Skids,bio mum......and sexting
Hi, my topic may seem slightly misplaced but I'm so used to this website so hope you can bear with me.
Been with my partner close to 4 years now and we now have a 14 month old daughter. My relationship with skids is close to non existent and bio mum is constantly sabotaging most things....the usual story.
I try my very best to be a good step mum. Truth is I feel nothing for my skids but my partner is very happy when we all engage so I mostly do it for him.
Anyway, we've had trust issues which I thought couples counselling was helping with in addition to dealing with skids etc and making our family work.
Long story short I caught my partner sexting a girl from work. My partner and I work for the same fairly small company so does this girl. I first discovered the inappropriate texts about a month ago and he promised he would stop but now he's managed to hide his whatsapp so it seems to operate in stealth mode but through sheer luck I saw the texts. I was furious and he kept insisting he hadn't slept with her....well, even if he hadn't it's pretty darn close to happening.
This is not the first woman from work he has done this with. By the end of the argument a lot of things were said he even said I should leave him because he is untrustworthy and always has...reason for first marriage failing. He doesn't have friends so claims he should be allowed to continue interacting with work mates after hours....nothing wrong with that but not when all those workmates are attractive females and the exchanges are sexual. This is the same man who after each time he gets caught he wants to make me play happy families. I'm the woman who gets dumped on by his kids, sd5 and ss7 while his floozies enjoy his fun side only.
I believe an affair starts somewhere. People don't just start by sleeping together. They get to know each other first etc so to avoid affairs surely you avoid situations that lead to them?
Just because your man hasn't slept with another woman should setting be appropriate?
OH man. You need to get out
OH man. You need to get out of this relationship now. Sexting is cheating. If he has to hide it, it isn't right. Just go. Pack up and leave. Sorry to be so harsh and straight forward, but you have already given him too many chances. This guy is gonna (if he hasn't already) sleep with one of these girls. NO doubt about it.
You gave him a chance and he
You gave him a chance and he chose not to take it. If he really wanted to change he would have already done it. You are in counseling and it doesn't seem to be helping.
You are right, the sexting is one step away from a physical relationship. Doesn't matter, they are both cheating. This seems to be a pattern since it is what he did during his first marriage and there doesn't seem to be any indication that he is going to change.
Leave him and get a good lawyer.
I've always been of the mind
I've always been of the mind that if you do something naughty, you hide it.
If you wouldn't do something in front of your spouse or partner, DON'T DO IT.
The most worrisome phrase i read was:
~~ each time he gets caught~~
Each time? C'mon. Leave.
Your DH just took the first
Your DH just took the first step to an affair, I've seen people forgive and forget.
I'm not one of them.
He cheated in my book
Thanks for the replies...the
Thanks for the replies...the famous cliche ...' But I do love him dearly' is unfortunately in operation. I would love to think he will change but all your comments make sense, I've run all those things through my mind.
I find it humiliating to sit in an office not knowing which woman is setting. For now my work is convenient because it's 5 minute walk from my daughters daycare but now that she is settled and I don't have to go there during the day when she's refusing to eat or sleep...I can move workplaces.
Things will certainly shift at work for the better or worse because in my anger I made him call her back when she answered I told her it was me and that he had something to say to her. He apologised for everything and said he will never sext her again. I took the phone and told her that I blame him more than her but she works with us and knows we are together and quite frankly I won't tolerate that kind of bs in my relationship. She's most likely going to tell HR about it so not sure if we will all be called into a meeting at work soon. My partner is a senior manager- the company lawyer- so quite a high ranking job. He wanted to sleep in the skids room and I told him he was better off leaving so he slept in his car and came back in some hours later. He chose to smash his work iPhone than for me to see what was on it. So now he has to explain why his 3 month old iPhone 6 needs to be replaced.
It was quite comical but tragic same time.
Overlay working full time,
Overlay working full time, studying part time, a 14 month old and trying to get along with skids... I feel like I will explode.
This IS an affair, and I've
This IS an affair, and I've lived it. And I know exactly what you mean by you get the ordinary guy and those other women get the fun guy. He used to flirt with you like that too I bet, right? And it was fun!
Last time I caught DH I insisted he get help, otherwise he'd be out. These were usually women I knew, some I had considered friends. It was devastating to me, and he had lots of excuses and I always forgave him. He'd beg, cry, apologize. Then later find excuses and gaslight. It was a terrible time.
That last episode was on a random Friday. I didn't cry, scream, really wasn't that angry. But I was done. He knew it. He was in his psychiatrist's office in person when they opened on Monday for a referral to an experienced (male) therapist. He has been seeing a therapist ever since, and it's been about two years. Indeed, he has issues, and these women were about his own feelings of inadequacy, about living in fantasy instead of coping with real life.
But he took action, has shown me that he wants me to stay, and I will. He is stronger now, making progress. I continue to occasionally check his phone or fb chat, and so far he has kept his word to me. I love him and can't imagine my life without him, but I will never completely trust him again, and that is very sad.
Very brave of you. I can
Very brave of you. I can relate to your situation because I'm also finding it hard to imagine life without him and more than anything want for him to get help if it works. I can't believe we sit through therapy and all along he knows what he is up to. He always wants counselling to focus on his kids...mostly how I'm not close to them despite them being very difficult cold kids. My 14 month old gives lots of hugs and Ss7 even asked why she does that coz he never gives his dad's hugs or cuddles...those are the kind of skids I am expected to be warm and fuzzy with.
