests. So now you know... you're aware. That is entirely too much communication in my book. Ok, if they were negotiating a nuclear arms deal maybe, but certainly not all of those calls and texts over one daughter in a 5 day period.

This Ex is an attention hound, because the Ex knows that when he is talking and communicating with her she has ALL of his attention. She is stealing from you. That's how I see it... be aware, and honestly if you guys are in therapy, you need to inform the therapist that you sensed this, etc. etc. and what is going down. Your DH is not handling this (ha ha ha he wants you to shut up! He is enjoying himself here), sorry but he is reveling in all the attention from two women: You and the Ex.

He should not be hiding this from you if he is commited to you and your relationship. (I'm sorry, not meaning to hurt feelings here... )

While I think you did nothing wrong to check up on the nature of their comms, now that you've verified it's all business then at least you can relax. Just make absolutely sure you never ever let on to him that you snooped. I think if you admit that, then there is a significant chance he would see that as a lack of trust which could seriously affect your relationship.

So, the hardest part of being a snoop is staying quiet about it afterward. Takes the resolve of a CIA operative....but, if you value snooping as an ongoing tool for verification, then never let on what you do, or he'll password his phone and you will be shut out. Never, ever mention it to him!

At present, he probably appreciates you've backed off so he can compartmentalize her. She's not stealing your partner, she's just making him tired of her presence. And no doubt he's only doing what's necessary for his daughter. If you stay right out of it, he will eventually tell her to cut it out (the frequent texts) especially as SD gets older. The background noise of you protesting would only cloud the real annoyance of her behaviour. Make your presence in his life the happy part so he sees how much better off he is with you. You have a good opportunity now to be free of the bitch label while having the advantage of protecting yourself by quietly verifying his honesty.

I have checked on all my partners throughout my five years of being single. Why? Well, for my own protection. It's allowed me to catch four cheaters in that time...and instead of confronting them, I just cut and run, because such creatures never change.

Wasn't this the same counselor that told your husband to minimize contact wroth the ex as well? That's definitely not minimizing contact... but how do you bring it up with out him knowing that you snooped? Maybe casually all how he is doing keeping his contact to a minimal, don't bring it up any further than that. If he is lying don't push him. Bring it up at the next counseling session, unless it's a long time from now... if he is lying call him out on it.

I think that therapist is nuttier than a fruitcake myself. Then again, I would never have wanted my DH to keep BM stuff from me. So much of her crap and drama affected me too! It was nice when I felt like I was getting warning signals from the stuff she sent, even when it made me anxious. I also did the documentation for court purposes.

I figured that you would look. Curiosity is a common human trait. I don't understand why the therapist thinks that ANYONE interrupting your lives this much is APPROPRIATE?!?

*sigh* All right, I'm going to be the lone dissenter, I think. I think your counselor is exactly right. "Too much" is subjective. That "math" about "every 2 hours" is wrong. ("Can I pick up SD 30 min late?" "np" "thx" is three texts and hardly takes 6 hours.) You ARE two different people and I don't buy into that sappy "we are one now" crap. You're partners, yes, and it sounds like your DH is consulting you about things that affect you, even slightly. So I think you demanding he change what's working is unreasonable.

Also, not for nothing, but you said that you talk to your EX (whom you do NOT have a child with) "once a year to say 'hi' and catch up". I would argue that talking to HIM is "too much" and disrespectful to your DH. Especially considering your sensitivity to "too much connection to an ex", I'd think you'd stop talking to yours entirely. Why haven't you?