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Baby mama drama

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 9:57am

So BM just sent me an sms telling me "you guys can you please buy SS22 a cellphone, he has not had a cellphone for 3 months. I will later ask you to help him with driver's licence. If you don't do it, i will assist him to apply for maintenance at court". This is after sye emailed SO about this cellphone  & SS22 had already asked SO to get him a cellphone, i don't know what was the conclusion. 

I then showed SO, who just brushed off his BM's sms like it's nothing while I'm fuming, because I'm forcefully involved in their drama whereas I don't even have access to SO's finances. I'm independent, do my own thing, he does his own thing with his salary, I don't know how much he earns, I don't even know his bank card pin no, yet we are staying together. I don't even get an allowance. I keep quiet cause i don't want frustration, i use my own finances. If SO does something for me, he'd rather pay for it, he doesn't give me the money to see what to do around the house or for myself. BM told me he is very stingy, I see it now. 

I blocked BM yet again without dignifying her sms with a reply. Like I did many times before, but she keeps using a new number everytime I block her. 

I believe SS22 is big enough to talk to SO & arrange something. It's January for heaven's sake & SO was taking care of SS9's school necessities. BM does absolutely nothing, she demands that SO does everything for both Skids. She once said she wants to suck him dry...financially. Sometimes I get mad seeing how she manages to manipulate situations & SO while she works & doesn't want to do anyhting for her kids. 

SS22 is turning 23 mid this year & he completed tertiary. SO was responsible for him, solely so. Now he is taking care of SS9's school needs. Would it be too much for BM to meet SO halfway & for SS22 to look for a temp job to meet his own needs while waiting for the dream job?

This SS issue & BM drama really get to me. I become so mad that I regret even staying with SO.

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 10:36am

Is the SS in school?  If not, he should already be working.

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 1:51am

He finished tertiary education 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 10:57am

IMHO, at 23, he's old enough to take care of his own phone needs. And what is the "maintenance"about?

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 12:47pm

Yeah, i don't think you can be forced to pay child support for a 22-year-old baby, in any country or even California. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 3:30pm

Long ago we had an active STalker from SA.  We also had one from New Zealand.  It was always interesting how common SParenting/blended family issues are even between different countries.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 3:27pm

For clarification.....

In three states plus the district of Columbia, New York, Indiana and Mississippi the age of majority is 21. That leaves 43 other states where the age of majority is 18. So in those states child support will be assessed until the child either reaches 19 or 21.Nov 8, 2022

Not sure where they got the math stipulating "That leaves 43 other states where the age of majority is 18".

But, there are a couple of Status/Districts in the US where CS goest beyond 18 or HS graduation, whichever is the later.

In the people's  US West Coast Republic of SpermLand, it ends at 18. But... it can continue until age 21 if the kid is a full time student in good standing with their college/university/trade school. Interestingly, that is at the discretion of the kid.  If they inform the DA's office of enrollment in a school post HS, and demand CS, direct payroll withholding of CS from the NCP's pay checks continues through the CS no longer goes to the NCP, it goes directly to the kid.

My SS let the SpermClan off of the hook for the extra 3yrs of CS.  Against my advice.  

For broader reference of the CS implications in US States... see below.

https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/child-support-age-of-emancipation-in-yo...

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 1:54am

SS is old enough to hustle & get his own phone. BM just enioys frustrating our lives. I try not to allow her, but sometimes it's  difficult not to feel anything or to just ignore her nonsense. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 02/18/2024 - 12:25am

Block BM from any communication except via a court monitored failed family communication app.  No calls, no texts.  And for damned sure not a Cent for a 23yo kidult.  As for SS-9.  Not one micro-Rand that benefits BM in any way and only pay what the courts have stipulated. 

Not sure how SA does the whole custody and child support thing. Whatever it is, no funds that BM can utilize at her own discretion and cut support as much as possible now that only one Skid remains a minor.

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 2:11am

I agree with you there. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 1:37pm

Hell no, don't spend a penny on SS-22.  Good luck to BM going for support for a 22yo.  No phone, no nothing for an adult kid.  Particularly when a toxic X demands it.

Do not reply to her at all. Neither should DH.  Not at all. Except on legitimate topics regarding SS-9.

Not a word or contact regarding SS-22. If the 22yo needs something from daddy or wants to speak with daddy, he can address daddy directly.  

Time for DH to grow some testicular fortitude and put his X and adult spawn in their place.

Take care of you.

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 2:06am

I demanded that he protects me from his BM. He sent her an email just an hour ago telling her to stop contacting me & directly communicate with him. 

 

I don't want to deal with her cause one cannot have a decent or civilised conversation with her, she is rude, nasty & narcissistic. Her tone & words are sharp. She always offends me. I never did anything to her. She's the one who left SO, I met SO a year after they went their separate ways & living apart. So I'd rather not have communication with her. I don't have any bussiness with her. She must direct her frustratiins to SO. 