I constantly feel bad about the skids but it's all been about him wanting a cozy family life while he keeps his setting fun on the side. We are both high flyers with so much going for us but my goodness it's exhausting.
Then you have to change the
Then you have to change the script. YOU are not the problem. YOU do not have to be warm and affectionate to kids that are not yours. YOU can't automatically love them. That he expects you to is kind of nuts, and if your therapist is buying in to that, you might consider changing.
I don't go to therapy with my DH. It is HIS issue. He will sometimes tell me what went on, sometimes not. Sometimes it takes him a few days to talk about it. I never ask. If he wants to talk, I'm glad to do that. Sometimes there are triggers for me and I get hurt and mad all over again, and I tell him about those. If I'm suffering over this, you bet he's going to revisit the issue and suffer right along with me. I don't do that to be spiteful, but he needs to see how much he hurt me and that it still hurts. Those triggers are fewer and fewer though.
One book was sort of helpful to me. Title is Chatting or Cheating. I forget the author.
You have to decide your bottom line. I'd say your skids are probably not your biggest issue--your lying, cheating partner is. He's looking for Brady Bunch meets the porn industry or something, and that's just wrong.
What were you expecting us to
What were you expecting us to say? Poor Takemyskids? If you continue to stay with thus liar and cheater you will get what is clearly coming to you... A liar and cheater of a boy friend! He knows you want a family and uses that to smooth things over so he continue the affair behind your back.
uuuuggghhhh! Get out now and hold your head up high. I abhor cheaters and he has shown you before he can cheat ( last marriage) and he is doing it again!!!!! Wtf! Are you blind?
Not at all. I've been on this
Not at all. I've been on this forum long enough to not expect those kind of responses and I appreciate all the harsh responses too. Just sharing my situation.
Sorry that you're going
Sorry that you're going through this right now.
Im sure you have heard "once
Im sure you have heard
"once a cheat always a cheat"
But have you heard:
"She is his princess"
My ex was a cheat. So I understand your feelings.
But we had a friend who lost his wife when she was 30, he was 36. He now is 46, never remarried.
Why?
Because "she was his princess"
No one will EVER compare.
I am DHs princess too and everyone can see it. So many times I've heard people say "I wish I could find someone out there that loved me the way he loves you"
YOU CAN!
There is somone out there who will love you, cherish you, put you on a pedistal and love you like his princess.
Don't ever settle for anything less!
Your choice is to ignore the
Your choice is to ignore the sexting and just know one day some woman or her husband will force the issue and he will lose his job. His kids are little hedgehogs so you put up with them and fake your life away. he will continue to make grand gestures like smashing phones and shaving all his hair off or...
He will man up, apply for a new job away from temptation. He will get counselling for a minimum of 2 yrs. He will not force his kids on you and allow you to reach your own relationship with them whatever that ends up being (I think my Sssons like me more than I like them!)... or ...
You tell him this is not the life you want and you are leaving. You move out, hit him for fair c/support and allow him to see his child as often as he likes (which will end up as NEVER)and move on with your life.
At the end of the day you have to live with yourself. We aren't holding you when you cry into your pillow at night when he starts this crap again. And frankly for a hig flyer he should know better than to cyberly screw with the crew. My 32 yr old daughter has had this rule in her life since she started working at 19. Never screw with the crew.
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's even worse given the fact you have taken on these kids that aren't your's and are doing your best to support him. Meanwhile he's cheating. That just disgusts me.
I can't tell you to leave him but I do hope you are able to find happiness. You deserve a happy family life and not to have to give all the time and receive zero respect in return.
Nope, Sue, you know nothing
Nope, Sue, you know nothing about me and my self esteem--only this one thing that you think I didn't handle the way you would have. That doesn't make either one of us right or wrong. I run a $60+Million shop, hire and fire, have worked with actual brain surgeons and rocket scientists with authority (and fortitude) to tell them "no" when necessary in a regulatory environment for which I am an expert. And just yesterday I called out a bunch of guys in a bar for making jokes about rape. Nothing wrong with my self-esteem, and I'm not exactly the shy, retiring type.
I don't believe I gave the OP advice to stay, and if I did that was not my intention. I told her my story. I made a decision. OP will make her own decision. Other people would make decisions that are different from mine--either by leaving their relationship or by finding a way to tolerate bad behavior. I'm not going to judge those decisions based on a handful of paragraphs on an anonymous board. We're all more complex than our posts.
Affairs, physical and emotional, are shockingly common. I did the work to understand what was going on with my DH and with our marriage. I wasn't going to toss my marriage out on the basis of platitudes ("once a cheater always a cheater") and my anger. I made the decision to stay, provided he would do what was necessary to end this nasty game he was playing. It wasn't an easy decision and it wasn't made in a day or even in a month. It took research and work, and I ultimately laid out clear expectations for DH if he wanted to be with me. If he couldn't meet those expectations, then my decision would have been to leave. Should he not meet those expectations today or ten years from now, then that's the end. I won't go through it again. The mistake I did make was not laying out those clear expectations the first time I became aware of his behavior. That is a lesson I hope our OP can use.
Marriages do survive affairs, and I am willing to do the work to give mine a chance for survival. If OP's partner is not willing to get help for whatever drives him to act like an asshole, then I hope her decision will be different from mine.