Telling BD5 that DH is not her Bio dad ...
I've been considering this for quite some time, I think for everyone involved it would be better if BD5 knows that DH is not her biological dad.
I feel sad at how this may make her feel, I don't know if there is any way to explain this to a child that is 5 without really hurting them. Im worried about how it could impact her.
DH and I have been married for a few years, when we met BD was approx 2 years old. She had limited contact with her bio dad which was stopped when he became violent towards her and a violence order was put in place. DH seemed distant towards BD in the beginning as his ex was withholding visation of SD because she was bitter over him moving on with another woman, I now feel as though he began to resent my daughter because he could not see his own. Anyway about a year passed and we discussed having our own child, he asked if he could talk to BD and ask if she would like to call him daddy. The rest is history, she calls him dad and seems to have no recollection of her biological father.
DH and I now have a 9month old baby together.
DH's relationship with SD suffered throughout this whole time, he has just recently seen her for the first time since last Christmas.
I find now when DH and I argue he separates my Bio daughters and refers to BD5 as "not his kid".. Example :"Take your kid with you when you go and leave mine here, I will look after her". He says really nasty things and makes it blatantly clear that he has no bond with BD5 and no desire to "father" her whatsoever. When all is said and done he obviously acts as though none of this has happened but the damage is done.
I don't think he deserves to have my BD5 refer to him as dad anymore and I'm tired of him holding it over my head and trying to use it against me.
How can I explain this to my BD5 without really hurting her, and furthermore when she queries her bio dad and why she cannot have any contact with him I don't know what will suffice... I feel cruel
Well he really doesn't treat
Well he really doesn't treat her as though he is her daddy, he basically pays her way and is pleasant but there is no affection, no bond, no time invested, to me there is an obvious difference between the way he treats BD5 and SD when she comes to visit.
Which is why I feel as though he doesn't even deserve to be referred to as dad anymore.
I'm not following sorry?
I'm not following sorry?
I completely agree that he is
I completely agree that he is a douche, I could actually think of better words but I won't even bother.
I guess at the end of the day I can't hold it against him that he doesn't want to "father" her.. I don't want to "mother" his daughter either and I never will so I guess it works both ways.
He pays her way, which was necessary when he asked that I stop working to have his child, and is never mean to her but I am sick of hearing the negative shit every time he gets a chance to throw it out there. SD has said things to BD before like "He's going to get my drink first because he's my era daddy" and "thats not your real daddy".. BD5 was about 3 at the time though so I don't think she recalls that either.
This step stuff is really hard, I never imagined it would be this difficult and I even find myself resenting his child because I feel as though this stems from his poor relationship with SD because his flop marriage didn't work the first time.
, he asked if he could talk
, he asked if he could talk to BD and ask if she would like to call him daddy
I agree step parents shouldn't have to step up to the plate where the skids are concerned. We never agreed to parent a child and that child isn't our responsibility, however we've also never asked that child to let us parent them.
This will hurt your daughter to an extent because she's still so young and can bounch back from this, but how you have to accept that a decision you made will cause her hurt, you're husband is equally as responsible for this. He made the choice to ask for the daddy role, and now he wants to back out. That's a sorry excuse for a man and your daughter in the long run will be so much better off not having him as her father.
I understand that you are in
I understand that you are in a difficult situation and have some tricky decisions to make but I think that you need to ensure that you approach things a constructive and loving way.
I definitely agree that letting your daughter know about her biological parentage is better done sooner than later. At the age she is at, she will probably be reasonably accepting if you approach it the right way although obviously she will have questions about her bio-dad. Personally I think that you shouldn't be telling your daughter out of frustration or anger at your husband but out of her right to know the truth. Also as your husband has been raising your daughter and she is used to calling him dad I don't feel that it is your place to tell her who she can and can't call dad. It is up to her to decide.
Yes he may not be the man you would like him to be, but that is no reason to rock your child's sense of self and her feeling secure by waving the "not your real dad" card in her face, so that she can hurt him and you feel better. The topic needs to be approached by both you and your husband together with love and sensitivity and reassurances from her step-dad that he still loves her etc. Even if he is stepping back from parenting her it would be best if he is actively involved in these discussions if at all possible.
Sounds like it is time to
Sounds like it is time to take both of your kids and nail DH to the monster CS wall for another 17 years and 3mos. Your asshole DH should enjoy having two children that he pays CS for and rarely sees.
