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Hindsight is 20/20 - Advice please!

AA0510's picture

Submitted by AA0510 on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 4:43am

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General Discussion

Hello,

I am with a man, and he has 2 children, SS6 and SS4. We are madly in love, and live together. We are very open about the kids and his situation, and I always ask him questions regarding the future and how things will be when we have our own children. What scares me is the unknown. I don't know what I don't know, and I am just trying to prepare ourselves for any situation by being open and talking about possible obstacles that can come our way.

I am wondering if anyone has any advice that they wish they would have known or have asked their partner before getting very serious? Hindsight is 20/20, and I would like to use your past experience to help me prepare for my future.

Any piece of information or advice would be greatly appreciate, be it financial, emotional, logistical.

Thanks Smile

AA0510's picture

Submitted by AA0510 on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 5:42am

Thank you so much for this! Luckily BM lives 4 hours away and there is no contact what-so-ever. I hope it remains this way.

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 6:44am

Oh dear. There are so many things you should know, and depending on your partner, the way he truly parents, his ex and how "crazy" she is, and how the skids behave, there are a million potential answers to your question.

But first I must ask you this: How did you find this page, and why were you looking for it?

You see, it's unusual for someone to come across this page who isn't nearing the end of his or her proverbial rope lol! So what specifically made you seek out this place of refuge?

Mikhaila87's picture

Submitted by Mikhaila87 on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 7:12am

Just make sure you have his full support. As I see my SS10 and SS8 a lot. Every weekend with a nutty BM. So he needs to be strong for you. And I do think we are lucky to have boys rather than girls. You need to show the kids a united front, soon as they see a weakness they are on it!

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 9:15am

Please PLEASE make sure both of read StepMonster and discuss every single chapter. DO IT NOW.

I was also "madly in love", but would not have married my DH if we had read that book and actually discussed what each of us had in mind.

I thought "we will be equal partners and have a blended family"

He thought "she can do all the housework and help raise the kids, but have no input in any major choices, and when she objects I will throw it in her face that she IS NOT THEIR PARENT and that anything negative about the kids automatically translates to she hates my kids"

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 9:49am

There are no questions that I wish I had asked or additional information I wish I had known.

But for sure make sure that your SO is completely clear that the two of you will be equity life partners in all things including equity parents to any kids in your home regardless of kid biology. Make sure that SO is absolutely clear that there will be household rules for all kids in the home and all kids will have those rules enforced equitably should they violate those rules.

To be thorough you should also make sure that both you and DH are informed and committed to the elements of the Step Parents Bill of Rights.

Other than that, strap in and enjoy the ride of the blended family adventure.

Monchichi's picture

Submitted by Monchichi on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 9:56am

Rags, I don't know you but I am going to say thank you to you. I read SO one of your posts and it somehow struck a cord with him. So a very big thank you and please keep posting.

AA0510's picture

Submitted by AA0510 on Mon, 03/16/2015 - 11:00am

I think the hope for DH is that once we have children, I will be linked to SS, and therefore, will have a stronger bond. I get on very well with both SS, I think he just wants me to love them, which I don't right now.