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Snooper on SS iPod. Calls me a 'dick' to his friends

Lsng's picture

Submitted by Lsng on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 11:35am

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Step/Bio Father's Den

So, I snooped. SS had his iPod taken away by mom for a week. I saw it and started snooping.

SS invites friends over when we aren't home, I find out and break up the plans. SS texts to his friend that "LSNG is being a dick as usual and fucking up my plans"

Any advice? I was snooping. Is that wrong? How do I address this with my wife (his mom)? How do I address it with him?

The thing that kills me: he tells his friend to come over because he has madden for xbox.....I bought that for him. Sux.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 11:51am

SD9 called me an effing bitch b/c that's what BM calls me. I am very proud of that LOL. Once I told her that effing bitches don't let girls have sleepovers, be a cheerleader or use the phone...haven't heard it again since.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 11:49am

I have snooped on SD 12. I don't feel its snooping b/c she is 12, has a facebook acct and no adult checks up on it, but I don't tell DSO...right or wrong, my house and I don't care.

She said something to a friend in her chat session that kind of hurt. I didn't tell anyone but it is a little nugget I keep in my head. But I have 2 adult bios and I have heard worse many times and I survived and its all good now.

I really don't much advice except that is what kids do as they are growing up. If your relationship with him is OK, I don't see a reason to ruin things. He will lose his trust of you if he knows you are snooping and it can do downhill fast after that.

Lsng's picture

Submitted by Lsng on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 11:58am

Thx for the quick replies. Seems like I should just let it go.

I'm new to this forum: what do these acronyms mean: DSO DW.

Thx all!

EvilWickedSM's picture

Submitted by EvilWickedSM on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 11:59am

It don't think it is wrong at all to snoop on our kids. I used to do it to SD before I disengaged, because neither of her parents are bothered with checking it to see what she's doing. Several months ago she has tweeted something about her parents, and I told her dad. He told her mom, who apparently said something to her. (all of this was readily able to be seen because she didn't have her account blocked, so I really wasn't snooping in this case). Well, right after her mom confronted her, she blocked her twitter account and do you know that neither of her parents were at all concerned with it, not even enough to demand her password so that they can check it!!?!?!? Ridiculous. I'd have been in DD's ass if she tried to block me from anything like that....especially to be so blatant about it.

Lsng's picture

Submitted by Lsng on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 12:18pm

I dunno echo. It's my house. My SS is 12. He's on the verge of exposure to girls, porn, alcohol .....I don't want that shit in my house. How can I just turn the other way? Mom is often overwhelmed and a bit naive ("my son would never look at porn")..

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 12:31pm

Yea...I don't think the snooping is a problem. It is your house after all.

I agree with AA...be a little passive aggressive about it.

And this is easier said than done...but try not to be too offended. I know I called my parents some not so nice names to my friends. And I am sure my kids did the same about me. It is the nature of the teenage beast.

Lsng's picture

Submitted by Lsng on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 3:17pm

I have to admit, I am having a hard time with this.... I'm pretty pissed. Hard to let go. Hard to calm myself down. I feel like he is a little sh*t for this....I put up with a lot of bullsh*t around here, and name calling is one of my big buttons....I'm just so pissed.

Thanks for letting me vent

Lsng's picture

Submitted by Lsng on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:31pm

Update: SS12 comes home, putzes around, then asks if he can borrow one of my tools from the garage (a new positive development, him asking first). I said 'No, I'm a DICK, remember?" He was totally stunned, went up to his room.

I went up a few minutes later and explained exactly how it had made me feel. How my feelings were hurt, how his parents would KILL him if they knew he called me that. Then I left.

About a half hour later, he came out of his room and apologized to me, and asked if there was anything he could do to make it up to me. He did this all on his own.

daddyrob's picture

Submitted by daddyrob on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 9:21am

I'm glad he apologized to you. That's big. As far as the snooping, yes, children should not have privacy in your home with certain things. However, Echo is right, his mom should be the one to do it. Not you. It sucks, its not fair, but that's just the way it is. Being a step parent sucks in many ways. You're expected to treat the children as you do your own on the positive things, yet when it comes to discipline, they're not yours and you're expected to step back. You need to tell your wife you snooped and encourage her to do it and be on top of him. Hope that helps.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 10/23/2013 - 9:33am

Web cams and call the police when the friends show up when you and DW are not home. Use the intelligence you have gained to establish your strategy to bring consequences to bear as appropriate.

Kids in a home provided by their parents have not rights to privacy beyond having the bathroom door closed when they are using the toilet or shower and their bedroom closed if they are getting dressed or undressed. If they are trust worthy there is no need for any privacy beyond what I have mentioned.

We did random phone and computer checks on the Skid when he was in his preteens and teens. Nothing more than give it to me and show me what you have been doing. He himmed and hawed but showed us and there was never anything worse than normal preteen and teen boy behavior. he knew we would check and we knew that we could trust him for the most part. On two occassions we did find some porn surfing but nothing significantly different than scamming a copy of PentHouse or PlayBoy as teen boys in the pre internet age.

What you are doing is exactly what any diligent parent should be doing. IMHO of course.

Trust but verify and if you verify and there is reason to lose trust then adjust and do it all again.

Volvotank's picture

Submitted by Volvotank on Mon, 11/11/2013 - 9:37pm

I can't help but feel that Echo is wrong. Just because a result will make things more difficult doesn't mean he shouldn't do it. You telling me that the step dad should not be the father, and has no say in the kids? Thats crap, kids want to be loved, they want for their guardians to show they care through discipline and what have you. Making the mom do everything would just make the kid think that he doesn't give a shit.

In know how hard it is being a step dad. You will never be appreciated and you will never be thanked for making the kids lives better probably. Maybe one day you might, but odds are you don't. I knew that going in and im ok with it most days. However, the day i married my wife i also married the kids and I do believe that makes me the father especially when their dad is nowhere to be found. Just because it makes life more difficult doesn't mean it isn't the right thing. Life would be easy if I didn't give a shit about the kids and just ignored their existence, but I can't be that kind of Father and it sounds like Lsng isn't either.

Grats on getting through to your stepson. IF he admitted wrong your relationship is stronger than you realize.