What a prick. I understand him not being BD-5's bio dad. I am not my son's (SS-22) bio dad either but the words nor thoughts "Take your kid with you when you go...." have never entered my mind. His mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and we married a week before he turned 2. I never asked him to call me Dad(dy), he just did. Your POS husband asked your BD to call him Dad(dy) and now he is acting like this? :? :jawdrop: :sick: :sick: :sick:
Find a man with some character.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I guess I'm a bit confused on
I guess I'm a bit confused on what it is you're really wanting to tell your DD. The child was three years old when the SF approached her and asked if she'd like to call him 'Daddy'. Ok, but did this man or you actually tell this child that SF was her father?
Many children in non-high conflict blended families call their stepparent mommy/daddy. Sometimes forced to, sometimes a child's desire to that hasn't been rejected by the stepparent. In your case, the SD has been repeatedly reminding the other child that SD's father is not DD's "real" father. So at age five now I'm thinking that if this child really believed SF was her "real" father this discussion would have already taken place ('Mommy, what does SD mean when she keeps telling me that my Daddy isn't really my daddy')
What have you been telling DD now when SD starts this with DD? Second question, if DD knows the SF is not her 'real' father but instead the man raising her who suggested she could call him 'Daddy' and is still open to DD calling him 'Daddy', are you wanting to change the title SF receives from DD because you are angry at DH for reminding you he is not the 'real' father ("take your kid and I'll keep mine"), or do you really honestly believe this child believes SF is her biological father.
I guess what I am asking is, is this discussion with DD even really necessary in that she's going through life believing a man is her biological father who is not. Such as revealing a secret she's not been aware of already?
If she believes him to be her
If she believes him to be her bio father I would correct that mistake.
Me personaly, I would stop her from calling him daddy. Not to punish a horrible man that your DH is but that he can never throw at her in anger "I'm not your dad" which from what you have described sounds like a cruel move he would pull. Rip the bandage off with one quick move, don't try to take it off slowly.
I agree that the sooner you
I agree that the sooner you explain the situation to her (age appropriately, of course) the better. Maybe you can try something like, "You know DH is not your real father, right? Here, let me tell you the story..."
Make it clear to her that he still takes care of her, that he is "like a father", and should be respected as such. and let her decide what she wants to call him.
Personally, I would rethink your relationship with him, but whatever you do it is always a good thing to tell her the truth.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.
I'm not sure you have to have
I'm not sure you have to have some Big Talk with her, really. Just keep referring to him as "her stepfather" when it's appropriate, and let her keep calling him "Dad" (or say nothing if she decides to call him something else). In other words, you don't have to make a big deal out of it - just don't hide the truth. It'll be her "normal", and when she's ready with questions you answer in age-appropriate ways.
THIS It's not uncommon for a
THIS
It's not uncommon for a step parent’s feelings to change toward their SKs.
I am so sorry that you and
I am so sorry that you and your little girl are in this situation. Hard to believe a man would now turn his back on a little child, emotionally as you say. Very messed up and shocking. I agree with the others that sooner is better than later. I wonder if professional people would be able to help? At least give you guidance on how you tell your little girl.
Sorry I haven't read all the
Sorry I haven't read all the other comments. My opinion is that we all have a free will over our lives. You want your daughter to have a father and a male figure to attach too. Your husband only wants his daughter to call him daddy but not the child that believes he is her daddy. Your two kids are going to grow up to resent each other. Staying with this man that mistreats you and both your kids because he is mistreating them, is going to hurt you longer. Leave him and tell your daughter the truth, let her know that she can attach to you and have that security that you are not going anywhere.
Is this the kind of man you
Is this the kind of man you want to be married too? Can you honestly say that you love everything about him, the good and the bad? Your DD doesn't have any other father figure around her, your DH is lucky to be the only man in her life. The man she can first fall in love with. And he is throwing it all away over his personal issues he has with his own. First, you need to make it clear to your DD5 that her daddy is someone else. That whatever his name is (DH)is her STEP DAD...and as for your husband, it would break my heart to hear my DH say that about my daughter. You see my DD14 was 6 when DH came into our lives. like your DD mine doesn't have contact with her BF but she was old enough to know it was not DH. Anyways my DH tried and tried so hard for her to get close to him. Attempt after attempt, hug after hug, and my DD would always pull away because she was not used to a mans affection. One day when she got older, I honeslty don't know when it happened..we noticed that all my DH persistence had paid off. MY DD became his own, she would come to him and hug him...she would go to him to comfort her. She now loves my DH as her real DAD...and my DH as his daughter. IT would break my heart into pieces if he would do or say as you DH does. He is no man at all, because at the end of the day he is doing this to your daughter. How ungrateful is he...he should be so lucky to have your daughters love.