DH wants advice. What do I tell him?
Summary- 2skids SS12 & SD 9 - crazy BM has PASd SS12. Also SS22 (adult)
I am totally disengaged from skids. SS12 hates me and will do anything in his power to pull DH away from me. SS will not enter the room if I am in it. SS follows "daddy" around the house the entire visit. SD is pretty normal other than the brainwashing from BM that I am Satan, She treats me respectfully & I can enjoy her time in the house.
Anyhow- The other night during visitation ( skids will only stay at our home 2-3 hrs & won't spend overnights) Adult SS22 came for a visit. He and I have a great relationship. So DH, SD9 and I were all laughing and talking in the living room. SS12 was pouting outside, in the rain, because DH was in the living room having fun and beside me and not the center of attention. SS did not renter the house until he was so soaking wet that he was dripping and couldn't stand being cold. --DH caters to SS12, SS has no friends outside of the "approved church circle" (BM approved) - DH & SS normally go up to play Xbox for 3 hrs of visitation while SD9 plays with my DD10.
I decided last night I was going to mention to DH that SS12 would be entering JR high in fall & that I felt like he needed to say something/deal with his immature behavior. DH thinks SS is fine and "just misses his dad" and only "needs more daddy/son time". Ummm... I said to him, " no, he needs a parent. Not a Disney dad that caters to his every whim and entertains him the entire visit." IMO DH should have yanked his whiny ass in the house the other night while he was out in the pouring rain for hours pouting. DH asked me how I would approach the situation. I am disengaged, but I want to help DH in his dealing of the situation as it will affect me too. Any ideas??
Need ideas on DH parenting a 12 yr old brainwashed child (BM refuses counseling for him)
DH sees skids EOWE for 10-12 hours total & every Tues 3 hrs, Every other Thurs 3 hrs.
The problem with that is his
The problem with that is his visitation hours are 6pm-9pm & on weekends 3-9 S& S. BM will not allow visits outside our hours...no therapists are open those hours.
He does have CO for overnights. They stayed overnight up until 1 1/2 hrs ago when they were told that I was Satan. Now when DH tries to insist they stay, both skids breakdown and cry and call mommy to rescue them. DH deems that it's not worth making them upset to enforce overnights so he takes them home @bedtime.
In my experience, counselors
In my experience, counselors don't work 8-5 pm, so I don't understand the comment: "no therapist are open those hours." Even when I lived on a ranch in the boonies, the nearest small rural town had a counselor with some evening hours & weekend hours. DH's health insurance can probably help find a counselor in your area who can work within your constraints. Don't forget "Doctor On Demand," the internet-based provider which does offer family/child counseling.
DH may need to step out of his comfort zone to help this one child.
I agree. If my DD's pulled
I agree. If my DD's pulled that crap they would both be punished. DH doesn't want to parent & this is why I disengaged. DH is nothing but a Disney dad. He does nothing with SD's or his own D when she is here,
You're totally right, I have
You're totally right, I have seen this coming for years. DH is afraid they won't want to come visit so he wants to be disney dad when they're here. No structure, no rules, it's kept them coming so far. We have a home with a bedroom for all of the skids. Since its been 1.5 years since they've slept in their rooms, I wanted to make one room an office.... DH said no way. (they might decide to stay, he thinks) It irks me that he is so naive and has let this go on so long so when he asked for advice, I thought I should at least try to give him a suggestion. So far he has come up with " ignore SS negative behavior & it will go away" uh huh... Wishful thinking.
Excellent advice ladies. I'm
Excellent advice ladies. I'm not going to suggest anything as I cannot see that anything at this point will turn SS around. I think by the time he is 13 he won't want to come at all since he has gotten progressively worse over past 1.5 years. BM is getting exactly what she wants, DH out of the picture. DH can handle it as he wants & that way I don't get blamed.
Thank you ALL for being there & offering advice.
bm married her lover and took
bm married her lover and took the skids out of state when still in nappies. skids came for visitation during summer and school brakes so it was disney dad several times a year. when one skid did not get what she wanted she refused to talk to him for eight months.
it was humiliating wit see dh call skids each weak and leave a whiny begging voice mail, "hello this is dad. i really miss you and want to talk to you. i miss you and love you so much. call me okay?
i can only imagine the laughs the skids had screening his calls.
I agree that is so stupid.
I agree that is so stupid. My favorite was DSO got holidays from 11am to 3pm. How the hell was I supposed to have a family meal with the skids at that time. The skids would want lunch (I don't think BM gave them breakfast) when they got to our house so if I tried to have a meal ready early enough for them to eat, they weren't hungry...and then be ready for dinner when they got to BMs family dinner. Not to mention, BM had 4 hours to prepare a meal in a quiet house, while I was ready to start throwing knives.
I have a very weird
I have a very weird disengagement with skids. SS21 and 15, I do nothing for. I am polite and say Hello and Goodbye (in front of Dad so he sees they just ignore me). Now with SD I'm 50/50. Dad is in charge of most stuff. I did taking her and her BFF shopping for their 8th grade Spring Dance dresses. I will take her to practice or a game but I don't go out of my way to take her places or act like her BFF or Bestest Aunt.
DSO probably doesn't even know I'm disengaged to a point with her...I just tell him 'You wanted 100% custody so you need to do most of the work or give her back to BM.'
Its just what I feel comfortable with and what won't stress me the hell out.