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 2:38am

There's no reason for her to contact you at all. Keep hanging up on her and immediately blocking the number she calls from.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 10:24am

I honestly don't see why OP's DH still "coparents" with BM, either. Unless they are discussing how to split college costs or split the cost of something like a wedding, there is no reason for BM to be contacting DH about him on a regular basis. Especially if she is a high-conflict person. SS needs help with a phone? He can ask DH directly. No reason for BM to be asking DH for money for a phone for a 22-year-old. She sounds like she stirs up drama. Cut off the drama at the source. Although if they also have a 9-year-old together, he will still have to talk to her. 

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 2:06pm

he's 22. he can get a j-o-b. if he doesn't want to work, no phone for him. and maintanence? um .. no because he's t-w-e-n-t-y t-w-o

 

 

don't even dignify this stupidity with a reply. 

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 2:00am

He is old enough to pave his own way. His peers are hustling to buy themselves the things they want. BM encourages SS22 to be dependent & fights SO yo be the one providing for SS22 while he has to also provide everything for SS9. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 3:43pm

Well, then BM can support him.

I am of the mind that CS is the full responsibility that an NCP has for supporting their child, unless otherwise legally ordered under a Court Order.  That includes college.  If an X even mentioned me paying for college for a kid, nope.  That discussion has zero to do with the X.  If my kid did not have the testicular fortitude to discuss financial support of their college with me, then the kid can get the money from the X, or ... pay for it themselves.

For clarification, I have zero issue with paying for a kid's college. What I have issue with is an X who thinks they matter at all in that discussion.  Unless.. the X is reasonable and the kid is of quality. In which case, I'll have the discussion with them.  Though only within boundaries determine in discussion with my life partner.  If my life partner takes exception to our marital resources going to send a kid to college.... Nope, the kid figures it out for themselves.

Once a prior relationship breeder remarries, they do not have autonamy of choice in these things. Their mate has a full say in the decision.

Probably not a popular position for many who bring kids to a subsequent marriage, but.... The X does not matter. The mate does.  The kids matter but only within the context of a CO and .... earning that they matter by performing to behavioral standards and performance standards.

IMHO of course.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

Submitted by 1st3rd5thWEInHell on Sat, 01/20/2024 - 7:53pm

Tell your husband to handle his own affairs and he can go to the cell store and get a fliphone or a second hand phone. I would personally get a lousy phone that only serves for calls/sms and call it a day. If he doesnt like it, he can ask his BM

Your SO will never see the end of the tunnel financially so its good that you are independent and dont expect anything financially because believe me you wont see a penny from him...He will be a forever wallet with the way thinhs are going....a 9 yo at that....

Good luck to you and good on you for blocking the crazy person

Yummy mummy's picture

Submitted by Yummy mummy on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 1:57am

Thank you for your advice. You have just given me an idea. 

wicked123's picture

Submitted by wicked123 on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 5:22am

Why is BM still bothering you two about an adult child ready to launch into life?  This sounds like a very co dependent attention seeking person who is eating it that your SO moved on from her and is making a life with you.  This isn't about her anymore. I would tell her that what you do with your money, is none of her business.  This BM is trying to stir up division out of her own lack of having a life and guiding principles.  Block her.  You are under no obligation to include her in your lives anymore.  Seems as if she thinks if I can't have him, no one will, and his responses seem to say, I can't make anyone happy so I'll just make myself happy.  This adult child has failure to launch syndrome, and the only way to stop it is to ignite the burners and give a good solid push.  I hope you are taking care of you, your emotionally health.  Taking your power back lies in self care, after that it all falls into place in my experience. God bless.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 9:43am

Can help SS set up a cell account in SS name.  And pay fir the phone and two months of service.  Then SS is on his own,  SS just get a job like the rest of us.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 01/21/2024 - 9:43am

Can help SS set up a cell account in SS name.  And pay fir the phone and two months of service.  Then SS is on his own,  SS just get a job like the rest of us.

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Mon, 01/22/2024 - 6:57am

your SO does not need to do anything that BM wants.. and you will just have to keep blocking her.. and ignoring the texts that make it through.

RE the 22 yo.  I believe you are saying he is getting ready to graduate from College.  I could see a cell phone being helpful in his job search etc.. so if I were your SO.. I WOULD be helping to get him one.. but it would be more along the lines of a Pay as you go month to month plan for his son.. in his son's name.. that he might agree to help with for the first few months.. and it would not be the latest version of any manufacturer's phone.. but a model that is "new" or refurbished.. in good working order should be enough for him to use for zoom meeting interviews.. phone calls.. video calls.. online searches etc...

I don't see helping an adult kid with something like a phone to be terribly over the top.. if it will help him lead to a more independent life.   now if your SO cannot afford to do it.. that's another story.. but sometimes the reality is the ex can't or won't pay.. and then the parent has to look to what is best for their child.. no matter what the ex does.. that can't be controlled.