Advice for lying SS and how to discipline appropriately
My ss9 keeps lying about things and it is annoying the crap out of me. I can't rely on my dh to discipline him because he is at work most of the time and hardly pays attention to his kids when he is home. For instance, the boys have been breaking outside rules by going places without telling us where they are going. So, before they were allowed to leave, I had them read the rules I had written down and asked them if they understood them. The oldest, ss9, said yes. I took a walk down to where they said they were playing, and they weren't there. I went and found them and told them to come home. SS7 told me that ss9 led them right to another place instead of going to where they were supposed to go. I grounded them from outside for the evening, and grounded them to playing outside just around the house for the rest of the week. Now, this morning the boys are talking about some show they saw and repeating it line for line. I ask them where they heard it from, and ss9 says they are just making it up in their head. I ask ss7 where he heard it from, and he tells me they were watching it on their friend's phone when they were outside. I told ss9 that, once, again, he was intentionally lying to me. He said he knows. This has been going on for months now. I am beside myself. And worse, last weekend my dh mentioned how he feels bad for ss9 because he's always in trouble. I can't help that he doesn't follow the rules and constantly breaks my trust. I am having difficulty knowing how to handle the situation. I am torn because dh leaves for deployment in 3 months and I will be the sole caretaker for 6 months. I definitely do no want this behavior continuing but I also don't want to break the damn boys spirit. Utterly exhausted and confused. I like the punishment to fit the crime, so I wouldn't want to just arbitrarily ground him. But, at this point, I don't know what to do.
Lying was the single behavior
Lying was the single behavior guaranteed to get us a belt to the bare ass butt whuupin when we were kids. It was the same with my kid.
It works minimize the lying, try it.
Another good punishment tactic is sentences. Tens of thousands of them over many years if necessary.
"I will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate anyone who does. I will answer all questions from adults including teachers, coaches, parents promptly and truthfully."
All of them in perfect hand writing, perfect punctuation, perfect grammar, and perfect spelling at the rate of 140 per hour. To miss one hours quota, have one messy letter, one inaccurate punctuation mark, one misspelling resets the count.
If she is lying then she can be writing when she should be having fun.
Have fun comming up with innovative, personally entertaining, and appropriately unpleasant consequences if you don't like a bare ass butt whuupin or countless sentences. }:)
I think I am going to go with
I think I am going to go with the sentences. I have also had him write an apology letter, but I don't think that hits home as much as this will.
I do my best not to get mad.
I do my best not to get mad. When he lied about the park I spoke with him calmly about why it was wrong and I talk to him a lot about how he's losing my trust. This morning I was stern with him, I accidentally took it to a personal level and told him that I wasn't stupid and that his lying in no way benefits him, and told him we would talk about it when he gets home. When I do notice him telling the truth, as simple as him telling me he didn't floss his teeth, I try to tell him thank you for being honest and give him a hug. Furthermore, I tell him that when he follows the rules he is rewarded with his free time, being able to go out and play with his friends or partake in media. I try to show him the exchange of respect from me to him when he respects me enough to tell the truth. Lately I have just been really down on myself because I feel like I am doing it all wrong and he's just going to grow up hating me. We have a fairly good step-relationship, he is constantly mad though because he doesn't like our house rules compared to his mom's, so I feel like he is always acting out when he's given consequences. I feel like he's trying to break my spirit and I just need a reminder that parenting is tough and I don't have to back down just so he'll be happy.
The mom is unreliable and
The mom is unreliable and unstable. The last we heard she was homeless. She went to rehab in September and claims to be clean, but she doesn't even have a phone number and she didn't even call the children on mother's day. It's been over 2 weeks since she's called them. Luckily though, we live on a Navy base, so the neighborhood is extremely safe. However, we won't always be on base and I don't want him to think that this is how the world is. He does need to be reminded that we need to know where he is, and I really don't want his lying to rub off on his brother.
First and foremost, never
First and foremost, never EVER threaten. Always promise. If you threaten things you cannot possible do or won't do, your word and your discipline mean zero.
And, do exactly what crazytrain said and find his currency. For my BS it was actual currency (cash) for a while and knight figurines.
There is no reward for NOT lying. No one is supposed to lie, truthfulness is supposed to be normal. No participation badges.
There has to be a punishment for both the infraction AND the lie. If the infraction was an accident but there was also a lie involved, then make sure your SS knows you are punishing the lie, not the accident. The punishments cannot be similar: PS3 gone for two days for the infraction and 2 more days for the lie. Nope. PS3 gone AND something else. They have to see the lie as distinct.
If that fails to change the child, then something embarrassing usually works. My own BS was not doing something I told him to do, repeatedly. I ended up having to leave work to get him, he went back to work with me and had to sit in a timeout at work with a sign on the chair telling my coworkers not to talk to him because he was being punished. It was an excellent deterrent.